New Beginnings

A little over one week ago I received "the letter" that changed my life as I once knew it. My current place of employment was purchased by another company. We were told layoffs were inevitable.

I was one of the elect.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised I was chosen. However, I was surprised by the waves of emotion that followed. I've known this was a possibility and I've tried to prepare myself financially and emotionally. What I've come to realize...

You're never fully prepared.

You're never strong enough.

When I tell people I was born and raised in Hawaii, I almost always get the same response..."Oh, you are so lucky! I love the ocean, love the sunsets." This is true, my visit to Maui last year reaffirmed the beauty in both. But, ah...what else was confirmed by that trip, my fear of the ocean.

This past week, I've often found my emotions like the waves of the sea I fear so much. I'm not the best swimmer and there were many times I was tossed by the waves, fear encompassing me. The worst thing you can do when caught in the middle of a wave is panic. You must resist the temptation to panic and fight against the wave. The more you panic, the more short of breath you become. You're responding out of fear and  if you give into that fear, you will drown.

Life is a lot like the waves isn't it. We think life is predictable. It's quite the opposite.

Life is unpredictable.

The only one who knows what is in store for our life is God himself. Yet, we still try to control our destiny.

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

I cannot lie, this week has been tough. There have been a few times I have panicked in the waves instead of calmly letting them take me to shore.

What I am learning, is that I will make it not by my strength, but by the Lord's. I've ridden these waves before. As I look back, He has always been faithful. My life has not gone as I have planned, but I have been blessed because I cling to His promise for me.

Plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

When I find myself in a panic, I have faith in Him who awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea "Peace, be still!" Mark 4:39

Today I pick up my final paper work and turn in my badge.

Tomorrow, All things are made new.

Don't Lie

For a little over a week now, these two words have echoed though my mind.

As a parent to five children, honesty one of many values I've tried to instill.


"Don't lie to me, you'll only get in deeper trouble".

"Don't lie, as one lie leads to another".

I realized that while truth is something I've stressed, I've also unintentionally encouraged my children, to lie.

How many of you with young children have heard them remark at one time or another something undesirable to someone and have unconsciously encouraged a lie? Young children are so honest, purely innocent, until we make it otherwise. They say things like...

"You have a fat belly, is there a baby in there?"

"Your butt jiggles when you walk."

"You smell funny, you need a bath."

When we hear our children say things like this, we shudder. And more often than not, in a round about way, we encourage lying. We tell our children they cannot say those things because it hurts their feelings, or "that's not nice". Our intent is to teach our children when it's important to "keep quiet". I'm not quite sure how it happens, but I think somewhere in raising our children we may unconsciously encourage lying. You know that "little white lie" won't hurt anyone. Keeping quite is by far better the better choice when truth may hurt someone. But lying, is clearly not the best option. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

About a week ago, I told what I felt was a "little white lie". What I found out is...a lie is a lie!

Just as scripture tells us that to hate your brother is the same as murder, the Lord gently reminded me, through consequences...a "little white lie" is a lie...a sin.

At first, I truly believed lying was acceptable, as the outcome wouldn't change. I convinced myself that to lie even though the Spirit was convicting me otherwise.

As the Spirit revealed the error of my ways, I asked myself...

"Why did you lie"? Fear!
Fear of consequences and fear of retaliation towards an innocent person.

Fear birthed protection, protection birthed the lie.

Again, back to my children. I couldn't help but realize that in some circumstances, like me, their lie is from fear. Mostly, fear of consequences. I started re-examining my heart in this situation, as right before my very eyes, this one lie, began to snowball out of control. One lie, lead to another, then another...finally...CONFESSION!

I've always told my children, if you tell the truth your consequences won't be as severe. This doesn't mean there won't be consequences as a result of your wrong (sin).

Ephesians 5:13 But everything exposed by the light become visible.

Jesus is the light, and through the Holy Spirit, He exposed in me what's needed to change. Yes, there were consequences, but God is rich in mercy.

A few days later, my son and I were on our way to the orthodontist. He had lost a bracket, several days prior. They always lecture about the importance of coming in right away to get that taken care of. I don't like going back and forth to the orthodontist. In the car on the way, I told my son to tell them he just lost the bracket this morning. LIE! Immediately...the light! I couldn't believe I actually encouraged my teenage son to lie. Ugh! Yes, I did the right thing. But why a lie? There was no fear, I just didn't want to hear the lecture.

This was a wonderful moment for both my son and I. He got to witness how imperfect I am.  How I humbled and became obedient to the Lord. Most importantly, he saw the Lord's grace as we told the truth. There were no lectures.

For me, the most beautiful moment is; my son, who doesn't know the Lord, saw the Lord through me. Now that's awesome!!

Dancing to the Beat

This past weekend I had the opportunity to see my first 3D ultrasound of my newest granddaughter, Brooklyn. What an amazing thing to see...

When I think about God creating the heaven and earth, as I witness a sunrise or sunset, I'm absolutely awestruck. Then I saw Brooklyn...miraculous!!

