Broken; Trust the Potter

Outcast...

2011-12-25T06:08:00.000-08:00

A little over a month ago I decided to begin reading/studying the New Testament. I am now in the book of Luke...The birth of Jesus. His timing, always perfect.

I've always known the story of Jesus' birth, but it wasn't till I was saved that I truly understood the significance. Each time I read the story in Luke, something different stands out for me.

Just the other day I found myself having a conversation with a dear friend of mine where I told her, "Sometimes I feel like an outcast among others when it comes to my faith in the Lord. It's so hard at times."
Her response..."Well of course we are, isn't that awesome!"

Awesome?

I've pondered our conversation a lot lately.

Then the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name JESUS. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.” Luke 1:31-33

Then Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” Luke 1:34

As I read Mary's response, I put myself in her shoes. I began to think about how I may have responded. First, um...I'm suppose to be getting married. What am I suppose to tell Joseph, surely he'll never believe I'm a virgin! He'll never want to marry me!

Finally, what will people be thinking? Saying?

Surely, I will be an outcast.

But Mary responded, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."
Luke 1:38

Awesome

I can't recall where, but I recently read, "those that have found favor with God should not give way to disquieting, distrustful fears."

Mary chose God.

She chose faith.

Mary and Joseph are traveling back to Bethlehem to register.

So it was, that while they were there, the days were completed for her to be delivered.And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:6-7

Here is a man, with his very pregnant wife unable to find a place to stay. I understand accommodations may have been scarce, as many were returning to their home town to register. What I find difficult to understand is why no one, for one night, could spare a room to a pregnant woman. Mary had no home, no bed. Instead, Joseph gathers hay in the stable; a bed where Mary delivers her first child in a barn. A barn!

I have five children, and I promise you, it's excruciating pain. I remember being stuck behind a train and having to take a detour in route to deliver my fourth child. I was in pain and panic, I did not want to deliver in the back of my car. I'm pretty sure I was yelling in pain at my husband to hurry. My son was delivered shortly after I arrived at the hospital. There was some yelling involved as the nurse told me not to push as the doctor wasn't there yet. Um...impossible...the baby is coming now! The doctor was late.

Mary has no woman there to assist her in her delivery. It's just her and Joseph. She must have been scared. I'm sure Joseph must have been in a bit of a panic as well. She let an out an agonizing cry right before Jesus entered this world. And then....

Her babies first cry. He was born to a woman, one whom no one would take in...an outcast.

God planned it this way. Why?

Because He found favor in her.

Because God became man to experience life as we do...an outcast.

Matthew Henry commentary states: "We were become by sin like an outcast infant, helpless and forlorn; and such a one Christ was.

Just like last year, I worked Christmas Eve in the NICU. One by one, parents arrive to see, hold, smell, and simply marvel over their child. Even if you don't have children, there is just something about a babies cry and purity that makes people smile and get a warm feeling inside. More often than not, tears are shed at their child's birth.

The Son of God lets out His first cry. Think about the similarities...Picture Mary curled on her side, baby Jesus in her arms, tears of joy stream down her face. Joseph kneeling by her side in awe over what just transpired. He too sheds tears. Mary gently places Him in a manger. Suddenly, where they are, what their circumstances are, doesn't matter.

Surely, if one were to look upon this child, he would utter "this cannot be the Son of God."

But He is!

He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. He came to His own,and His owndid not receive Him. John 1:10-11

The Lord came, and no one recognized Him.

The Lord came, and His people rejected Him.

The Son of God comes to us in the image of the unlikely...A child not of royalty, but one of poverty, wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.

Jesus started and lived His life as an outcast, all because God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Jesus lived His life suffering rejection, humiliation, pain, and temptation just as we do, but sinless. The purpose of His life...to give me...give you...the gift of eternal life.

As the babe lay in the manger, in fields nearby, an angel appears to the shepherds. Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying:

“Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!” Luke 2:10-14

The shepherds go to Bethlehem to see this babe. After they saw Jesus, they spread the word about what the angel had told them about this Child. Many were amazed by what the shepherds said. What was said about Mary stood out for me...

But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I can't help but wonder, Mary knows Jesus is the Son of God, but does she grasp the full meaning of His purpose?

What is the meaning of the Christmas? For many, this time of year can be depressing. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, memories of loved one's lost. The pressure of trying to find the perfect gift for others. We become so focus on what we don't have, we lose sight of of what we do have...the most precious gift of all...A SAVIOR!

Jesus was born with a purpose, to die that we may have life. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2Corintians 5:21

As Christians we can't look at the birth of Jesus and not look at the cross.

His birth, life, death on the cross, and resurrection portrays...

Suffering and healing. Jesus' suffering for our healing. His death on the cross, His separation from God the Father...such anguish for one man to bear. It's by His wounds we are healed!

Rejection and triumph. How many betrayed and rejected Jesus? In His human nature, He surely felt rejected by God the Father. He begged God to take this cup from Him...yet, "not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. An empty tomb...triumph...VICTORY!

Pastor Pete Wilson, in a recent post said: "Part of the Christmas message is God telling his people, 'You can’t predict me. I’ll show up anytime and anywhere. I’ll show up in the midst of the most unlikely circumstances and through the most unlikely people.'

Why? Because I’m God and you’re not."

Mary was willing to suffer difficulty in her marriage, to be ostracized by society, because "For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name." Luke 1:49

Suddenly, feeling like an outcast isn't so bad, because He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name.

Awesome!

May you all be richly blessed this Christmas...Christ the Savior is born!

Past, Present, & Future...Salt Springs Memories

2011-09-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

This summer we were able to once again, enjoy one of our favorite camping areas, Salt Springs. For more than twenty years now we have enjoyed this beautiful site. When my husband and I first discovered this site together, we would camp here with my older children more than three times a summer. As we had children together, our trips dwindled down and eventually ceased for over ten years until our first trip back in 2010.

Our return last year was with our two youngest boys, whom we've never taken. Emily, my youngest daughter, was the only one of our three children together we've taken camping here. Sadly, she doesn't remember as she was only six months old. I'm hoping next year she will be able to join us and experience the most amazing time together as family with such breathtaking backdrops.

This year we were able to once again, camp with our two younger boys along with one of their closest friends. Our traditional camp site, White Azalea, was unavailable. Not to worry, the new camp site was equally as satisfying. My only wishes...we could have gone more than once...my daughter could have come...my older children and their families could have joined as well.

Path just slightly beyond our large tent which lead to a private camp area hidden among the trees.

One of many hiking trails

Standing amidst these trees you really realize just how small you are in all of creation.

Slept to the sounds of rushing water all night. Soothing.

Bear River Reservoir which feeds into Salt Springs

During this trip we saw two bear cubs, several deer, many squirrels, snakes, spiders and other creepy crawly things, and this lizard. This lizard reminded me of the verses in Matthew and Luke about worry. At five feet tall, I'm not a large person. From the lizard's perspective, I was a giant, yet he really showed no fear of me. As I looked at the picture in my camera's view finder, I noticed the blue on his back was much more prominent in the picture with the water in the background than him on the tree. God created the lizard with the ability to blend into his environment as a way of protection from predators. In the same sense, scripture gives us that same protection. Kinda cool to see how God has provided everything for all His creation.

The boys decided to go on an adventure....

Nick made sure Alex wasn't left standing.

Trust me...they're freezing.

Small sandy area to the left of the camp.

The view to the right of my seat.

I spent many moment at this little "beach" area. Listening to the sounds of the water, the leaves rustling in the wind, the birds, the boys laughter off into the distance. All filled my mind with new memories and reminded me of many old memories of past camping trips. Some of my most joyful memories are right here in the middle of God's creation.

Preparing for nightfall

You often hear of the importance of family dinners, there is certainly something about a shared meal as a family that brings dividends to the family. In todays busy life and all its distractions, the campfire is also a place for an equally magical experience within the family. Heck, camping in its entirety is. No cell phones, no Facebook, no TV, no computer games or emails...just a time to enjoy and get to know one another. To communicate, to build bonds that even time can't break. It's times like these you build value in one another. Laughter, singing, and conversation that fills the soul. Memories to last a lifetime. Moments to cherish forever and pass down from generation to generation.

What a joy it has been to share this beautiful area with my husband of twenty years, building memories with each other and our children.

Diamond Necklace

2011-08-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

For over a year now I've been involved in Recovery @ Grace Church as well as the step studies. I started as a participant and now lead in both. For those unfamiliar with our Recovery and step ministry, let me explain.

Recovery is a Christ-centered repentance an reconciliation ministry. My Pastor first introduced this ministry during the end of the year of 2009. He stated that everyone has something to recover from. Not just alcohol or drug addictions, but loss of a loved one, abuse, pride, envy...you get the idea. This is a place for anyone who is hurting or struggling with something holding them back from pursuing the Lord with all their heart, mind, soul and strength. It's a safe place to work through struggles. The people here are loving and accepting, with the goal of leaning on the Lord for truth and healing. We are not here to fix anyone, just simply a safe place where you can truly examine your heart.

Step study is also a safe place where you study the scripture while someone walks alongside you. It's 18 weeks and aims at identifying your struggles and learning to apply biblical truth as you embrace your new identity in Christ, Jesus. You are intensely involved in scripture daily through homework. You go through a personal inventory, one you work through with your sponsor. It's here I learned truth about myself and God's love for me.

Both have a non-specific, gender-specific groups. Both include biblical teaching, that has and continues to bless me tremendously. I continue to reap blessings by both these ministries. To watch the lives of others be touched by God is breathtaking. This weekend at our church picnic, 5 members of recovery and step were baptized.

Though these ministries I continue to struggle well in a safe place, I am blessed, and I, as a leader, continue to learn God's truth through those I serve.

This weekend, one of the women in my step group shared something I thought was absolutely beautiful. Spoke to my heart. a perfect example of how I learn through others.

Have you noticed a jeweler places a beautiful diamond necklace on a black cloth background? Have you ever heard the statement, "diamonds are a girl's best friend"? (Hold that thought). The diamond necklace alone, we can all attest to it's beauty. But, once placed on the black background somehow it becomes far more radiant.

When we are in the midst of our brokenness, darkness overwhelms us (the black background), Jesus is the diamond! In our deepest darkest moments, Jesus, our best friend, radiates His light/beauty/love so brightly, we can't help but see truth and hope, feel love and acceptance. Even outside of our darkness, looking at Jesus, His light always radiates.

I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. John 8:12

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what He has done has been done through God. John 3:21

I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.
John 12:46

Tree

2011-08-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've recently taken a trip to my parents home. Every time we travel there, I'm captivated by the beautiful oak trees scattered throughout the area. With my camera, my son and I took off to take some pictures of the trees.

These trees are massive. As I got closer to the trees I couldn't help but think about the garden and what life was like before sin entered the world.

Can you imagine being in the garden, the middle of the day, lying beneath the trees, God near....basking in His presence and all the glory of creation? So awesome!

Sin entered the world and we were banished from the garden. Man no longer walked in the presence of God.

While this is true, we can still see evidence of God's glory. Just look around. From the smallest creatures, the massive trees, the beautiful sunrises and sunsets, the ocean, the galaxy...God's presence is all around us. What we see here is a mere glimpse of the best that's yet to come.

Don't Lie

2011-07-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

For a little over a week now, these two words have echoed though my mind.

As a parent to five children, honesty one of many values I've tried to instill.

"Don't lie to me, you'll only get in deeper trouble".

"Don't lie, as one lie leads to another".

I realized that while truth is something I've stressed, I've also unintentionally encouraged my children, to lie.

How many of you with young children have heard them remark at one time or another something undesirable to someone and have unconsciously encouraged a lie? Young children are so honest, purely innocent, until we make it otherwise. They say things like...

"You have a fat belly, is there a baby in there?"

"Your butt jiggles when you walk."

"You smell funny, you need a bath."

When we hear our children say things like this, we shudder. And more often than not, in a round about way, we encourage lying. We tell our children they cannot say those things because it hurts their feelings, or "that's not nice". Our intent is to teach our children when it's important to "keep quiet". I'm not quite sure how it happens, but I think somewhere in raising our children we may unconsciously encourage lying. You know that "little white lie" won't hurt anyone. Keeping quite is by far better the better choice when truth may hurt someone. But lying, is clearly not the best option. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

About a week ago, I told what I felt was a "little white lie". What I found out is...a lie is a lie!

Just as scripture tells us that to hate your brother is the same as murder, the Lord gently reminded me, through consequences...a "little white lie" is a lie...a sin.

At first, I truly believed lying was acceptable, as the outcome wouldn't change. I convinced myself that to lie even though the Spirit was convicting me otherwise.

As the Spirit revealed the error of my ways, I asked myself...

"Why did you lie"? Fear!
Fear of consequences and fear of retaliation towards an innocent person.

Fear birthed protection, protection birthed the lie.

Again, back to my children. I couldn't help but realize that in some circumstances, like me, their lie is from fear. Mostly, fear of consequences. I started re-examining my heart in this situation, as right before my very eyes, this one lie, began to snowball out of control. One lie, lead to another, then another...finally...CONFESSION!

I've always told my children, if you tell the truth your consequences won't be as severe. This doesn't mean there won't be consequences as a result of your wrong (sin).

Ephesians 5:13 But everything exposed by the light become visible.

Jesus is the light, and through the Holy Spirit, He exposed in me what's needed to change. Yes, there were consequences, but God is rich in mercy.

A few days later, my son and I were on our way to the orthodontist. He had lost a bracket, several days prior. They always lecture about the importance of coming in right away to get that taken care of. I don't like going back and forth to the orthodontist. In the car on the way, I told my son to tell them he just lost the bracket this morning. LIE! Immediately...the light! I couldn't believe I actually encouraged my teenage son to lie. Ugh! Yes, I did the right thing. But why a lie? There was no fear, I just didn't want to hear the lecture.

This was a wonderful moment for both my son and I. He got to witness how imperfect I am. How I humbled and became obedient to the Lord. Most importantly, he saw the Lord's grace as we told the truth. There were no lectures.

For me, the most beautiful moment is; my son, who doesn't know the Lord, saw the Lord through me. Now that's awesome!!

Dancing to the Beat

2011-06-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to see my first 3D ultrasound of my newest granddaughter, Brooklyn. What an amazing thing to see...

When I think about God creating the heaven and earth, as I witness a sunrise or sunset, I'm absolutely awestruck. Then I saw Brooklyn...miraculous!!

For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:13-14

Even now, as I look at this photo, my eyes well up with tears. Fearfully and wonderfully made...only God can do such a thing.

My grandson, Brayden was also in the room. There were some toys on the ground, and he was playing. The technician had asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat...YES!

She turned up the volume, my grandson stood up and began to dance to his sister's heartbeat. I wish I had a camera to capture that moment! I tried to fight my tears...

Cherished!

Empower Yourself

2011-06-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

I want to start out by saying, I've learned a lot over the past years about cancer and how what we put in our body, has a profound effect on our health. About an alkaline body and cancer. About eating well, and exercising to maintain a healthy mind and body. I firmly believe in empowering ourselves through education, but it's up to you...

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink!

It's your life, your body...take controll!

A dear blogging friend, Jill recently posted this:

The Great Cancer Hoax: The Brilliant Cure the FDA Tried Their Best to Shut Down...

To view video click on above title or here

I strongly urge you to take the time to watch the movie and read the article. It's FREE till June 20th.

Whether we know someone currently fighting cancer or someone who has lost their battle against cancer...this deadly disease has touched the lives of each of us.

The following comes directly from Jill's post...I agree with EVERY word, just couldn't say it any better...

"TRUTH #1 Friends, you and I can have FULL confidence in healing our bodies. We don’t have to fear cancer. It does NOT have to own us even if we have to face it.

The truth is sometimes even more scary to face than the reality of disease.

Because we fight believing it is possible to be healthy after being told we must do x, y, and z or we only have such and such chances of survival. We can’t imagine going against the doctors because they know more than us and everyone else does it how they suggest. Our friends and family will think we are NUTS for trying anything natural. And there is NO proof that anything natural will work. Not to mention insurance won’t pay for anything we try naturally and it is too hard to find places near us to support our effort in doing this naturally. (Have you ever asked “why??” that information is NOT available – it is all there! We just have to dig for it!) Fear immediately creeps into our lives and often time wins. We walk down any road the doctors tell us and believe that our genetic make-up is more important than how we live our life.

TRUTH #2 How you live (eat, drink and think) has a direct impact on your health. More so than your genetic make-up. There are always the few who break this statement – they live to 90+ eating and drinking foods that would take others down within years. But that is NOT the norm in the world we live in today.

TRUTH #3 How you handle stress, who you hang out with, whether or not you exercise or have faith in God all directly impacts your health!

It is hard to live against the world’s stream (system) – you will feel lonely at times and for a long time you will explain why you choose to live your life the way you do. You will hear over and over again “Oh I could never do that.” or “Really you don’t eat (--------)?” “I could never do that!”

TRUTH #4 Most people don’t. Most will never support organic farming and demand NON GMO foods in every grocery store. Most will never question why things are done the way they are and just keep being led like sheep to slaughter. Most will never stop eating the toxic foods they do at mass quantities. Most refuse to see there might be another way to live. Most will reject the idea of anything alternatively until they have to face disease and possibly dying.

Isn’t that the human way – it takes something “bad” happening before we are willing to change any area of our lives?

We would never even seek God if life was easy.

We would never seek to learn anything about natural health if we always felt “good”.

Because we live in this false pretense that everything is fine and we can manage things perfectly as they are. Change is for others – not us.

TRUTH #5 Even if you do all things “right” and live as naturally as possible – you and I have NO control of whether or not we will face cancer or death."

I have purchased Jill's book, Breaking Free, Truths for Healthy Living (along with many other books/articles) which has changed my life and the way I eat. Sure, I do "fall off the wagon" every now and then, but for the most part...I am very particular about what I put in my body. Yes, I'm ridiculed at times for the foods I eat or don't, for the "green" drinks I consume.
Truth 6....I feel better!

I continue to research and read many articles on my food choices...I educate myself. If I can't pronounce it...I don't eat it! The choices I have made, have changed my health.

This Country is consumed by the Fast Food industry, by processed foods, because it's easy. God didn't promise life would be easy. Eating healthy requires education, work, and dedication.

Aren't you worth it?!

Isn't your family worth it?!

I encourage you to seek truth for yourselves, for your children!

