Don't Lie

For a little over a week now, these two words have echoed though my mind.

As a parent to five children, honesty one of many values I've tried to instill.


"Don't lie to me, you'll only get in deeper trouble".

"Don't lie, as one lie leads to another".

I realized that while truth is something I've stressed, I've also unintentionally encouraged my children, to lie.

How many of you with young children have heard them remark at one time or another something undesirable to someone and have unconsciously encouraged a lie? Young children are so honest, purely innocent, until we make it otherwise. They say things like...

"You have a fat belly, is there a baby in there?"

"Your butt jiggles when you walk."

"You smell funny, you need a bath."

When we hear our children say things like this, we shudder. And more often than not, in a round about way, we encourage lying. We tell our children they cannot say those things because it hurts their feelings, or "that's not nice". Our intent is to teach our children when it's important to "keep quiet". I'm not quite sure how it happens, but I think somewhere in raising our children we may unconsciously encourage lying. You know that "little white lie" won't hurt anyone. Keeping quite is by far better the better choice when truth may hurt someone. But lying, is clearly not the best option. "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

About a week ago, I told what I felt was a "little white lie". What I found out is...a lie is a lie!

Just as scripture tells us that to hate your brother is the same as murder, the Lord gently reminded me, through consequences...a "little white lie" is a lie...a sin.

At first, I truly believed lying was acceptable, as the outcome wouldn't change. I convinced myself that to lie even though the Spirit was convicting me otherwise.

As the Spirit revealed the error of my ways, I asked myself...

"Why did you lie"? Fear!
Fear of consequences and fear of retaliation towards an innocent person.

Fear birthed protection, protection birthed the lie.

Again, back to my children. I couldn't help but realize that in some circumstances, like me, their lie is from fear. Mostly, fear of consequences. I started re-examining my heart in this situation, as right before my very eyes, this one lie, began to snowball out of control. One lie, lead to another, then another...finally...CONFESSION!

I've always told my children, if you tell the truth your consequences won't be as severe. This doesn't mean there won't be consequences as a result of your wrong (sin).

Ephesians 5:13 But everything exposed by the light become visible.

Jesus is the light, and through the Holy Spirit, He exposed in me what's needed to change. Yes, there were consequences, but God is rich in mercy.

A few days later, my son and I were on our way to the orthodontist. He had lost a bracket, several days prior. They always lecture about the importance of coming in right away to get that taken care of. I don't like going back and forth to the orthodontist. In the car on the way, I told my son to tell them he just lost the bracket this morning. LIE! Immediately...the light! I couldn't believe I actually encouraged my teenage son to lie. Ugh! Yes, I did the right thing. But why a lie? There was no fear, I just didn't want to hear the lecture.

This was a wonderful moment for both my son and I. He got to witness how imperfect I am.  How I humbled and became obedient to the Lord. Most importantly, he saw the Lord's grace as we told the truth. There were no lectures.

For me, the most beautiful moment is; my son, who doesn't know the Lord, saw the Lord through me. Now that's awesome!!

The "In" Crowd

I believe everyone at one point or another, desires to feel...."A sense of belonging"

Ever feel invisible, even though you are a part of something (family, club, work, church)? Have you felt excluded?

It seems to start at a very young age, often when we start school.

You can't be in our group...

-cause you have short hair.

-your fat.

-your clothes are ugly.

-you're a Jesus freak.

The list goes on and on!

I remember as a child desperately wanting to belong, to be significant in some way. From my experience, rejection or feeling excluded, whether real or just my perception, left me feeling invisible.

We all want to feel accepted. Sadly, the way we perceive acceptance by others, more often than not, is when we are included in a group, activity, recognized/acknowledged in some way, or told we're valued.

I've recently felt this way. It's a little different for me now as an adult. I tried to talk myself out of how I felt, give people the benefit of the doubt. But, just like when I was a child...I couldn't help but become consumed by thoughts of "what's wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me anymore?" What soon followed, was feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and entitlement.

