Saturday, August 28th was one of the best days of my life....I was baptized. I've been baptized twice before, once as an infant, and again at 31. The first time, I really had no understanding of what baptism meant. Even as I became older, I believed I was baptized as an infant so in the event of my death, I would go to heaven. The second time, I was baptized because I was lead to believe it was the right thing to do. If I was baptized (my works), God would be well pleased. Again, I would go to heaven.
So...what was so different about this time? I realized I don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. I clearly understand that Jesus death on the cross was a ransom for all who have sinned. He paid the cost for all the sin in the world. He exchanged my sin stained life, for His righteousness. I don't have to wait to be loved till I'm perfect, He loves a wretch like me! He SAVED me!
As I came up out of the water, I felt so secure in the Lord. It's really difficult for me to put it into words.
I woke up Sunday feeling great. However, when I went to work I felt like Job. It seemed as though Satan said "let me show you how quickly she can turn from you." And God said, "give it your best shot."
Being a NICU nurse has it's rewards, yet, can produce the most profound anger, doubt, and sadness. It's so hard to watch a mother who has fought to hold on to the precious life inside of her. The guilt, agony, and difficulty in understanding...watching her tiny little baby struggle for life. She begs and pleads with the Lord, to save her precious child. Day by day, hour after hour, parents come into the unit to see, touch, smell, the new addition to their lives. We get to know these families, they become a part of our lives. We share in the triumphs and are saddened by the set backs. Often we explain the journey in the NICU will be that of a "roller coaster." We provide hope. Parents put their trust in us to care and protect their baby in their absence. They call often, (interrupting our day) to get an update on their baby. "Is he/she sleeping?" "Tell him/her that I love them." At the end of their stay, if all goes well, the baby goes home with their parents. I love this part!! Parents keep in touch, sending updated photo's and often stopping by...so awesome!
Sadly, there are times when the baby goes home to our Heavenly Father. Here is were the struggle as a NICU nurse comes in to play. When you have parents like the one's above, you mourn with them. You cry, you hug, you pray. They ask "why?"...You have no answer. Silently, I tell myself...the Lord has a plan. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Proverbs 3:5.
It's so hard at times...our understanding is from a flesh perspective, His...Divine.
A very dear friend of mine, a NICU nurse as well, once said something I found myself saying Sunday... "Mom's who do drugs when pregnant SUCK!"
Yes, my job Sunday was to care for a baby who's mother did drugs during her pregnancy. This sweet baby, was now dying as a result of her sin. This baby almost never felt the touch of mommy or daddy. Rarely heard their voice. In fact most of the time, it was our voices, our touch this small life experienced. Today, I was fighting to save this little life. I fought with the Lord..."WHY?" "I can't do this again...please!" Satan was good, he knew exactly where to take me. For over 8 hours I tried to contact the parents...my anger stirred even further. For two days, I fought to save this baby's life, which ended at 5:21 pm Monday.
I fought the urge to extend compassion to the parents who appeared to be saddened by the loss of their baby. As I watched them hold their baby...I saw this sweet child in the arms of Jesus. Although, I couldn't mutter the words, "I'm sorry for your loss." I suddenly realized...they had no clothes, no camera. I gathered up clothes, a blanket, and a disposable camera, in attempt to create a memory for them.
I tried so hard not to be angry with this mother, who was still living the lifestyle she did during her pregnancy. I struggled with understanding what the Lord wanted from me. The memories of two other sweet babies came to mind...the tears, the agony! Why am I doing this again?
Last night at recovery, I understood His message. So silly...How could I miss it? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night on the way home from recovery...the same song has played over and over.
The Power of Your Name
Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come
Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart
I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name
Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart
Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need
I am a NICU nurse because it's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It's here in the midst of brokenness, I am to carry His compassion, to be His hands and feet...To love a world that's broken.
On Tuesday, I watched, as this amazing family loved a world that's broken. Over the last few weeks I had the privilege of meeting Merrill and Roberta Simon. They are amazing. They have adopted 18, now 19 children. All not wanted, many born of mothers who did drugs during pregnancy. They were done adopting babies, but the Lord had other plans for them. Tuesday, they took home another baby to be apart of their family. While "Montana" was in our unit, Roberta would drive an hour to visit this precious boy. I got to know her. I sat in awe as she shared stories of each and every adopted child. She knows them so well...every inch of them. You can follow their story on her blog...you'll be blessed, I promise!
I'm not surprised at all over how very blessed I am. In light of all the emotions I've gone through over the past few days...I find hope in Paul's words:
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:7-10.
