The "In" Crowd

I believe everyone at one point or another, desires to feel...."A sense of belonging"

Ever feel invisible, even though you are a part of something (family, club, work, church)? Have you felt excluded?

It seems to start at a very young age, often when we start school.

You can't be in our group...

-cause you have short hair.

-your fat.

-your clothes are ugly.

-you're a Jesus freak.

The list goes on and on!

I remember as a child desperately wanting to belong, to be significant in some way. From my experience, rejection or feeling excluded, whether real or just my perception, left me feeling invisible.

We all want to feel accepted. Sadly, the way we perceive acceptance by others, more often than not, is when we are included in a group, activity, recognized/acknowledged in some way, or told we're valued.

I've recently felt this way. It's a little different for me now as an adult. I tried to talk myself out of how I felt, give people the benefit of the doubt. But, just like when I was a child...I couldn't help but become consumed by thoughts of "what's wrong with me?" "Why don't they like me anymore?" What soon followed, was feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and entitlement.

I've come to realize, these feelings arose out of my need for acceptance and self-esteem. Websters defines self-esteem as: a reasonable or justifiable sense of one's worth or importance. I'm not sure I believe self-esteem and self-worth are interchangeable here. For me, self-esteem is based more on accomplishments or achievements. Self-worth is where you feel worthwhile and valued in this world. I believe it's created in our mind, belief system, and by others...it's here you feel/know you are loved, accepted.

Aren't we all are guilty of  "excluding" someone? 

I had to take a step away my perceived thoughts and ask myself...
"What is true?"

"What is a lie?"

My Pastor once said; 'put your hope and trust in this world, in people, you will always be disappointed".

Truth- I am valued so much that Christ gave His life for me. Therefore,  I should live my life with complete confidence in who I am in Christ. That I'm just passing through this world and the best is yet to come~Amen!

You see, I realized...

It's not about me!


It doesn't matter whether I'm in the "in" crowd or not. Regardless of how others treat me, what matters is I love others no matter what, because....

1John 4:7 He first loved us.

Galatians 4:14 Love your neighbor as yourself.

1John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. 23 And this is His command: to believe in the name if His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us.

You see, it's not about me or you...it's about understanding that we were first loved by God as a sinner(always a sinner) and out of that love, Jesus sacrificed His life that we might belong to the Kingdom of God. And because Christ lives in us, it's Christ love that shines through us to others, all for HIS glory! It's really about following Christ way of loving others.

Funny thing...prompted by the Lord, I started this post Monday(just never posted) and today (Sunday) my Pastor's message was about how to love as Jesus does...

Apparently, someone is trying to get my attention!

I'll close with scripture that just came to me...

Hebrews 13:1-2 Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.

A Gift

I woke this Christmas morning, with a blog post prepared in advanced for today. But then, yesterday happened....

It's Christmas Eve, I'm working. My job...taking care of tiny babes. During this week, in the NICU we have been busy creating footprint ornaments and Christmas photographs of the babies to give as a gift to the parents. One by one, I placed these memories created of their precious little babes at the bedside. As the day began, parents arrived.

I watched...

The Christmas Spirit unfolding right before my very eyes.

A young mother, tears stream down her face as she held the ornament in her hands.

Another...tears as she holds her baby. She's being discharged home today, her baby must stay. She'll wake Christmas morning with no babe in her arms. She cuddles him, nestles in the chair, soon she's asleep.

A father leans into the isolette and smells his new born baby. "I just love the smell of new life," he says.

A mother at her babes bedside, tears stream down her face. He's been here a while, almost three months. We embrace, we cry. Her husband is in another Country, her babe in the hospital. Another mother waking on Christmas morning empty handed. As she holds her baby, she looks at the pictures we've taken...smiles, laughter, more tears.

Another family, one I've known for 96 days arrived with gifts for other families they've met during their stay. Their faces are full of joy today, it's possible their babe will be going home on Tuesday.  They've been through so much! I've grown to love this family. As we talk, I fight to hold back the tears. I'm trying to figure out how to let go...

As I lay my head down for the night, visions of Christmas past fill my thoughts. I remember those late nights...last minute wrapping, waiting for children to fall asleep so that I may place the gifts from him (Santa) under the tree.

Then early in the mornings...sometimes 3am, a child would rush to my bed..."He came! He came!"

I can't lie...I miss those days. The excitement as the children open their gifts.  The frustration as we (my husband and I) assemble many toys. The exhaustion. The family gatherings.

The past few years, I've seen things differently.

But, something really changed for me this year...

While my three children are still nestled in their beds.

I hardly doubt visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

It hit me...

I wish I knew Jesus then, as I do now.