I've come to realize, these feelings arose out of my need for acceptance and self-esteem. Websters defines self-esteem as: a reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance. I'm not sure I believe self-esteem and self-worth are interchangeable here. For me, self-esteem is based more on accomplishments or achievements. Self-worth is where you feel worthwhile and valued in this world. I believe it's created in our mind, belief system, and by others...it's here you feel/know you are loved, accepted.

Aren't we all are guilty of  "excluding" someone? 

I had to take a step away my perceived thoughts and ask myself...
"What is true?"

"What is a lie?"

My Pastor once said; 'put your hope and trust in this world, in people, you will always be disappointed".

Truth- I am valued so much that Christ gave His life for me. Therefore,  I should live my life with complete confidence in who I am in Christ. That I'm just passing through this world and the best is yet to come~Amen!

You see, I realized...

It's not about me!


It doesn't matter whether I'm in the "in" crowd or not. Regardless of how others treat me, what matters is I love others no matter what, because....

1John 4:7 He first loved us.

Galatians 4:14 Love your neighbor as yourself.

1John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. 23 And this is His command: to believe in the name if His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us.

You see, it's not about me or you...it's about understanding that we were first loved by God as a sinner(always a sinner) and out of that love, Jesus sacrificed His life that we might belong to the Kingdom of God. And because Christ lives in us, it's Christ love that shines through us to others, all for HIS glory! It's really about following Christ way of loving others.

Funny thing...prompted by the Lord, I started this post Monday(just never posted) and today (Sunday) my Pastor's message was about how to love as Jesus does...

Apparently, someone is trying to get my attention!

I'll close with scripture that just came to me...

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

My First...

 This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe.  Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat.  I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me).  As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good.  I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance. 

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
 ⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me.  The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks.  The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

 I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future.  He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch. 

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God.  It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area.  Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him.  Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer." 

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing, our sins covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups.  I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart.  They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life.  I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!

The Power of Your Name

I'm not sure where to begin...This week my emotions have literally gone from one extreme to the other. I've wrestled with anger and joy, bitterness and empathy, sorrow and blessedness. I suppose, I've mostly struggled with understanding God's will in certain situations.

Saturday, August 28th was one of the best days of my life....I was baptized. I've been baptized twice before, once as an infant, and again at 31. The first time, I really had no understanding of what baptism meant. Even as I became older, I believed I was baptized as an infant so in the event of my death, I would go to heaven. The second time, I was baptized because I was lead to believe it was the right thing to do. If I was baptized (my works), God would be well pleased. Again, I would go to heaven.

So...what was so different about this time? I realized I don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. I clearly understand that Jesus death on the cross was a ransom for all who have sinned. He paid the cost for all the sin in the world. He exchanged my sin stained life, for His righteousness. I don't have to wait to be loved till I'm perfect, He loves a wretch like me! He SAVED me!

As I came up out of the water, I felt so secure in the Lord. It's really difficult for me to put it into words.

I woke up Sunday feeling great. However, when I went to work I felt like Job. It seemed as though Satan said "let me show you how quickly she can turn from you." And God said, "give it your best shot."

Being a NICU nurse has it's rewards, yet, can produce the most profound anger, doubt, and sadness. It's so hard to watch a mother who has fought to hold on to the precious life inside of her. The guilt, agony, and difficulty in understanding...watching her tiny little baby struggle for life. She begs and pleads with the Lord, to save her precious child. Day by day, hour after hour, parents come into the unit to see, touch, smell, the new addition to their lives. We get to know these families, they become a part of our lives. We share in the triumphs and are saddened by the set backs. Often we explain the journey in the NICU will be that of a "roller coaster." We provide hope. Parents put their trust in us to care and protect their baby in their absence. They call often, (interrupting our day) to get an update on their baby.  "Is he/she sleeping?" "Tell him/her that I love them." At the end of their stay, if all goes well, the baby goes home with their parents. I love this part!! Parents keep in touch, sending updated photo's and often stopping by...so awesome!

Sadly, there are times when the baby goes home to our Heavenly Father. Here is were the struggle as a NICU nurse comes in to play. When you have parents like the one's above, you mourn with them. You cry, you hug, you pray. They ask "why?"...You have no answer. Silently, I tell myself...the Lord has a plan. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Proverbs 3:5.