For You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:13-14

Even now, as I look at this photo, my eyes well up with tears. Fearfully and wonderfully made...only God can do such a thing.

My grandson, Brayden was also in the room. There were some toys on the ground, and he was playing. The technician had asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat...YES!

She turned up the volume, my grandson stood up and began to dance to his sister's heartbeat. I wish I had a camera to capture that moment! I tried to fight my tears...

Cherished!

My First...

 This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe.  Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat.  I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me).  As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good.  I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance. 

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
 ⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me.  The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks.  The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

 I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future.  He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch. 

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God.  It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area.  Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him.  Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer." 

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing, our sins covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups.  I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart.  They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life.  I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!

50

Today I start a new decade of my life. The past few decades left me bitter, resentful, and empty. I struggled to find my purpose in life, honestly...I'm still not certain of what that is. One thing I am certain...He knows.

I'm struggling, wondering why it took me till 50 to feel and understand the Lord's love and grace for me. I struggle, thinking...wouldn't it have been better for me to know this years ago that I might pass it on to my children? So much pain could have been avoided. I'm reminded that it's His timing, not mine. His purpose, not mine. Still in my human nature, I wish it had been sooner.

So much has changed for me since the first of the year. I made a decision to seek Him diligently and I found Him. Often I would hear others express how they hear the Lord speaking to them. Honestly, my response...psst, okay, sure!

I use to think He only spoke to those worthy. I use to think He speaks with this great voice, you know like when He spoke to Moses. I never saw this burning bush, or heard that thunderous voice. I just couldn't grasp what people were saying, until now.

The Lord speaks to us in ways we understand, in ways only we can hear Him, in ways that are unique only to us. For me, I hear Him in books I read, songs, biblical stories, and when others share an experience with me. The first few times I recognized Him speaking to me, actually blew my mind. And yes, He speaks to those of us who feel unworthy, for all are worthy in His eyes.

For so long I held on to bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt over so many circumstances in my life. I held on to my unforgiving heart. I felt so stained by my sins, believing I would never be forgiven I stayed in the darkness...because it's what I deserved. As a result, I did it my way. I tried to control my destiny and that of my family. Everything became, all about me.

In February I started the Celebrate Recovery program at church. Coupled with my devotion to His word, a change has started in my heart, in my life. A change that comes from the Lord's unconditional love and grace for me.

I was desperate for change, as a result,it was time. Time for the Lord to show me how great His love and forgiveness is. I wish I could describe it so all can understand, I simply can't. But, when you feel it, you'll know exactly what I mean. Because He loves me so...I want to give that love back.

How do I do this? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31

For so long I fought against the greatest commandment because of my entitlement attitude. You love me first, then I will love you. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19.

Because He loves me so much, He waited for me. He waited till He knew I would be ready to receive all He had to say to me. This has not been a painless process. No, it's been quite painful. As He has revealed my sinful ways, He is creating in me a new self.

A recent story I read, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, is where the Lord has recently spoken the loudest to me. Without giving much of the story away, I want to share a few things with you.

There is a situation where Corrie at the age of nine or ten ask her father a question. He doesn't answer right away, but waits for the perfect timing (Something the Lord does, His timing). He ask Corrie to carry his train case which is full. She tries, but responds by saying "I can't, it's too heavy!" He says, "How cruel it would be for a father to let a little girl carry such a load." He then explains, "Sometimes knowledge is this way. Some knowledge is to heavy for children to carry, when you're older you can carry it, but for now, let me carry it." I realize the Lord is like this, He carries the load until He knows we are ready. I also realized that far to often, I let my children carry my train case, when I should have carried that load. It's here, I think..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

Another big moment for me was when Corrie's father tries to comfort her broken heart. He explains, "love is the strongest force in the world, and when it's blocked that means pain. There are two things you can do when this happens. Kill the love so it stops hurting, but then of course, a part of you dies too. Or, ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. If you ask Him, He will give you a love nothing can prevent or destroy. Whenever we can't love the human way, God can give us the perfect way." WOW!!

This made me realize so often in my life, I killed the love because of my bitterness, anger, resentment, controlling, perfectionist, entitlement attitude. As a result, a part of myself and those that I loved died. Again..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

But, I didn't.

But, I do now!!

For me to continue to live in the past, to allow it to hold me captive, forever trapped in darkness, Satan would win. But, I now have the light... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12.

The final thing spoken to me in this story is about forgiveness. Corrie struggled to forgive a man who had done much wrong to her, to others. She prayed, "I cannot forgive this man, Lord give me your strength to forgive." The moment she took this man's hand she understood, "it's not on our forgiveness any more than our goodness that the worlds healing hinges, but on HIS! When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself!"
So, I begin my 50's with new knowledge...Love is the greatest force in the world.

Sometimes love hurts and when it does I can ask the Lord to give me His way to love, the perfect way.

After all, He loves me more than I can ever imagine.

He loves me enough to carry my train case.

He loves me enough to let me try it my way.

He loves me enough to forgive me of my sins.

He loves me enough to sacrifice life that I may have life.