I wish my children would wake up saying...He came! He came! And be speaking of the Christ Child, not Santa.

This has been an extraordinary year.

I started this year in search of truth. Exhausted from trying to battle life by my own power, as my own god, I hungered for peace, joy, love, forgiveness, life, freedom, grace...

As the Christmas season comes upon us...I see things so differently.

Memories of childhood Christmas past...the gifts, so many. Ripping open packages, one after the other, from the eyes of my youth...it was pure delight, joy! It seemed as if I always got everything I ever wanted, yet I always wanted more.

My childhood turns to parenthood, and the joy of getting is replaced by the joy of giving...yet, my heart still yearns for more. Don't misunderstand, I love giving...but, as I look back, the motive wasn't always good.

This year I have grasped a new understanding of the true meaning of Christmas, the greatest gift ever given...Christ.

Christmas is a time where many celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We all know, Christ wasn't born on December 25th., it's just a day that's been selected to celebrate His birth.

Why celebrate?

I want to share a few things I've come to realize about this precious gift...

From the beginning, creation...God already had His plan in place for our salvation.
Genesis 3:15 "And I will put an enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Her offspring-Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 speaks of God's promise of the Savior. Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel. Also, Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I've been reading in Matthew and Luke, the story of Christ birth.

Again, I recall the birth of my children, my pregnancies. I can't help but look at things through the human eyes of Mary. Mary, so faithful to God, so trusting, was humbled to honor God's plan. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38  I can imagine how difficult it must have been for a young women, a virgin, not yet married, to be fully exposed to the judgement of society.

I place myself at the Inn where Mary, already laboring is told there is no room. As I rearranged furniture in my living and dining room to make space for our tree, I remember thinking to myself in my frustration...it's so crowded in here...there's just no room for anything! Then it hit me...how petty! Mary had no home, no bed. Joseph gathers hay in the stable; a bed for Mary as she gives birth. She births her firstborn son, wraps Him in cloths and places Him in a manger.

Fast forward to 2010. As a NICU nurse, I have attended many deliveries, not in a stable...but a comfortable, warm, controlled environment of the hospital.  The baby is placed on a warmer (not an animal trough), cleaned and bundled, then handed to his mother. I think about the difference in the births of today, than the one Mary had. I can't help but be in awe over Mary's faith and trust in God.



I think about the similarities. Did Joseph, love the smell of Jesus...THE LIFE.

Did Mary shed tears of joy as she held her babe? Can you picture her snuggled in the hay, lying on her side...baby Jesus in her arms?  Can you?

As the babe lay in the manger, in fields nearby, an angel appears to the shepherds. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

The shepherds go to Bethlehem to see this babe. After they saw Jesus, they spread the word about what the angel had told them about this Child. Many were amazed by what the shepherds said. Something stood out for me, that hasn't before...

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I can't help but wonder, Mary knows Jesus is the Son of God, but does she grasp the full meaning of  His purpose?

My youngest is fourteen. At twelve Jesus had begun preparing for His purpose.

What is the meaning of the Christmas Spirit? For many, this time of year can be depressing. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, memories of loved one's lost. The pressure of trying to find the perfect gift for others. We become so focus on what we don't have, we lose sight of what we do have...isn't that what the Christmas Spirit is all about?





This year, my oldest son came to me and said he didn't want me to buy him gifts this year. He wanted me to use that money to give to another family in need.  He said, "I have everything I need, anything else is just a want. I've been thinking about how many people don't have what I have, I want to give."

It hit me...I never really spoke to my children during their formative years about Jesus. But this year, Jesus has become the center of my life. I've changed. Do they feel it? Do they see Him in me?

One by one, as my children heard of what my son wanted to do...they too shared the same desire. Christmas gifts were selected and presented.  They don't know it yet, but someday, when they look back...they'll understand, they'll feel the Christmas Spirit. Both my children and the children who received, will realize it's not about the toy...it's about what was felt in their heart.

The Christmas Spirit is that of...

Love

Light

Hope

Peace

It's understanding, that all these things come from one of the most precious gifts God has bestowed upon mankind...

A babe...Jesus!

Jesus was born with a purpose, to die that we may have life. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2Corintians 5:21

You can't look at the birth of Jesus and not look at the cross.

His life, the cross, and resurrection portrays...

Suffering and healing. Jesus suffering for our healing. His death on the cross, His separation from God the Father...such anguish for one man to bear. It's by His wounds we are healed!

Rejection and triumph. How many betrayed and rejected Jesus? In His human nature, He surely felt rejected by God the Father. He begged God to take this cup from Him...yet, "not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. An empty tomb...triumph...VICTORY!