Feed your body with good healthy foods, feed your mind/soul with HIS WORD!

The "In" Crowd

2011-06-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

I believe everyone at one point or another, desires to feel...."A sense of belonging"

Ever feel invisible, even though you are a part of something (family, club, work, church)? Have you felt excluded?

It seems to start at a very young age, often when we start school.

You can't be in our group...

-cause you have short hair.

-your fat.

-your clothes are ugly.

-you're a Jesus freak.

The list goes on and on!

I remember as a child desperately wanting to belong, to be significant in some way. From my experience, rejection or feeling excluded, whether real or just my perception, left me feeling invisible.

We all want to feel accepted. Sadly, the way we perceive acceptance by others, more often than not, is when we are included in a group, activity, recognized/acknowledged in some way, or told we're valued.

I've recently felt this way. It's a little different for me now as an adult. I tried to talk myself out of how I felt, give people the benefit of the doubt. But, just like when I was a child...I couldn't help but become consumed by thoughts of "what's wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me anymore?" What soon followed, was feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and entitlement.

I've come to realize, these feelings arose out of my need for acceptance and self-esteem. Websters defines self-esteem as: a reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance. I'm not sure I believe self-esteem and self-worth are interchangeable here. For me, self-esteem is based more on accomplishments or achievements. Self-worth is where you feel worthwhile and valued in this world. I believe it's created in our mind, belief system, and by others...it's here you feel/know you are loved, accepted.

Aren't we all are guilty of "excluding" someone?

I had to take a step away my perceived thoughts and ask myself...
"What is true?"

"What is a lie?"

My Pastor once said; 'put your hope and trust in this world, in people, you will always be disappointed".

Truth- I am valued so much that Christ gave His life for me. Therefore, I should live my life with complete confidence in who I am in Christ. That I'm just passing through this world and the best is yet to come~Amen!

You see, I realized...

It's not about me!

It doesn't matter whether I'm in the "in" crowd or not. Regardless of how others treat me, what matters is I love others no matter what, because....

1John 4:7 He first loved us.

Galatians 4:14 Love your neighbor as yourself.

1John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. 23 And this is His command: to believe in the name if His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us.

You see, it's not about me or you...it's about understanding that we were first loved by God as a sinner(always a sinner) and out of that love, Jesus sacrificed His life that we might belong to the Kingdom of God. And because Christ lives in us, it's Christ love that shines through us to others, all for HIS glory! It's really about following Christ way of loving others.

Funny thing...prompted by the Lord, I started this post Monday(just never posted) and today (Sunday) my Pastor's message was about how to love as Jesus does...

Apparently, someone is trying to get my attention!

I'll close with scripture that just came to me...

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

A Gift

2010-12-25T09:53:00.000-08:00

I woke this Christmas morning, with a blog post prepared in advanced for today. But then, yesterday happened....

It's Christmas Eve, I'm working. My job...taking care of tiny babes. During this week, in the NICU we have been busy creating footprint ornaments and Christmas photographs of the babies to give as a gift to the parents. One by one, I placed these memories created of their precious little babes at the bedside. As the day began, parents arrived.

I watched...

The Christmas Spirit unfolding right before my very eyes.

A young mother, tears stream down her face as she held the ornament in her hands.

Another...tears as she holds her baby. She's being discharged home today, her baby must stay. She'll wake Christmas morning with no babe in her arms. She cuddles him, nestles in the chair, soon she's asleep.

A father leans into the isolette and smells his new born baby. "I just love the smell of new life," he says.

A mother at her babes bedside, tears stream down her face. He's been here a while, almost three months. We embrace, we cry. Her husband is in another Country, her babe in the hospital. Another mother waking on Christmas morning empty handed. As she holds her baby, she looks at the pictures we've taken...smiles, laughter, more tears.

Another family, one I've known for 96 days arrived with gifts for other families they've met during their stay. Their faces are full of joy today, it's possible their babe will be going home on Tuesday. They've been through so much! I've grown to love this family. As we talk, I fight to hold back the tears. I'm trying to figure out how to let go...

As I lay my head down for the night, visions of Christmas past fill my thoughts. I remember those late nights...last minute wrapping, waiting for children to fall asleep so that I may place the gifts from him (Santa) under the tree.

Then early in the mornings...sometimes 3am, a child would rush to my bed..."He came! He came!"

I can't lie...I miss those days. The excitement as the children open their gifts. The frustration as we (my husband and I) assemble many toys. The exhaustion. The family gatherings.

The past few years, I've seen things differently.

But, something really changed for me this year...

While my three children are still nestled in their beds.

I hardly doubt visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

It hit me...

I wish I knew Jesus then, as I do now.

I wish my children would wake up saying...He came! He came! And be speaking of the Christ Child, not Santa.

This has been an extraordinary year.

I started this year in search of truth. Exhausted from trying to battle life by my own power, as my own god, I hungered for peace, joy, love, forgiveness, life, freedom, grace...

As the Christmas season comes upon us...I see things so differently.

Memories of childhood Christmas past...the gifts, so many. Ripping open packages, one after the other, from the eyes of my youth...it was pure delight, joy! It seemed as if I always got everything I ever wanted, yet I always wanted more.

My childhood turns to parenthood, and the joy of getting is replaced by the joy of giving...yet, my heart still yearns for more. Don't misunderstand, I love giving...but, as I look back, the motive wasn't always good.

This year I have grasped a new understanding of the true meaning of Christmas, the greatest gift ever given...Christ.

Christmas is a time where many celebrate the birth of our Savior. We all know, Christ wasn't born on December 25th., it's just a day that's been selected to celebrate His birth.

Why celebrate?

I want to share a few things I've come to realize about this precious gift...

From the beginning, creation...God already had His plan in place for our salvation.
Genesis 3:15 "And I will put an enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Her offspring-Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 speaks of God's promise of the Savior. Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel. Also, Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I've been reading in Matthew and Luke, the story of Christ birth.

Again, I recall the birth of my children, my pregnancies. I can't help but look at things through the human eyes of Mary. Mary, so faithful to God, so trusting, was humbled to honor God's plan. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38 I can imagine how difficult it must have been for a young women, a virgin, not yet married, to be fully exposed to the judgement of society.

I place myself at the Inn where Mary, already laboring is told there is no room. As I rearranged furniture in my living and dining room to make space for our tree, I remember thinking to myself in my frustration...it's so crowded in here...there's just no room for anything! Then it hit me...how petty! Mary had no home, no bed. Joseph gathers hay in the stable; a bed for Mary as she gives birth. She births her firstborn son, wraps Him in cloths and places Him in a manger.

Fast forward to 2010. As a NICU nurse, I have attended many deliveries, not in a stable...but a comfortable, warm, controlled environment of the hospital. The baby is placed on a warmer (not an animal trough), cleaned and bundled, then handed to his mother. I think about the difference in the births of today, than the one Mary had. I can't help but be in awe over Mary's faith and trust in God.

I think about the similarities. Did Joseph, love the smell of Jesus...THE LIFE.

Did Mary shed tears of joy as she held her babe? Can you picture her snuggled in the hay, lying on her side...baby Jesus in her arms? Can you?

As the babe lay in the manger, in fields nearby, an angel appears to the shepherds. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

The shepherds go to Bethlehem to see this babe. After they saw Jesus, they spread the word about what the angel had told them about this Child. Many were amazed by what the shepherds said. Something stood out for me, that hasn't before...

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I can't help but wonder, Mary knows Jesus is the Son of God, but does she grasp the full meaning of His purpose?

My youngest is fourteen. At twelve Jesus had begun preparing for His purpose.

What is the meaning of the Christmas Spirit? For many, this time of year can be depressing. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, memories of loved one's lost. The pressure of trying to find the perfect gift for others. We become so focus on what we don't have, we lose sight of what we do have...isn't that what the Christmas Spirit is all about?

This year, my oldest son came to me and said he didn't want me to buy him gifts this year. He wanted me to use that money to give to another family in need. He said, "I have everything I need, anything else is just a want. I've been thinking about how many people don't have what I have, I want to give."

It hit me...I never really spoke to my children during their formative years about Jesus. But this year, Jesus has become the center of my life. I've changed. Do they feel it? Do they see Him in me?

One by one, as my children heard of what my son wanted to do...they too shared the same desire. Christmas gifts were selected and presented. They don't know it yet, but someday, when they look back...they'll understand, they'll feel the Christmas Spirit. Both my children and the children who received, will realize it's not about the toy...it's about what was felt in their heart.

The Christmas Spirit is that of...

Love

Light

Hope

Peace

It's understanding, that all these things come from one of the most precious gifts God has bestowed upon mankind...

A babe...Jesus!

Jesus was born with a purpose, to die that we may have life. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2Corintians 5:21

You can't look at the birth of Jesus and not look at the cross.

His life, the cross, and resurrection portrays...

Suffering and healing. Jesus suffering for our healing. His death on the cross, His separation from God the Father...such anguish for one man to bear. It's by His wounds we are healed!

Rejection and triumph. How many betrayed and rejected Jesus? In His human nature, He surely felt rejected by God the Father. He begged God to take this cup from Him...yet, "not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. An empty tomb...triumph...VICTORY!

HE CAME! HE CAME!

Merry Christmas!

My First...

2010-11-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe. Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat. I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me). As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good. I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance.

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me. The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks. The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future. He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock. I wish I had a picture to share with you. For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch.

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God. It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area. Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him. Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer."

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing how we are covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups. I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart. They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart. I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life. I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!

The Power of Your Name

2010-09-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin...This week my emotions have literally gone from one extreme to the other. I've wrestled with anger and joy, bitterness and empathy, sorrow and blessedness. I suppose, I've mostly struggled with understanding God's will in certain situations.

Saturday, August 28th was one of the best days of my life....I was baptized. I've been baptized twice before, once as an infant, and again at 31. The first time, I really had no understanding of what baptism meant. Even as I became older, I believed I was baptized as an infant so in the event of my death, I would go to heaven. The second time, I was baptized because I was lead to believe it was the right thing to do. If I was baptized (my works), God would be well pleased. Again, I would go to heaven.

So...what was so different about this time? I realized I don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. I clearly understand that Jesus death on the cross was a ransom for all who have sinned. He paid the cost for all the sin in the world. He exchanged my sin stained life, for His righteousness. I don't have to wait to be loved till I'm perfect, He loves a wretch like me! He SAVED me!

As I came up out of the water, I felt so secure in the Lord. It's really difficult for me to put it into words.

I woke up Sunday feeling great. However, when I went to work I felt like Job. It seemed as though Satan said "let me show you how quickly she can turn from you." And God said, "give it your best shot."

Being a NICU nurse has it's rewards, yet, can produce the most profound anger, doubt, and sadness. It's so hard to watch a mother who has fought to hold on to the precious life inside of her. The guilt, agony, and difficulty in understanding...watching her tiny little baby struggle for life. She begs and pleads with the Lord, to save her precious child. Day by day, hour after hour, parents come into the unit to see, touch, smell, the new addition to their lives. We get to know these families, they become a part of our lives. We share in the triumphs and are saddened by the set backs. Often we explain the journey in the NICU will be that of a "roller coaster." We provide hope. Parents put their trust in us to care and protect their baby in their absence. They call often, (interrupting our day) to get an update on their baby. "Is he/she sleeping?" "Tell him/her that I love them." At the end of their stay, if all goes well, the baby goes home with their parents. I love this part!! Parents keep in touch, sending updated photo's and often stopping by...so awesome!

Sadly, there are times when the baby goes home to our Heavenly Father. Here is were the struggle as a NICU nurse comes in to play. When you have parents like the one's above, you mourn with them. You cry, you hug, you pray. They ask "why?"...You have no answer. Silently, I tell myself...the Lord has a plan. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Proverbs 3:5.

It's so hard at times...our understanding is from a flesh perspective, His...Divine.

A very dear friend of mine, a NICU nurse as well, once said something I found myself saying Sunday... "Mom's who do drugs when pregnant SUCK!"

Yes, my job Sunday was to care for a baby who's mother did drugs during her pregnancy. This sweet baby, was now dying as a result of her sin. This baby almost never felt the touch of mommy or daddy. Rarely heard their voice. In fact most of the time, it was our voices, our touch this small life experienced. Today, I was fighting to save this little life. I fought with the Lord..."WHY?" "I can't do this again...please!" Satan was good, he knew exactly where to take me. For over 8 hours I tried to contact the parents...my anger stirred even further. For two days, I fought to save this baby's life, which ended at 5:21 pm Monday.

I fought the urge to extend compassion to the parents who appeared to be saddened by the loss of their baby. As I watched them hold their baby...I saw this sweet child in the arms of Jesus. Although, I couldn't mutter the words, "I'm sorry for your loss." I suddenly realized...they had no clothes, no camera. I gathered up clothes, a blanket, and a disposable camera, in attempt to create a memory for them.

I tried so hard not to be angry with this mother, who was still living the lifestyle she did during her pregnancy. I struggled with understanding what the Lord wanted from me. The memories of two other sweet babies came to mind...the tears, the agony! Why am I doing this again?

Last night at recovery, I understood His message. So silly...How could I miss it? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night on the way home from recovery...the same song has played over and over.

The Power of Your Name

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet

I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

I am a NICU nurse because it's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It's here in the midst of brokenness, I am to carry His compassion, to be His hands and feet...To love a world that's broken.

On Tuesday, I watched, as this amazing family loved a world that's broken. Over the last few weeks I had the privilege of meeting Merrill and Roberta Simon. They are amazing. They have adopted 18, now 19 children. All not wanted, many born of mothers who did drugs during pregnancy. They were done adopting babies, but the Lord had other plans for them. Tuesday, they took home another baby to be apart of their family. While "Montana" was in our unit, Roberta would drive an hour to visit this precious boy. I got to know her. I sat in awe as she shared stories of each and every adopted child. She knows them so well...every inch of them. You can follow their story on her blog...you'll be blessed, I promise!

I'm not surprised at all over how very blessed I am. In light of all the emotions I've gone through over the past few days...I find hope in Paul's words:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:7-10.

Let me tell you 'bout...

2010-08-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

the birds and the bees

and the flowers and the trees

and the moon up above

and a thing called "Love"

Anyone remember these lyrics? They've been playing over and over again in my head for about a month now. It all started with worry.

Worry about my finances.

Worry about my children's future.

Worry about my job.

Worry about where I would live.

Worry about homeschooling.

Worry about my marriage.

Worry if I'm good enough.

Worried about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As you can see I became consumed by worry. Consumed to the point where I tried to control my worry by over eating, not eating, sleeping, and shutting others out. I prayed and prayed...still worried. About a month ago, I decided to be silent and hear what the Lord had to say to me about worry.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Matthew 6:25-28

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

As I read these words, I struggled with hearing the message within them. Later that afternoon I went for a walk. I was followed by a group of birds. They were swirling around me. (Actually, they were driving me nuts!) I was trying to listen to my Christian music (perhaps the Lord would speak to me in song) and they were distracting. I stopped...look at the birds of the air! I took my earphones out and to my surprise I could hear them chirping away (normally I can't hear anything without my hearing aids). The sounds were beautiful. I continued to watch and was fascinated by how they would soar through the air. Wings spread...glidding...so free...not a care in the world. I remembered the birds nest above my front door. I've watch the momma bird fly to and fro providing food for her young. No worries, the Lord supplied her need. Soon, the babies were gone...the nest empty. Momma still with no worries, for she knows the Lord will care for her Babies...He will provide. I'm reminded; my children may leave the nest...trust...the Lord will care for His children.

I didn't really see bees on my walk, but they often surround my front door. As I looked up scripture about bees/hornets. It seems the Lord sends these tiny creatures to destroy. I thought of how often, we are so fearful of these little bees. Arms waving frantically...we try to escape the sting of the bee. Yet, this tiny creature, knows its strength...shows no fear...uses what God has given to defend off intruders. We too have been given such strength...His word, His promise...abide in Me and I in you. John 15:4

As I continued on my walk, I noticed all the wild flowers along my path. (This day I made them lilies.) There was a breeze that day, I watched them gently sway. Such a beautiful dance. Nothing to carry them away, for they were firmly planted in good soil. Firmly planted in Him...I too will remain when the enemy attacks.

I now shifted my attention to the trees. So many shades of green. Only God can create such magnificent shades. Although, the trees here are not planted near water, they receive water. It can be very hot here, yet in the summer, the leaves remain green...wilting only with lack of water. Many friends have fruit trees. Cherries, lemons, even the apple orchids bear fruit. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John15:5

My mind wondered to our recent camping trip. I felt so close to God in all of His creation, I was fascinated by His wondrous works. The trees near the flowing river, the birds, the butterflies, the sounds, smells, the fine details, I was in awe.

As the seasons change, the trees remain. Although the leaves may turn to vibrant shades of red, yellow, orange...their roots remain spread across the earth. The rain or snow, continues to provide the water they need to survive. Do you remember the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the well? He explained to her that He was the living water, and if we drink from Him we will never thirst. He's saying, He will provide all we need for life. If we trust in Him for all things, our humanly desires will soon fade as we see how much the Lord has blessed us. No matter what season we're in, He provides!!

What about the moon? Have you ever looked at the moon and sworn you saw a face? Intriguing! I started thinking about the sky and it's vastness. How small we are among this giant universe. Yet, every hair on our head, every thought...He knows. I have recently been blessed with the most beautiful sunrises and clear skies at night...the moon and stars so bright. What a glorious kingdom...yes!?

What I realized, again...I have no control. I'm reminded of what Jesus told Martha...Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her. Luke 10:41-42.

What is so amazing, is that the Lord loves me so much He allows me to try to control my life, He waits patiently on the sidelines till I trust in Him...He forgives. Only one thing is needed...remain in Him.

Everything...the birds, bees, flowers, trees, moon, stars, sunrises, sunsets, His children...all created by Him from LOVE!

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31. I love this scripture!

One of the women in my Recovery group said something that I have a firm grip on. You see, for such a long time I allowed Satan to bind me to my desire for control. So much so that I closed my mind and my thoughts to how great the Lord's love is for me. I let others influence me, I let my entitlement control my desires.
But now...

NO ONE CAN TAKE MY GOD AWAY FROM ME!

His love is displayed throughout all of creation...just take a look...just trust...He will never leave or forsake any of His children, His creations!

I'm troubled

2010-07-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook. As I watched, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw myself in this video.

