My First...

 This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe.  Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat.  I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me).  As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good.  I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance. 

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
 ⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me.  The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks.  The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

 I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future.  He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch. 

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God.  It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area.  Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him.  Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer." 

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing, our sins covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups.  I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart.  They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life.  I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!

The Power of Your Name

I'm not sure where to begin...This week my emotions have literally gone from one extreme to the other. I've wrestled with anger and joy, bitterness and empathy, sorrow and blessedness. I suppose, I've mostly struggled with understanding God's will in certain situations.

Saturday, August 28th was one of the best days of my life....I was baptized. I've been baptized twice before, once as an infant, and again at 31. The first time, I really had no understanding of what baptism meant. Even as I became older, I believed I was baptized as an infant so in the event of my death, I would go to heaven. The second time, I was baptized because I was lead to believe it was the right thing to do. If I was baptized (my works), God would be well pleased. Again, I would go to heaven.

So...what was so different about this time? I realized I don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. I clearly understand that Jesus death on the cross was a ransom for all who have sinned. He paid the cost for all the sin in the world. He exchanged my sin stained life, for His righteousness. I don't have to wait to be loved till I'm perfect, He loves a wretch like me! He SAVED me!

As I came up out of the water, I felt so secure in the Lord. It's really difficult for me to put it into words.

I woke up Sunday feeling great. However, when I went to work I felt like Job. It seemed as though Satan said "let me show you how quickly she can turn from you." And God said, "give it your best shot."

Being a NICU nurse has it's rewards, yet, can produce the most profound anger, doubt, and sadness. It's so hard to watch a mother who has fought to hold on to the precious life inside of her. The guilt, agony, and difficulty in understanding...watching her tiny little baby struggle for life. She begs and pleads with the Lord, to save her precious child. Day by day, hour after hour, parents come into the unit to see, touch, smell, the new addition to their lives. We get to know these families, they become a part of our lives. We share in the triumphs and are saddened by the set backs. Often we explain the journey in the NICU will be that of a "roller coaster." We provide hope. Parents put their trust in us to care and protect their baby in their absence. They call often, (interrupting our day) to get an update on their baby.  "Is he/she sleeping?" "Tell him/her that I love them." At the end of their stay, if all goes well, the baby goes home with their parents. I love this part!! Parents keep in touch, sending updated photo's and often stopping by...so awesome!

Sadly, there are times when the baby goes home to our Heavenly Father. Here is were the struggle as a NICU nurse comes in to play. When you have parents like the one's above, you mourn with them. You cry, you hug, you pray. They ask "why?"...You have no answer. Silently, I tell myself...the Lord has a plan. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Proverbs 3:5.

It's so hard at times...our understanding is from a flesh perspective, His...Divine.

A very dear friend of mine, a NICU nurse as well, once said something I found myself saying Sunday... "Mom's who do drugs when pregnant SUCK!"

Yes, my job Sunday was to care for a baby who's mother did drugs during her pregnancy.  This sweet baby, was now dying as a result of her sin. This baby almost never felt the touch of mommy or daddy. Rarely heard their voice. In fact most of the time, it was our voices, our touch this small life experienced. Today, I was fighting to save this little life.  I fought with the Lord..."WHY?" "I can't do this again...please!" Satan was good, he knew exactly where to take me. For over 8 hours I tried to contact the parents...my anger stirred even further. For two days, I fought to save this baby's life, which ended at 5:21 pm Monday.

I fought the urge to extend compassion to the parents who appeared to be saddened by the loss of their baby. As I watched them hold their baby...I saw this sweet child in the arms of Jesus. Although, I couldn't mutter the words, "I'm sorry for your loss." I suddenly realized...they had no clothes, no camera.  I gathered up clothes, a blanket, and a disposable camera, in attempt to create a memory for them.

I tried so hard not to be angry with this mother, who was still living the lifestyle she did during her pregnancy. I struggled with understanding what the Lord wanted from me. The memories of two other sweet babies came to mind...the tears, the agony! Why am I doing this again?

Last night at recovery, I understood His message. So silly...How could I miss it? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night on the way home from recovery...the same song has played over and over.

The Power of Your Name

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet

I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

I am a NICU nurse because it's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It's here in the midst of brokenness, I am to carry His compassion, to be His hands and feet...To love a world that's broken.

On Tuesday, I watched, as this amazing family loved a world that's broken. Over the last few weeks I had the privilege of meeting Merrill and Roberta Simon. They are amazing.  They have adopted 18, now 19 children. All not wanted, many born of mothers who did drugs during pregnancy. They were done adopting babies, but the Lord had other plans for them.  Tuesday, they took home another baby to be apart of their family. While "Montana" was in our unit, Roberta would drive an hour to visit this precious boy. I got to know her. I sat in awe as she shared stories of each and every adopted child.  She knows them so well...every inch of them. You can follow their story on her blog...you'll be blessed, I promise!