                       HE CAME!  HE CAME!



Merry Christmas!

I'm troubled

Yesterday a friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook. As I watched, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw myself in this video.

I grew up in a Christian home, yet I didn't know the Lord. Many family members prayed diligently to Him and believed in Him with their heart and soul. Yet, for me, I saw the Lord as someone who had high expectations of me I knew I could never meet. I thought He was this big eye in the sky watching every move I made, frowning upon me, turning His back on me. I would pray for Him to give me the desires of my heart...nothing. I just couldn't fully trust this great and powerful being, so why bother. It wasn't until just recently, I came to know the Lord, my God, my Savior. You can read about it here.

As I watched this video, I was reminded how easy we fall pray to the enemy. Every aspect of this video was and at times, still is my life. It was here, Satan, knowing my lack of knowledge and trust in the Lord, held me captive. So much so, that at one point in my teen years I tried to take my life. I was so desperate for acceptance, that I was willing to do anything. I decided to take the wide road because it was easier. I fell under the pressures of peers, men, alcohol, drugs, all which lead to depression. I wanted what I wanted and pursued those desires eventually making them my idols. I am so thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. I was once lost but, now I am found.

What troubles me...so many, young and old, don't know the Lord. Or, like me, they don't understand the desires of His heart. We are called as Christians, to share with those who don't know, or who have wondered away from the Lord, about His unconditional love, His grace, His sacrifice. By sharing our testimony about the Lord with others, one person may come to know Him...Amen!

I have two grown children and three teens. Sadly, because of my past belief, during their younger years, I never spoke of the Lord's love for me, for them. I'm troubled that they too may be held captive by the enemy. I'm sharing my love for the Lord with them now, I pray for them, but ultimately, they must believe and trust in Him.

I'm troubled as I think of the many who are smoothered by what they believe will make them happy. By those who fail to see the Lord standing on the side lines of their lives reaching out to them. Toubled that many will never run to His arms. Troubled for those who believe the Lord is the cause of their pain. Troubled for those who don't know the truth.
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, He SAVED me. Psalm 115:5-6

I have a request, would you take time to pray for those who don't yet know or trust the Lord. For the many that are trapped by the devil's grip.



But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Have a safe and blessed 4th.

50

Today I start a new decade of my life. The past few decades left me bitter, resentful, and empty. I struggled to find my purpose in life, honestly...I'm still not certain of what that is. One thing I am certain...He knows.

I'm struggling, wondering why it took me till 50 to feel and understand the Lord's love and grace for me. I struggle, thinking...wouldn't it have been better for me to know this years ago that I might pass it on to my children? So much pain could have been avoided. I'm reminded that it's His timing, not mine. His purpose, not mine. Still in my human nature, I wish it had been sooner.

So much has changed for me since the first of the year. I made a decision to seek Him diligently and I found Him. Often I would hear others express how they hear the Lord speaking to them. Honestly, my response...psst, okay, sure!

I use to think He only spoke to those worthy. I use to think He speaks with this great voice, you know like when He spoke to Moses. I never saw this burning bush, or heard that thunderous voice. I just couldn't grasp what people were saying, until now.

The Lord speaks to us in ways we understand, in ways only we can hear Him, in ways that are unique only to us. For me, I hear Him in books I read, songs, biblical stories, and when others share an experience with me. The first few times I recognized Him speaking to me, actually blew my mind. And yes, He speaks to those of us who feel unworthy, for all are worthy in His eyes.

For so long I held on to bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt over so many circumstances in my life. I held on to my unforgiving heart. I felt so stained by my sins, believing I would never be forgiven I stayed in the darkness...because it's what I deserved. As a result, I did it my way. I tried to control my destiny and that of my family. Everything became, all about me.

In February I started the Celebrate Recovery program at church. Coupled with my devotion to His word, a change has started in my heart, in my life. A change that comes from the Lord's unconditional love and grace for me.

I was desperate for change, as a result,it was time. Time for the Lord to show me how great His love and forgiveness is. I wish I could describe it so all can understand, I simply can't. But, when you feel it, you'll know exactly what I mean. Because He loves me so...I want to give that love back.

How do I do this? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31

For so long I fought against the greatest commandment because of my entitlement attitude. You love me first, then I will love you. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19.

Because He loves me so much, He waited for me. He waited till He knew I would be ready to receive all He had to say to me. This has not been a painless process. No, it's been quite painful. As He has revealed my sinful ways, He is creating in me a new self.

A recent story I read, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, is where the Lord has recently spoken the loudest to me. Without giving much of the story away, I want to share a few things with you.