I grew up in a Christian home, yet I didn't know the Lord. Many family members prayed diligently to Him and believed in Him with their heart and soul. Yet, for me, I saw the Lord as someone who had high expectations of me I knew I could never meet. I thought He was this big eye in the sky watching every move I made, frowning upon me, turning His back on me. I would pray for Him to give me the desires of my heart...nothing. I just couldn't fully trust this great and powerful being, so why bother. It wasn't until just recently, I came to know the Lord, my God, my Savior. You can read about it here.

As I watched this video, I was reminded how easy we fall pray to the enemy. Every aspect of this video was and at times, still is my life. It was here, Satan, knowing my lack of knowledge and trust in the Lord, held me captive. So much so, that at one point in my teen years I tried to take my life. I was so desperate for acceptance, that I was willing to do anything. I decided to take the wide road because it was easier. I fell under the pressures of peers, men, alcohol, drugs, all which lead to depression. I wanted what I wanted and pursued those desires eventually making them my idols. I am so thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. I was once lost but, now I am found.

What troubles me...so many, young and old, don't know the Lord. Or, like me, they don't understand the desires of His heart. We are called as Christians, to share with those who don't know, or who have wondered away from the Lord, about His unconditional love, His grace, His sacrifice. By sharing our testimony about the Lord with others, one person may come to know Him...Amen!

I have two grown children and three teens. Sadly, because of my past belief, during their younger years, I never spoke of the Lord's love for me, for them. I'm troubled that they too may be held captive by the enemy. I'm sharing my love for the Lord with them now, I pray for them, but ultimately, they must believe and trust in Him.

I'm troubled as I think of the many who are smoothered by what they believe will make them happy. By those who fail to see the Lord standing on the side lines of their lives reaching out to them. Toubled that many will never run to His arms. Troubled for those who believe the Lord is the cause of their pain. Troubled for those who don't know the truth.
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, He SAVED me. Psalm 115:5-6

I have a request, would you take time to pray for those who don't yet know or trust the Lord. For the many that are trapped by the devil's grip.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Have a safe and blessed 4th.

50

2010-06-08T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today I start a new decade of my life. The past few decades left me bitter, resentful, and empty. I struggled to find my purpose in life, honestly...I'm still not certain of what that is. One thing I am certain...He knows.

I'm struggling, wondering why it took me till 50 to feel and understand the Lord's love and grace for me. I struggle, thinking...wouldn't it have been better for me to know this years ago that I might pass it on to my children? So much pain could have been avoided. I'm reminded that it's His timing, not mine. His purpose, not mine. Still in my human nature, I wish it had been sooner.

So much has changed for me since the first of the year. I made a decision to seek Him diligently and I found Him. Often I would hear others express how they hear the Lord speaking to them. Honestly, my response...psst, okay, sure!

I use to think He only spoke to those worthy. I use to think He speaks with this great voice, you know like when He spoke to Moses. I never saw this burning bush, or heard that thunderous voice. I just couldn't grasp what people were saying, until now.

The Lord speaks to us in ways we understand, in ways only we can hear Him, in ways that are unique only to us. For me, I hear Him in books I read, songs, biblical stories, and when others share an experience with me. The first few times I recognized Him speaking to me, actually blew my mind. And yes, He speaks to those of us who feel unworthy, for all are worthy in His eyes.

For so long I held on to bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt over so many circumstances in my life. I held on to my unforgiving heart. I felt so stained by my sins, believing I would never be forgiven I stayed in the darkness...because it's what I deserved. As a result, I did it my way. I tried to control my destiny and that of my family. Everything became, all about me.

In February I started the Celebrate Recovery program at church. Coupled with my devotion to His word, a change has started in my heart, in my life. A change that comes from the Lord's unconditional love and grace for me.

I was desperate for change, as a result,it was time. Time for the Lord to show me how great His love and forgiveness is. I wish I could describe it so all can understand, I simply can't. But, when you feel it, you'll know exactly what I mean. Because He loves me so...I want to give that love back.

How do I do this? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31

For so long I fought against the greatest commandment because of my entitlement attitude. You love me first, then I will love you. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19.

Because He loves me so much, He waited for me. He waited till He knew I would be ready to receive all He had to say to me. This has not been a painless process. No, it's been quite painful. As He has revealed my sinful ways, He is creating in me a new self.

A recent story I read, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, is where the Lord has recently spoken the loudest to me. Without giving much of the story away, I want to share a few things with you.

There is a situation where Corrie at the age of nine or ten ask her father a question. He doesn't answer right away, but waits for the perfect timing (Something the Lord does, His timing). He ask Corrie to carry his train case which is full. She tries, but responds by saying "I can't, it's too heavy!" He says, "How cruel it would be for a father to let a little girl carry such a load." He then explains, "Sometimes knowledge is this way. Some knowledge is to heavy for children to carry, when you're older you can carry it, but for now, let me carry it." I realize the Lord is like this, He carries the load until He knows we are ready. I also realized that far to often, I let my children carry my train case, when I should have carried that load. It's here, I think..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

Another big moment for me was when Corrie's father tries to comfort her broken heart. He explains, "love is the strongest force in the world, and when it's blocked that means pain. There are two things you can do when this happens. Kill the love so it stops hurting, but then of course, a part of you dies too. Or, ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. If you ask Him, He will give you a love nothing can prevent or destroy. Whenever we can't love the human way, God can give us the perfect way." WOW!!

This made me realize so often in my life, I killed the love because of my bitterness, anger, resentment, controlling, perfectionist, entitlement attitude. As a result, a part of myself and those that I loved died. Again..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

But, I didn't.

But, I do now!!

For me to continue to live in the past, to allow it to hold me captive, forever trapped in darkness, Satan would win. But, I now have the light... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12.

The final thing spoken to me in this story is about forgiveness. Corrie struggled to forgive a man who had done much wrong to her, to others. She prayed, "I cannot forgive this man, Lord give me your strength to forgive." The moment she took this man's hand she understood, "it's not on our forgiveness any more than our goodness that the worlds healing hinges, but on HIS! When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself!"
So, I begin my 50's with new knowledge...Love is the greatest force in the world.

Sometimes love hurts and when it does I can ask the Lord to give me His way to love, the perfect way.

After all, He loves me more than I can ever imagine.

He loves me enough to carry my train case.

He loves me enough to let me try it my way.

He loves me enough to forgive me of my sins.

He loves me enough to sacrifice life that I may have life.

To forgive me when I leave Him.

To accept me back, no questions asked, with open arms.

16 Years

2010-06-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's been 16 years since we've been to one of our favorite camp spots, Salt Springs. Originally, all of my children and grandchildren were to join us...sometimes things just don't turn out the way we had hoped. I'm hoping that soon, everyone can be together for a large family camping trip.

This place is so huge, I can't begin to explain how vast! We use to camp here often with my older two children and built so many wonderful memories. We had gone three times after my third child, Emily was born, created more memories, then no more. I'm really not sure why we never went again, perhaps I was to caught up in life...I donno!

Two years ago we took a family camping trip with all my children, grandchildren, and siblings. Sadly, it wasn't what we had experienced in the past. It was special because so many of us were together.

It's camping to the core...no electricity, no running water(except the streams), no bathrooms (except for an out house, and my own personal potty.) I love being in the midst of Gods creation, it's so beautiful. With my new hearing aids, I was in awe over all the sounds I could hear(leaves, birds, streams, rushing feet of the squirrels)...so thankful!
Enjoy the photos

Our Favorite Camp Site

White Azalea

All set

Stream at our site

Love sleeping to this sound

Another view

Yet another

Perhaps a new site for next time

Stream at new campsite

another view
yet another

Roads for driving or hiking

Another beautiful fishing spot

These flowers blanket the sides of the road...

Beautiful

Love these clouds!

Calming, don't you think?

This bird was at our camp site.
I love how I can now hear them clearly!

5am

I love this photo, but it also makes me sad. You see, my other children and grandchildren were to be camping with us as well. There should be 8 others in this photo. Something else I realize, soon my boys will be on their own as well, and it will be back to just my husband and I. Enjoy every moment with your children, time really does fly!

Breathtaking...Yes?!

Your gonna miss this...

2010-05-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's been quite sometime since my last post.

I've been struggling.

What a wonderful feeling I had just a few weeks ago...where did it go?

It's like when you return from a wonderful vacation. The entire time you were gone, you were living in the moment, soaking in the entire experience, a little taste of heaven...loving every minute, not a single worry...hoping it wouldn't end.

You come home, to the reality of your life...the bills, the emails, work, again you find yourself in warp drive, caught up in the world...longing for your vacation...missing those heavenly moments.
You see, I found myself in a Plan B (a must read book) moment...Wondering where God went? Why He isn't here the way I expected Him to be.

I have a confession...

Suddenly, I wondered...was I wrong...did I miss something?

You see, I couldn't figure out why my marriage was still a complete and utter mess. Prompted by the Lord, I confessed some things to my husband. What a relief I felt. Yet things didn't seem to be going as I thought they should.

My husband has started joining me at church and recovery(he didn't start to go because I told him to, both he and the Lord made certain of that. He went because, and I quote, "God called me back!") yet, something was missing. I thought God was going to renew the love in our marriage, make it all better. Then he stopped going to recovery. In my mind I thought, "now we haven't got a chance." Our relationship was still broken(recovery was to help mend it), instead of drawing closer, it seems the distance between us is even farther than before.

I pray...nothing!

Where are you?

In my weakness, my distorted thinking...I slip, take matters into my own hands. Impatient...I take control.

Oh, no you didn't, you say.

Sadly, I did.

Over, and over, I repeated...where are you? Why aren't you answering my prayers?!!

It took this long to hear Him? Why? Because I was looking within, not at Him.

The other night my husband and I got into a terrible fight, I found myself trying to control him, our marriage, as I have in the past. Trying to fulfill my destiny. I left with my Bible and found myself in Romans.

Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worship and serve created things, rather than the creator-who is forever praised-Amen.

Reality check-Your placing your marriage (an idol) above me...Wait!

Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.

Reality check-remove the log! Again, I tried to control my relationship, by pointing out his faults and how he can improve, making our marriage better.

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

12:10 Honor one another above yourselves.

12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Stop!

Hope...Patient...Faithful

By being impatient, not waiting on the Lord, I lost hope. Even though I continued to pray and read His word, because I was impatient...I put my faith in myself to solve my problems.

He says...wait...It's coming.

I begged for some sort of sign...wait!

I became so discouraged. I knew things would be hard, I just wasn't really willing to suffer, willing to wait. I suppose I thought, in some distorted way...things would be easy now that I really feel God's love. I was so disappointed, yet not surprised, at how quickly I fell back into my own ways(I knew Satan would attack). I never really thought I was not trusting God. I just don't have the patience to wait. I also felt guilty. Such pettiness, my problems compared to many others I know. I hate that I can be so self-centered at times.

Yesterday I read the following in my devotional, Jesus Calling.

When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts in the present moment. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me. Self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success.

Ah-ha! When people say God speaks in mysterious ways...IT'S TRUE!

The Lord has made me aware of my distorted thinking. The reliance I place on myself makes me my god. The success I might obtain, brag about, take credit for, is always temporary. I wind up in the same place every time...without hope, without faith.

I need to stop looking at the past, trying to control the future, and see the right here, right now. If I don't I might miss it.

I need to stop trying to control my destiny! I need to be patient, wait for each moment, living them as they come, one by one, if not...I'm gonna miss it.

I've just finished Plan B, by Pete Wilson, a book I strongly encourage you to read. He says:
"Instead of an answer, God offers us something better. He offers us a solution. He offers us the cross."

He doesn't offer us a life here on earth without trouble, for that we must wait. What He does offer is hope through Christ death.

There is no doubt that I will have moments where things are great, moments where things are worse. It's so important that I understand that my ways are not His ways. To live each moment (joy and pain) as they come...for it is in those moments I am alive! It frightens me to know that I live in the flesh, that I will continue to stumble. What I've realize...I need to wait...I have hope...I have a Savior. Thank the Lord, He didn't allow me to give up. I can see Him in my Plan B even when things aren't going the way I want things to go. Yesterday I shared what the Lord was saying to me with my husband, to my surprise(I shouldn't be surprised), he told me that he too found himself in the book of Romans. Amazing!

Right now, the Lord is in the process of remolding me into who He created me to be. That process includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to just "settle down" and see things for what they truly are, not so blown out of proportion. I'm a work in progress.

I need to stay in the moment...if not...I'm gonna miss it!

Some lyrics from Trace Adkins, Your Gonna Miss This

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this...

A wretch like me...

2010-04-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

I realize this is a long post, but it's an important post for me and there was no way to condense any of it.

This week as been a very emotional week. At first, I thought perhaps it had to do with missing my daughter Emily, and the feelings that have surfaced as a result of her physical absence. I began to see myself as a mother, and wasn't real thrilled with what I saw. I started to regret not holding my children often enough, not reading to them enough, not playing enough, not talking enough, not laughing enough, not really getting to know them. I realized, I spent way to much time cleaning house, planning meals, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and so on. I regret placing my two older children in the position of raising their three younger siblings, all so I could attend nursing school. I was consumed by my performance based perfectionism, wondering, what kind of damage have I done. I didn't just miss Emily, I missed all my children.

Throughout this week my mind has been filled with an influx of thoughts, of sins that have stained my life. Stains I haven't been able to get rid of, instead, I've just covered them up with a throw rug. What you see on the outside is clean, the inside...well...not so much.

Wednesday, on my way to the church Recovery meeting, I became consumed by tears. Not the tears you shed with a good movie. The shaking, sniffing, hysterical out of control, you can't understand a word I'm saying, snot dripping sobbing. I was struggling to understand why I was so emotional. I was trying to tell myself to get it together...you can't let people see you like this! Get a hold of yourself!!!

Somehow I managed to get a grip before entering church. After a few hugs and songs of praise, we sat to hear a young man's testimony. This young man is the same age as my oldest son. I could barely contain my tears during his testimony. So much so, that I wanted to get up and leave, to run far away. Instead, I stayed, captivated by his story. A story so similar to my own. I wept. Wept over how amazing God is in this young man's life. Wept, wondering if mine could be equally touched by God.

You see, I have not really been honest about who I am. Partially because I am still trying to figure out exactly who that is. But mostly, because I don't want to see who I really am. I'm disappointed in myself, in the choices I've made. I wish I wasn't so concerned about what others thought of me. I wish I didn't need to control everything and everyone. I wish I didn't have to be perfect. I wish I didn't need to be right. I wish I didn't care about how clean my house is or how much mony I have in retirement. I wish I could be good enough to earn my way into heaven.

My parents are good people, each with their own special qualities. We inherit certain traits from our parents...I've inherited their perfectionism. As a result, all that I do, all that I expect of others is performance based.

I was raised Catholic, and from a very young age struggled with the teachings of the church. I questioned so much. My parents didn't understand my point of view. Wanting to do what was right, and perform well for them, I continued to follow along the teachings of the church, yet I still struggled. I didn't see things the way my parents saw them. They seem to love God and know that He loves them, but I never felt the same way. I heard a different message.

Babies had to be baptized or they couldn't go to heaven right away if they died because they carried the unpardonable sin. As a baby, I was baptized. Later, first communion then confirmation, all rituals of the Catholic church. In my view, it was these steps that would take me to heaven. I feared doing anything wrong, thinking God would punish me either here on earth, or by placing me in hell or purgatory. I believed if I continued to sin, I would be forever lost. No matter how hard I tried...I kept sinning. Not just lying and stealing type of sins...worse...You have no idea what I've done! Perhaps, I'll share some things in another post. But for now, I'm struggling with the stains of those sins. All which are to difficult to speak of at this time.

In my first marriage I tried so hard to be a good Catholic. Again, it just wasn't working for me. After my divorce, I gave up on the Catholic faith because I felt God and the church gave up on me. Besides, I'm strong, nearly perfect...I can do this on my own. I returned to a life of drugs and alcohol, and yes, more sin, all with two children in tow.

About a year after my divorce, a coworker began speaking to me about his church. He asked if I would like to attend a revelation seminar. Realizing I was failing miserably at life, at my salvation, I thought, why not. I was amazed at how different things where in this church, the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Here I learned about baptism by immersion, about the sabbath, about clean and unclean foods, about how not to outwardly adorn yourself with jewelry and make-up...

My current husband attended the seminar with me, in December of 1991, we were baptized into the Adventist faith. I can't speak for my husband, but I realize now, I was baptized because I believed it was the right thing to do. I wasn't baptized the real way as a baby, so if I truly wanted to be saved, immersion was what I must to do.

Honestly, I never felt any different. Again, I found myself going though church rituals and still not feeling God's love and grace that everyone talks about. The church preached that you are saved by grace through faith, yet I continued to believe by following the teachings of the church, my good performance would get me into heaven.

Again, things started going bad. My marriage was failing, money was tight, but most importantly...Again, God was not answering my prayers.

I began to believe that God was punishing me for my sins. Disgusted by my life of sin, by what God wasn't doing for me, by feeling that being a Christian was more of a burden than joy, that I could never, ever, perform well enough to enter heaven, I quit.

For almost two years I've been going to a non denominational church. There have been times where scripture has spoken to me, but only for a short while. I quickly return to my ways (my control). Even here, I myself have typed post that have spoken to my heart, have actually blown me away, but soon thereafter, I lose faith, I fall right back into that sinful nature.

For the last few months, I have been feeling the Lord in my life. Honestly!! For the first time, I am seeing Christ. But in the back of my mind I've wondered, have a blown my chances at God's love and Grace. I have recently struggled with Hebrews 6:4-6 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

I was deeply moved by this Easter service. Christ crucifixion touches my heart deeply. The above verses makes me wonder, have I crucified Him again? Have I lost my way?

You readers don't know my sins! God knows. I've wondered...can He really love a wretch like me? Forgive me?

On this night, this young man was not scheduled to give his testimony. But, because of a certain chain of events, he spoke. I believe, all of this was the Lord's plan. His plan, to speak to me through this young man. His testimony was meant for me.

After his testimony, we split up into our small groups. Things became worse for me. I tried to listen to others share while fighting tears. Then, it was my turn to speak. I began sobbing inconsolably. What came out of my mouth blew my mind. I realized I had never been saved. I was my own savior. All I have done was performance based. I have never tasted the heavenly gift, the goodness of the word of God, shared in the Holy Spirit. I have not fallen away. For right now, right here in this room at almost 5o... I have been saved.