To forgive me when I leave Him.

To accept me back, no questions asked, with open arms.

Your gonna miss this...

It's been quite sometime since my last post.

I've been struggling.

What a wonderful feeling I had just a few weeks ago...where did it go?

It's like when you return from a wonderful vacation. The entire time you were gone, you were living in the moment, soaking in the entire experience, a little taste of heaven...loving every minute, not a single worry...hoping it wouldn't end.

You come home, to the reality of your life...the bills, the emails, work, again you find yourself in warp drive, caught up in the world...longing for your vacation...missing those heavenly moments.
You see, I found myself in a Plan B (a must read book) moment...Wondering where God went? Why He isn't here the way I expected Him to be.

I have a confession...

Suddenly, I wondered...was I wrong...did I miss something?

You see, I couldn't figure out why my marriage was still a complete and utter mess. Prompted by the Lord, I confessed some things to my husband. What a relief I felt. Yet things didn't seem to be going as I thought they should.

My husband has started joining me at church and recovery(he didn't start to go because I told him to, both he and the Lord made certain of that. He went because, and I quote, "God called me back!") yet, something was missing. I thought God was going to renew the love in our marriage, make it all better. Then he stopped going to recovery. In my mind I thought, "now we haven't got a chance." Our relationship was still broken(recovery was to help mend it), instead of drawing closer, it seems the distance between us is even farther than before.

I pray...nothing!

Where are you?

In my weakness, my distorted thinking...I slip, take matters into my own hands. Impatient...I take control.

Oh, no you didn't, you say.

Sadly, I did.

Over, and over, I repeated...where are you? Why aren't you answering my prayers?!!

It took this long to hear Him? Why? Because I was looking within, not at Him.

The other night my husband and I got into a terrible fight, I found myself trying to control him, our marriage, as I have in the past. Trying to fulfill my destiny. I left with my Bible and found myself in Romans.

Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worship and serve created things, rather than the creator-who is forever praised-Amen.

Reality check-Your placing your marriage (an idol) above me...Wait!

Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.

Reality check-remove the log! Again, I tried to control my relationship, by pointing out his faults and how he can improve, making our marriage better.

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

12:10 Honor one another above yourselves.

12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Stop!

Hope...Patient...Faithful

By being impatient, not waiting on the Lord, I lost hope. Even though I continued to pray and read His word, because I was impatient...I put my faith in myself to solve my problems.

He says...wait...It's coming.

I begged for some sort of sign...wait!

I became so discouraged. I knew things would be hard, I just wasn't really willing to suffer, willing to wait. I suppose I thought, in some distorted way...things would be easy now that I really feel God's love. I was so disappointed, yet not surprised, at how quickly I fell back into my own ways(I knew Satan would attack). I never really thought I was not trusting God. I just don't have the patience to wait. I also felt guilty. Such pettiness, my problems compared to many others I know. I hate that I can be so self-centered at times.

Yesterday I read the following in my devotional, Jesus Calling.

When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts in the present moment. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me. Self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success.

Ah-ha! When people say God speaks in mysterious ways...IT'S TRUE!

The Lord has made me aware of my distorted thinking. The reliance I place on myself makes me my god. The success I might obtain, brag about, take credit for, is always temporary. I wind up in the same place every time...without hope, without faith.

I need to stop looking at the past, trying to control the future, and see the right here, right now. If I don't I might miss it.

I need to stop trying to control my destiny! I need to be patient, wait for each moment, living them as they come, one by one, if not...I'm gonna miss it.

I've just finished Plan B, by Pete Wilson, a book I strongly encourage you to read. He says:
"Instead of an answer, God offers us something better. He offers us a solution. He offers us the cross."

He doesn't offer us a life here on earth without trouble, for that we must wait. What He does offer is hope through Christ death.

There is no doubt that I will have moments where things are great, moments where things are worse. It's so important that I understand that my ways are not His ways. To live each moment (joy and pain) as they come...for it is in those moments I am alive! It frightens me to know that I live in the flesh, that I will continue to stumble. What I've realize...I need to wait...I have hope...I have a Savior. Thank the Lord, He didn't allow me to give up. I can see Him in my Plan B even when things aren't going the way I want things to go. Yesterday I shared what the Lord was saying to me with my husband, to my surprise(I shouldn't be surprised), he told me that he too found himself in the book of Romans. Amazing!

Right now, the Lord is in the process of remolding me into who He created me to be. That process includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to just "settle down" and see things for what they truly are, not so blown out of proportion. I'm a work in progress.


I need to stay in the moment...if not...I'm gonna miss it!


Some lyrics from Trace Adkins, Your Gonna Miss This

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this...

Labor pains

I posted this on my private blog. Thought I'd share it with those of you here as well.
Just something I've been thinking about...

In the last few weeks God has been revealing a lot about me that is extremely, emotionally painful. I'm reminded of the labor(physical) pains a women goes through during the birth process.