There is a situation where Corrie at the age of nine or ten ask her father a question. He doesn't answer right away, but waits for the perfect timing (Something the Lord does, His timing). He ask Corrie to carry his train case which is full. She tries, but responds by saying "I can't, it's too heavy!" He says, "How cruel it would be for a father to let a little girl carry such a load." He then explains, "Sometimes knowledge is this way. Some knowledge is to heavy for children to carry, when you're older you can carry it, but for now, let me carry it." I realize the Lord is like this, He carries the load until He knows we are ready. I also realized that far to often, I let my children carry my train case, when I should have carried that load. It's here, I think..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

Another big moment for me was when Corrie's father tries to comfort her broken heart. He explains, "love is the strongest force in the world, and when it's blocked that means pain. There are two things you can do when this happens. Kill the love so it stops hurting, but then of course, a part of you dies too. Or, ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. If you ask Him, He will give you a love nothing can prevent or destroy. Whenever we can't love the human way, God can give us the perfect way." WOW!!

This made me realize so often in my life, I killed the love because of my bitterness, anger, resentment, controlling, perfectionist, entitlement attitude. As a result, a part of myself and those that I loved died. Again..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

But, I didn't.

But, I do now!!

For me to continue to live in the past, to allow it to hold me captive, forever trapped in darkness, Satan would win. But, I now have the light... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12.

The final thing spoken to me in this story is about forgiveness. Corrie struggled to forgive a man who had done much wrong to her, to others. She prayed, "I cannot forgive this man, Lord give me your strength to forgive." The moment she took this man's hand she understood, "it's not on our forgiveness any more than our goodness that the worlds healing hinges, but on HIS! When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself!"
So, I begin my 50's with new knowledge...Love is the greatest force in the world.

Sometimes love hurts and when it does I can ask the Lord to give me His way to love, the perfect way.

After all, He loves me more than I can ever imagine.

He loves me enough to carry my train case.

He loves me enough to let me try it my way.

He loves me enough to forgive me of my sins.

He loves me enough to sacrifice life that I may have life.

To forgive me when I leave Him.

To accept me back, no questions asked, with open arms.

A wretch like me...

I realize this is a long post, but it's an important post for me and there was no way to condense any of it.

This week as been a very emotional week. At first, I thought perhaps it had to do with missing my daughter Emily, and the feelings that have surfaced as a result of her physical absence. I began to see myself as a mother, and wasn't real thrilled with what I saw. I started to regret not holding my children often enough, not reading to them enough, not playing enough, not talking enough, not laughing enough, not really getting to know them. I realized, I spent way to much time cleaning house, planning meals, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and so on. I regret placing my two older children in the position of raising their three younger siblings, all so I could attend nursing school. I was consumed by my performance based perfectionism, wondering, what kind of damage have I done. I didn't just miss Emily, I missed all my children.

Throughout this week my mind has been filled with an influx of thoughts, of sins that have stained my life. Stains I haven't been able to get rid of, instead, I've just covered them up with a throw rug. What you see on the outside is clean, the inside...well...not so much.

Wednesday, on my way to the church Recovery meeting, I became consumed by tears. Not the tears you shed with a good movie. The shaking, sniffing, hysterical out of control, you can't understand a word I'm saying, snot dripping sobbing. I was struggling to understand why I was so emotional. I was trying to tell myself to get it together...you can't let people see you like this! Get a hold of yourself!!!

Somehow I managed to get a grip before entering church. After a few hugs and songs of praise, we sat to hear a young man's testimony. This young man is the same age as my oldest son. I could barely contain my tears during his testimony. So much so, that I wanted to get up and leave, to run far away. Instead, I stayed, captivated by his story. A story so similar to my own. I wept. Wept over how amazing God is in this young man's life. Wept, wondering if mine could be equally touched by God.

You see, I have not really been honest about who I am. Partially because I am still trying to figure out exactly who that is. But mostly, because I don't want to see who I really am. I'm disappointed in myself, in the choices I've made. I wish I wasn't so concerned about what others thought of me. I wish I didn't need to control everything and everyone. I wish I didn't have to be perfect. I wish I didn't need to be right. I wish I didn't care about how clean my house is or how much mony I have in retirement. I wish I could be good enough to earn my way into heaven.

My parents are good people, each with their own special qualities. We inherit certain traits from our parents...I've inherited their perfectionism. As a result, all that I do, all that I expect of others is performance based.

I was raised Catholic, and from a very young age struggled with the teachings of the church. I questioned so much. My parents didn't understand my point of view. Wanting to do what was right, and perform well for them, I continued to follow along the teachings of the church, yet I still struggled. I didn't see things the way my parents saw them. They seem to love God and know that He loves them, but I never felt the same way. I heard a different message.