I am sobbing even now as I type. My sin stained life has been cleaned. I am so overwhelmed by the love of the Lord. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever felt such love. I feel like a bride the night before her wedding. Excited, anxious, frightened, anticipating the best is yet to come. This is real, I am being totally honest here about what I'm feeling. This young man's life was hardly what I would consider to be terrible, but he felt and knew with such certainty that the Lord loved and forgave him. Unreal!

I suppose your wondering why I say I'm frightened. I'm afraid because I know Satan will tear me apart. I'm afraid that I might turn to my old self. Here's the thing...I will have trouble, I know there will be seasons where I may feel as if I am alone. But, one thing I have now, that I didn't have then, is hope.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

I would much rather continue in this life with the hope that someday I will be with the Lord forever, captivated by His love, than to not believe, die, and realized that what He promised exist and that I can't partake of it.

It's important for me to add something here. I am not in any way trying to discredit someone's religious belief. I'm sharing my discovery about the Lord. I'm simply stating, my struggles and how I have grown in Christ. I have seen so many true believers of the Lord's love in many, many, faiths. It just wasn't there for me until now. I tried so hard, by my own will to feel it. I see now it boils down to letting the Lord do the work, not me. I'm not expecting you to follow my belief. In fact, I have been bothered lately by the little "followers" sidebar I have here. I use to wonder why some people have more followers than I. I use to wonder how many people read my blog, yet didn't follow. Sometimes, it bothered me. Not anymore.

This post wasn't to save anyone, wasn't to get people to follow my blog. This post was to share the joy I feel about coming to know and understand the love and grace of the Lord for ME. Sure, I could have written in my journal about it (which I did), but this was to good to keep to myself. And, just like the Lord spoke to me through the young man's story that night, He just might speak to one of you through me. After all, at almost 50...He saved a wretch like me!

A New Season

2010-04-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about Spring. It's all about new growth. Trees are full of beautiful blossoms of many different colors, my favorite...pink cherry blossoms. Flowers begin to break its way up from the earth below, reaching towards the warmth of the sun's rays. Tiny little leaves begin to emerge from shrubs and trees. All things made new again.

Yesterday was the start of a new season for both my daughter Emily and myself.

In seasons past, things were cold, dark, scary, stale.

As a young girl, Emily was so full of life. She soaked in everything, found joy in everything, loved to sing and dance. She had this long blond hair with curls on the end, her eye's as blue as the sky, she saw the beauty in everything. Her hair, now brown, her eye's still blue, but have darkened by the trials of her life. By the time she became a teen, I could no longer protect her from the stings of those who bullied her. As a result, in an attempt to protect her spirit, without faith, she turned toward the dark side.

She loves people, and always tries to be kind to others. So when girls were mean to her, at first, she just didn't understand. I tried to teach her to continue to be nice, but, girls are just mean! They would isolate her. When she came to join others for lunch, one would whisper something, and all would walk away, leaving her alone. They would befriend her, gossip about her, make up lies about her, gang up on her, shatter her spirit.

She tried hard to remain kind and loving, but eventually she broke. In an attempt to protect her spirit, she felt no choice but to become cold, she fell into darkness, hopelessness. Her life began to spiral downward, out of control, nothing I did would change her attitude or behavior. Nothing I said would change her...well except,"I don't like you!" She soon began to fear for her life (many threatened her). She lost all hope! She had no will to live or change. No seventeen year old should feel this way.

When Emily was little, I taught about kindness to others. Do unto others as you would want done to you. We went to church until she was six, then I walked away from God, taking my children with me.

Like Emily, I too fell into the darkness and hopelessness. God wasn't doing for me what I wanted Him to do, or quick enough. I felt He just wasn't answering my prayers. I felt He was punishing me. I felt He had abandoned me. I felt I could do things on my own. I could control my destiny and the destiny of my family.

For years, I made decisions I thought was best for all. Those decisions were what held us captive by darkness. Now, don't misunderstand here, I am not taking full responsibility for Emily's actions or choices. I'm simply saying...I feel I may have influenced them in some ways.

Hopeless, helpless, lost...I returned to God. Unfortunately, for over 10 years my children knew/know little about the God of Hope...the God of love....the God of forgiveness...the Grace of God.

Over the past year, I've tried to share my faith in God with my children, but they would have no part. This was so foreign to them, unimaginable.

Things became worse between Emily and I. Emily began getting into more and more trouble, losing more hope in life. She became stagnant, she had no will or desire to change. She felt unloved by me, betrayed by friends, uncertain of who she is, of the direction her life should be going...she was lost.

The Recovery program I've been attending, helped me see that I still was in control. I was trying to control her life. I knew what was best for her, all she needed to do was listen to me.

It was here, I also realized that she is God's child.

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I realized, that He declares this same promise to my daughter as well. He doesn't just state His promise, He declares His promise. Declare means to affirm or confirm. Now that's one powerful promise!

What did I need to do...SURRENDER!

Once I surrendered all my control, and I prayed "your will, not mine", great things began to happen. I was able to clearly see what God wanted me to do. I wasn't real thrilled with His will, I wanted to take back that control, but I didn't.

His plans...It was time to give Emily a new beginning, new growth, a new season. My oldest daughter lives in another State, she(and her husband) agreed to let Emily move in with her. Once my husband and I confirmed this was what God wanted, we started making preparations for Emily. An amazing thing began to happen...Emily's expressions became brighter, she was full of hope.

Emily left yesterday. I can't say I'm not sad. Actually, I'm an emotional wreck. For a while, I felt like I failed as her mother. I was ashamed by my negative feelings toward her. I was upset, that I couldn't finish raising her. The thing is...I really struggled with how negatively I had treated her. How I had given up on her. How in my mind, because she wouldn't listen to me, I was justifying my behavior towards her. I was afraid she didn't realize the depth of my love for her. The depth of our Heavenly Fathers love for her. Oh, how I want her to feel His love, to cling to His promise. God opened my eyes to see that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. That His works are truly wonderful. Through God's Grace, I realize, my mistakes are forgiven, we are both His daughters and loved by Him more than we will ever be able to comprehend.

While she was getting ready, something happened that gave me a sense of peace. She was singing again. Most importantly, she was singing "My God is Mighty to Save"
(My children have been listening!)

At the last minute I presented her with a gift from my husband and I, a cross. I explained to her, that when ever she is frightened or uncertain to hold on to the Cross and remember Jesus loves you. To realize that at the Cross, all sins are forgiven, because He loves us so. To trust in His promise, to pray for His guidance, to listen to His voice, to follow His light!

Yesterday, began a new season for both Emily and I. All things are made new!

I miss and love her so much it hurts. One thing for certain...God's love for her is much greater than mine...He is Mighty to Save!

Will you all please uplift Emily in prayer as she begins her new season.

PAID IN FULL

2010-04-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

Almost 35 years ago, I bought my first car. A forest green 1973 Mercury Capri. My father graciously agreed to co-sign a loan for me for two years. Afraid to risk ruining my credit, I diligently paid my car payments every month. Besides, my father told me "you miss a payment, I take the car."

I remember how excited I was to show my friends my car. (You really don't think of the bank as owning your car at that age). Even though I had the car in my possession, I didn't quite own it. I was required to regularly make payments. Once the final payment was made, I received the loan document with the words...PAID IN FULL stamped across. It was at that moment, I realized I owned my car free and clear, all for a hefty price. (Well, hefty for a 17 year old).

This was my first real experience with a major purchase. I remember how much I had to sacrifice to maintain those payments on a monthly basis. In the end, to me, it was worth every sacrifice.

A lot has happened during these last few weeks in Recovery, the most important-getting to know Jesus at a much more intimate level.

Good Friday and the events that take place leading up to Easter Suday moves me emotionally. What makes this time so emotional for me, Christ on the cross. At this scene, I weep inconsolably. It's so difficult for me, it shames me to know that He made the final payment for my sins, for my salvation. I just don't feel worthy and I can't understand why I can't be good. How many times will He forgive me...Seventy times seven. Will there ever be a sin for which there is no forgiveness?

What I've realized is He's forgiven...

The adulterous "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:11

A sinful women "Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48

A criminal "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:4

All who crucified Him "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."
Luke 23:34

There are so many more situations where He has forgiven.

I no longer have to make monthly payments for my sins, Christ made the final payment for me. His ransomed life redeemed my salvation. I didn't have to sacrifice anything, He sacrificed for me. An ultimate sacrifice...He laid down His life for me. Why?

I've been trying to wrap my brain around this. What makes me so special?

In Websters, the word ransom, when used as a verb means: to deliver. Free from captivity or punishment by paying a price.

Why? Because God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. John 3:16-17

God gave His Son. When we give something to someone, it's a gift. God has graciously given us the gift of eternal life through Jesus. There are no strings attached, no cost to me...it's GRACE!

What makes me so special? I am created by God, for God. He has a purpose for me. That purpose, to live my life by GRACE.

God knows we are all sinners by nature, He knows we will continue to sin. Something I've come to realize through Recovery is GRACE. God has resurfaced some of my past sins, as a result, I have confessed some of them. You know what I've received...forgiveness, freedom, and unconditional love. That's GRACE! No matter how much I can't forgive myself, God forgives me, and Christ shed His blood for me.

Jesus life and death was for one purpose, to free all from captivity by suffering the punishment in our behalf. What did it cost me-nothing. What did it cost Jesus- His life. Why did He do it...for love. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:12

As I sit at the Cross, I am deeply moved by this unmerited love Jesus has shed for me. To Jesus, I'm worth the sacrifice. He has made the final payment...my salvation... PAID IN FULL!

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's GRACE that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
Ephesians 1:7-8

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His GRACE, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith-and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:6-8

Labor pains

2010-03-02T05:45:00.001-08:00

I posted this on my private blog. Thought I'd share it with those of you here as well.
Just something I've been thinking about...

In the last few weeks God has been revealing a lot about me that is extremely, emotionally painful. I'm reminded of the labor(physical) pains a women goes through during the birth process.

I've had the privilege of being present during the birth of my grandchildren. I remember my daughter while in labor with my granddaughter and grandson, she would often call out to me for comfort..."mom, it hurts!"..."I know honey, it's almost over...you can do it...I love you!" As I watched my daughter-in-law, breathe through each contraction, she was very focused...she was on a mission.

They say you soon forget the pains of labor, not I...that was one of the most excruciating physical pains I've ever had to endure, but well worth it. How did I get through it? I knew what the outcome would be...a miracle, a new life.

I've been taught God gave Eve the pains of labor as a result of her sin. I wonder if the real purpose of labor, is to show us through pain the beauty of the end results...the birth of one of His children. To realize, that sometimes good things, great things, glorious things, come out of our pain.

Where do the dad's fit in all of this, you can feel their emotion by looking into their faces. They wish they could take away the pain, could bear the pain...all they can do is ofter encouraging words, a comforting touch. We simply can not bear the burdens of each others pain. We can ofter our love and prayers, trusting God will see them through.

I've recently reread of Christ death on the cross. I can't imagine the intense physical and emotional agony He must have felt. Physically being nailed to the cross. Only He carried the burdens, the sin of all men. Imagine what our Heavenly Father must have experienced when His Son called out to Him. How painful that must have been for God to watch. All for a purpose, one that is so difficult for many of us to comprehend. Our redemption!

As painful as my brokenness feels right now, I believe that like the birth of a child...beauty, love, joy, and grace will be the outcome. God is using my brokenness for His glory. All I have to do is focus and trust He will carry me.

The best things about homeschooling...

2010-02-27T09:28:00.001-08:00

Are these two!
Two teenage brothers diligently doing their school work and helping each other. They're not confined to a school desk, instead they comfortably sit on the floor of their home, free to learn in ways that are best suited for them. Each are doing separate grade assignments, but oddly enough, they help each other.

These are teenagers folks. I'm amazed by how well they work together. Believe me, the do have their moments, but, when we are learning...there is unity.

I love the freedom I have with homeschooling. I can choose my learning material, based on their individual learning grades and learning style.

Homeschooling is not easy...there are lesson plans, papers to grade and record, all of which take up a lot of time. But, it's well worth it.

I've been homeschooling now for about three years. I first started out with computer based learning, not the best for our family. What I found happening, was my children spent so much time on the computer (not just on their subjects), we lost touch of each other. With the help of a very good friend, I was able to find many great Christian based resources available for more of a connected learning with my boys.

The result, what I love most of all...valuable time with my boys, not just staring at the back of their heads as they are on the computer (smile). Together we share our meals, our ideas, laughter, fellowship, and their hopes and dreams for their future.

I am a sinner...

2010-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

It started again just last week, I was struck by another bout with depression. I have not been depressed in almost a year, contributing this blessing to my renewed relationship with God. With the many trials of last year, according to my past history, I surely should have been depressed. What did occur was that I was able to breeze through them, confident that God would see us through, His faithfulness would prevail. So why now!?

I struggled to find an answer as to why now...where did I go wrong?

Backing up a bit, my deepest depression started just before I walked out on my relationship with God. So much in my life was in utter dismay, I believed He didn't care about me...if He did, I wouldn't be such a mess. For almost 8 years I walked alone in my hardships, trying to solve everything my way. My deepest struggle came when I renewed my faith and trust in Gods love, mercy and grace.

For several years, like many, I've been challenged by raising a rebellious teen. Just last week, things became unpleasant and I found myself reacting in the worst way. I became bitter and resentful, saying things, thinking things, as a mother I never, ever dreamed possible. As a result, I turned to scripture for guidance. I read the following:

Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.

1Peter 2:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
12 For they eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Suddenly, the reflection I saw in the mirror was unpleasant. I heard a voice saying...
I am a sinner!

I then became overwhelmed with the thought of disappointing my heavenly Father. I wanted to hide my face in shame from Him. I became consumed by grief and despair. Day after day, I was tormented by these thoughts. Because I felt contempt for my child, I could not help but wonder if God felt the same about me.

I am a sinner!

What made things worse, is that in my human nature, I could not, nor did I want to forgive my child. Thoughts flooded my mind...How can you call yourself a mother, for a mother would never feel this way, say these things...

Diligently, I searched scripture for an answer...for hope...for guidance...for forgiveness!

Last month I focus on the book of Proverbs. Over and over it became apparent to me that as Christians we should seek wisdom. Wisdom is obtained by faithfully reading God's word, and following His instruction. Through Proverbs, I understood how we can be the best God wants us to be. Also, last week during my Bible study, Beth Moore made the following statement: "God knew what He was allowing to happen to bring it to the destiny He planned."

What is my destiny? To that question, I've yet to find an answer. What I have done, is stopped searching for what I want my destiny to be and wait patiently for God to reveal His destiny for me.

While, I have yet to understand His destiny for me, he has shown me that it is not the circumstances that has made me depressed, it is the way Satan has twisted and manipulated my thoughts. Satan has the ability to take our sin (anger, bitterness, unforgiving nature) and use it to his advantage to keep us from God. He builds upon it, causing us to continue to sin (my unwillingness to forgive). Satan knows how much I want to love and please my heavenly Father. He knows that when I sin against one of God's children, I want to hide my face in shame. He fills me with grief and despair, continuing to hold me captive, convincing me that I am not worthy of God's love, grace, mercy and forgiveness because
I am a sinner!

God on the other hand, also reveals my sinful nature. Not to make me feel unworthy of His love, but to show me my weaknesses. By revealing my sins to me, Gods intent is to teach me the ways in which I should go. He wants me to cling to Him especially in my times of troubles, for it is there I will see His greatest promise...He will never leave nor forsake me.

What I found in my faithfulness to God's word is...Hope

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith not by sight.

For those of us who believe that of which Christ represents (grace and mercy), through faith not by sight, will be gradually transformed into His likeness. This gradual process is one that will likely continue till our death. It is through God's mercy we are supplied with the strength and courage to persevere when face to face with persecution, hardship, or the reflection of our sinful nature.

When I looked up the definition of the word mercy in Websters I found the following:

-Compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender.
-A blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion.
-Kind or compassionate treatment of those in distress.

Is this not the way we view our Heavenly Father?!

God has not turned away from me, He has revealed to me my sinful nature, along with His mercy and forgiveness. With compassion and favor He is asking me to allow Him to continue His role as The Potter, gradually molding me into His likeness. It is up to me, to let go of my control of the situation and trust my life in His hands. No matter what I do to try to be the "perfect Christian" will not save me!

There is not a single thing I can do by my will that will contribute to my salvation.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and it's not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

For I am a sinner saved by the love, mercy, grace and forgiveness of God!

This year I have been much more diligent in my walk with God, as a result Satan, threatened by my faithfulness, once again is desperate to take me captive. Not this time!!!

In my sinful nature I will always have something to overcome. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For it is through my weakness, He is strong...He will be victorious!!

I have realized that God allows my hardship because He is pruning me, ridding the dead branches so that new growth in Him will be strong. God continues to show me, He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour...He will shine His light so that I am reminded of His promises, His constant presence. I have realized that my security rest only in Him, not others, myself, nor a circumstance I am trying to control. Regardless of my struggle, God will bless me. Like a child preparing to cross a busy street, I will continue to hold God's hand. At the moment I am about to cross the troublesome road, I can look up to God with assurance that He will get me across safely.

I thank God for His hope...mercy...forgiveness...love...grace...and Christ sacrifice, that which covers my sin.

No more sorrow, no more pain...

2009-12-28T19:10:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I asked for your prayers for a very special little guy. Early this morning he went to his heavenly home.

I thought yesterday was going to be like every other day at work...I would get to cuddle with this cutie, watch him as he would bat at his little mobile, and try my best to get a giggle out of him. Although he didn't giggle, he had this toothless grin that warmed my heart. He would smile from the corner of his mouth, and often smacked his tongue as he tried to imitate my kisses.

When I arrived at work and saw how this little guy look...I just knew things weren't right. I tried my best to be the "nurse," but all the while my heart was hurting.

It was a long twelve hours involving lab work, cool baths to bring down his temperature, holding, singing...praying. No smiles for me this day, just a quiet calm stare. He was awake the entire shift, but looked so tired. Even a visit from his mom couldn't bring on a smile(he always smiles for her), just this look.

It was very difficult for me to leave at the end of my shift. I felt like I had more to do for him, but had no idea what that would be, as I knew he was in good hands. I asked to be called if anything should happen. (As a nurse in the NICU, you sometime just can't leave your work behind). On my drive home I prayed...Heavenly Father, please give this little guy some rest. He looks so weary and tired. At the same time, one of my favorite songs, I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin was playing on the radio.