I've had the privilege of being present during the birth of my grandchildren. I remember my daughter while in labor with my granddaughter and grandson, she would often call out to me for comfort..."mom, it hurts!"..."I know honey, it's almost over...you can do it...I love you!" As I watched my daughter-in-law, breathe through each contraction, she was very focused...she was on a mission.

They say you soon forget the pains of labor, not I...that was one of the most excruciating physical pains I've ever had to endure, but well worth it. How did I get through it? I knew what the outcome would be...a miracle, a new life.

I've been taught God gave Eve the pains of labor as a result of her sin. I wonder if the real purpose of labor, is to show us through pain the beauty of the end results...the birth of one of His children. To realize, that sometimes good things, great things, glorious things, come out of our pain.

Where do the dad's fit in all of this, you can feel their emotion by looking into their faces. They wish they could take away the pain, could bear the pain...all they can do is ofter encouraging words, a comforting touch. We simply can not bear the burdens of each others pain. We can ofter our love and prayers, trusting God will see them through.

I've recently reread of Christ death on the cross. I can't imagine the intense physical and emotional agony He must have felt. Physically being nailed to the cross. Only He carried the burdens, the sin of all men. Imagine what our Heavenly Father must have experienced when His Son called out to Him. How painful that must have been for God to watch. All for a purpose, one that is so difficult for many of us to comprehend. Our redemption!

As painful as my brokenness feels right now, I believe that like the birth of a child...beauty, love, joy, and grace will be the outcome. God is using my brokenness for His glory. All I have to do is focus and trust He will carry me.

I am a sinner...

It started again just last week, I was struck by another bout with depression. I have not been depressed in almost a year, contributing this blessing to my renewed relationship with God. With the many trials of last year, according to my past history, I surely should have been depressed. What did occur was that I was able to breeze through them, confident that God would see us through, His faithfulness would prevail. So why now!?

I struggled to find an answer as to why now...where did I go wrong?

Backing up a bit, my deepest depression started just before I walked out on my relationship with God. So much in my life was in utter dismay, I believed He didn't care about me...if He did, I wouldn't be such a mess. For almost 8 years I walked alone in my hardships, trying to solve everything my way. My deepest struggle came when I renewed my faith and trust in Gods love, mercy and grace.

For several years, like many, I've been challenged by raising a rebellious teen. Just last week, things became unpleasant and I found myself reacting in the worst way. I became bitter and resentful, saying things, thinking things, as a mother I never, ever dreamed possible. As a result, I turned to scripture for guidance. I read the following:

Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.

1Peter 2:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
12 For they eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Suddenly, the reflection I saw in the mirror was unpleasant. I heard a voice saying...
I am a sinner!

I then became overwhelmed with the thought of disappointing my heavenly Father. I wanted to hide my face in shame from Him. I became consumed by grief and despair. Day after day, I was tormented by these thoughts. Because I felt contempt for my child, I could not help but wonder if God felt the same about me.

I am a sinner!

What made things worse, is that in my human nature, I could not, nor did I want to forgive my child. Thoughts flooded my mind...How can you call yourself a mother, for a mother would never feel this way, say these things...

Diligently, I searched scripture for an answer...for hope...for guidance...for forgiveness!

Last month I focus on the book of Proverbs. Over and over it became apparent to me that as Christians we should seek wisdom. Wisdom is obtained by faithfully reading God's word, and following His instruction. Through Proverbs, I understood how we can be the best God wants us to be. Also, last week during my Bible study, Beth Moore made the following statement: "God knew what He was allowing to happen to bring it to the destiny He planned."

What is my destiny? To that question, I've yet to find an answer. What I have done, is stopped searching for what I want my destiny to be and wait patiently for God to reveal His destiny for me.

While, I have yet to understand His destiny for me, he has shown me that it is not the circumstances that has made me depressed, it is the way Satan has twisted and manipulated my thoughts. Satan has the ability to take our sin (anger, bitterness, unforgiving nature) and use it to his advantage to keep us from God. He builds upon it, causing us to continue to sin (my unwillingness to forgive). Satan knows how much I want to love and please my heavenly Father. He knows that when I sin against one of God's children, I want to hide my face in shame. He fills me with grief and despair, continuing to hold me captive, convincing me that I am not worthy of God's love, grace, mercy and forgiveness because
I am a sinner!

God on the other hand, also reveals my sinful nature. Not to make me feel unworthy of His love, but to show me my weaknesses. By revealing my sins to me, Gods intent is to teach me the ways in which I should go. He wants me to cling to Him especially in my times of troubles, for it is there I will see His greatest promise...He will never leave nor forsake me.

What I found in my faithfulness to God's word is...Hope

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith not by sight.

For those of us who believe that of which Christ represents (grace and mercy), through faith not by sight, will be gradually transformed into His likeness. This gradual process is one that will likely continue till our death. It is through God's mercy we are supplied with the strength and courage to persevere when face to face with persecution, hardship, or the reflection of our sinful nature.

When I looked up the definition of the word mercy in Websters I found the following:

-Compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender.
-A blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion.
-Kind or compassionate treatment of those in distress.