I'm not surprised at all over how very blessed I am. In light of all the emotions I've gone through over the past few days...I find hope in Paul's words:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:7-10.

Let me tell you 'bout...

the birds and the bees

and the flowers and the trees

and the moon up above

and a thing called "Love"

Anyone remember these lyrics? They've been playing over and over again in my head for about a month now. It all started with worry.

Worry about my finances.

Worry about my children's future.

Worry about my job.

Worry about where I would live.

Worry about homeschooling.

Worry about my marriage.

Worry if I'm good enough.

Worried about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As you can see I became consumed by worry. Consumed to the point where I tried to control my worry by over eating, not eating, sleeping, and shutting others out. I prayed and prayed...still worried.  About a month ago, I decided to be silent and hear what the Lord had to say to me about worry.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Matthew 6:25-28

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

As I read these words, I struggled with hearing the message within them. Later that afternoon I went for a walk. I was followed by a group of birds. They were swirling around me. (Actually, they were driving me nuts!) I was trying to listen to my Christian music (perhaps the Lord would speak to me in song) and they were distracting. I stopped...look at the birds of the air! I took my earphones out and to my surprise I could hear them chirping away (normally I can't hear anything without my hearing aids). The sounds were beautiful. I continued to watch and was fascinated by how they would soar through the air. Wings spread...glidding...so free...not a care in the world. I remembered the birds nest above my front door. I've watch the momma bird fly to and fro providing food for her young. No worries, the Lord supplied her need. Soon, the babies were gone...the nest empty. Momma still with no worries, for she knows the Lord will care for her Babies...He will provide. I'm reminded; my children may leave the nest...trust...the Lord will care for His children.

I didn't really see bees on my walk, but they often surround my front door. As I looked up scripture about bees/hornets.  It seems the Lord sends these tiny creatures to destroy.  I thought of how often, we are so fearful of these little bees. Arms waving frantically...we try to escape the sting of the bee. Yet, this tiny creature, knows its strength...shows no fear...uses what God has given to defend off intruders. We too have been given such strength...His word, His promise...abide in Me and I in you. John 15:4

As I continued on my walk, I noticed all the wild flowers along my path. (This day I made them lilies.) There was a breeze that day, I watched them gently sway. Such a beautiful dance. Nothing to carry them away, for they were firmly planted in good soil. Firmly planted in Him...I too will remain when the enemy attacks.

I now shifted my attention to the trees. So many shades of green. Only God can create such magnificent shades. Although, the trees here are not planted near water, they receive water. It can be very hot here, yet in the summer, the leaves remain green...wilting only with lack of water. Many friends have fruit trees. Cherries, lemons, even the apple orchids bear fruit. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John15:5

My mind wondered to our recent camping trip. I felt so close to God in all of His creation, I was fascinated by His wondrous works. The trees near the flowing river, the birds, the butterflies, the sounds, smells, the fine details, I was in awe.

As the seasons change, the trees remain.  Although the leaves may turn to vibrant shades of red, yellow, orange...their roots remain spread across the earth. The rain or snow, continues to provide the water they need to survive.  Do you remember the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the well? He explained to her that He was the living water, and if we drink from Him we will never thirst.  He's saying, He will provide all we need for life. If we trust in Him for all things, our humanly desires will soon fade as we see how much the Lord has blessed us. No matter what season we're in, He provides!!

What about the moon? Have you ever looked at the moon and sworn you saw a face? Intriguing! I started thinking about the sky and it's vastness. How small we are among this giant universe. Yet, every hair on our head, every thought...He knows. I have recently been blessed with the most beautiful sunrises and clear skies at night...the moon and stars so bright. What a glorious kingdom...yes!?

What I realized, again...I have no control. I'm reminded of what Jesus told Martha...Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her. Luke 10:41-42.

What is so amazing, is that the Lord loves me so much He allows me to try to control my life, He waits patiently on the sidelines till I trust in Him...He forgives. Only one thing is needed...remain in Him.

Everything...the birds, bees, flowers, trees, moon, stars, sunrises, sunsets, His children...all created by Him from LOVE!

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31. I love this scripture!

One of the women in my Recovery group said something that I have a firm grip on.  You see, for such a long time I allowed Satan to bind me to my desire for control. So much so that I closed my mind and my thoughts to how great the Lord's love is for me. I let others influence me, I let my entitlement control my desires. 
But now...

NO ONE CAN TAKE MY GOD AWAY FROM ME!

His love is displayed throughout all of creation...just take a look...just trust...He will never leave or forsake any of His children, His creations!