That night as I tried to sleep, the same song was playing over and over again in my head. I woke before 1am with those lyrics running through my mind. The phone rang shortly after 1 with the news...I just couldn't believe it, another little NICU boy I have grown to love has gone to heaven.

Immediately after Ricky's death I felt such anger at God...why didn't you do something? When I got the news of this little guy early this am, I felt the same way. Wiping my tears, I got dressed and headed down to the hospital to say goodbye. On my drive the same song was playing. As I heard the words...

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

I suddenly had my answer...

As I held, rocked, and hummed this song to this little guy, I realized for him there will be No more sorrow, no more pain. He has risen on eagles wings.

I will miss him terribly, but I know together with Ricky they are singing praises with the angels.

I thank all of you for your prayers, if you would continue to pray for the family and the staff in our NICU, I would greatly appreciate it. I also want to take a moment to mention how wonderful it is to work with such a great crew. So many have been touched by this little guys life, not just the nurses...the respiratory therapist, the unit clerks, the volunteers, the housekeepers, and even the other families who have caught a glimpse of that grin.

I wish I knew how to download the song from You Tube...can't figure it out.
Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

The Wonder of Birth

2009-12-23T10:52:00.001-08:00

My friend Michelle stopped by work yesterday, with good news to report. Both her and baby, Faith are doing very well. You could see the joy in her face...that of a mother with child.

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking about the birth and life of Christ in a different light. Seeing the "pregnancy glow" on Michelle's face made me wonder...

How much did Mary's face glow?

I remember visiting Michelle while she was in the hospital in preterm labor. The fear and tears for her unborn daughter also made me think...

Did Mary and Joseph understand the depth of Jesus life and His sacrifice for mankind?

Working as a NICU nurse, you can read so many emotions on a parents face. Some of those emotions, take me back to when all my children were born. I was in awe! A miracle!

Mary, the mother of Jesus must have been experiencing the same things, and more.

After having children, my recall of Christ birth is different than when I was a child. I can't imagine delivering a baby in a barn, I would have been terrified. I'm certain Mary was calm, knowing God had everything carefully planned.

When I heard my babies first cry...relief!

I wonder what Mary thought when she heard the cry of Jesus.

As I found myself staring at my new born, I had such hopes and dreams for them. I wondered...what will their future hold?

Did Mary fear for the future of her Son? As a mother, did she somehow have the urge to plea with God to change His plans for Jesus?

My friend Michelle is no doubt counting and recording the weeks of her daughter's progress. Depending on when she is born, Michelle will record the little things she does...first steps, first words...

In the Bible we read about Christ first visit to the Temple, His baptism, His teachings, His love, His miracles performed, His faith, His death...

As a mother, somehow I can't help but wonder what Mary was thinking/feeling as she silently recorded these events to her memory.

I am amazed at the faith, trust and hope of Mary and others I read about in the Bible. I too want to live that way. In our fallen nature it's so darn hard at times.

This year as Christmas approaches and the year comes to an end...I feel so blessed!
I have an amazing group of friends and family. I am also drawing closer to Him. It's good to know that even when I fail, and yes, sin...He continues to forgive and draw me closer to Him.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
-Luke 2;10-14

May you all have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cast all your anxiety on Him

2009-12-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

because He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7

Many of you have been so faithful by joining me in prayer for many of my dear family and friends. Earlier this year I asked for your prayers for my dear friend, Arianna. She has now started a blog about her journey with breast cancer, you can read about it here. Your prayers meant so much to her as she fought a tough battle. They also meant so much to me. Thank you for your faithfullness

As this year comes to a close I have several prayer request. My first, is for another dear friend and co-worker, Michelle. She is approaching her 24th week of her pregnancy (age of viability) with many complications. Being a NICU nurse, she is faced with many difficult thoughts, decisions, and emotions. She is very generous at heart, always extending a helping hand to anyone in need. Now on bed rest, she needs our prayers for a continued pregnancy and delivery of her little girl. She too has started a blog, please stop by and let her know you're praying for her.

My second prayer request is for a little guy I've become quite fond of. He is a patient in the NICU where I work.

He reminds me a lot of this little man

This new little guy, who has captured my heart has been in the NICU for eight months. For confidentiality reasons I can not disclose his name or the reason why he is in our unit. I can tell you, he has had a difficult life for such a little guy. Sometimes even caring for him is so hard.

Recently, he's been facing some really tough times. Usually I can get a smile out of him, but lately, his smiles have been few and far between, and it breaks my heart. When I'm working, I find I just can't get enough of this little guy. When I'm home...I miss him and wonder how he's doing.

This is the part of my job that is extremely difficult, so hard not to bring home. You question why someone so small, just starting out in life, suffers so much. I want to fix him, I want him to go home with his family. I'm counting on my faith, knowing the Lord always sees us through difficult times.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Would you please join me in prayer for him and Michelle.

Change can be a good thing

2009-12-04T08:00:00.001-08:00

For years, six to be exact, I have been "peri menopausal."

It goes something like this:

Jacket/sweater on, hair down...jacket/sweater off, hair up.

Why doesn't anyone care about me (*sniff*), Oh, you guys are so sweet.

Happy, sad...happy, sad...happy, sad...all within one minute! Whew!

Can't sleep, hot flash, blanket off, sweaty, freezing, blanket on...repeat!!!

It's 15 degree's out, all the windows are open, fan on above my bed and a floor fan directly facing me. My husband is fully dressed for bed in his winter ski outfit, including hat and gloves, while I'm in shorts and a t-shirt.

Uh...I know who you are, um...my boss...what was your name again? Jeez, I've got early Alzheimers!

I think you have the general idea. I have been going CrAzY! I'm sure if you ask my family, they would say something that sounds like..."you're going cRaZy, do you have any idea what you're putting us through!"

Dear Lord, I understand you're trying to prepare me for a new phase of my life, but this is a bit extreme, don't you think?! Can you just cool it down a notch! And the emotional bondage..ughh!

Peri menopause- the transition period before menopause, usually lasting 1-3 years. Hello, it's been six for me!! Your cycle is irregular, you can't sleep, your memory is shot, you're extremely emotional, and you feel like your going crazy. You are considered menopausal when you don't have a cycle for one year, and yes you still suffer with the above! Nice!

I could have anywhere from 10-20 hot flashes an hour to over 100 in any given day. I was taking bio-identical hormones, with little results. In January, my doctor suggested I try a different medication, this would be my fourth. After a brief trial period and no difference, I decided something had to change.

After doing some research, and reading a book and blog of a dear friend, I decided it was time to kick it up a notch. Overall my health was fair, not great. I wanted to feel better, have more clarity, and look better. You know...turn some heads!

I have done this diet and that, worked out here and there, but never consistent. In June I turned 49, it hit me, "Yikes! I'm getting old!" I felt like time is really, really catching up to me. I have five children, three still at home, and two grown children with children of their own. I'm a grandmother, and I want to live to enjoy all my children and my grandchildren.

I began to make some subtle changes. I quit taking all medications, and cut out caffeine. This took about a two week period. The side effects coupled with those hormonal issues, made me very unpleasant! In July we went to Disneyland and upon our return, I suffered miserably with extreme edema in my lower extremities. That's when I new it was time for a change!

Slowly, I started changing my diet. I began eating more raw and vegetarian dishes, trying to stay away from meat, dairy, wheat, sugar, processed food, anything packaged with something I can't pronounce, and glutton. After reading Jill's book and doing much research, I was prepared to start on my journey of change. However, I was terrified I wouldn't receive the support from my husband, and hence this would be another unsuccessful attempt. After praying about it and sharing my thoughts with my husband, to my surprise, he wanted to join me in this new change.

On July 6th my husband and I did the Master Cleanse with careful guidance from my dear friend, Jill. We did the cleanse for seven days, followed by juicing for five. Then our diet consisted of mostly, fresh green juice or green smoothie in the morning, then eating raw or semi-vegan diet for the most part. I can't say we are true vegans, as we eat fish, always fresh and wild, usually once a week. We do have cooked meals. Occasionally I will make tofu, soups and chili. Right now we are having a blast experimenting with foods. I really am enjoying creating in the kitchen. We have occasionally had some chicken and other foods(dairy, yeast, glutton). Our body reacted negatively to these foods and we suffered greatly, from stomach problems to head aches. As a result, we realized how bad some foods really made us feel. On Thanksgiving, my 15 year old son (a chef in training) decided to make the entire meal. Yes, we did have some turkey, but he also prepared plenty of fresh vegetables for us to eat.

As for my children...well, it's been tough. There are some things they will eat, other things they will not touch. And you know what, that's okay. Unfortunately, I created bad eating habits in them, and it will take a while for them to accept our change. I don't want to force the issue on them, I want them to see for themselves. After all, they are not me! They love fresh green smoothies, so were one step ahead of the game. Since I home school my children, as an elective I'm teaching about nutrition.

My husband has lost over 30 pounds and I over 20 pounds. We both have more energy and feel great. As for my hot flashes, I may have five a day and still no medication. We both have recieved great compliments, "you've lost so much weight." " Your skin looks great." "You're glowing." I plan on starting an exercise program come the first of the year, starting by getting back on my treadmill and walking.

Now, I am not in any way saying that if you make these changes, you too will have the same results. I'm just sharing my story. Nor am I suggesting that you become a vegan or start eating raw foods, again it's a personal choice. What I would suggest...you investigate things for yourself. Pray about it and ask the Lord to show you what is best for you. We recently watched Food Inc., great movie. I highly recommend it, and no...I don't believe watching the movie will make you a vegetarian. But it will heighten your awareness of what you are eating.

Before

One month later

two months later

October

Chili with cashews as a sour cream

Taco salad with walnuts as taco meat, homemade guacamole,

salsa and chips from a spelt tortilla

Jicama salad with avocado instead of mayonnaise

Cauliflower red coconut curry soup

Raw chocolate cake

Made with walnuts, dates and some raw cocoa.

Drizzled with homemade chocolate and vanilla cream sauce.
Chocolate sauce is made from raw cocoa and agave.

The vanilla sauce is cashews, agave and vanilla.
My husbands favorite..he loves chocolate!

Chocolate cheesecake with mint ganache.

All raw, no eggs, flour or dairy.

Excellent for the holidays!

I also make homemade hummus at least once a week, used to dip all our vegetables as well as a spread on our sandwich. I really am having a blast in the kitchen. Cooking has taken on a very different perspective.

As my dear friend Jill says: "I now eat to live, not live to eat!"

The Wonder Years

2009-08-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

It's official, as of August 22, 2009, I now have three teenagers. It's so hard to believe that the only babies in my life now are my precious grandchildren.

When I was pregnant with my oldest (now 26 with two children of her own), one song in particular was always on my mind...The Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I remember saying to myself..."I am not going to be like that!" I didn't want to miss out on anything. I want to always have a bonding relationship with my children.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

I remember very clearly the day all of my children were born. I truly was in awe over how fearfully and wonderfully made each one of them where. But most importantly, I was honored that God blessed me with the opportunity to raise His children.

Sad but true, as time went on...there were bills to pay, lessons to study, a house to clean, meals to prepare, and many "not today, I got a lot to do." Yes, there were things I missed out on, but thank goodness, it's only a few things. I may not have been diligent about writing in their baby books, but I remember the first of everything, just like it was yesterday.

As my youngest was approaching his 13th birthday, I spent a lot of time reminiscing over my teenage years. They truly were the wonder years. I remember how overwhelmed I would feel at times. I've been doing a lot of listening to my teens lately...and you know what...they wonder the same things I did.

Will my friends accept me?

Am I pretty/good looking?

Am I smart enough?

Why does God let people suffer?

Why doesn't he/she like me?

Are my parents proud of me?

Why don't my parents like me?

Why do my parents constantly nag me?

What am I going to do when I grow up?

Should I have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Should I have sex?

Should I drink, do drugs?

Where should I work?

You all know the list goes on and on...the wonder years!

Something I realized as a parent to teenagers, I too am again in the wonder years.

I wonder...

Did I instill good moral values in my children?

Do they understand God's grace?

Will they make the right decisions?

What will they be when they grow up?

Will they say "no" to sex, to drugs and drinking?

Will they be strong under peer pressure?

Will they stand firm in their faith?

Did I represent Christ character when raising them?

Why don't they like me?

Will they trust God's promises for their life?

The list goes on and on...the wonder years.

It won't be long and I will be writing about the "empty nest syndrome." For now...I plan on enjoying the wonder years...cause I don't wanna miss a thing!

Many of you know, I already have two grown children, with children of their own. I am so proud of both of them. They are truly remarkable people. I am happy to say, they both are my closest and dearest friends. They live in different States, but we speak to each other almost daily.

Each and everyone of my children, created by the Almighty, are unique in there own way with their own style and quirks. As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how God has a plan for all of us...no two plans are alike. I pray they will listen to His voice, always have faith, hold fast to His word and trust His promises.

I am richly blessed!

The Shepherd

2009-07-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday the sermon was on Psalm 23. I haven't been able to think of much else this week. Funny thing is, I've heard this Psalm read many times, especially during a funeral. But, as I reflect on it this week and the message of my Pastor, something beautiful has unfolded.

I've mentioned here that, we have changed our diet. Today, my husband and I started a cleansing, a detox. We both want to be healthy and rid ourselves of all the harm we've done to our bodies over time. I believe this Psalm will carry me through this process. I know, it will not be easy...trust me when I say I got a "taste" of it this morning when I started. What I am certain of is this is the Lords will for my life, otherwise He would not have lead me in this direction.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Websters defines shepherd as one who tends sheep. And the meaning of the word tend...to watch over.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the father-and I lay down my life for the sheep." John 10:14-15

You see, the Lord is my shepherd...He owns me, He knows me, He watches over me, He cares for me, He provides for me. Therefore, I shall not want. It's important for me to be satisfied with His provisions for me, because they will always be perfect because He knows exactly what I need. It may not be what I want, but that isn't important. What's important is knowing that I can trust His provisions for my life.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.

He provides a place of rest for me and calms my storms, helping me find a sense of strength through Him. Again, it's all about trust.

3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Think about this verse for a moment. In my fallen nature, He rebuilds me. Wow, He creates multiple opportunities for me to seek Him. Just like a father leading his child through a crowd, He creates a path for me...leading me to somewhere safe. When I decide to take short cuts, he redirects my path...it's all up to me to trust and follow.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

When I read this verse, I think of a dark valley....my depression, often leads me to this valley. Here's the thing...He protects me! How do I know, how does anyone know? Believe me when I say, it is when you're broken...you know, you feel His presence. He leads you out of that valley. Again, you must trust and follow...He knows what you need, He will provide and protect. His love never fails!

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Even in the presence of our enemies, we can still be blessed. Why, because He will always win over the enemy! For me, often the enemy is in my mind. Satan places such foolish thoughts, controlling thoughts in my head, it wears me out physically, emotionally and mentally. The wonderful thing is...He delivers me! He defends and protects me, He will never forsake me...It's all about trust!

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.

This verse confirms His undying love for me. Sinful as we all are, Jesus died and made a way for me, for you, to live with Him forever! Ask yourself this question...would you be willing to let your child die to save the world, your enemies? God has given ALL an opportunity at eternal life.

"I am the good shepherd." The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:11

This Psalm is all about trust. How much do you trust Him?

Calling All Prayer Warriors!

2009-07-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Would you all please stop over MckMama's blog and pray for Stellan.

Things aren't going so well for the little guy and they could really use our prayers.

Thanks & God Bless!

An Adventure

2009-07-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

My last post indicated I was making some changes. I'm so excited I just had to share.

I've made some changes in my diet. We have started a raw/vegetarian/eating some fish diet. I will say, this truly is an adventure. I had no idea what goes into raw or vegetarian cooking. There is definitely some advanced planning involved, especially if you need to soak nuts or grains.

I have been experimenting with a bunch of different creations, and today with the help two of Jennifer Cornbleet's recipe I made the most fabulous lunch. Even my kids liked it, and that's been tough to do.

This dish is a nut Pate, some fresh mango/ginger salsa from last nights dinner wrapped in green leaf lettuce. (recipe below) It was delicious and full of flavor. I will actually be using some of the Pate to make some sushi for lunch tomorrow. Along with some shredded carrot, red cabbage, and avocado, wrapped in a Nori sheet , I've got my sushi. I want you to know...I LOVE sushi! While I might be missing the traditional sushi, I'm looking forward to trying this tomorrow.

I realize this may not sound good to some of you, but trust me when I say...I feel great, and I enjoy the food. I've learned a lot in the last 14 days and I'm still learning. I've quit drinking coffee and I no longer have that 1-2 glasses of wine every night, and no longer take my bio-identical hormones (which weren't working, even after the four different types). I have been sleeping better, I still have those deadly hot flashes, but not nearly as much as when I was on medication. I'm praying that this will be one of those life time changes that will stick. I'm determined to live healthy and feel the benefits...after all I have grandchildren to play with.

Nut Pate

1 cups soaked raw sunflower seeds

1/2 cup soaked raw pumpkin seeds

1/4 cup soaked raw almonds

4 tablespoons water

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1/2 teaspoon crushed garlic

Dash of cayenne pepper

3 tablespoons minced red onion

3 tablespoons minced celery

1/2 cup shredded carrot

1/3 cup sun dried tomatoes

3 teaspoons of a herb of your choice ( I used fresh basil)

about 1/2 teaspoon of extra virgin olive oil ( or to taste)

about 1/4 teaspoon Nama Soy Sauce ( or to taste)

Place the nuts, water, lemon juice, salt, garlic and cayenne in a food processor, stopping occasionally to scrape the sides. Add in the rest of the remaining ingredients and process till desired texture. Place in a bowl and add the olive oil and Nama Soy sauce to taste. This will store in the refrigerator for five days.

*for optimum benefits use organic

This is a big batch, remember I feed a family of five. You may have to cut down the recipe to accommodate your family.

The mango salsa is easy to make. Just mix tomatoes, pepper of your choice, cilantro, sea salt, lemon juice in a food processor. Add mango and fresh grated ginger to taste.

Most importantly...Have fun!

My Boy!

2009-06-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

I want to take a moment and send my oldest son, Justin a belated Happy Birthday! Don't worry I didn't for get to wish him a Happy Birthday...I would never do that. I just didn't have a moment to sit and wish him a Happy Birthday here.