It's so hard at times...our understanding is from a flesh perspective, His...Divine.

A very dear friend of mine, a NICU nurse as well, once said something I found myself saying Sunday... "Mom's who do drugs when pregnant SUCK!"

Yes, my job Sunday was to care for a baby who's mother did drugs during her pregnancy.  This sweet baby, was now dying as a result of her sin. This baby almost never felt the touch of mommy or daddy. Rarely heard their voice. In fact most of the time, it was our voices, our touch this small life experienced. Today, I was fighting to save this little life.  I fought with the Lord..."WHY?" "I can't do this again...please!" Satan was good, he knew exactly where to take me. For over 8 hours I tried to contact the parents...my anger stirred even further. For two days, I fought to save this baby's life, which ended at 5:21 pm Monday.

I fought the urge to extend compassion to the parents who appeared to be saddened by the loss of their baby. As I watched them hold their baby...I saw this sweet child in the arms of Jesus. Although, I couldn't mutter the words, "I'm sorry for your loss." I suddenly realized...they had no clothes, no camera.  I gathered up clothes, a blanket, and a disposable camera, in attempt to create a memory for them.

I tried so hard not to be angry with this mother, who was still living the lifestyle she did during her pregnancy. I struggled with understanding what the Lord wanted from me. The memories of two other sweet babies came to mind...the tears, the agony! Why am I doing this again?

Last night at recovery, I understood His message. So silly...How could I miss it? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night on the way home from recovery...the same song has played over and over.

The Power of Your Name

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet

I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

I am a NICU nurse because it's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It's here in the midst of brokenness, I am to carry His compassion, to be His hands and feet...To love a world that's broken.

On Tuesday, I watched, as this amazing family loved a world that's broken. Over the last few weeks I had the privilege of meeting Merrill and Roberta Simon. They are amazing.  They have adopted 18, now 19 children. All not wanted, many born of mothers who did drugs during pregnancy. They were done adopting babies, but the Lord had other plans for them.  Tuesday, they took home another baby to be apart of their family. While "Montana" was in our unit, Roberta would drive an hour to visit this precious boy. I got to know her. I sat in awe as she shared stories of each and every adopted child.  She knows them so well...every inch of them. You can follow their story on her blog...you'll be blessed, I promise!

I'm not surprised at all over how very blessed I am. In light of all the emotions I've gone through over the past few days...I find hope in Paul's words:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:7-10.

I'm troubled

Yesterday a friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook. As I watched, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw myself in this video.

I grew up in a Christian home, yet I didn't know the Lord. Many family members prayed diligently to Him and believed in Him with their heart and soul. Yet, for me, I saw the Lord as someone who had high expectations of me I knew I could never meet. I thought He was this big eye in the sky watching every move I made, frowning upon me, turning His back on me. I would pray for Him to give me the desires of my heart...nothing. I just couldn't fully trust this great and powerful being, so why bother. It wasn't until just recently, I came to know the Lord, my God, my Savior. You can read about it here.

As I watched this video, I was reminded how easy we fall pray to the enemy. Every aspect of this video was and at times, still is my life. It was here, Satan, knowing my lack of knowledge and trust in the Lord, held me captive. So much so, that at one point in my teen years I tried to take my life. I was so desperate for acceptance, that I was willing to do anything. I decided to take the wide road because it was easier. I fell under the pressures of peers, men, alcohol, drugs, all which lead to depression. I wanted what I wanted and pursued those desires eventually making them my idols. I am so thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. I was once lost but, now I am found.

What troubles me...so many, young and old, don't know the Lord. Or, like me, they don't understand the desires of His heart. We are called as Christians, to share with those who don't know, or who have wondered away from the Lord, about His unconditional love, His grace, His sacrifice. By sharing our testimony about the Lord with others, one person may come to know Him...Amen!

