Me, really?

Four years ago Friday I wrote my first post. It was my birthday. For many years prior I had been in this battle with my understanding of who God was/is. I was blessed with two very strong christian women in my life, Meghan and Lindsey. Both never pushed "religion" or God on me, they just displayed His character, extended love, mercy, and grace.

Meghan displayed faith in the Lord I couldn't understand during the suffering of a dear little man many of us in the NICU grew to love deeply. She never wavered in her faith in the Lord, even when he went to our Heavenly Father. Through her blog, I stumbled upon another woman's blog, Angie Smith. Again, in the midst of her suffering, her faith in the Lord was breathtaking. It was through Angie's blog, I met another woman, Jill Samter. The list goes on and on. I watch these women struggle with not understanding God's will, but still loving Him and trusting Him regardless of their circumstances. Secretly, I envied them. I wondered why God didn't love me like them. Why He abandoned me.  I wanted to have faith like they did, like that of a mustard seed. So small, yet when sown is so big.

Lindsey is my neighbor and one of my best friends. On many occasions she would invite me to church, Grace church. I often spoke negatively about God, church, religion, but not once did she judge or try to change my mind. Her character and the way she loved me was gentle in spirit, humble, Christ like. Many years later, after that first invite, I attended Grace church. It was different than what I was use to. People were wearing jeans...really? Their was this amazing band playing loud, awesome worship music. The messages the pastor gave was really...thought provoking. He would often say, "don't take my word for it, got to scripture, read."
I liked it...a lot!

I started attending the women's bible study. Loved, loved, loved it. Then, the pastor mentioned a new ministry that would soon be starting, Recovery. "Everyone has something to recover from, addiction, loss of a loved one, abuse, divorce..." I attended the first meeting and have been going ever since.

Funny how God works. You see, He used these women, the church, the ministry's to reach me. Because of these women, I started to desire to know God. I was starting to understand prior to writing my first post, but secretly I still struggled with believing, with trusting. I also couldn't stop searching, reading, yearning for Him.

For most of my life, I struggled with depression. I also struggled with really believing God loves me, accepts me...a sinner. During this time, while searching, I struggled hard. Stuggled with fear, doubt, being
unworthy. The enemy didn't like where I was going. You can read some of those struggles here on this blog.

Almost two years after I started to yearn after God, one night, while in Recovery, He saved me. I have been forever changed. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

Ephesians 2:1-10 And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ by grace you have been saved, and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (emphasis mine).

Today, I'm blessed beyond what I ever thought possible. I'm very involved in the Recovery ministry at church. I get to watch God work in the lives of the women and men in this ministry. How awesome is that!! I've been told by others, He has spoken through me to them. At first I use to think...me, really? Today, I don't doubt that, the Lord continues to speak to me through many brothers and sisters in Christ.

With another birthday approaching, the lenses in which I see my life are different now. I still struggle, but like those women God placed in my life years ago, I struggle with confidence and faith that He will never leave nor forsake me. That He calms the storms, walks with me through fire, pulls me up from that pit, carries me when I am weak. I trust His hands to mold me, to hold me. I am so richly blessed.

My prayer for you...be still, listen. You never know who He's using to speak to you, or who through you He's speaking to.