I am so proud of the man my little boy has become. He's gone from the huge temper tantrum child to a warm loving father, a kind, generous man, and a loving son. No more temper tantrums from him. He's now on the receiving end, his son Brayden does a pretty good job.

He's about to finish up schooling as a Respiratory Therapist. I now have someone to talk "medical" with. I'm so very proud of my boy, and love him dearly.

My favorite picture of his family.

Happy Birthday Justin!

I love you,

Mom

50th

2009-06-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

On June 6th my parents celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The children and grandchildren came together to celebrate this joyous occasion. We all had a wonderful time...there's nothing like family. This was a great celebration. We started out with a few cocktails while reminiscing over their marital album. They spoke tenderly of each other, sharing many, many memories. Some I've heard before, others were new. When asked, what she remembered most of her wedding day...my mother responded with, "nothing else existed but your father. He was all I could see and focus on." I think all women experience the same thing. My father spoke of good times and bad...the roads traveled where never alone, he had a partner by his side. What's it all about...LOVE.

June 6, 1959

Marital bliss still today!

Love

Sharing words of wisdom.

For quite some time now, I've been thinking a lot about marriage...it's meaning, it's purpose. My marriage, like many, has been difficult, especially the last few years. No reason to point fingers here, but I will confess...I have often expressed my desire to get out...take the easy road. I have failed to really look at myself and how I actually contribute to my marriage, good or bad. The last few years I have focused on me, me, me. Sad, but painfully true. I became so caught up in the tedious day to day routines, that I lost sight of what really matters. I found myself after 18 years of marriage, truly giving up. And then, out of know where...thoughts about marriage started to surface, things began to make a little more sense. I began to look at my spouse, at us...not just me. I recently found myself sharing those thoughts with two people I love very deeply.

Marriage is not easy.

Marriage in not hard.

Marriage is not about one person being submissive to the other. When we say our vows, we do not stand with one person in front of the other...we stand side by side, partners for life.

Marriage is about commitment.

Marriage is about compromise...when you remove com, marriage is about promise.

Marriage is work. Along with raising children, marriage will be one of the most difficult, challenging jobs we will ever have. There are no college courses to take. Nope, no Marriage 101. Sure there are plenty of books out there, sharing others thought on marriage. You could read those. Some things may work for you, while others may not. But if you want the truth about what marriage is to be like, in my opinion, there is only one book that tells us about what is expected of a husband and wife...the Bible.

Ultimately, marriage is summed up in just one word, LOVE...unconditional, selfless, giving, passionate, undying love.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1John 4:11

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. 1Corinthians 13:13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

I have recently started reading Love Dare. It's a book which uses scripture to challenge one or both in marriage. I won't say exactly when I started. I will say...for me, it's not as easy as I thought and I'm learning a lot about myself, my husband, my marriage and love along the way. Perhaps I'll post my outcome once I've completed the forty days.

Nature, Beauty, Family, Love...Awe

2009-06-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have so many pictures of our camping trip I would love to share with everyone. Unfortunately, I am unable to figure out how to upload a slide show into the post, so I'll share a few of my favorites. Any suggestions?

We had some good moments and some bad moments, but overall...we have memories to last a lifetime. Two of my grandchildren (Abby & Logan) had ear infections, and were miserable off and on. My daughters husband couldn't make the trip, which made it a little tough on her at times. You know how it is when children are sick...they only want their mom or dad, a grandparent just won't do.

The camp site wasn't exactly what we were use to...just to many camp sites. It was so crowded, the lake wasn't quite as close as we would have liked, and people kept stumbling into our site.

What was nice...the family being together...laughing, playing, sharing food, catching up. Some of the areas we hiked where beautiful, as were the sunrises and sunsets.

It was unfortunate my brother and his family couldn't make the trip. His birthday was on the 30th and it would have been great to celebrate together. I did keep him updated through my text messages, but it just wasn't quite the same. His son was finally released from the hospital, I believe on Sunday. Maybe next year.

This trip reminded me of just how blessed I am. I have the most amazing siblings, children and grandchildren. I am rich beyond what I have ever imagined. God is good!

A First

2009-05-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

I am so excited, I just have to share!

Most of you know I have three siblings, five children and three grandchildren. We do not all live in the same State and almost never are together at the same time. All but my younger brother will be getting together for a camping trip this weekend. Unfortunately, one of my nephews ruptured his appendix earlier this week, which is why my brother cannot attend.

I am so thrilled...can you hear me squealing with delight!? My oldest daughter just arrived yesterday after a grueling 18 hour drive. She has traveled the farthest for this family camping trip. Both my grandchildren became ill on her drive. A trip to Urgent Care and antibiotics will hopefully make for a better weekend.

I'm almost embarrassed to say, this is the first camping trip my husband and I, along with are three younger children since Emily was born. We camped quite a bit when the older two were at home. It just seemed like once baby number 4 and 5 came along, we got hit with life...know what I mean?

I woke early this morning, as I do every morning for several reasons. I love my quiet time. Every morning God shares a beautiful sunrise with me, always breathtaking. The birds are up early too. I have a hearing deficit and wear hearing aids, so when all is busy I rarely hear the birds. But, when up early...in the still of the morning...I am blessed with the sound of the birds. After prayer, I catch up on a few blogs...then one by one, the family begins to stir. Another reason for waking so early...so much to do...and did I mention how excited I am. It's like that first day of school. You know the feeling...you just can't sleep, your stomach is full of butterflies, and you've had your outfit picked out for weeks.

Later this afternoon, one by one our families will be arriving at the camp site. Hugs and kisses, and "Oh, my goodness...look how much the children have grown", we will begin to set up camp. Then... off to view the wonders of God's creation. Tonight all of us will no doubt witness a beautiful sunset, be captivated by the moon and stars at night...and again I plan to wake early to a beautiful sunrise. Perhaps I'll share it with one of my grandchildren or with everyone.

I feel so blessed, I am always amazed at how God works wonders in my life. As I stated in the beginning of this post, we rarely are together...only He could have made this happen...I know He has great things to share with all of us. Expect to see some photos in the near future.

Y'all have a blessed weekend.

Remember

2009-05-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

Today so many will be celebrating Memorial Day surrounded by friends and family, enjoying the taste and smells of a barbecue. Sad but true, many families will be remembering a loved one who has served our Country. In the mist of your celebration, you may forget what today is truly about.

Please take the time to remember those who have paid for our Freedom, and those who continue to pay for us today.

God Bless America

HaPpY BiRTdAy AbBy!!!!

2009-05-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my granddaughters 2nd Birthday. She is such a sweetie and has the most beautiful blue eyes...Look out boys!

I love this photo of her...not a care in the world,
just lovin life!

Those beautiful blue eyes!

Yep, she has a sneaky side too!

I love you Abby!!! Happy 2nd Birthday!!

The Mom's

2009-05-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

The three most important mother's in my life:

Jamie is my future daughter-in-law, mother to my grandson, Brayden. She is a beautiful, kind, considerate young lady. She is also a great Mother! When my grandson was in the NICU, she did everything she possible could to give him the best possible start. From pumping, to late night visits, she always put him first...she still does. When I watch the two of them together, you can just see the love between the two of them. I feel sorry for the young girls who want to date my grandson, you're gonna have to answer to his mother...look out! I love you!

Happy Mother's Day Jamie!

This is my oldest daughter Tifiny with my oldest grandson, Logan and my only granddaughter, Abby. Logan is now four, Abby will be two very soon. Believe me when I say they are both quite a handful, but not too much for Tif. It seems like just yesterday I can remember being there when they were born, one of the most memorable experiences a mother can ever wish for. Tif too is a great mother. She is very creative and has this wonderful ability to make learning fun. She's currently in Collage, going to be a teacher...she'll be fantastic. As a daughter, I can't say enough...She was challenging at times, but always so forgiving and loving. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with her, even though she is miles away. We talk often, she is one of my closest friends. I love you Tif.

Happy Mother's Day Tif!!

This is my mother, holding me as a baby...I'm so cute, don't you think?! My mom is the youngest of four. She started working before she was a teen to help her family. Believe me when I say...my mom can do anything...from fixing a bike to mending a skinned knee, or a broken heart...mom was always there. I wasn't the easiest teen to raise, but my mom never gave up. A mother's job never ends...she was there for me after the birth of all five of my children. She made sure I had a clean house, plenty of rest, and a freezer full of meals. She still babysits for me today. Mom...You've been more than I could ask for, I love you!

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

To all the other mom's out there...

Also, remembering those mother's who are no longer with us, and to the many, many mother's who have lost a child...you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

I Forgot

2009-05-09T11:59:00.001-07:00

I just noticed I had a draft waiting to be published, way back in April. My youngest grandson, Brayden celebrated his 1st birthday the day before Easter. His actual birthday fell on Easter this year. So Sorry Brayden!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRAYDEN

In the bouncy place!

Brayden with my son, Justin.

He looks just like my son did as a baby!

Don't you just love that face!

Happy Birthday Brayden....I love you!!!!!

He is Risen

2009-04-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

This has always been a tough and glorious time of year for me. It pains my heart to know that Christ was beaten and crucified for the sins of men...for my sins. I rejoice in knowing that Christ died because of His unconditional love for me...for you.

What I struggle with is, knowing that in my fallen nature I continue to sin. Why? This overwhelming feeling makes me feel unworthy of such a gift. Until I remember the following conversation between Peter and Jesus. 21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22
I am forgiven over and over.

13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colosssians 2:13. Each time I forgive others I'm reminded that Christ forgives me.

Jesus tore the veil...He made a way for me, for you, that we may have eternal life. There is no greater gift than this, none! His blood was shed for many, He was the sacrifice so that we all may live. It is because of Him...all things are possible. We have been saved through His death and resurrection. It is because of Him we have gained access to heaven.

We have been saved by Grace through Faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Keep Praying

2009-04-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

******Update****

Here is a email from my dear friend Ariana....You guys are just awesome!!! Jesus Is Awesome!!!

Hey sweetie! Just want to say thanks again for all of your prayers. I know they are working. The surgeon was able to get all of the cancer out of my lymph nodes and it was a lot. If he had been unable to get it out. He said it would have been a death sentence. But he did get and they are going to hit me very hard with chemo for 6 months followed by radiation. please say thank you to all of your friends for keeping me in there prayers.love ya Ari

Ariana headed into surgery this afternoon at three. She is currently in recovery as I type. Mike, her husband, was told by the surgeon that they were able to remove all the cancer. The next step is chemo and radiation.

They are so grateful for all the prayers and support. I can only imagine how overwhelmed and terrified they must be feeling. Would you all continue to pray tonight and in the future for comfort and healing in this ferocious storm for both Ariana and Mike.

Below are a few updates on face book by her husband.

My dear wife; the battle we are just starting to face; my deep, sincere love for Ariana; I am also thinking of the others who are going through this as well; I want to do everything I can, for the rest of my life to help medicine overtake this disease. I do not want another woman, wife, daughter, mommy, husband, father, or son to have to go through this. Keep the good words and thoughts alive. Michael

Just saw Ariana in the recovery room, she is doing very well; a little sore (who would have thought that..?), but in very good spirits; she sends her love and hellos to everyone, a little hoarse from beng intubated, but is ready for some Chipotle dammit!! Without everyones support today, I would be a bigger mess than I already am; I personally thank each one of you. I am forever indebted to you all. Michael

Ariana & Mike~

I praying for comfort and peace in the arms of Jesus. May our Lord be with you thoughout this process. My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes form Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalms 62:1-2
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. Psalms 62:5 God is so good, he will carry you.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Calling All Prayer Warriors!!!

2009-04-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

Today Ariana, a very dear friend, received some terrifying news. She has invasive breast cancer.

Let me tell you a little about Ariana. She is a wife, a mother to two beautiful girls, a nurse and one heck of a friend. We met about six years ago at work in the NICU. She is the type of person that is always available. You need someone to talk to...she's there. You need a hug or time...she gives. You need prayers...she prays.

Ariana and her husband adopted her daughters from a NICU here. Both girls were born with complications related to substance abuse. There is no doubt they are thriving today because of her unconditional love and patience.

Ariana moved to back home to Denver Colorado, I believe three years ago. We have continued to keep in contact via email and now face book since her move. I could tell by our chat this morning on face book, she's terrified, yet trying to be so brave. She is only 34 years old and her youngest is three. I can't imagine what must be going through her mind.

I am asking you prayer warriors out there to please get on your knees and pray for Ariana. I will keep everyone posted on her progress. Please leave a comment, she will be stopping by...your comments will be of great comfort.

Start praying!

Desperately needed weekend away!

2009-01-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

Last week my husband and I decided to make last minute plans to escape from our world into fantasy land. No, we did not go to Disneyland. Instead, we chose a small Bed and Breakfast Inn located in Cloverdale, California (just outside of Napa).

After quick arrangements with my parents to watch my two boys and two dogs, I made reservations at the Inn. We left mid afternoon Friday, arriving around seven. After receiving a tour of the Inn, we settled in our room in front of the fire with a candle lit picnic for two. We were the only couple there that first night. It was unbelievably quiet. No TV or arguing teens... just us. This was the most relaxing night we have had together in a long time.

The next day we were served a delicious breakfast made by the owner, my mouth waters just thinking about it. Then, wine tasting at recommended wineries. We toured four wineries, tasting about 25 different wines. You must be thinking, 25 wines! Yikes! Don't worry, most places served sips not a full glass. We then stopped for a quick sandwich and headed back to the Inn for a desperately needed nap. Dinner that night was a Thai restaurant recommended by the owners, yummy!

This was a beautiful Inn. The owners have a great eye for detail. Many antiques were throughout the Inn. The rooms are fabulous and beautifully designed, again with careful attention to detail. Our bathroom had a claw tub/shower combo. The shower was a bit small and the curtain had a tendency of sticking to you. No worries, I quickly figured out how to roll the curtain over the tub so the water could pool there. No sticking for me!

I highly recommend a weekend get-a-way for all married couples, regardless of how long you've been married. Our lives have been so caught up in work, raising kids, homeschooling, and other responsibilities, that we lost sight of each other. It was so nice to not have to worry about stuff and focus on one another. Alone time with your spouse helps you to reconnect on a different level...a more private, personal level. This was so refreshing for both of us we are going to try to do something like this at least twice a year.

Hope you enjoy the enclosed photos...eat your heart out!

Vintage Towers Inn

Our room.

Our picnic.

His and Her robes.

The famous shower.

Breakfast (photo from their website)

Resolution 2009

2008-12-31T14:46:00.000-08:00

This has been a long, painful year. This year, I renewed my relationship with God and have been blessed in many ways. So why such a difficult year, because I have not trusted God with ALL things. I've given him a few things, but not everything. I've tried to control so many aspects of my life and have failed miserably.

I've realized that God allowed my suffering to make me realized I simply can't do things all my own. He has a plan for me and I have failed to trust in Him with ALL my life, which leads me to my New Years Resolution:

To trust God with ALL things. I know I'll be challenged (I'm a bit of a control freak), but I'm determined to make this work. Through Him ALL things are possible, it's time to let him take the wheel.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

God's blessings for all of you next year.

Sweet 16

2008-12-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrate my daughter Emily's 16th birthday. I remember the first time I saw her. Her flawless skin, chubby cheeks, tiny little fingers and toes, and beautiful blue eyes...such beauty!

As a toddler she was quite the actress. Never did a day go by without her singing or performing one of the scenes to her favorite Disney movies. I can still see her bouncing and dancing from side to side on my couch singing "Akuna Matata, it means don't worry..." Lion King was one of her favorite movies. She would act out almost the entire movie using furniture and anything around the house as props. She would hang from the kitchen counter like Simba when he was hanging from the tree during the stampede. So funny and precious memories.

As she entered the school age years, she was always friendly and kind towards everyone. With her blond hair and "I only wear dresses!" She was as cute as a button. Many of the teachers just loved her to death. However, just like her mother...we were frequently told that she tends to socialize a little too much during class time. What's a girl to do!? She was still quite the actress. I was so proud when she preformed in a talent show at school in the third grade, singing Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know, by Britney Spears. She has a beautiful voice and did an awesome job!

Now at sixteen, her primary focus is to get her drivers license and a job. Wow, how time flies. She remains quite a little actress with her singing (check her out in my header) and dancing. She has a sense of humor just like her older sister. Her hair is no longer blond...she's searching out her style. She amazingly cuts her own hair and is great with new styles. She has an overwhelming compassion for animals and if she could, would rescue all of them. She still has that flawless skin, no more chubby cheeks and has kept those beautiful blue eyes...I'm still overwhelmed by how beautifully made she is...just breathtaking!

I love you Em!

Mom

Prayers Needed

2008-12-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

This is Josi, I posted about her on my "Not me! Monday post. Josi was soon to be the newest member of the Azhderian family. Families like the Riggs, Azhderian, and Jill are a few of many in the blogging community who adopt children from foster homes and orphanages all around the Country. They are amazing.

Carla and her husband were awaiting the arrival of Josi, which would bring their children to a total of six. The adoption had been finalized and she was to join their family in just three short weeks. They had hopes she would be with them at Christmas.

Last Friday she received a call no parent should ever receive. There was a home invasion of the foster home where Josi lived. The entire family was murdered. This included the foster mother, her sister, her husband, their two young children and Josi. The Azhderian family still owes approximately $13,000.00 for her adoption.

I'm asking that all of you please pray for this family. If you could find it in your heart, and want to do something for this precious family, there is a way you could help. They have a chip in button on their blog were you can donate any amount towards the remaining balance for Josi's adoption.

Please join me in prayer.

Hallmark

2008-12-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

I love Hallmark Ornaments! Okay, I'll be honest, I'm obsessed with Hallmark Ornaments. This year there are so many I'm in love with. Let me explain why I'm so hooked.

Let me first tell you about a post written by Angie several months ago entitled, Blink. It's a beautiful post, be sure to check it out. In her post she explained that moments she treasures she tends to see as photographs. It could be any moment you want to capture, just "Blink," a picture taken and forever held in your memory.

That's exactly what I do with my ornaments. Every year I carefully select one, two, three or...(you get the picture) that reminds me of things that has happened throughout the year or past. My ornaments are my photographs, forever held in my memory and my heart.

This year I could easily purchase 10-12 ornaments. Unfortunately, that is not in my budget this year. I did get a few that hold very special memories for me. All purchased at Hooked on Hallmark. What a great site, you can even get ornaments from years past.