I have two grown children and three teens. Sadly, because of my past belief, during their younger years, I never spoke of the Lord's love for me, for them. I'm troubled that they too may be held captive by the enemy. I'm sharing my love for the Lord with them now, I pray for them, but ultimately, they must believe and trust in Him.

I'm troubled as I think of the many who are smoothered by what they believe will make them happy. By those who fail to see the Lord standing on the side lines of their lives reaching out to them. Toubled that many will never run to His arms. Troubled for those who believe the Lord is the cause of their pain. Troubled for those who don't know the truth.
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, He SAVED me. Psalm 115:5-6

I have a request, would you take time to pray for those who don't yet know or trust the Lord. For the many that are trapped by the devil's grip.



But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Have a safe and blessed 4th.

50

Today I start a new decade of my life. The past few decades left me bitter, resentful, and empty. I struggled to find my purpose in life, honestly...I'm still not certain of what that is. One thing I am certain...He knows.

I'm struggling, wondering why it took me till 50 to feel and understand the Lord's love and grace for me. I struggle, thinking...wouldn't it have been better for me to know this years ago that I might pass it on to my children? So much pain could have been avoided. I'm reminded that it's His timing, not mine. His purpose, not mine. Still in my human nature, I wish it had been sooner.

So much has changed for me since the first of the year. I made a decision to seek Him diligently and I found Him. Often I would hear others express how they hear the Lord speaking to them. Honestly, my response...psst, okay, sure!

I use to think He only spoke to those worthy. I use to think He speaks with this great voice, you know like when He spoke to Moses. I never saw this burning bush, or heard that thunderous voice. I just couldn't grasp what people were saying, until now.

The Lord speaks to us in ways we understand, in ways only we can hear Him, in ways that are unique only to us. For me, I hear Him in books I read, songs, biblical stories, and when others share an experience with me. The first few times I recognized Him speaking to me, actually blew my mind. And yes, He speaks to those of us who feel unworthy, for all are worthy in His eyes.

For so long I held on to bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt over so many circumstances in my life. I held on to my unforgiving heart. I felt so stained by my sins, believing I would never be forgiven I stayed in the darkness...because it's what I deserved. As a result, I did it my way. I tried to control my destiny and that of my family. Everything became, all about me.

In February I started the Celebrate Recovery program at church. Coupled with my devotion to His word, a change has started in my heart, in my life. A change that comes from the Lord's unconditional love and grace for me.

I was desperate for change, as a result,it was time. Time for the Lord to show me how great His love and forgiveness is. I wish I could describe it so all can understand, I simply can't. But, when you feel it, you'll know exactly what I mean. Because He loves me so...I want to give that love back.

How do I do this? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31

For so long I fought against the greatest commandment because of my entitlement attitude. You love me first, then I will love you. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19.

Because He loves me so much, He waited for me. He waited till He knew I would be ready to receive all He had to say to me. This has not been a painless process. No, it's been quite painful. As He has revealed my sinful ways, He is creating in me a new self.

A recent story I read, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, is where the Lord has recently spoken the loudest to me. Without giving much of the story away, I want to share a few things with you.

There is a situation where Corrie at the age of nine or ten ask her father a question. He doesn't answer right away, but waits for the perfect timing (Something the Lord does, His timing). He ask Corrie to carry his train case which is full. She tries, but responds by saying "I can't, it's too heavy!" He says, "How cruel it would be for a father to let a little girl carry such a load." He then explains, "Sometimes knowledge is this way. Some knowledge is to heavy for children to carry, when you're older you can carry it, but for now, let me carry it." I realize the Lord is like this, He carries the load until He knows we are ready. I also realized that far to often, I let my children carry my train case, when I should have carried that load. It's here, I think..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

Another big moment for me was when Corrie's father tries to comfort her broken heart. He explains, "love is the strongest force in the world, and when it's blocked that means pain. There are two things you can do when this happens. Kill the love so it stops hurting, but then of course, a part of you dies too. Or, ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. If you ask Him, He will give you a love nothing can prevent or destroy. Whenever we can't love the human way, God can give us the perfect way." WOW!!