Is this not the way we view our Heavenly Father?!

God has not turned away from me, He has revealed to me my sinful nature, along with His mercy and forgiveness. With compassion and favor He is asking me to allow Him to continue His role as The Potter, gradually molding me into His likeness. It is up to me, to let go of my control of the situation and trust my life in His hands. No matter what I do to try to be the "perfect Christian" will not save me!

There is not a single thing I can do by my will that will contribute to my salvation.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and it's not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

For I am a sinner saved by the love, mercy, grace and forgiveness of God!

This year I have been much more diligent in my walk with God, as a result Satan, threatened by my faithfulness, once again is desperate to take me captive. Not this time!!!

In my sinful nature I will always have something to overcome. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For it is through my weakness, He is strong...He will be victorious!!

I have realized that God allows my hardship because He is pruning me, ridding the dead branches so that new growth in Him will be strong. God continues to show me, He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour...He will shine His light so that I am reminded of His promises, His constant presence. I have realized that my security rest only in Him, not others, myself, nor a circumstance I am trying to control. Regardless of my struggle, God will bless me. Like a child preparing to cross a busy street, I will continue to hold God's hand. At the moment I am about to cross the troublesome road, I can look up to God with assurance that He will get me across safely.

I thank God for His hope...mercy...forgiveness...love...grace...and Christ sacrifice, that which covers my sin.

No more sorrow, no more pain...

A few weeks ago I asked for your prayers for a very special little guy. Early this morning he went to his heavenly home.

I thought yesterday was going to be like every other day at work...I would get to cuddle with this cutie, watch him as he would bat at his little mobile, and try my best to get a giggle out of him. Although he didn't giggle, he had this toothless grin that warmed my heart. He would smile from the corner of his mouth, and often smacked his tongue as he tried to imitate my kisses.

When I arrived at work and saw how this little guy look...I just knew things weren't right. I tried my best to be the "nurse," but all the while my heart was hurting.

It was a long twelve hours involving lab work, cool baths to bring down his temperature, holding, singing...praying. No smiles for me this day, just a quiet calm stare. He was awake the entire shift, but looked so tired. Even a visit from his mom couldn't bring on a smile(he always smiles for her), just this look.

It was very difficult for me to leave at the end of my shift. I felt like I had more to do for him, but had no idea what that would be, as I knew he was in good hands. I asked to be called if anything should happen. (As a nurse in the NICU, you sometime just can't leave your work behind). On my drive home I prayed...Heavenly Father, please give this little guy some rest. He looks so weary and tired. At the same time, one of my favorite songs, I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin was playing on the radio.

That night as I tried to sleep, the same song was playing over and over again in my head. I woke before 1am with those lyrics running through my mind. The phone rang shortly after 1 with the news...I just couldn't believe it, another little NICU boy I have grown to love has gone to heaven.

Immediately after Ricky's death I felt such anger at God...why didn't you do something? When I got the news of this little guy early this am, I felt the same way. Wiping my tears, I got dressed and headed down to the hospital to say goodbye. On my drive the same song was playing. As I heard the words...

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

I suddenly had my answer...

As I held, rocked, and hummed this song to this little guy, I realized for him there will be No more sorrow, no more pain. He has risen on eagles wings.

I will miss him terribly, but I know together with Ricky they are singing praises with the angels.

I thank all of you for your prayers, if you would continue to pray for the family and the staff in our NICU, I would greatly appreciate it. I also want to take a moment to mention how wonderful it is to work with such a great crew. So many have been touched by this little guys life, not just the nurses...the respiratory therapist, the unit clerks, the volunteers, the housekeepers, and even the other families who have caught a glimpse of that grin.

I wish I knew how to download the song from You Tube...can't figure it out.
Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

The Wonder of Birth

My friend Michelle stopped by work yesterday, with good news to report. Both her and baby, Faith are doing very well. You could see the joy in her face...that of a mother with child.

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking about the birth and life of Christ in a different light. Seeing the "pregnancy glow" on Michelle's face made me wonder...

How much did Mary's face glow?

I remember visiting Michelle while she was in the hospital in preterm labor. The fear and tears for her unborn daughter also made me think...

Did Mary and Joseph understand the depth of Jesus life and His sacrifice for mankind?

Working as a NICU nurse, you can read so many emotions on a parents face. Some of those emotions, take me back to when all my children were born. I was in awe! A miracle!

Mary, the mother of Jesus must have been experiencing the same things, and more.

After having children, my recall of Christ birth is different than when I was a child. I can't imagine delivering a baby in a barn, I would have been terrified. I'm certain Mary was calm, knowing God had everything carefully planned.

When I heard my babies first cry...relief!

I wonder what Mary thought when she heard the cry of Jesus.

As I found myself staring at my new born, I had such hopes and dreams for them. I wondered...what will their future hold?

Did Mary fear for the future of her Son? As a mother, did she somehow have the urge to plea with God to change His plans for Jesus?

My friend Michelle is no doubt counting and recording the weeks of her daughter's progress. Depending on when she is born, Michelle will record the little things she does...first steps, first words...

