The "In" Crowd

I believe everyone at one point or another, desires to feel...."A sense of belonging"

Ever feel invisible, even though you are a part of something (family, club, work, church)? Have you felt excluded?

It seems to start at a very young age, often when we start school.

You can't be in our group...

-cause you have short hair.

-your fat.

-your clothes are ugly.

-you're a Jesus freak.

The list goes on and on!

I remember as a child desperately wanting to belong, to be significant in some way. From my experience, rejection or feeling excluded, whether real or just my perception, left me feeling invisible.

We all want to feel accepted. Sadly, the way we perceive acceptance by others, more often than not, is when we are included in a group, activity, recognized/acknowledged in some way, or told we're valued.

I've recently felt this way. It's a little different for me now as an adult. I tried to talk myself out of how I felt, give people the benefit of the doubt. But, just like when I was a child...I couldn't help but become consumed by thoughts of "what's wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me anymore?" What soon followed, was feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and entitlement.

I've come to realize, these feelings arose out of my need for acceptance and self-esteem. Websters defines self-esteem as: a reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance. I'm not sure I believe self-esteem and self-worth are interchangeable here. For me, self-esteem is based more on accomplishments or achievements. Self-worth is where you feel worthwhile and valued in this world. I believe it's created in our mind, belief system, and by others...it's here you feel/know you are loved, accepted.

Aren't we all are guilty of  "excluding" someone? 

I had to take a step away my perceived thoughts and ask myself...
"What is true?"

"What is a lie?"

My Pastor once said; 'put your hope and trust in this world, in people, you will always be disappointed".

Truth- I am valued so much that Christ gave His life for me. Therefore,  I should live my life with complete confidence in who I am in Christ. That I'm just passing through this world and the best is yet to come~Amen!

You see, I realized...

It's not about me!


It doesn't matter whether I'm in the "in" crowd or not. Regardless of how others treat me, what matters is I love others no matter what, because....

1John 4:7 He first loved us.

Galatians 4:14 Love your neighbor as yourself.

1John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. 23 And this is His command: to believe in the name if His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us.

You see, it's not about me or you...it's about understanding that we were first loved by God as a sinner(always a sinner) and out of that love, Jesus sacrificed His life that we might belong to the Kingdom of God. And because Christ lives in us, it's Christ love that shines through us to others, all for HIS glory! It's really about following Christ way of loving others.

Funny thing...prompted by the Lord, I started this post Monday(just never posted) and today (Sunday) my Pastor's message was about how to love as Jesus does...

Apparently, someone is trying to get my attention!

I'll close with scripture that just came to me...

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

A Gift

I woke this Christmas morning, with a blog post prepared in advanced for today. But then, yesterday happened....

It's Christmas Eve, I'm working. My job...taking care of tiny babes. During this week, in the NICU we have been busy creating footprint ornaments and Christmas photographs of the babies to give as a gift to the parents. One by one, I placed these memories created of their precious little babes at the bedside. As the day began, parents arrived.

I watched...

The Christmas Spirit unfolding right before my very eyes.

A young mother, tears stream down her face as she held the ornament in her hands.

Another...tears as she holds her baby. She's being discharged home today, her baby must stay. She'll wake Christmas morning with no babe in her arms. She cuddles him, nestles in the chair, soon she's asleep.

A father leans into the isolette and smells his new born baby. "I just love the smell of new life," he says.

A mother at her babes bedside, tears stream down her face. He's been here a while, almost three months. We embrace, we cry. Her husband is in another Country, her babe in the hospital. Another mother waking on Christmas morning empty handed. As she holds her baby, she looks at the pictures we've taken...smiles, laughter, more tears.

Another family, one I've known for 96 days arrived with gifts for other families they've met during their stay. Their faces are full of joy today, it's possible their babe will be going home on Tuesday.  They've been through so much! I've grown to love this family. As we talk, I fight to hold back the tears. I'm trying to figure out how to let go...

As I lay my head down for the night, visions of Christmas past fill my thoughts. I remember those late nights...last minute wrapping, waiting for children to fall asleep so that I may place the gifts from him (Santa) under the tree.

Then early in the mornings...sometimes 3am, a child would rush to my bed..."He came! He came!"

I can't lie...I miss those days. The excitement as the children open their gifts.  The frustration as we (my husband and I) assemble many toys. The exhaustion. The family gatherings.

The past few years, I've seen things differently.

But, something really changed for me this year...

While my three children are still nestled in their beds.

I hardly doubt visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

It hit me...

I wish I knew Jesus then, as I do now.

I wish my children would wake up saying...He came! He came! And be speaking of the Christ Child, not Santa.

This has been an extraordinary year.

I started this year in search of truth. Exhausted from trying to battle life by my own power, as my own god, I hungered for peace, joy, love, forgiveness, life, freedom, grace...