Babies had to be baptized or they couldn't go to heaven right away if they died because they carried the unpardonable sin. As a baby, I was baptized. Later, first communion then confirmation, all rituals of the Catholic church. In my view, it was these steps that would take me to heaven. I feared doing anything wrong, thinking God would punish me either here on earth, or by placing me in hell or purgatory. I believed if I continued to sin, I would be forever lost. No matter how hard I tried...I kept sinning. Not just lying and stealing type of sins...worse...You have no idea what I've done! Perhaps, I'll share some things in another post. But for now, I'm struggling with the stains of those sins. All which are to difficult to speak of at this time.

In my first marriage I tried so hard to be a good Catholic. Again, it just wasn't working for me. After my divorce, I gave up on the Catholic faith because I felt God and the church gave up on me. Besides, I'm strong, nearly perfect...I can do this on my own. I returned to a life of drugs and alcohol, and yes, more sin, all with two children in tow.

About a year after my divorce, a coworker began speaking to me about his church. He asked if I would like to attend a revelation seminar. Realizing I was failing miserably at life, at my salvation, I thought, why not. I was amazed at how different things where in this church, the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Here I learned about baptism by immersion, about the sabbath, about clean and unclean foods, about how not to outwardly adorn yourself with jewelry and make-up...

My current husband attended the seminar with me, in December of 1991, we were baptized into the Adventist faith. I can't speak for my husband, but I realize now, I was baptized because I believed it was the right thing to do. I wasn't baptized the real way as a baby, so if I truly wanted to be saved, immersion was what I must to do.

Honestly, I never felt any different. Again, I found myself going though church rituals and still not feeling God's love and grace that everyone talks about. The church preached that you are saved by grace through faith, yet I continued to believe by following the teachings of the church, my good performance would get me into heaven.

Again, things started going bad. My marriage was failing, money was tight, but most importantly...Again, God was not answering my prayers.

I began to believe that God was punishing me for my sins. Disgusted by my life of sin, by what God wasn't doing for me, by feeling that being a Christian was more of a burden than joy, that I could never, ever, perform well enough to enter heaven, I quit.

For almost two years I've been going to a non denominational church. There have been times where scripture has spoken to me, but only for a short while. I quickly return to my ways (my control). Even here, I myself have typed post that have spoken to my heart, have actually blown me away, but soon thereafter, I lose faith, I fall right back into that sinful nature.

For the last few months, I have been feeling the Lord in my life. Honestly!! For the first time, I am seeing Christ. But in the back of my mind I've wondered, have a blown my chances at God's love and Grace. I have recently struggled with Hebrews 6:4-6 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

I was deeply moved by this Easter service. Christ crucifixion touches my heart deeply. The above verses makes me wonder, have I crucified Him again? Have I lost my way?

You readers don't know my sins! God knows. I've wondered...can He really love a wretch like me? Forgive me?

On this night, this young man was not scheduled to give his testimony. But, because of a certain chain of events, he spoke. I believe, all of this was the Lord's plan. His plan, to speak to me through this young man. His testimony was meant for me.

After his testimony, we split up into our small groups. Things became worse for me. I tried to listen to others share while fighting tears. Then, it was my turn to speak. I began sobbing inconsolably. What came out of my mouth blew my mind. I realized I had never been saved. I was my own savior. All I have done was performance based. I have never tasted the heavenly gift, the goodness of the word of God, shared in the Holy Spirit. I have not fallen away. For right now, right here in this room at almost 5o... I have been saved.

I am sobbing even now as I type. My sin stained life has been cleaned. I am so overwhelmed by the love of the Lord. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever felt such love. I feel like a bride the night before her wedding. Excited, anxious, frightened, anticipating the best is yet to come. This is real, I am being totally honest here about what I'm feeling. This young man's life was hardly what I would consider to be terrible, but he felt and knew with such certainty that the Lord loved and forgave him. Unreal!

I suppose your wondering why I say I'm frightened. I'm afraid because I know Satan will tear me apart. I'm afraid that I might turn to my old self. Here's the thing...I will have trouble, I know there will be seasons where I may feel as if I am alone. But, one thing I have now, that I didn't have then, is hope.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

I would much rather continue in this life with the hope that someday I will be with the Lord forever, captivated by His love, than to not believe, die, and realized that what He promised exist and that I can't partake of it.