In the Bible we read about Christ first visit to the Temple, His baptism, His teachings, His love, His miracles performed, His faith, His death...

As a mother, somehow I can't help but wonder what Mary was thinking/feeling as she silently recorded these events to her memory.

I am amazed at the faith, trust and hope of Mary and others I read about in the Bible. I too want to live that way. In our fallen nature it's so darn hard at times.

This year as Christmas approaches and the year comes to an end...I feel so blessed!
I have an amazing group of friends and family. I am also drawing closer to Him. It's good to know that even when I fail, and yes, sin...He continues to forgive and draw me closer to Him.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
-Luke 2;10-14

May you all have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Wonder Years

It's official, as of August 22, 2009, I now have three teenagers. It's so hard to believe that the only babies in my life now are my precious grandchildren.

When I was pregnant with my oldest (now 26 with two children of her own), one song in particular was always on my mind...The Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I remember saying to myself..."I am not going to be like that!" I didn't want to miss out on anything. I want to always have a bonding relationship with my children.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

I remember very clearly the day all of my children were born. I truly was in awe over how fearfully and wonderfully made each one of them where. But most importantly, I was honored that God blessed me with the opportunity to raise His children.

Sad but true, as time went on...there were bills to pay, lessons to study, a house to clean, meals to prepare, and many "not today, I got a lot to do." Yes, there were things I missed out on, but thank goodness, it's only a few things. I may not have been diligent about writing in their baby books, but I remember the first of everything, just like it was yesterday.

As my youngest was approaching his 13th birthday, I spent a lot of time reminiscing over my teenage years. They truly were the wonder years. I remember how overwhelmed I would feel at times. I've been doing a lot of listening to my teens lately...and you know what...they wonder the same things I did.

Will my friends accept me?

Am I pretty/good looking?

Am I smart enough?

Why does God let people suffer?

Why doesn't he/she like me?

Are my parents proud of me?

Why don't my parents like me?

Why do my parents constantly nag me?

What am I going to do when I grow up?

Should I have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

Should I have sex?

Should I drink, do drugs?

Where should I work?

You all know the list goes on and on...the wonder years!

Something I realized as a parent to teenagers, I too am again in the wonder years.

I wonder...

Did I instill good moral values in my children?

Do they understand God's grace?

Will they make the right decisions?

What will they be when they grow up?

Will they say "no" to sex, to drugs and drinking?

Will they be strong under peer pressure?

Will they stand firm in their faith?

Did I represent Christ character when raising them?

Why don't they like me?

Will they trust God's promises for their life?

The list goes on and on...the wonder years.

It won't be long and I will be writing about the "empty nest syndrome." For now...I plan on enjoying the wonder years...cause I don't wanna miss a thing!

Many of you know, I already have two grown children, with children of their own. I am so proud of both of them. They are truly remarkable people. I am happy to say, they both are my closest and dearest friends. They live in different States, but we speak to each other almost daily.

Each and everyone of my children, created by the Almighty, are unique in there own way with their own style and quirks. As I've watched them grow, I am amazed at how God has a plan for all of us...no two plans are alike. I pray they will listen to His voice, always have faith, hold fast to His word and trust His promises.

I am richly blessed!

The Shepherd

Last Sunday the sermon was on Psalm 23. I haven't been able to think of much else this week. Funny thing is, I've heard this Psalm read many times, especially during a funeral. But, as I reflect on it this week and the message of my Pastor, something beautiful has unfolded.

I've mentioned here that, we have changed our diet. Today, my husband and I started a cleansing, a detox. We both want to be healthy and rid ourselves of all the harm we've done to our bodies over time. I believe this Psalm will carry me through this process. I know, it will not be easy...trust me when I say I got a "taste" of it this morning when I started. What I am certain of is this is the Lords will for my life, otherwise He would not have lead me in this direction.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Websters defines shepherd as one who tends sheep. And the meaning of the word tend...to watch over.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the father-and I lay down my life for the sheep." John 10:14-15

You see, the Lord is my shepherd...He owns me, He knows me, He watches over me, He cares for me, He provides for me. Therefore, I shall not want. It's important for me to be satisfied with His provisions for me, because they will always be perfect because He knows exactly what I need. It may not be what I want, but that isn't important. What's important is knowing that I can trust His provisions for my life.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.

He provides a place of rest for me and calms my storms, helping me find a sense of strength through Him. Again, it's all about trust.

3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Think about this verse for a moment. In my fallen nature, He rebuilds me. Wow, He creates multiple opportunities for me to seek Him. Just like a father leading his child through a crowd, He creates a path for me...leading me to somewhere safe. When I decide to take short cuts, he redirects my path...it's all up to me to trust and follow.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

When I read this verse, I think of a dark valley....my depression, often leads me to this valley. Here's the thing...He protects me! How do I know, how does anyone know? Believe me when I say, it is when you're broken...you know, you feel His presence. He leads you out of that valley. Again, you must trust and follow...He knows what you need, He will provide and protect. His love never fails!