As the Christmas season comes upon us...I see things so differently.

Memories of childhood Christmas past...the gifts, so many. Ripping open packages, one after the other, from the eyes of my youth...it was pure delight, joy! It seemed as if I always got everything I ever wanted, yet I always wanted more.

My childhood turns to parenthood, and the joy of getting is replaced by the joy of giving...yet, my heart still yearns for more. Don't misunderstand, I love giving...but, as I look back, the motive wasn't always good.

This year I have grasped a new understanding of the true meaning of Christmas, the greatest gift ever given...Christ.

Christmas is a time where many celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We all know, Christ wasn't born on December 25th., it's just a day that's been selected to celebrate His birth.

Why celebrate?

I want to share a few things I've come to realize about this precious gift...

From the beginning, creation...God already had His plan in place for our salvation.
Genesis 3:15 "And I will put an enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Her offspring-Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 speaks of God's promise of the Savior. Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel. Also, Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I've been reading in Matthew and Luke, the story of Christ birth.

Again, I recall the birth of my children, my pregnancies. I can't help but look at things through the human eyes of Mary. Mary, so faithful to God, so trusting, was humbled to honor God's plan. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38  I can imagine how difficult it must have been for a young women, a virgin, not yet married, to be fully exposed to the judgement of society.

I place myself at the Inn where Mary, already laboring is told there is no room. As I rearranged furniture in my living and dining room to make space for our tree, I remember thinking to myself in my frustration...it's so crowded in here...there's just no room for anything! Then it hit me...how petty! Mary had no home, no bed. Joseph gathers hay in the stable; a bed for Mary as she gives birth. She births her firstborn son, wraps Him in cloths and places Him in a manger.

Fast forward to 2010. As a NICU nurse, I have attended many deliveries, not in a stable...but a comfortable, warm, controlled environment of the hospital.  The baby is placed on a warmer (not an animal trough), cleaned and bundled, then handed to his mother. I think about the difference in the births of today, than the one Mary had. I can't help but be in awe over Mary's faith and trust in God.



I think about the similarities. Did Joseph, love the smell of Jesus...THE LIFE.

Did Mary shed tears of joy as she held her babe? Can you picture her snuggled in the hay, lying on her side...baby Jesus in her arms?  Can you?

As the babe lay in the manger, in fields nearby, an angel appears to the shepherds. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

The shepherds go to Bethlehem to see this babe. After they saw Jesus, they spread the word about what the angel had told them about this Child. Many were amazed by what the shepherds said. Something stood out for me, that hasn't before...

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I can't help but wonder, Mary knows Jesus is the Son of God, but does she grasp the full meaning of  His purpose?

My youngest is fourteen. At twelve Jesus had begun preparing for His purpose.

What is the meaning of the Christmas Spirit? For many, this time of year can be depressing. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, memories of loved one's lost. The pressure of trying to find the perfect gift for others. We become so focus on what we don't have, we lose sight of what we do have...isn't that what the Christmas Spirit is all about?





This year, my oldest son came to me and said he didn't want me to buy him gifts this year. He wanted me to use that money to give to another family in need.  He said, "I have everything I need, anything else is just a want. I've been thinking about how many people don't have what I have, I want to give."

It hit me...I never really spoke to my children during their formative years about Jesus. But this year, Jesus has become the center of my life. I've changed. Do they feel it? Do they see Him in me?

One by one, as my children heard of what my son wanted to do...they too shared the same desire. Christmas gifts were selected and presented.  They don't know it yet, but someday, when they look back...they'll understand, they'll feel the Christmas Spirit. Both my children and the children who received, will realize it's not about the toy...it's about what was felt in their heart.

The Christmas Spirit is that of...

Love

Light

Hope

Peace

It's understanding, that all these things come from one of the most precious gifts God has bestowed upon mankind...

A babe...Jesus!

Jesus was born with a purpose, to die that we may have life. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2Corintians 5:21

You can't look at the birth of Jesus and not look at the cross.

His life, the cross, and resurrection portrays...

Suffering and healing. Jesus suffering for our healing. His death on the cross, His separation from God the Father...such anguish for one man to bear. It's by His wounds we are healed!

Rejection and triumph. How many betrayed and rejected Jesus? In His human nature, He surely felt rejected by God the Father. He begged God to take this cup from Him...yet, "not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. An empty tomb...triumph...VICTORY!


                       HE CAME!  HE CAME!



Merry Christmas!

My First...

 This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe.  Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat.  I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me).  As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good.  I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance. 

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
 ⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me.  The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks.  The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

 I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future.  He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch. 

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God.  It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area.  Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him.  Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer." 

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing, our sins covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups.  I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart.  They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life.  I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!