It's important for me to add something here. I am not in any way trying to discredit someone's religious belief. I'm sharing my discovery about the Lord. I'm simply stating, my struggles and how I have grown in Christ. I have seen so many true believers of the Lord's love in many, many, faiths. It just wasn't there for me until now. I tried so hard, by my own will to feel it. I see now it boils down to letting the Lord do the work, not me. I'm not expecting you to follow my belief. In fact, I have been bothered lately by the little "followers" sidebar I have here. I use to wonder why some people have more followers than I. I use to wonder how many people read my blog, yet didn't follow. Sometimes, it bothered me. Not anymore.

This post wasn't to save anyone, wasn't to get people to follow my blog. This post was to share the joy I feel about coming to know and understand the love and grace of the Lord for ME. Sure, I could have written in my journal about it (which I did), but this was to good to keep to myself. And, just like the Lord spoke to me through the young man's story that night, He just might speak to one of you through me. After all, at almost 50...He saved a wretch like me!

PAID IN FULL

Almost 35 years ago, I bought my first car. A forest green 1973 Mercury Capri. My father graciously agreed to co-sign a loan for me for two years. Afraid to risk ruining my credit, I diligently paid my car payments every month. Besides, my father told me "you miss a payment, I take the car."

I remember how excited I was to show my friends my car. (You really don't think of the bank as owning your car at that age). Even though I had the car in my possession, I didn't quite own it. I was required to regularly make payments. Once the final payment was made, I received the loan document with the words...PAID IN FULL stamped across. It was at that moment, I realized I owned my car free and clear, all for a hefty price. (Well, hefty for a 17 year old).

This was my first real experience with a major purchase. I remember how much I had to sacrifice to maintain those payments on a monthly basis. In the end, to me, it was worth every sacrifice.

A lot has happened during these last few weeks in Recovery, the most important-getting to know Jesus at a much more intimate level.

Good Friday and the events that take place leading up to Easter Suday moves me emotionally. What makes this time so emotional for me, Christ on the cross. At this scene, I weep inconsolably. It's so difficult for me, it shames me to know that He made the final payment for my sins, for my salvation. I just don't feel worthy and I can't understand why I can't be good. How many times will He forgive me...Seventy times seven. Will there ever be a sin for which there is no forgiveness?

What I've realized is He's forgiven...

The adulterous "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:11

A sinful women "Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48

A criminal "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:4

All who crucified Him "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."
Luke 23:34

There are so many more situations where He has forgiven.

I no longer have to make monthly payments for my sins, Christ made the final payment for me. His ransomed life redeemed my salvation. I didn't have to sacrifice anything, He sacrificed for me. An ultimate sacrifice...He laid down His life for me. Why?

I've been trying to wrap my brain around this. What makes me so special?

In Websters, the word ransom, when used as a verb means: to deliver. Free from captivity or punishment by paying a price.

Why? Because God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. John 3:16-17

God gave His Son. When we give something to someone, it's a gift. God has graciously given us the gift of eternal life through Jesus. There are no strings attached, no cost to me...it's GRACE!

What makes me so special? I am created by God, for God. He has a purpose for me. That purpose, to live my life by GRACE.

God knows we are all sinners by nature, He knows we will continue to sin. Something I've come to realize through Recovery is GRACE. God has resurfaced some of my past sins, as a result, I have confessed some of them. You know what I've received...forgiveness, freedom, and unconditional love. That's GRACE! No matter how much I can't forgive myself, God forgives me, and Christ shed His blood for me.

Jesus life and death was for one purpose, to free all from captivity by suffering the punishment in our behalf. What did it cost me-nothing. What did it cost Jesus- His life. Why did He do it...for love. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:12

As I sit at the Cross, I am deeply moved by this unmerited love Jesus has shed for me. To Jesus, I'm worth the sacrifice. He has made the final payment...my salvation... PAID IN FULL!

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's GRACE that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
Ephesians 1:7-8

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His GRACE, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith-and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:6-8

I am a sinner...

It started again just last week, I was struck by another bout with depression. I have not been depressed in almost a year, contributing this blessing to my renewed relationship with God. With the many trials of last year, according to my past history, I surely should have been depressed. What did occur was that I was able to breeze through them, confident that God would see us through, His faithfulness would prevail. So why now!?

I struggled to find an answer as to why now...where did I go wrong?

Backing up a bit, my deepest depression started just before I walked out on my relationship with God. So much in my life was in utter dismay, I believed He didn't care about me...if He did, I wouldn't be such a mess. For almost 8 years I walked alone in my hardships, trying to solve everything my way. My deepest struggle came when I renewed my faith and trust in Gods love, mercy and grace.

For several years, like many, I've been challenged by raising a rebellious teen. Just last week, things became unpleasant and I found myself reacting in the worst way. I became bitter and resentful, saying things, thinking things, as a mother I never, ever dreamed possible. As a result, I turned to scripture for guidance. I read the following:

Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.