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Even in the presence of our enemies, we can still be blessed. Why, because He will always win over the enemy! For me, often the enemy is in my mind. Satan places such foolish thoughts, controlling thoughts in my head, it wears me out physically, emotionally and mentally. The wonderful thing is...He delivers me! He defends and protects me, He will never forsake me...It's all about trust!

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.

This verse confirms His undying love for me. Sinful as we all are, Jesus died and made a way for me, for you, to live with Him forever! Ask yourself this question...would you be willing to let your child die to save the world, your enemies? God has given ALL an opportunity at eternal life.

"I am the good shepherd." The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:11

This Psalm is all about trust. How much do you trust Him?

Resolution 2009

This has been a long, painful year. This year, I renewed my relationship with God and have been blessed in many ways. So why such a difficult year, because I have not trusted God with ALL things. I've given him a few things, but not everything. I've tried to control so many aspects of my life and have failed miserably.



I've realized that God allowed my suffering to make me realized I simply can't do things all my own. He has a plan for me and I have failed to trust in Him with ALL my life, which leads me to my New Years Resolution:

To trust God with ALL things. I know I'll be challenged (I'm a bit of a control freak), but I'm determined to make this work. Through Him ALL things are possible, it's time to let him take the wheel.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

God's blessings for all of you next year.

Give Thanks

In preparation for Thanksgiving tomorrow I thought it was important to remember and thank our Heavenly Father for all the blessings I have received.

I am thankful for two of the most loving, compassionate, giving parents. They have loved me through my joys, pains, rebellion, and have supported me in all that I do.

I am thankful for the most amazing siblings, their spouses and my niece and nephews. They bring peace, comfort and joy to my life.

I am thankful for the man God has placed into my life, my husband.

He has blessed me with five beautiful, healthy children. All make me a better person.

He has blessed me with three beautiful, healthy grandchildren.

I am thankful for the job He has provide for both myself and my husband. He has made sure we have never been without.

I am thankful for the beautiful home God has provided for my family.

I am thankful for the many friends I have made through work, in my neighborhood, and blogging. They are the most amazing people... so loving, accepting and supportive.

I am thankful for my church family.

I am thankful for the sunrises, sunsets, and all the beauty in nature.

I am thankful He hears and answers my prayers.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for the food God provides to nourish my body.

I am thankful for His word which nourishes my heart, mind, and soul.

I am thankful that I am free to worship Him.

May you all be as richly blessed tomorrow as we celebrate Thanksgiving.

I'd love to hear what you are all thankful for.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalms 106:1

Broken Bones

My husband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on May 26th. Since we had gone out to dinner the night before with friends to celebrate, we decided to do lunch on that day.

As we were driving around discussing what to do next, I felt the need just to return home. Actually, I needed a power nap. (Hey, it happens when we get older!) I suggested we go home, I would take a 30 minute nap, then we could do something with the kids.

When we arrived home, my thirteen year old wasn't home. When I asked his whereabouts, I was told he was outside skateboarding. Ummm! Didn't see him out front. I went upstairs for my nap. As I looked out the bedroom window, down a steep, long hill...I noticed a firetruck. For some reason, I said to myself, "I really hope that isn't for Alex." Yep, you guessed it...it was.

Before I could even get the covers on, my fifteen year old Emily, started to tell me Alex is down the hill, broken leg...she said more, but that is all I heard before I sprinted down the hill. As I got to the bottom of the hill, I saw my son strapped to a backboard, being lifted into the ambulance.

"Alex honey, it's mom." He began sobbing...mom!

I rode with him to the hospital. He is in shock...pale, shaking, groaning in pain, crying. As I held my sons hand and head, calmly talking to him in attempts to comfort him...I couldn't help but think...thank you Lord for bringing us home!

I have five children, my oldest is twenty-five. None have broken a bone till now. I have broken my wrist. When I hear my mom tell that story...it has everything to do with patience and my lack thereof. Now, my brother Scott on the other hand...many, many broken bones. I can remember as a child the anxiety felt as we sprinted home to tell my mom that Scott had crashed again off a bike or skateboard.

Here is what happened with Alex. As he was riding his scooter (not motorized) down the hill, he hit a shot gun shell. He began losing control, in attempts to stop he put his leg down... You know the rest.

While at the hospital, once he was medicated and leg set, he began telling me his perspective through tears. "Mom, I was so scared and felt so alone. My friend called 911, then out of no where this couple showed up...I really need to find them and thank them. The fire department arrived, then dad. Once I saw dad (he arrived first via car) I told the paramedics..."that's my dad" and started crying. I heard your voice and couldn't help but cry more...I was so glad you guys were there. I never want to be alone. I promise I will listen to you guys more. I love you!"

For those of you who are parents...you can understand how I felt. I was trying to be so brave, not shed a tear (that freaks them out, makes them think everything is much worse). My heart ached so bad. I just wanted to take away all the pain, fear and anxiety from my son. It doesn't matter if it is a broken bone, skinned knee, emotional anguish from a friends hurtful words, break up from a boy/girl friend, crushed spirit and on and on. I have two grown children, and my heart still aches for their pain. It never ends, no matter how young or old your children are...we still want to protect them and ease their pain.