This made me realize so often in my life, I killed the love because of my bitterness, anger, resentment, controlling, perfectionist, entitlement attitude. As a result, a part of myself and those that I loved died. Again..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

But, I didn't.

But, I do now!!

For me to continue to live in the past, to allow it to hold me captive, forever trapped in darkness, Satan would win. But, I now have the light... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12.

The final thing spoken to me in this story is about forgiveness. Corrie struggled to forgive a man who had done much wrong to her, to others. She prayed, "I cannot forgive this man, Lord give me your strength to forgive." The moment she took this man's hand she understood, "it's not on our forgiveness any more than our goodness that the worlds healing hinges, but on HIS! When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself!"
So, I begin my 50's with new knowledge...Love is the greatest force in the world.

Sometimes love hurts and when it does I can ask the Lord to give me His way to love, the perfect way.

After all, He loves me more than I can ever imagine.

He loves me enough to carry my train case.

He loves me enough to let me try it my way.

He loves me enough to forgive me of my sins.

He loves me enough to sacrifice life that I may have life.

To forgive me when I leave Him.

To accept me back, no questions asked, with open arms.

PAID IN FULL

Almost 35 years ago, I bought my first car. A forest green 1973 Mercury Capri. My father graciously agreed to co-sign a loan for me for two years. Afraid to risk ruining my credit, I diligently paid my car payments every month. Besides, my father told me "you miss a payment, I take the car."

I remember how excited I was to show my friends my car. (You really don't think of the bank as owning your car at that age). Even though I had the car in my possession, I didn't quite own it. I was required to regularly make payments. Once the final payment was made, I received the loan document with the words...PAID IN FULL stamped across. It was at that moment, I realized I owned my car free and clear, all for a hefty price. (Well, hefty for a 17 year old).

This was my first real experience with a major purchase. I remember how much I had to sacrifice to maintain those payments on a monthly basis. In the end, to me, it was worth every sacrifice.

A lot has happened during these last few weeks in Recovery, the most important-getting to know Jesus at a much more intimate level.

Good Friday and the events that take place leading up to Easter Suday moves me emotionally. What makes this time so emotional for me, Christ on the cross. At this scene, I weep inconsolably. It's so difficult for me, it shames me to know that He made the final payment for my sins, for my salvation. I just don't feel worthy and I can't understand why I can't be good. How many times will He forgive me...Seventy times seven. Will there ever be a sin for which there is no forgiveness?

What I've realized is He's forgiven...

The adulterous "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:11

A sinful women "Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48

A criminal "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:4

All who crucified Him "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."
Luke 23:34

There are so many more situations where He has forgiven.

I no longer have to make monthly payments for my sins, Christ made the final payment for me. His ransomed life redeemed my salvation. I didn't have to sacrifice anything, He sacrificed for me. An ultimate sacrifice...He laid down His life for me. Why?

I've been trying to wrap my brain around this. What makes me so special?

In Websters, the word ransom, when used as a verb means: to deliver. Free from captivity or punishment by paying a price.

Why? Because God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. John 3:16-17

God gave His Son. When we give something to someone, it's a gift. God has graciously given us the gift of eternal life through Jesus. There are no strings attached, no cost to me...it's GRACE!

What makes me so special? I am created by God, for God. He has a purpose for me. That purpose, to live my life by GRACE.

God knows we are all sinners by nature, He knows we will continue to sin. Something I've come to realize through Recovery is GRACE. God has resurfaced some of my past sins, as a result, I have confessed some of them. You know what I've received...forgiveness, freedom, and unconditional love. That's GRACE! No matter how much I can't forgive myself, God forgives me, and Christ shed His blood for me.

Jesus life and death was for one purpose, to free all from captivity by suffering the punishment in our behalf. What did it cost me-nothing. What did it cost Jesus- His life. Why did He do it...for love. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:12

As I sit at the Cross, I am deeply moved by this unmerited love Jesus has shed for me. To Jesus, I'm worth the sacrifice. He has made the final payment...my salvation... PAID IN FULL!

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's GRACE that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
Ephesians 1:7-8

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His GRACE, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith-and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:6-8