1Peter 2:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
12 For they eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Suddenly, the reflection I saw in the mirror was unpleasant. I heard a voice saying...
I am a sinner!

I then became overwhelmed with the thought of disappointing my heavenly Father. I wanted to hide my face in shame from Him. I became consumed by grief and despair. Day after day, I was tormented by these thoughts. Because I felt contempt for my child, I could not help but wonder if God felt the same about me.

I am a sinner!

What made things worse, is that in my human nature, I could not, nor did I want to forgive my child. Thoughts flooded my mind...How can you call yourself a mother, for a mother would never feel this way, say these things...

Diligently, I searched scripture for an answer...for hope...for guidance...for forgiveness!

Last month I focus on the book of Proverbs. Over and over it became apparent to me that as Christians we should seek wisdom. Wisdom is obtained by faithfully reading God's word, and following His instruction. Through Proverbs, I understood how we can be the best God wants us to be. Also, last week during my Bible study, Beth Moore made the following statement: "God knew what He was allowing to happen to bring it to the destiny He planned."

What is my destiny? To that question, I've yet to find an answer. What I have done, is stopped searching for what I want my destiny to be and wait patiently for God to reveal His destiny for me.

While, I have yet to understand His destiny for me, he has shown me that it is not the circumstances that has made me depressed, it is the way Satan has twisted and manipulated my thoughts. Satan has the ability to take our sin (anger, bitterness, unforgiving nature) and use it to his advantage to keep us from God. He builds upon it, causing us to continue to sin (my unwillingness to forgive). Satan knows how much I want to love and please my heavenly Father. He knows that when I sin against one of God's children, I want to hide my face in shame. He fills me with grief and despair, continuing to hold me captive, convincing me that I am not worthy of God's love, grace, mercy and forgiveness because
I am a sinner!

God on the other hand, also reveals my sinful nature. Not to make me feel unworthy of His love, but to show me my weaknesses. By revealing my sins to me, Gods intent is to teach me the ways in which I should go. He wants me to cling to Him especially in my times of troubles, for it is there I will see His greatest promise...He will never leave nor forsake me.

What I found in my faithfulness to God's word is...Hope

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith not by sight.

For those of us who believe that of which Christ represents (grace and mercy), through faith not by sight, will be gradually transformed into His likeness. This gradual process is one that will likely continue till our death. It is through God's mercy we are supplied with the strength and courage to persevere when face to face with persecution, hardship, or the reflection of our sinful nature.

When I looked up the definition of the word mercy in Websters I found the following:

-Compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender.
-A blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion.
-Kind or compassionate treatment of those in distress.

Is this not the way we view our Heavenly Father?!

God has not turned away from me, He has revealed to me my sinful nature, along with His mercy and forgiveness. With compassion and favor He is asking me to allow Him to continue His role as The Potter, gradually molding me into His likeness. It is up to me, to let go of my control of the situation and trust my life in His hands. No matter what I do to try to be the "perfect Christian" will not save me!

There is not a single thing I can do by my will that will contribute to my salvation.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and it's not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

For I am a sinner saved by the love, mercy, grace and forgiveness of God!

This year I have been much more diligent in my walk with God, as a result Satan, threatened by my faithfulness, once again is desperate to take me captive. Not this time!!!

In my sinful nature I will always have something to overcome. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For it is through my weakness, He is strong...He will be victorious!!

I have realized that God allows my hardship because He is pruning me, ridding the dead branches so that new growth in Him will be strong. God continues to show me, He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour...He will shine His light so that I am reminded of His promises, His constant presence. I have realized that my security rest only in Him, not others, myself, nor a circumstance I am trying to control. Regardless of my struggle, God will bless me. Like a child preparing to cross a busy street, I will continue to hold God's hand. At the moment I am about to cross the troublesome road, I can look up to God with assurance that He will get me across safely.

I thank God for His hope...mercy...forgiveness...love...grace...and Christ sacrifice, that which covers my sin.

The Wonder of Birth

My friend Michelle stopped by work yesterday, with good news to report. Both her and baby, Faith are doing very well. You could see the joy in her face...that of a mother with child.

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking about the birth and life of Christ in a different light. Seeing the "pregnancy glow" on Michelle's face made me wonder...

How much did Mary's face glow?

I remember visiting Michelle while she was in the hospital in preterm labor. The fear and tears for her unborn daughter also made me think...

Did Mary and Joseph understand the depth of Jesus life and His sacrifice for mankind?

Working as a NICU nurse, you can read so many emotions on a parents face. Some of those emotions, take me back to when all my children were born. I was in awe! A miracle!