Where the Wild Things Are

Purchased two of these, one for me and one for my Grandson, Logan. All of my children and grandchildren loved when I read this story to them. It is a great book and brings back cherished memories.

Very Hungry Caterpillar

This one I just couldn't pass up, another favorite story. I love reading this story to the grandchildren. This one is for my granddaughter, Abby. Trust me when I say she is one very hungry caterpillar.

Wish List

I can still see all five of my children riding their trike for the first time. Sweet memories!

Again, cherished memories of all of my children playing with this toy. It actually makes a "moo" sound when you open the barn doors.

I love The Wizard of Oz. I remember watching it with each of my children. Can still picture their faces the first time they watched the movie. Push on a button and the guy behind the door says,"Who rang that bell?"

The Polar Express, one of my favorite movies this time of year. This is an ornament from the past. Not available at this time, but I'll keep checking.

Every year I try to purchase an ornament for my children, a reminder of that year. When they marry they will get all their ornaments. My oldest already has hers. I'm now doing the same for my grandchildren. What traditions do you have for this time of year?

You're Not Going To Believe This...

2008-11-29T19:39:00.000-08:00

Yep, AnOtHeR birthday

Today is my son Alex's 14th birthday. It's official, I now have two teenagers in the house...Yikes! As you can see, Alex has a great smile. He gets his good looks from me :) He has a great sense of humor and a strong compassion for animals.

He knows how important it is for mom to have her coffee and rarely forgets to make it for me in the morning or afternoon, depending on if I've worked or not. He can make some killer cookies and some other great dishes. He really enjoys getting creative in the kitchen. I think we're looking at another great chef here...I'll keep you posted.

He is really growing into an amazing young man.

I love you Alex!

Happy Birthday!!

Another Birthday

2008-11-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

Today is my sister's birthday.

I just wanted to take a moment to wish her a very special

Happy Birthday!

She is not only a sister, she is one of my dearest friends.

She has been there for me on more than one occasion, always with a tender heart.

I'm hoping she has had a wonderful day.

Happy Birthday Sis!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOGAN!!!!

2008-11-27T17:15:00.000-08:00

Hey big guy, today is your special day!

How old are you now?

4...oh my, what a big boy!

Logan, I sure miss you and wish we could spend your birthday with you.

Did you get a lot of presents?

Which one is your favorite?

Don't forget to make a wish when you blow out your candles.

Happy Birthday Big Guy!!

Grandma loves you and misses you very much!

Just a few more of my favorite pictures.

Mmuwahhh!

Give a hug and kiss to mommy, daddy and Abby for me.

Give Thanks

2008-11-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

In preparation for Thanksgiving tomorrow I thought it was important to remember and thank our Heavenly Father for all the blessings I have received.

I am thankful for two of the most loving, compassionate, giving parents. They have loved me through my joys, pains, rebellion, and have supported me in all that I do.

I am thankful for the most amazing siblings, their spouses and my niece and nephews. They bring peace, comfort and joy to my life.

I am thankful for the man God has placed into my life, my husband.

He has blessed me with five beautiful, healthy children. All make me a better person.

He has blessed me with three beautiful, healthy grandchildren.

I am thankful for the job He has provide for both myself and my husband. He has made sure we have never been without.

I am thankful for the beautiful home God has provided for my family.

I am thankful for the many friends I have made through work, in my neighborhood, and blogging. They are the most amazing people... so loving, accepting and supportive.

I am thankful for my church family.

I am thankful for the sunrises, sunsets, and all the beauty in nature.

I am thankful He hears and answers my prayers.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for the food God provides to nourish my body.

I am thankful for His word which nourishes my heart, mind, and soul.

I am thankful that I am free to worship Him.

May you all be as richly blessed tomorrow as we celebrate Thanksgiving.

I'd love to hear what you are all thankful for.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalms 106:1

Honestly

2008-11-24T16:19:00.000-08:00

For quite sometime I have been looking forward to posting on this day. Unfortunately, today I've had mixed emotions. My husband and I have been married for 17 1/2 years. We've experienced the "good" times and "bad". Recently we've experienced "bad" times. You see, I've been very angry and bitter today. In my pouting God has spoken to me.

In my anger and frustration it's so easy for me to fall into the "human" trap of being spiteful, thinking I'll somehow get my point across. Today, God reminded me that while it's okay to be angry, it's not okay to be hurtful or spiteful. He gently reminded me that it's not always about me, leading me to the following bible verses:

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
-John 13:34-35

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
-Romans 12:10

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
-Ephesians 4:2-3

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."
-Romans 13:7-9

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.
-1Peter 3:8

Honestly, I have been humbled by the above. Leaving all anger and bitterness aside, I want to say a few words about my husband. Today's his birthday and God has reminded me of the precious gift he has given me...my husband.

Here are just a few of the amazing qualities of Kevin:

-He has helped me raise two children from a previous marriage and loves them as his own.

-He has financially and emotionally supported me through nursing school.

-He has blessed me with three of our own beautiful children.

-He works very hard to provide for our family and has often worked jobs he has hated just to provide.

-He has never complained about some of the terrible meals I have prepared, just thanked me for preparing them.

- I never ever have to worry when things fall apart, for he always figures out how to fix what ever needs fixing.

- He has a mind like a sponge and when the kids need help with school work, he can recall anything from History to Home Economics.

-He lets me get all the animals I want.

-He has wiped away many tears from the women in his home.

-He always protects us, even when he's away.

-He never reminds me of how many car accidents I've had.

-He will watch chick flicks with me.

-He can spell like Websters.

-He has loved me through my hormonal changes.

-No matter how old he may be, he'll always be sexy to me.

Sorry for being so snotty today :(

Happy Birthday Kevin!

Suffering...Part 2

2008-11-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

It' no secret, I'm praying for Abby Riggs. A few days ago I was checking in on how Abby was doing and read something startling and amazing. It got me thinking about another suffering post...I couldn't say things any better. Please take the time to read what Brent wrote, it is truly inspiring.

*********************************************************************************

11/6/2008
The Opportunity of Hard Times

A person visited our blog and left a comment :

"A sick child is not your personal opportunity to use them to learn about your God!"

I won't bother talking about the fact that this person has little, if any, understand about God ("your God"?) since the downside to that is already obvious. There's so much wrong and disturbing with the comment, it's hard to know where to start talking about it, and I hesitated even writing about it at all. But in the end, it represents a good opportunity to teach, and that's what I do.

We didn't ask for her to be sick SO we could learn about God.

The readers' comment makes it sound as if we opportunistically wanted Abby to get sick so we could use her as an object lesson. At best, it sounds as if we are opportunistically using her sickness for own benefit now. Either consideration is beyond both cruel and devoid of discernment.

I choose to believe that the writer didn't mean it that way but it leaves us with a clear lesson:

Lesson 1: When people are experiencing intense situations, be EXTRA careful with opinions and declarative statements. They will be hard to interpret and often will come across as uncaring and clueless even if you didn't mean them to sound that way.

Lesson 2: Email and blogs allow us to say things we normally wouldn't say if we were staring them in the face (false bravery or assertiveness). Always ask yourself "would I say this directly to them?" But you have to answer that HONESTLY.

By using ALL situations to learn, we help others, and help ourselves.

It is not only wise of Christians, but of ALL people, to use every situation to learn, grow and help others. Whether it is a joyful, sensational blessing or a crushing trial, the mature person inherently looks for what can be learned from the experience, and how that knowledge can be passed on to family, friends and observers. The "good" in suffering is lost when it is not used to learn more about life, learn more about God and learn more about yourself. To secret away those experiences and lessons learned are to rob other people of something that could help them too.

Lesson 3: A circumstance that is not learned from, is a circumstance partially endured in vain and wasted.

Lesson 4: A lesson learned not passed on to others is first of all selfish, and secondly, degrades the value of lesson learned directly by those involved.

We insult both God and the suffering when we do not honor their suffering by examining our own lives and using what we learn and experience to help others.

We all suffer. It is a fact of life. Whether health issues, financial, relationships or "acts of God", we all suffer. It's not a question of "if" but "when" and "how often". When we suffer, or someone near to us suffers, that suffering is made vain when we do not make an effort to learn from it, make an effort to grow from it, make an effort to become better people because of it and make an effort to see how that situation can be used to minister and bless others.

It has been the WORSE situations in my life that have given me the tools and experience to really help people. It is through suffering, loss, tragedy and crisis that spiritually mature people learn the great lessons of life, develop compassion for others and gain an eternal perspective.

What and insult to Abby for us to hole up and lament her illness and keep to ourselves what we learn about God as we struggle through this storm. What an insult to God to be silent about what He is teaching us and fail to proclaim publicly all the ways His hand can be seen through what is happening.

Lesson 5: our trials and suffering have meaning and purpose when we learn more about God, then teach what we've learned to others, and allow those lessons to transform us (more compassionate, more trusting, more caring, etc.)

Every Circumstance GOOD or BAD should be an opportunity to discover God.

What is life if it is not growing, learning and discovering more about God? Nobody WANTS to suffer but it's unavoidable. How much of the "gold" of life is left unmined when we fail to see EVERY circumstance as a chance to learn and serve?

Without doubt, there are times when people exploit suffering and tragedy. So there is a fine line of discernment, integrity and purpose between communicating for God's glory and genuine personal growth… or communicating for selfish personal benefit or attention.

Lesson 6: every circumstance should be an opportunity to discover God, and then share that discovery for the blessing it can be to others.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Far from being opportunistic, or "using" Abby's situation for attention, we want her suffering to be honored by allowing it to draw others to God, teaching them to depend on Him by seeing His hand at work in her life. We want people to grow, have more faith, and have hope in THEIR difficult situation by reading about the hope we have in ours.

Of course Abby is not old enough to articulate it, but do you really think she would say "no Daddy… don't talk about me to others. I don't want them to be helped in any way because of what I'm going through." Please…

Suffering is a fact. It's how we suffer, what we learn from suffering, and then how we bless others through our suffering that is the real choice between "hopeless, useless suffering" and turning suffering into an "opportunity of life".

Below is a list I wrote a few years ago with some of the reasons of how tough times become times of blessing. If you read this and think that using suffering as an opportunity for growth is still "opportunistic" then I am deeply sorrowful that your suffering will be without hope because of your empty view of it. For the rest of you, I hope you'll print this list, and refer to it when your own times of trouble come. It is a great source of comfort and blessing:

1. To produce the fruit of patience Rom. 5:3; James 1:3-4; Heb. 10:36

o Through adversity Christians learn the blessing of long-suffering and delayed gratification.

2. To produce the fruit of joy Ps. 30:5; 126:5-6

o It is easy to be joyful when times are good but you have authentic rejoicing when you experience it through suffering.

3. To produce the fruit of maturity Eccles. 7:3; 1 Pet. 5:10

o Through affliction we discover the true reality of living in a sin cursed world. When we endure suffering with the attitude of Jesus Christ we are perfected, established and strengthened.

4. To produce the fruit of righteousness Heb. 12:11

o Adversity, when responded to according to God's word, will train us to be righteous and holy.

5. To silence the devil Job 1:9, 10, 20-22

o God permits suffering and when we respond to it in a Christlike manner the accusations of Satan against us will be in vain.

6. To teach us Ps. 119:67, 71

o The more we suffer the more God's word becomes real to us and the less we will stray from obeying the Lord. It then becomes a good thing that we have suffered because it has resulted in increased Godliness.

7. To purify our lives Job 23:10; Ps. 66:10-12; Isa. 1:25; 48:10; Prov. 17:3; 1 Pet. 1:7

o God tests, strengthens and purifies us through affliction. Our faith is much more precious than anything the world can offer and like pure gold it is refined in the fires of suffering.

8. To make us like Christ Heb. 12:9, 10; 1 Pet. 4:12-13; Phil. 3:10; 2 Cor. 4:7-10

o As we suffer, we come to understand and better relate to the suffering that Jesus endured on our behalf. Through persecution and affliction we are conformed into the image of Christ manifesting through our bodies a living example of Christ's sacrifice for us.

9. To glorify God Ps. 50:15; John 9:1-3; 11:1-4; 21:18-19; Phil. 1:19-20

o Every time we respond to suffering with a Godly attitude, we bring glory to God in such an unselfish manner that it directs attention solely to God, and not to us.

10. To prevent us from sinning 2 Cor. 12:7, 9-10

o God may permit us to suffer in order to keep us humble and to keep us from the sin of self-exaltation.

11. To make us confess when we do sin Judg. 10:6-7, 15-16; Ps. 32:3-5; Hos. 5:15; 6:1; 2 Chron. 15:3-4

o There will be times when God uses suffering to force us to confront our sin and confess it. Enduring the effects of a sin cursed world heightens our awareness of sin and deepens our understanding of just how truly awful sin really is.

12. To chasten us for our sin 1 Pet. 4:17

o Suffering may often times be a direct result of our own personal sin and God may be chastising us for it. Adversity motivates us to carefully examine our lives for holiness and devotion.

13. To prove our sonship Heb. 12:5-6

o Adversity is like an identification badge for the Christian. Scripture clearly says, "that whom the Lord loves He chastens". So any time that you suffer you can be sure of two things: that you belong to the Lord, and that He loves you.

14. To reveal ourselves to ourselves Job 42:6; Luke 15:18

o When the pressure is on you can be sure that what is deep down inside of a person will come boiling to the top. When you squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. There is no way to fake what you are truly all about when you are under great stress or enduring significant adversity. You can be sure that what you are genuinely made of will surface not only for you to see but also for everyone around you to see.

15. To help our prayer life Isa. 26:16

o There is no doubt that affliction helps our prayer life. For most people greater suffering equals greater prayer.

16. To become an example to others 2 Cor. 6:4-5; 1 Thess. 1:6-7

o When we respond to adversity in a Godly manner it provides a living example for all those who observe us.

17. To qualify us as counselors Rom. 12:15; Gal. 6:2; 2 Cor. 1:3-5

o There is nothing like real-life experience to qualify you as a teacher. It is an academic exercise at best to proclaim truths that you have not lived and experienced.

18. To further the gospel witness Acts 8:1-5; 16:25-34; Phil. 1:12-13; 2 Tim. 4:6-8, 16-17

o By enduring suffering with a Godly attitude we participate in validating the power of the Gospel. When another person sees you rejoicing in the midst of affliction they can't help but wonder where you derive the power for such a response.

19. To make us more than conquerors 2 Cor. 2:14; Rom. 8:35, 37

o As God proves faithful to see us through adversity we become more and more confident about the things of God. We become increasingly victorious over sin and "more than conquerors".

20. To give us insight into God's nature Job 42:5; Rom. 8:14-15, 18

o Through suffering we know more about God and His purposes. We better understand His attributes, His nature and His sovereignty.

21. To drive us closer to God 1 Pet. 4:14; 2 Cor. 12:10

o Whether we have actively strayed from God or are just in the sanctifying process of growing closer to him, suffering is an important means to push us and turn us towards God.

22. To prepare us for a greater ministry 1 Kings 17-18; John 12:24

o Like the potter's clay that is worked and reworked, or the lump of dough that is kneaded until soft and blended, affliction breaks us down, makes us soft and prepares us to be used by the Lord.

23. To provide for us a reward Matt. 5:10-12; 19:27-29; Rom. 8:16-17; 2 Cor. 4:17

o It is a wondrous truth that God permits us to suffer for His glory and yet it turns out to be an incredible blessing for us, not only in this lifetime, but also through the eternal reward we will receive in Heaven.

24. To prepare us for the kingdom 2 Thess. 1:5; 2 Tim. 2:12

o Suffering prepares us for our eternal life with God. It conditions us, trains us and equips us to reign with Christ forever and ever.

25. To show God's sovereignty Rom. 8:28; 1 Cor. 10:13; Ps. 66:10-12; Gen. 45:5-8; 50:20

o The suffering Christian is a tangible demonstration of God's sovereignty, who in His infinite wisdom can take all things (good and bad) and work them together for His ultimate glory and eternal purpose.

~ Brent
http://www.brentriggs.com/?ItemID=306

I just want to add a comment. It is our responsibility as Christians to share the blessings we have received by God in both our joy and suffering with others. I think it is important to respect and not judge each other for how or if we believe in God. I pray daily for friends, family, and people I have never met. I have seen and received the blessings from prayer. When I stopped praying, I was bitter, angry, resentful, and blamed others for the suffering in my life. During both my joys and suffering, when praying, I have been blessed.

Birthday Girl

2008-11-02T15:52:00.002-08:00

Today is another special day, it's Tifiny's birthday! Who's Tifiny...she's my first born. I remember that day so clearly. I was full of the typical first time mom emotions...scared, excited, mostly...how bad is this going to hurt?

Of course, she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Everything was so perfect. I was blessed with such a good baby. She would nurse, stare at you a bit, poop, and sleep. Around six months she became attached to one of my thermal shirts (blankie). She would suck her thumb and rub the sleeve on her face. She lost the blankie when she was about a year old...oh, the tears. My faithful brother came to the rescue with a bear. She loved that bear. She would hold it sucking her thumb and rub the ear. What a precious sight.

Her first day of preschool was more emotional for me than for her, next thing I know...she is graduating high school. She makes friends easily, as she has the most bubbly personality...you can't help but fall in love with her. Her smile just brightens up a room, her big brown eyes, so full of life. She has the greatest sense of humor, she just cracks me up sometimes.

She is the greatest big sister. Not only has she diapered her siblings, she has given heartfelt advice as well. She is loved dearly by all her brothers and sister.

She is now married with two children of her own. Our relationship is so different now that she is a mother, she is a great mom. Every now and then I still see her with her bear...a precious memory.

She is a fabulous baker and great at scrapbooking. My grandchildren just love baking cookies, cakes and pies with her. This is a challenge she has mastered as my grandson is allergic to eggs. Cooking on the other hand, well...lets just say...when we visit for Thanksgiving this year, I'll make sure the gizzards aren't left in the turkey. :)

Tifiny, you have been a great joy in my life. A daughter and a friend what more could a mother ask for. Want to learn more about her, check out her blog. Be sure to check out my grandchildren's Halloween photos.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart! I love you!

A Precious Life

2008-10-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

~~~Update~~~
To read more about this special day go to Meghan and Carrie's blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is the anniversary of Ricky's death. His foster mom, Meghan is here with her family. Truthfully, she was the only mother he ever knew. Yesterday at the hospital we had a dedication ceremony of the memorial bench placed outside the hospital a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I brought my camera, but forgot the batteries. I'll post some pictures later when I get some from Meghan.

It was a beautiful ceremony. Many nurses, respiratory therapist, Meghan's family and close friends were in attendance. Prayers and memories spoken were touching. Many, many tears were shed. As a final tribute we all set of balloons in his honor. Watching them float away, I wondered...could they reach heaven?

This precious little boy touched the hearts of all of us in the NICU, as well of hundreds of people through his website. For all in the NICU Ricky wasn't just your ordinary patient. He spent seven months in our unit, and we grew to love him as one of our own. If you weren't is primary nurse for the day or night, you always stopped by his crib to see his beautiful brown eyes and his toothless grin. We all sang to him, read him stories, and some even watched cartoons with him in the morning. Both day and night someone often rock him to sleep.

The doctors were soon running out of reasons for him to stay, which meant...foster care. Meghan, bless her heart, quickly got approved for her foster care license, and Ricky had a new home. She kept us all informed of his progress via his website and frequent phone calls. He was often admitted back in the hospital with complications. When he was in pediatrics at our hospital we all would visit.

His numerous medical complications began to take its toll on the little guy, ultimately causing his death. What a brave little solider he was. So much suffering for such a little baby.

Anticipating the dedication ceremony, I was consumed with my thoughts. God gives life and he brings it back to Him. What troubled me is understanding "why" He takes the life of an infant, or child loved by so many. I don't understand "why," Ricky, this precious little baby, had to endure so much suffering. Perhaps God couldn't stand to see Ricky suffer, or any other suffer, so He brings them home. After all, isn't our eternal life with God what we yearn for? Freedom from all our pain and suffering here on earth...a life of nothing but pure glory with our Heavenly Father.

Being a NICU nurse I still struggle with understanding the death of a baby. The pain and agony the family goes through just breaks my heart. The one thing that brings me peace is knowing and believing that they are now able to live an eternity with God.

I've realized how precious our life here on earth is, no matter how short. God breathed life into all of us for His purpose. Ricky's purpose in life, touched each and everyone of us differently. Ultimately, we are all truly blessed to have known him. I wonder if he knows how much he touched our lives.

Waking up from a nap.

Seriously people, another test?!

Cutie!

Happy Birthday!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalms 23:4-6

Happy Birthday!

2008-10-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

I want to wish my son-in-law a Happy Birthday!

Hope you have a great day!

Say What You Need To Say!

2008-10-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

After viewing a video today and reading the following scripture:
The tongue that brings healing is the tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

I realized what we say to others is so important. So without further delay, I've something to say.

To my husband

I respect and admire all that you are and do for us.

You're my knight in shinning armor.

I trust you.

I believe in you.

I need you.

You inspire me.

You make my dreams come true.

I love you.

You're my hero.

You are my Prince Charming.

To my sons

You can do anything.

You're so brave.

You make me smile.

You brighten my day.

You're amazing.

I believe in you.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my daughters

You're beautiful.

You're precious.

You're amazing.

You've forever touched my heart.

You brighten my day.

I believe in you.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my parents

Thank you for your unconditional love.

Thank you for your inspiration.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Thank you for your guidance.

You're amazing.

Thank you for loving me in spite of my weakness.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my siblings

Thank you for your love and support.

You've listened with an non judgemental heart.

You're amazing.

You mean the world to me.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my friends

Thank your for your shoulders to cry on.

Your hugs mean so much.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for your laughter.

Thank you for your support.

You give me hope.

You've changed my world.

You're amazing.

I love you.

To those I have never met

Jesus loves you.

To all of you

Thank you!

Click here to view the video.

Go on...

Say what you need to say to those you love!

Sweet Ricky- A Brave Little Man

2008-10-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ricky's bench finally found its home in front of the Hospital. I hadn't actually seen the bench, as it was put in place last week while I was off. Last night was my first night back to work. I must admit, I was a little choked up driving to work anticipating how I would feel upon my first glance of the bench. It's beautiful, what a tribute to our little guy. Yep, I cried. Tears of joy and tears of saddness.

This little guy meant so much to many of us in the NICU. His eyes and smile just warmed your heart. His suffering on earth, broke your heart. I am saddened by his loss, for I miss him so. I am joyful, there is no more pain for this precious little boy. I can imagine his eyes wide with amazement as he witnesses the glory of Heaven. No more peaking through the bars of a hospital bed.

My dear friend Meghan was his foster mom. She gave this little guy so much love and shared so much of the beauty in this world with him during his short time here. As a mother, she also shared his pain, as well as the pain a mother feels when she loses a child. She created a beautiful website which records her journey with him. His life impacted many people, his legacy continues.

We love you little guy!

Oh The Weather Outside Is...

2008-10-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Snowing!!!

Yep, it's 29 degrees here and we're experiencing our first snow.

It's expected to snow through Saturday.

Truthfully, I love it!

Well, as long as I don't have to drive anywhere.

Click on the pictures below and you'll see the snow falling.

Time for:

Scarves

Hats

Gloves

Homemade soup

My favorite :)

Snuggling by the fire

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

HaPPy BiRtHdaY MaMa!

2008-10-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom's birthday. My mom has been the source of my strength throughout my life. She has taught me how to be the best mom I can be with her patience, guidance, understanding, love, encouragement, compassion and giving nature. Mom-you're the best!

A Mother's Love

Helen Steiner Rice

A Mother's love is something

that no one can explain,

It is made of deep devotion

and of sacrifice and pain...

It is endless and unselfish

and enduring come what may

For nothing can destroy it

or take that love away...

It is patient and forgiving

when all others are forsaking,

And it never fails or falters

even though the heart is breaking...

It believes beyond believing

when the world around condemns,

And it glows with all the beauty

of the rarest, brightest gems...

It is far beyond defining,

it defies all explanation,

And it still remains a secret

like the mysteries of creation...

A many splendoured miracle

man cannot understand

And another wondrous evidence of

God's tender guiding hand.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I Love You!

Fall

2008-10-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

Danielle has created another amazing blog for me. I love it!!! Thanks Danielle !! If any of you are interested in a blog makeover, she is running another special. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, up till October 7th, part of her proceeds will be donated to The Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Fall is my favorite season. To me it signifies the beginning preparation of a new. I am fascinated by what God does during this season, it's breathtaking.

What I love about fall:

The warmth of color

Red

Orange

Yellow

Brown

Crisp morning air

Smell of rain

Evening by the fire

Smell of homemade soup

Smell of homemade bread

Apple cider

Clouds

Sunrises

Sunsets

Scarfs

Seeing my breath

Knowing all will made new again

Rest in the beauty of it all!

Suffering...Part 1

2008-10-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, the sermon topic was on suffering. There isn't one of us who hasn't endured some form of suffering. A question often weighs heavily on my mind during my times of suffering, as well as when I witness the suffering of others…

Why does God allow His children to suffer?

A tragic accident, a random act of violence, a brutal rape or murder, a kidnapping, a broken heart, a broken marriage or relationship, hunger, poverty, homelessness, loss of job, depression, terrorism, war, a stillborn baby, death of an infant, child or loved one before what we feel is his/her time, sickness, those who are disabled or severely handicapped, drug addiction, child/spouse abuse… the list goes on and on…

The question, always the same…Why?

In some suffering the reason is obvious, sin. However; some suffering is sometimes difficult to understand His purpose.

One thing I do know and believe with all my heart is that God is with me during my suffering and He certainly has never caused my suffering. I also believe He allows suffering to exist. Why, I wish I had all the answers, only God does and He will reveal it to each and everyone of us in His time.

I want to share a little of what I've learned about suffering as I have prayed and relentlessly searched His word for answers. You will notice this is Part 1, of how many…I don’t know, this is one search I believe is constant.

There was once a time in my life where I blamed God for my suffering. I just didn't understand how this all powerful being couldn't or doesn't stop/end suffering. I honestly believed he was punishing me. I blamed God for my pain and suffering, walking away from him for over 8 years. What I realize today is I should have clung to Him in my suffering as I do now. I still struggle with understanding why, searching for answers.

Think about Job, his life was a true riches-to-rags-to-riches story. He was abundantly blessed by God and always praised Him for his blessings. Satan told God that it was easy for Job to praise Him with all his blessings, take away what he has and he will surely turn away from you. God knew that Job was a faithful servant and allowed Satan to take everything from him. He lost his wealth, children, and was inflicted with terrible sores. Job never turned away form God, and in the end he was again richly blessed by God. Throughout his suffering he too asked why. He never received an answer during his life on earth, but had faith that God would never forsake him. I’m sure the answer was revealed to him when he entered heaven.

How easy it is to remember God when we are blessed, but in suffering we forget our blessings or turn away from Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

All things; both good and bad, God has a purpose for in our lives...His purpose. How many times do we learn the value of something: health, money, relationships, a loved one, by losing them. Some suffering may be Gods way of refining and improving our character. Some suffering could be His way of shielding us from harm. Jesus said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26 All things, a key word here, this includes both our joy and suffering. We cannot do anything on our own, but with God…He makes all things beautiful again in His time. It is important to understand, it is in His time, not ours. We may not find an answer till we meet with Him in heaven.

“My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2Corinthians 12:9

Our human weakness is the perfect opportunity to display the divine power of God. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Closing thoughts:

I believe God doesn't care as much about our physical body, our soul is of much more importance to Him. It's our souls that will live with Him forever.

God doesn't design our suffering to make you fall flat: but, He does hope you’ll be brought to your knees. (Bruce and Stan)

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

In You, where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest
Oh the weary find rest in You
-MercyMe

His light will always shine through!

To be continued...

SuRpRiSE!

2008-09-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday, September 20th was my Dad's birthday. My Mom decided to throw him a surprise birthday party. You can see he had no idea.

Surprise!

Almost preformed CPR

Presents

Make a wish!

The Wonder Years

Husband & Wife

Family

Memories

Grandchildren

Grandkids!?

Youngest grandson

"I almost had a heart attack!"

My Husband and Brother

Father/Youngest Son

Father/Daughter

Happy Birthday Dad!

Love you

A First

2008-09-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have just been nominated by Danielle for my very first blog award. I am truly humbled by this nomination. Many of you know Danielle from Blogs by Danielle. I'm sure I've mentioned that we have become great friends. We have stayed in touch and often talk on Gchat. She is the most amazing designer, and person. She has an remarkable love for animals and has rescued many. Her devotion to her sisters is phenomenal. She has a birthday coming up on September 17. Be sure to stop by and wish her a Happy Birthday. What more can I say about her...She is simply,
Just Fabulous. Thanks Danielle!

These are the rules for The Smile Award...

1. The recipient must link back the the award's creator.

2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.

3. You must chose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself.

4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award, as posted by Mere.

5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.

6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.

7. You must thank your giver.

Characteristics for the Smile Award...

1. Must display a cheerful attitude.

2. Must love one another.

3. Must make mistakes.

4. Must learn from others.

5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world.

6. Must love life.

7. Must love kids.

The creator of this great award is http://thebabblingsofmere.blogspot.com/

Now for the tough part nominating only five people for this award. You know me...rule follower.

1) Meghan at Nothing Missing; Nothing Broken. Meghan is one of my closest and dearest friends. We first met at work seven years ago. She has since moved and we often are in touch. Meghan encouraged me to start blogging, I must admit...I really enjoy it. She is the most amazing person and mother. Her love for God and others is inspiring. Her love for children, breathtaking. She first took on the role of Motherhood to Ricky, a baby born in our unit. She was so devoted to him and endured both heartaches and blessings in his passing. Meghan speaks of how blessed she was to have had Ricky in her life on his website. She is now the mother to Ella. She is so adorable. If you check out her blog, you will see Ella's smile everywhere.

2) Angie at Bring the Rain, is an inspiration to me on so many different levels. Her trust and faith in God is amazing. She has truly inspired me to rebuild my relationship with Christ, I can't thank her enough. She will be starting a Bible study at will be keeping us posted at Broken Pitcher Ministries. She has the most adorable girls, I encourage you to check out her blog...so many happy faces. She is an incredible mother. Her love for her children, as well as children of friends and family is evident throughout her blog. She has just started a new adventure, homeschooling her girls. When you read about it, you can't help but smile.

3) Courtney at C Jane Enjoy It. If you have read my previous post about the Nielson's, you'll know that she is Stephanie's sister. Courtney is an incredible woman and mother. While keeping the blog community updated on her sisters condition and raising her son, she is caring for three of Stephanie's children. It's fun to read about the new adventures she shares with a home full of children. The love and devotion she has towards her family is truly inspiring.

4) Amanda at Live, Laugh and Love. I've recently met Amanda while visiting with my oldest daughter. She too has a loving heart. You can read about her love for her children on her blog. Although her girls were only with her for a short while, her heart longs for and loves them dearly. Her son Cameron is a cutie. Want a glimpse of his smile, check out her blog.

5) Last but not least, Stephanie at Love for Nie As I have said in my previous post Stephanie is an inspiring mother. I realize she is unable to nominate others for this award, but I couldn't pass her up. I'm just bending the rules a bit. Please continue to keep her, Christian and her family in your prayers.

The Nielson's

2008-09-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Although I have never met the Nielson's, I know them well through the blog community. A few months ago I stumbled upon Stephanie's (aka Nie Nie) blog. Like myself, she began blogging to keep friends and family informed of happenings in her life and as a journal.

I feel fortunate to have met her through her blog. She is an amazing person, and an inspiring mother. I only wish twenty-six years ago when I first became a mother blogging existed, I could have used some of her ideas and insights. One of my favorite post is her back to school feast (August 12,2008). She prepared a feast for her two daughters, to celebrate the start of a new school year. She served an amazing meal on a table dressed with the finest linen, finest China, fresh flowers and ribbon. Most importantly, she made special crowns in honor of her daughters. Touched my heart.

For over a week now I have been in bed with body aches, a sore throat, fever...just feeling blah. I hadn't check out my "frequently visited" blogs until yesterday. Suddenly, my aches and pains were the size of a grain of sand.

Saturday, August 16, 2008 while returning home to Mesa, Arizona from New Mexico, Stephanie and Christian were in a plane crash. A third person, Doug Kinnear died in the crash. Both Stephanie and Christian are in critical condition in a hospital in Arizona. Christian is burned over 30 percent of his body, has been recently re-intubated (placed on a ventilator) due to a lung infection. Stephanie is burned over 80 percent of her body and has already undergone two skin graphs and is also on a ventilator. All four of their children are being cared for by family.

The blog community has done some amazing things. Several bloggers are holding auctions to raise money for the Nielson's. People from all over the Country are making donations, cash or items for these auctions. Some of you may have seen the interview on Today Show with the family. If not see it here. Stephanie's sister Courtney and a friend keep the blog community posted on their conditions here and here.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday trials, and tribulations that we forget there is a world of people out there going through similar and more devastating circumstances. Many of us cast our cares and the cares of our friends and family upon Jesus. What about those we have never met? I believe in the power of prayer. I have felt the power of prayer, from family, friends, and those I have never met. Please pray for this family. Pray for the strength and courage to endure the next painful, several months of recovery. Pray that the hold fast to their belief and promise that He will be with them always.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in all humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others. Philippians 2:3-4

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Hillsong Concert

2008-09-04T09:12:00.001-07:00

About a month ago, through their website I noticed that Hillsong United would be playing in a city not far from me. Once the tickets became available I made arrangements to get the night off from work for the concert. Unfortunately, I procrastinated in purchasing the tickets. When I came home from my visit with my oldest daughter, tickets were already sold out. I was so disappointed and angry with myself. Determined to purchase some tickets I contacted several Christan radio stations, no luck.

Last week, on the last night I worked I put myself back on the schedule. The next day when I woke I was surprised by an email indicating that there were some tickets available to purchase. I was told to contact them immediately for tickets. This time I did not delay. I could only purchase 2-3 tickets. I made sure I could get the night off and purchased 2 tickets, for myself and my youngest daughter. We hadn't been getting along well lately, typical teenage daughter/mother battles. I was hoping this would help build the bridge between the two of us.

We decided to leave on Labor Day to stay at my parents, a half way point. Bad idea! We left at 2pm, a drive that should have taken about two hours took four. We laugh about it now, but at the time it was very frustrating. The next day we left for another long drive to the hotel we would be staying, another 2hours and 15minutes. I'm not real fond of long drives.

The website indicated the concert would start at 6pm, we arrived at the Church where the concert would be at 4pm, picked up our tickets at will call, then headed for the line that had already formed. Oh, we were told the concert would start at 7pm. There were already about 100-200 people in line ahead of us. A long wait, out in the hot sun was beginning to take it's tole. We met a couple behind us who came from San Francisco. Their was a group in front of us, about 6 people.

As time went by, the group in front of us added 4 more people, in spite of being told "no holding spaces or cuts." My daughter was getting very frustrated by this, as was the couple behind us. I too, was a little annoyed, but tried to set a good example for my daughter. Thirty minutes before the concert this group now added 15 more people. The couple behind me were now furious and said something. This gave me an open invitation to now speak. Regardless what was said they didn't move.

After three hours in line, we finally entered for the concert. A quick bathroom break, purchase of t-shirts and a CD we entered the church. Keep in mind, I was with my teenage daughter who led me down to the floor where about 100 or more people were. We ended up about three feet from the stage. I was a little intimidated by this position, but it truly ended up being the best place to be.

Prior to entering we were told that cell phones and cameras were not allowed. Being a rule follower, I did make a quick run to the car to leave the camera and cell phones. Once the concert started I was surprised to see so many cell phones and cameras snapping photo's or recording the concert. My daughter took this moment to remind me that she had suggested earlier that we hide the phone. "I told you we could sneak it in." Oh, well...we have our memories.

This was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. The energy was overwhelming. So many people praising and dancing for the Lord. They played for three hours. We had the best time, it truly was an awesome bonding experience for both my daughter and I. Next year I won't put off purchasing tickets for the entire family.

My Baby...He's growing up!

2008-08-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

Today is my youngest son's 12Th birthday. It seems like just yesterday he was born.
He will be starting Middle School this year, a little scary. What is even scarier is next year I will have three teenagers living at home....Uh oh!

He really is growing up so fast. He has a great personality, shows love and compassion for others, and has the most beautiful eyes. He's bright and witty, a sense of humor like the rest of us. He will be a great man someday. Oh, did I mention....he needs a hair cut! Love ya buddy!

Have a Happy Birthday!

Mom