As I write this, I can't help but imagine the intense pain God must have experienced as he watched his son be ridiculed by his people, nailed to the cross and heard his groans and cries on that cross. There was nothing God could do, but be with him while he suffered. I imagine he was holding his hand and head, comforting him with his promise. Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice so we all could be free.

Above is a photo of my son and his friend, Mike. I thank God for Mike. He called 911 and was trying to talk to Alex, holding his hand until someone else arrived so he could come get us. Thanks Mike!

Broken; Trust The Potter

Today, I am forty-eight. Yep, "I am special today, it's my birthday!" Why do we think that we have that written on our foreheads for everyone to see? Birthday's are special days...true? We all expect our days to be fantastic. I mean trumpets blowing, treated as a King or Queen, feel the earth move, and to have our day ended with extravagant fireworks displayed!


Actually, I have felt the earth move...since about 1 am we have had about 22 earthquakes. Don't worry, many have been less than a 2, with four being greater than a 3 with the highest being a 3.8. Believe me, living about 1-2 miles from several fault lines and living in a two story home...we feel it, but that is another blog.

I want to thank my dear friends Meghan and Angie for becoming a blogger. Meghan, I have known for years, and well, she wants everyone to blog. She is a fantastic friend and an inspirational person in more ways the one. She introduced me to Angie,  via blog. Angie is awesome and also extremely inspirational. I encourage you to check out her blog.  http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

One of Angie's blog post, encouraged you to break something and put it back together, listening to what the Lord would reveal to you.  Wow, what an amazing experience, healing. Have you ever felt so broken from a heartache, loneliness, failure, abandonment, disappointment, rejection, death of a loved one, regrets, bad decisions...and so on. So broken you just can't face another day...I have and it aches beyond repair. Is your heart in a million pieces?

Does it hurt just to breath?

Break something!

Now, put it back together.

I broke my plate on Thursday. At first, I sort of tossed it at the wall. It only broke in three pieces. Not good enough, so I threw it with all my might against the wall...shattered!

I gathered all my pieces and tried to put two together with my glue gun, which by the way, didn't work. The pieces wouldn't stick together. Trip to the store, purchased two different types of glue...lets try this again.

Much better, I was able to get the pieces together, but had to hold them FOREVER or the pieces would fall apart. Because the process of holding took so long, my plate wasn't completed till this morning.

During the days of working on this plate, I spent time listening to Country and Christian music, and talking to God. I told God how frustrated I was with how long this was taking because I had to hold the pieces for so long.

"Patience" He says.

I reminded Him that I am not the most patient person(as if He didn't already know). I am the child who always asked "are we there yet?" As I continued to glue pieces day after day, time began to fly by. Was I becoming patient?

Just like Angie, I too came face to face with all my mistakes,the disappointments,the sins of my life. I was so angry at myself for walking out on God, believing all that happened to me was His will. I had gotten to the point in my life where I just couldn't take anymore. I blamed God. I thought I was so faithful, and He didn't help me(at least not the way I expected). I quit, just shut down, gave up...I became so numb to life in order to just cope with life. Angela Thomas, in her book, Do You Think I'm Beautiful says: "You are teaching yourself not to feel anything, and in doing so, you're missing everything."

While working on my plate, I told God how sorry I was for leaving. I begged Him to help me get back to Him, to forgive me for blaming Him for all the broken pieces in my life. I don't want to miss everything!

As I looked at my finished plate I saw many broken pieces. There were holes in my plate where I couldn't find the pieces to fit.
Could I have put some pieces in the wrong place?

How am I going to fix it?

Where will I find the pieces?

How will I ever fill those holes in my plate, in my life!

My plate really isn't complete...my life full of holes, waiting to be filled.

Here is what God said to me:

Marylea, do you not see what I see? It is beautiful and so are you! Don't worry I have forgiven you, I have never left you. Don't try to fill the holes, let me do it....trust me! Bring it to me. I hear you, I always hear you...you must try to hear me. You are special today and everyday!

Do it...break something...trust the potter to help you rebuild.

Paul's prayer for the Ephesians were as follows:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Ephesians 4:16-19

My Pastor today said something that reminded me how great Jesus love and sacrifice is.

"He ransomed his life so that I may be saved." Thank you Jesus!

You see, through my brokenness, God can do His best work! I've walked away from God for over 10 years, and upon my return, He ran to me with open arms. I am trying to grasp His love for me. Trying to understand Grace. For me, it's always been about what I can do to earn God's love. As a result, I've never felt I lived up. I believed, He was so disappointed that He abandoned me. In actuality, I abandoned Him.

I look forward to this journey back in the arms of Christ. I am nervous, fearful of the devils retaliation, and hopeful all at the same time. Thanks for joining me in this journey.

I should warn you...I am not the best writer...my husband says I have a tendency to write my thoughts, forgetting all about punctuation...forgive me.