Your gonna miss this...

It's been quite sometime since my last post.

I've been struggling.

What a wonderful feeling I had just a few weeks ago...where did it go?

It's like when you return from a wonderful vacation. The entire time you were gone, you were living in the moment, soaking in the entire experience, a little taste of heaven...loving every minute, not a single worry...hoping it wouldn't end.

You come home, to the reality of your life...the bills, the emails, work, again you find yourself in warp drive, caught up in the world...longing for your vacation...missing those heavenly moments.
You see, I found myself in a Plan B (a must read book) moment...Wondering where God went? Why He isn't here the way I expected Him to be.

I have a confession...

Suddenly, I wondered...was I wrong...did I miss something?

You see, I couldn't figure out why my marriage was still a complete and utter mess. Prompted by the Lord, I confessed some things to my husband. What a relief I felt. Yet things didn't seem to be going as I thought they should.

My husband has started joining me at church and recovery(he didn't start to go because I told him to, both he and the Lord made certain of that. He went because, and I quote, "God called me back!") yet, something was missing. I thought God was going to renew the love in our marriage, make it all better. Then he stopped going to recovery. In my mind I thought, "now we haven't got a chance." Our relationship was still broken(recovery was to help mend it), instead of drawing closer, it seems the distance between us is even farther than before.

I pray...nothing!

Where are you?

In my weakness, my distorted thinking...I slip, take matters into my own hands. Impatient...I take control.

Oh, no you didn't, you say.

Sadly, I did.

Over, and over, I repeated...where are you? Why aren't you answering my prayers?!!

It took this long to hear Him? Why? Because I was looking within, not at Him.

The other night my husband and I got into a terrible fight, I found myself trying to control him, our marriage, as I have in the past. Trying to fulfill my destiny. I left with my Bible and found myself in Romans.

Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worship and serve created things, rather than the creator-who is forever praised-Amen.

Reality check-Your placing your marriage (an idol) above me...Wait!

Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.

Reality check-remove the log! Again, I tried to control my relationship, by pointing out his faults and how he can improve, making our marriage better.

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

12:10 Honor one another above yourselves.

12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Stop!

Hope...Patient...Faithful

By being impatient, not waiting on the Lord, I lost hope. Even though I continued to pray and read His word, because I was impatient...I put my faith in myself to solve my problems.

He says...wait...It's coming.

I begged for some sort of sign...wait!

I became so discouraged. I knew things would be hard, I just wasn't really willing to suffer, willing to wait. I suppose I thought, in some distorted way...things would be easy now that I really feel God's love. I was so disappointed, yet not surprised, at how quickly I fell back into my own ways(I knew Satan would attack). I never really thought I was not trusting God. I just don't have the patience to wait. I also felt guilty. Such pettiness, my problems compared to many others I know. I hate that I can be so self-centered at times.

Yesterday I read the following in my devotional, Jesus Calling.

When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts in the present moment. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me. Self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success.

Ah-ha! When people say God speaks in mysterious ways...IT'S TRUE!

The Lord has made me aware of my distorted thinking. The reliance I place on myself makes me my god. The success I might obtain, brag about, take credit for, is always temporary. I wind up in the same place every time...without hope, without faith.

I need to stop looking at the past, trying to control the future, and see the right here, right now. If I don't I might miss it.

I need to stop trying to control my destiny! I need to be patient, wait for each moment, living them as they come, one by one, if not...I'm gonna miss it.

I've just finished Plan B, by Pete Wilson, a book I strongly encourage you to read. He says:
"Instead of an answer, God offers us something better. He offers us a solution. He offers us the cross."

He doesn't offer us a life here on earth without trouble, for that we must wait. What He does offer is hope through Christ death.

There is no doubt that I will have moments where things are great, moments where things are worse. It's so important that I understand that my ways are not His ways. To live each moment (joy and pain) as they come...for it is in those moments I am alive! It frightens me to know that I live in the flesh, that I will continue to stumble. What I've realize...I need to wait...I have hope...I have a Savior. Thank the Lord, He didn't allow me to give up. I can see Him in my Plan B even when things aren't going the way I want things to go. Yesterday I shared what the Lord was saying to me with my husband, to my surprise(I shouldn't be surprised), he told me that he too found himself in the book of Romans. Amazing!

Right now, the Lord is in the process of remolding me into who He created me to be. That process includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to just "settle down" and see things for what they truly are, not so blown out of proportion. I'm a work in progress.


I need to stay in the moment...if not...I'm gonna miss it!


Some lyrics from Trace Adkins, Your Gonna Miss This

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this...