Mary, the mother of Jesus must have been experiencing the same things, and more.

After having children, my recall of Christ birth is different than when I was a child. I can't imagine delivering a baby in a barn, I would have been terrified. I'm certain Mary was calm, knowing God had everything carefully planned.

When I heard my babies first cry...relief!

I wonder what Mary thought when she heard the cry of Jesus.

As I found myself staring at my new born, I had such hopes and dreams for them. I wondered...what will their future hold?

Did Mary fear for the future of her Son? As a mother, did she somehow have the urge to plea with God to change His plans for Jesus?

My friend Michelle is no doubt counting and recording the weeks of her daughter's progress. Depending on when she is born, Michelle will record the little things she does...first steps, first words...

In the Bible we read about Christ first visit to the Temple, His baptism, His teachings, His love, His miracles performed, His faith, His death...

As a mother, somehow I can't help but wonder what Mary was thinking/feeling as she silently recorded these events to her memory.

I am amazed at the faith, trust and hope of Mary and others I read about in the Bible. I too want to live that way. In our fallen nature it's so darn hard at times.

This year as Christmas approaches and the year comes to an end...I feel so blessed!
I have an amazing group of friends and family. I am also drawing closer to Him. It's good to know that even when I fail, and yes, sin...He continues to forgive and draw me closer to Him.

But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
-Luke 2;10-14

May you all have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Shepherd

Last Sunday the sermon was on Psalm 23. I haven't been able to think of much else this week. Funny thing is, I've heard this Psalm read many times, especially during a funeral. But, as I reflect on it this week and the message of my Pastor, something beautiful has unfolded.

I've mentioned here that, we have changed our diet. Today, my husband and I started a cleansing, a detox. We both want to be healthy and rid ourselves of all the harm we've done to our bodies over time. I believe this Psalm will carry me through this process. I know, it will not be easy...trust me when I say I got a "taste" of it this morning when I started. What I am certain of is this is the Lords will for my life, otherwise He would not have lead me in this direction.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Websters defines shepherd as one who tends sheep. And the meaning of the word tend...to watch over.

"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the father-and I lay down my life for the sheep." John 10:14-15

You see, the Lord is my shepherd...He owns me, He knows me, He watches over me, He cares for me, He provides for me. Therefore, I shall not want. It's important for me to be satisfied with His provisions for me, because they will always be perfect because He knows exactly what I need. It may not be what I want, but that isn't important. What's important is knowing that I can trust His provisions for my life.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.

He provides a place of rest for me and calms my storms, helping me find a sense of strength through Him. Again, it's all about trust.

3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Think about this verse for a moment. In my fallen nature, He rebuilds me. Wow, He creates multiple opportunities for me to seek Him. Just like a father leading his child through a crowd, He creates a path for me...leading me to somewhere safe. When I decide to take short cuts, he redirects my path...it's all up to me to trust and follow.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

When I read this verse, I think of a dark valley....my depression, often leads me to this valley. Here's the thing...He protects me! How do I know, how does anyone know? Believe me when I say, it is when you're broken...you know, you feel His presence. He leads you out of that valley. Again, you must trust and follow...He knows what you need, He will provide and protect. His love never fails!

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.

Even in the presence of our enemies, we can still be blessed. Why, because He will always win over the enemy! For me, often the enemy is in my mind. Satan places such foolish thoughts, controlling thoughts in my head, it wears me out physically, emotionally and mentally. The wonderful thing is...He delivers me! He defends and protects me, He will never forsake me...It's all about trust!

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.

This verse confirms His undying love for me. Sinful as we all are, Jesus died and made a way for me, for you, to live with Him forever! Ask yourself this question...would you be willing to let your child die to save the world, your enemies? God has given ALL an opportunity at eternal life.

"I am the good shepherd." The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:11

This Psalm is all about trust. How much do you trust Him?

He is Risen

This has always been a tough and glorious time of year for me. It pains my heart to know that Christ was beaten and crucified for the sins of men...for my sins. I rejoice in knowing that Christ died because of His unconditional love for me...for you.

What I struggle with is, knowing that in my fallen nature I continue to sin. Why? This overwhelming feeling makes me feel unworthy of such a gift. Until I remember the following conversation between Peter and Jesus. 21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"22Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22
I am forgiven over and over.

13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colosssians 2:13. Each time I forgive others I'm reminded that Christ forgives me.

Jesus tore the veil...He made a way for me, for you, that we may have eternal life. There is no greater gift than this, none! His blood was shed for many, He was the sacrifice so that we all may live. It is because of Him...all things are possible. We have been saved through His death and resurrection. It is because of Him we have gained access to heaven.

We have been saved by Grace through Faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ.