A Gift

I woke this Christmas morning, with a blog post prepared in advanced for today. But then, yesterday happened....

It's Christmas Eve, I'm working. My job...taking care of tiny babes. During this week, in the NICU we have been busy creating footprint ornaments and Christmas photographs of the babies to give as a gift to the parents. One by one, I placed these memories created of their precious little babes at the bedside. As the day began, parents arrived.

I watched...

The Christmas Spirit unfolding right before my very eyes.

A young mother, tears stream down her face as she held the ornament in her hands.

Another...tears as she holds her baby. She's being discharged home today, her baby must stay. She'll wake Christmas morning with no babe in her arms. She cuddles him, nestles in the chair, soon she's asleep.

A father leans into the isolette and smells his new born baby. "I just love the smell of new life," he says.

A mother at her babes bedside, tears stream down her face. He's been here a while, almost three months. We embrace, we cry. Her husband is in another Country, her babe in the hospital. Another mother waking on Christmas morning empty handed. As she holds her baby, she looks at the pictures we've taken...smiles, laughter, more tears.

Another family, one I've known for 96 days arrived with gifts for other families they've met during their stay. Their faces are full of joy today, it's possible their babe will be going home on Tuesday.  They've been through so much! I've grown to love this family. As we talk, I fight to hold back the tears. I'm trying to figure out how to let go...

As I lay my head down for the night, visions of Christmas past fill my thoughts. I remember those late nights...last minute wrapping, waiting for children to fall asleep so that I may place the gifts from him (Santa) under the tree.

Then early in the mornings...sometimes 3am, a child would rush to my bed..."He came! He came!"

I can't lie...I miss those days. The excitement as the children open their gifts.  The frustration as we (my husband and I) assemble many toys. The exhaustion. The family gatherings.

The past few years, I've seen things differently.

But, something really changed for me this year...

While my three children are still nestled in their beds.

I hardly doubt visions of sugar plums dance in their heads.

It hit me...

I wish I knew Jesus then, as I do now.

I wish my children would wake up saying...He came! He came! And be speaking of the Christ Child, not Santa.

This has been an extraordinary year.

I started this year in search of truth. Exhausted from trying to battle life by my own power, as my own god, I hungered for peace, joy, love, forgiveness, life, freedom, grace...

As the Christmas season comes upon us...I see things so differently.

Memories of childhood Christmas past...the gifts, so many. Ripping open packages, one after the other, from the eyes of my youth...it was pure delight, joy! It seemed as if I always got everything I ever wanted, yet I always wanted more.

My childhood turns to parenthood, and the joy of getting is replaced by the joy of giving...yet, my heart still yearns for more. Don't misunderstand, I love giving...but, as I look back, the motive wasn't always good.

This year I have grasped a new understanding of the true meaning of Christmas, the greatest gift ever given...Christ.

Christmas is a time where many celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We all know, Christ wasn't born on December 25th., it's just a day that's been selected to celebrate His birth.

Why celebrate?

I want to share a few things I've come to realize about this precious gift...

From the beginning, creation...God already had His plan in place for our salvation.
Genesis 3:15 "And I will put an enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Her offspring-Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 speaks of God's promise of the Savior. Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call Him Immanuel. Also, Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

I've been reading in Matthew and Luke, the story of Christ birth.

Again, I recall the birth of my children, my pregnancies. I can't help but look at things through the human eyes of Mary. Mary, so faithful to God, so trusting, was humbled to honor God's plan. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38  I can imagine how difficult it must have been for a young women, a virgin, not yet married, to be fully exposed to the judgement of society.

I place myself at the Inn where Mary, already laboring is told there is no room. As I rearranged furniture in my living and dining room to make space for our tree, I remember thinking to myself in my frustration...it's so crowded in here...there's just no room for anything! Then it hit me...how petty! Mary had no home, no bed. Joseph gathers hay in the stable; a bed for Mary as she gives birth. She births her firstborn son, wraps Him in cloths and places Him in a manger.

Fast forward to 2010. As a NICU nurse, I have attended many deliveries, not in a stable...but a comfortable, warm, controlled environment of the hospital.  The baby is placed on a warmer (not an animal trough), cleaned and bundled, then handed to his mother. I think about the difference in the births of today, than the one Mary had. I can't help but be in awe over Mary's faith and trust in God.



I think about the similarities. Did Joseph, love the smell of Jesus...THE LIFE.

Did Mary shed tears of joy as she held her babe? Can you picture her snuggled in the hay, lying on her side...baby Jesus in her arms?  Can you?

As the babe lay in the manger, in fields nearby, an angel appears to the shepherds. "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

The shepherds go to Bethlehem to see this babe. After they saw Jesus, they spread the word about what the angel had told them about this Child. Many were amazed by what the shepherds said. Something stood out for me, that hasn't before...

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. Luke 2:19

I can't help but wonder, Mary knows Jesus is the Son of God, but does she grasp the full meaning of  His purpose?

My youngest is fourteen. At twelve Jesus had begun preparing for His purpose.

What is the meaning of the Christmas Spirit? For many, this time of year can be depressing. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, memories of loved one's lost. The pressure of trying to find the perfect gift for others. We become so focus on what we don't have, we lose sight of what we do have...isn't that what the Christmas Spirit is all about?





This year, my oldest son came to me and said he didn't want me to buy him gifts this year. He wanted me to use that money to give to another family in need.  He said, "I have everything I need, anything else is just a want. I've been thinking about how many people don't have what I have, I want to give."

It hit me...I never really spoke to my children during their formative years about Jesus. But this year, Jesus has become the center of my life. I've changed. Do they feel it? Do they see Him in me?

One by one, as my children heard of what my son wanted to do...they too shared the same desire. Christmas gifts were selected and presented.  They don't know it yet, but someday, when they look back...they'll understand, they'll feel the Christmas Spirit. Both my children and the children who received, will realize it's not about the toy...it's about what was felt in their heart.

The Christmas Spirit is that of...

Love

Light

Hope

Peace

It's understanding, that all these things come from one of the most precious gifts God has bestowed upon mankind...

A babe...Jesus!

Jesus was born with a purpose, to die that we may have life. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2Corintians 5:21

You can't look at the birth of Jesus and not look at the cross.

His life, the cross, and resurrection portrays...

Suffering and healing. Jesus suffering for our healing. His death on the cross, His separation from God the Father...such anguish for one man to bear. It's by His wounds we are healed!

Rejection and triumph. How many betrayed and rejected Jesus? In His human nature, He surely felt rejected by God the Father. He begged God to take this cup from Him...yet, "not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42. An empty tomb...triumph...VICTORY!


                       HE CAME!  HE CAME!



Merry Christmas!

My First...

 This weekend I had the opportunity to join 170 women in Lake Tahoe for Grace Church Women's Retreat, entitled Immeasurably More, with Cindi McMenamin as guest speaker.

This was my first women's retreat, as well as my first time to Lake Tahoe.  Well, I take that back. I've been to Lake Tahoe, but in a "passing through" kind of way. I've been there for a concert, which was at a hotel, and once when my daughter was looking for a wedding site. Both times I really didn't get to experience Lake Tahoe as I did this weekend.

I am going to attempt to put into words my experience...so much I want to share.

I had no idea what to expect of the retreat.  I had no expectations, so all was welcomed with open arms. Upon arriving I was in awe over how beautiful the lake was. We had the most spectacular view from our window...breathtaking.

Shortly after checking in, my roommate and I searched for familiar faces. After dinner, we gathered for our first session with Cindi: Immeasurable More of His Love. She spoke of the Lord's love for us.
Several things stood out for me...

The Lord pursues us as a husband who longs for our love. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 53:5

As a hero who always comes through. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

As a knight who comes to our rescue. I love you, God— you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. Psalm 18:1 (The Message)

For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

As a prince who ransomed our heart.“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." Jeremiah 31:3

I'll be honest, this concept has been difficult for me to grasp. As I live in the flesh, to understand the Lord as my husband, hero, knight, or prince, has only been visible to me in a physical sense. I want to touch it, taste it, feel it. My heart yearns for all the above. Cindi said, "We haven't lost the romance with God, we just haven't found it yet." That's it...I simply haven't found it! Or perhaps, I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

After the session we spilt into small groups. For the first time, in a long time, I was meeting with women whom I've never met. I've grown accustomed to groups since I've attended Grace Church Recovery and Step Study, (sharing is not a problem for me).  As a matter of fact, ten women from my Step and Recovery group were at the retreat, with one being a part of my small group. It's here in this small group we were presented with questions to answer. One question in particular stood out for me...

From tonight's session, which characteristic of God's pursuing love most resonates with your heart and why?
Your husband who longs for your love.
Your hero who always comes through.
Your valiant knight who rushes to your rescue.
Your prince who ransomed your heart.

My answer...My heart longs for all those things!

The following morning I was up at 4:30 were I spent sometime in His word. It was still dark and the stars were as bright as can be. It was quiet and still, even with my loss of hearing, I'm certain I could hear a pin drop. After breakfast we started our second session: Immeasurably More of His Strength and Hope

Because of my time in Recovery and Step Studies, it was this session I could relate to the most. Cindi spoke of how we can experience His strength and hope during difficult times. It's through our trials God transforms us. "It's through our struggles that we're strengthened, through our pain that we're polished, and it's through our difficulties that we can discover a deeper intimacy with God."

"Our deserts can be doorways to discover God." I love this statement!

As I've journeyed through Recovery and Step this year, it's been painful and freeing all at the same time. So often in traditional therapy, my feelings were justified. It's okay for me to feel the way I do, to respond the way I do, terrible things happened to me to shape me into who I am. I was told to just discard those painful memories/relationships, guard your heart, move on. I was never given the tools to move on, to change my story into something good.  I am able to do that now through Recovery and Step. I'm realizing how the Lord recycles those memories. Not to hold me there, but to pass again through a series of changes; to adapt to a new use (Websters definition)...His use.

Looking back on my past...
I feel the pain, anger, and resentment towards those who sinned against me.
I feel the shame, guilt, and pain for those I've sinned against.

I experience Godly sorrow. A sorrow like no other...
For it is here I see the hurt I've inflicted upon others through the Lord's eyes.
I've deeply hurt many of His children.

It's here, I see those who have hurt me and wonder...
what pain have they experienced in their life that has caused them to guard their heart, to lash out, to defend, to protect themselves in such ways that they hurt others. I pray for them.
It's here, I repent...I long to reconcile...I am redeemed...I am transformed.

It's here, I have come to understand that my story is written by God, for His purpose, for His Glory!
That means, even in my darkest times, the Lord is taking me to a place He wants me to be. Out of my suffering, His glory will be revealed.

It's here, I seek His face, I ask...
Lord, show me your will, your way, the truth, the light!
Change my heart to love like you!

Cindi spoke of the many deserts (times when we feel alone) women face:
Singleness
Marriage-when there is a lack of connection
Struggles with infertility
Feeling alone as a parent
Our spiritual life
Our difficulties and trials
Emotional pain we don't feel we can share
A restlessness to reach a dream

She told us we can embrace the "alone times," for God meets us there.

After this session we broke off for some "alone time" with the Lord. We were given some scripture (Hosea 2) and questions to guide us. We were told to find a rock that represents immeasurable pain that we've personally gone through, one only each of us can determine its significance. 

It was during this "alone time,"
I had my first, most spectacular date...

with my King

my husband

my hero

my knight

my prince

Hosea 2, is something I am very familiar with. This passage was first shared with me by the leader and my sponsor in Recovery.

I sat on a rock overlooking the lake and read Hosea 2.

As I read, I was reminded of my past and how I constantly went after the desires of MY heart, my idols to fulfill my need for love, happiness, peace, security, hope. It's here I was stripped naked as the Lord blocked my paths with thorn bushes, for the purpose of seeing Him more clearly.

3Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

6Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

I tried many times to return to my lovers (idols). It was here He took everything from me. I mean everything...home, money, children, marriage...
It was here he exposed my sinful ways...The selfish desires of my heart.

⁸She has not acknowledged that I was the one
   who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
   which they used for Baal.
 ⁹ “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
   and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
   intended to cover her naked body.
¹⁰ So now I will expose her lewdness
   before the eyes of her lovers;
   no one will take her out of my hands.

Then it happened....
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."

While perched upon my rock, I became acutely aware of sounds and sights all around me.  The waves as they gently clapped over the rocks.  The leaves as the wind tenderly whispered to them. The touch of the wind upon my face. I couldn't help but recall how God breathed the breath of life into Adam. The wind across my face, His breath...gentle, affectionate, tender. The warmth of the sun...calming. The colors of the water, it's ripples...a movement so precise. The snow covered mountains, the clouds, the groves and crevices of the rock, each one so different...what a design, one that can only be done by the Creator Himself. I also, suddenly realized how small I am within all of His creation, and He loves me no less.

I sat, tears streaming down my face. I looked out across the water, I was unable to tell where it ends. As I looked from side to side, I couldn't tell you where it begins, where it ends. Same with the sky.

Then I heard Him...

If only you could grasp how far, and wide, and long, and deep is my love for you!

16 "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'

19 I will betroth you to me forever;

 I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.

I was able to clearly see where the Lord has been while I've wondered in the desert, where He will be in the present and my future.  He is right there beside me, He is all around me. His love never fails...He will never leave, nor forsake me.

My alone time with the Lord was coming to an end, I didn't want to leave...It was the most beautiful, romantic, date I have ever experienced. I couldn't help but wonder if the other 169 women experienced something similar. Did you feel it? How He loves us so!

On my way back to small group I found my rock.  I wish I had a picture to share with you.  For me...the rock is forever embedded in my memory, my touch. 

My rock was small, yet quite plump...it size represents how small I am in all of creation, yet so full of love from God.  It's plump shape also represented the large amount of burdens I carry as a result of the sins of my past, present, and future, as well as the sins committed against me.

My rock was rough and bumpy with many chips...which represents the many rough and scared areas in my life I held on to, the one's I've let define me. The chips represent the ways God is removing those rough areas, making way for new areas that define me...His child, His bride.

My rock was red on one side and white on the other...for me the red symbolized the blood of Jesus, the ransom He paid to rescue me. The white represents the outcome of the blood He shed for me...Grace, Mercy, Forgiveness, Eternal life with my King! Initially, when I pulled my rock from beneath the soil, all I saw was the reddened area.  Imagine my surprise, as I realized the red covered the white, just as Christ sacrifice covers me.

One by one, we returned to our small group. I don't think I came face to face with a single woman who wasn't changed by their alone time with the Lord. Each face radiant, glowing with love.

Session 3: Immeasurably More of His Rest

It's here we were reminded to rest in Him.  Cindi said two things that have stuck with me.

1. God wants me (you) to be with Him, not necessarily do things for Him.

He longs for me to spend time in His word. This is where I will get to know Him better. Where I will see Him as the driver, the one in control. It's not about my works, it's about my love for Him...His love for me.

2. The one who loves you the most is waiting right there in front of you.

As soon as she said this, I found myself back at the lake on that rock, romanced and surrounded by His love.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Session 4: Immeasurably More For Your Life

During this session Cindi spoke about our dreams. She explains that "we are God's unique expression of who He is, designed with His purpose in mind before we were ever created."

There are some great points here, all pointing to our dreams of what/who we want/wanted to be. She explains that our dreams our closely related to what God's plans are for us. Some, have no trouble discovering their dreams. I on the other hand, have no idea. Cindi points out that our dreams can be...

closely connected to our passion

closely connected to our pain

closely connected to our place in life

I feel a little lost...some of my friends know their dreams...

"I've always loved taking pictures, I want to be a photographer." 

"I love music, I want to sing...I want to dance...I want to play the piano."

What are my dreams?

I purchased Cindi's book When a Woman Discovers Her Dreams

With prayer for direction and discernment...I'm hoping to discover my dream. The dream that the Lord has placed deep within my heart.

Our weekend closed with communion over the Lake. Where we all took our rocks and toss them into the Lake.

One by one, rocks where tossed into the lake, no longer seen...

Symbolizing, our sins covered by Grace.

To stand upon the dock with 170 other women is indescribable.

Here are a few pictures of the women in my Recovery and Step groups.  I hold each and everyone of them very close to my heart.  They are truly some of the most beautiful, important people in my life. I can't help but echo the words said by two of them...

"Makes me think of the road we are all walking with each other. Bumps, bruises...Victory and Praises!

"I can't believe how poor I was and how very rich I am now!"

Ladies...I love you from the bottom of my heart.  I am forever grateful to the Lord for putting each and everyone of you into my life.  I am immeasurably blessed...God is AWESOME!

The Power of Your Name

I'm not sure where to begin...This week my emotions have literally gone from one extreme to the other. I've wrestled with anger and joy, bitterness and empathy, sorrow and blessedness. I suppose, I've mostly struggled with understanding God's will in certain situations.

Saturday, August 28th was one of the best days of my life....I was baptized. I've been baptized twice before, once as an infant, and again at 31. The first time, I really had no understanding of what baptism meant. Even as I became older, I believed I was baptized as an infant so in the event of my death, I would go to heaven. The second time, I was baptized because I was lead to believe it was the right thing to do. If I was baptized (my works), God would be well pleased. Again, I would go to heaven.

So...what was so different about this time? I realized I don't have to be perfect to be loved by God. I clearly understand that Jesus death on the cross was a ransom for all who have sinned. He paid the cost for all the sin in the world. He exchanged my sin stained life, for His righteousness. I don't have to wait to be loved till I'm perfect, He loves a wretch like me! He SAVED me!

As I came up out of the water, I felt so secure in the Lord. It's really difficult for me to put it into words.

I woke up Sunday feeling great. However, when I went to work I felt like Job. It seemed as though Satan said "let me show you how quickly she can turn from you." And God said, "give it your best shot."

Being a NICU nurse has it's rewards, yet, can produce the most profound anger, doubt, and sadness. It's so hard to watch a mother who has fought to hold on to the precious life inside of her. The guilt, agony, and difficulty in understanding...watching her tiny little baby struggle for life. She begs and pleads with the Lord, to save her precious child. Day by day, hour after hour, parents come into the unit to see, touch, smell, the new addition to their lives. We get to know these families, they become a part of our lives. We share in the triumphs and are saddened by the set backs. Often we explain the journey in the NICU will be that of a "roller coaster." We provide hope. Parents put their trust in us to care and protect their baby in their absence. They call often, (interrupting our day) to get an update on their baby.  "Is he/she sleeping?" "Tell him/her that I love them." At the end of their stay, if all goes well, the baby goes home with their parents. I love this part!! Parents keep in touch, sending updated photo's and often stopping by...so awesome!

Sadly, there are times when the baby goes home to our Heavenly Father. Here is were the struggle as a NICU nurse comes in to play. When you have parents like the one's above, you mourn with them. You cry, you hug, you pray. They ask "why?"...You have no answer. Silently, I tell myself...the Lord has a plan. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding. Proverbs 3:5.

It's so hard at times...our understanding is from a flesh perspective, His...Divine.

A very dear friend of mine, a NICU nurse as well, once said something I found myself saying Sunday... "Mom's who do drugs when pregnant SUCK!"

Yes, my job Sunday was to care for a baby who's mother did drugs during her pregnancy.  This sweet baby, was now dying as a result of her sin. This baby almost never felt the touch of mommy or daddy. Rarely heard their voice. In fact most of the time, it was our voices, our touch this small life experienced. Today, I was fighting to save this little life.  I fought with the Lord..."WHY?" "I can't do this again...please!" Satan was good, he knew exactly where to take me. For over 8 hours I tried to contact the parents...my anger stirred even further. For two days, I fought to save this baby's life, which ended at 5:21 pm Monday.

I fought the urge to extend compassion to the parents who appeared to be saddened by the loss of their baby. As I watched them hold their baby...I saw this sweet child in the arms of Jesus. Although, I couldn't mutter the words, "I'm sorry for your loss." I suddenly realized...they had no clothes, no camera.  I gathered up clothes, a blanket, and a disposable camera, in attempt to create a memory for them.

I tried so hard not to be angry with this mother, who was still living the lifestyle she did during her pregnancy. I struggled with understanding what the Lord wanted from me. The memories of two other sweet babies came to mind...the tears, the agony! Why am I doing this again?

Last night at recovery, I understood His message. So silly...How could I miss it? Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night on the way home from recovery...the same song has played over and over.

The Power of Your Name

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your Kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken meant to be ignored
Surely this just can't be what You saw
Let Your Kingdom come
Here in my heart

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet

I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Your name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Jesus Your name
Is a refuge for the weak
Only Your name
Can redeem the undeserving
Jesus Your name
Holds everything I need

I am a NICU nurse because it's exactly where the Lord wants me to be. It's here in the midst of brokenness, I am to carry His compassion, to be His hands and feet...To love a world that's broken.

On Tuesday, I watched, as this amazing family loved a world that's broken. Over the last few weeks I had the privilege of meeting Merrill and Roberta Simon. They are amazing.  They have adopted 18, now 19 children. All not wanted, many born of mothers who did drugs during pregnancy. They were done adopting babies, but the Lord had other plans for them.  Tuesday, they took home another baby to be apart of their family. While "Montana" was in our unit, Roberta would drive an hour to visit this precious boy. I got to know her. I sat in awe as she shared stories of each and every adopted child.  She knows them so well...every inch of them. You can follow their story on her blog...you'll be blessed, I promise!

I'm not surprised at all over how very blessed I am. In light of all the emotions I've gone through over the past few days...I find hope in Paul's words:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:7-10.

Let me tell you 'bout...

the birds and the bees

and the flowers and the trees

and the moon up above

and a thing called "Love"

Anyone remember these lyrics? They've been playing over and over again in my head for about a month now. It all started with worry.

Worry about my finances.

Worry about my children's future.

Worry about my job.

Worry about where I would live.

Worry about homeschooling.

Worry about my marriage.

Worry if I'm good enough.

Worried about yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

As you can see I became consumed by worry. Consumed to the point where I tried to control my worry by over eating, not eating, sleeping, and shutting others out. I prayed and prayed...still worried.  About a month ago, I decided to be silent and hear what the Lord had to say to me about worry.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Matthew 6:25-28

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

As I read these words, I struggled with hearing the message within them. Later that afternoon I went for a walk. I was followed by a group of birds. They were swirling around me. (Actually, they were driving me nuts!) I was trying to listen to my Christian music (perhaps the Lord would speak to me in song) and they were distracting. I stopped...look at the birds of the air! I took my earphones out and to my surprise I could hear them chirping away (normally I can't hear anything without my hearing aids). The sounds were beautiful. I continued to watch and was fascinated by how they would soar through the air. Wings spread...glidding...so free...not a care in the world. I remembered the birds nest above my front door. I've watch the momma bird fly to and fro providing food for her young. No worries, the Lord supplied her need. Soon, the babies were gone...the nest empty. Momma still with no worries, for she knows the Lord will care for her Babies...He will provide. I'm reminded; my children may leave the nest...trust...the Lord will care for His children.

I didn't really see bees on my walk, but they often surround my front door. As I looked up scripture about bees/hornets.  It seems the Lord sends these tiny creatures to destroy.  I thought of how often, we are so fearful of these little bees. Arms waving frantically...we try to escape the sting of the bee. Yet, this tiny creature, knows its strength...shows no fear...uses what God has given to defend off intruders. We too have been given such strength...His word, His promise...abide in Me and I in you. John 15:4

As I continued on my walk, I noticed all the wild flowers along my path. (This day I made them lilies.) There was a breeze that day, I watched them gently sway. Such a beautiful dance. Nothing to carry them away, for they were firmly planted in good soil. Firmly planted in Him...I too will remain when the enemy attacks.

I now shifted my attention to the trees. So many shades of green. Only God can create such magnificent shades. Although, the trees here are not planted near water, they receive water. It can be very hot here, yet in the summer, the leaves remain green...wilting only with lack of water. Many friends have fruit trees. Cherries, lemons, even the apple orchids bear fruit. "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John15:5

My mind wondered to our recent camping trip. I felt so close to God in all of His creation, I was fascinated by His wondrous works. The trees near the flowing river, the birds, the butterflies, the sounds, smells, the fine details, I was in awe.

As the seasons change, the trees remain.  Although the leaves may turn to vibrant shades of red, yellow, orange...their roots remain spread across the earth. The rain or snow, continues to provide the water they need to survive.  Do you remember the Samaritan woman who met Jesus at the well? He explained to her that He was the living water, and if we drink from Him we will never thirst.  He's saying, He will provide all we need for life. If we trust in Him for all things, our humanly desires will soon fade as we see how much the Lord has blessed us. No matter what season we're in, He provides!!

What about the moon? Have you ever looked at the moon and sworn you saw a face? Intriguing! I started thinking about the sky and it's vastness. How small we are among this giant universe. Yet, every hair on our head, every thought...He knows. I have recently been blessed with the most beautiful sunrises and clear skies at night...the moon and stars so bright. What a glorious kingdom...yes!?

What I realized, again...I have no control. I'm reminded of what Jesus told Martha...Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her. Luke 10:41-42.

What is so amazing, is that the Lord loves me so much He allows me to try to control my life, He waits patiently on the sidelines till I trust in Him...He forgives. Only one thing is needed...remain in Him.

Everything...the birds, bees, flowers, trees, moon, stars, sunrises, sunsets, His children...all created by Him from LOVE!

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31. I love this scripture!

One of the women in my Recovery group said something that I have a firm grip on.  You see, for such a long time I allowed Satan to bind me to my desire for control. So much so that I closed my mind and my thoughts to how great the Lord's love is for me. I let others influence me, I let my entitlement control my desires. 
But now...

NO ONE CAN TAKE MY GOD AWAY FROM ME!

His love is displayed throughout all of creation...just take a look...just trust...He will never leave or forsake any of His children, His creations!

I'm troubled

Yesterday a friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook. As I watched, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw myself in this video.

I grew up in a Christian home, yet I didn't know the Lord. Many family members prayed diligently to Him and believed in Him with their heart and soul. Yet, for me, I saw the Lord as someone who had high expectations of me I knew I could never meet. I thought He was this big eye in the sky watching every move I made, frowning upon me, turning His back on me. I would pray for Him to give me the desires of my heart...nothing. I just couldn't fully trust this great and powerful being, so why bother. It wasn't until just recently, I came to know the Lord, my God, my Savior. You can read about it here.

As I watched this video, I was reminded how easy we fall pray to the enemy. Every aspect of this video was and at times, still is my life. It was here, Satan, knowing my lack of knowledge and trust in the Lord, held me captive. So much so, that at one point in my teen years I tried to take my life. I was so desperate for acceptance, that I was willing to do anything. I decided to take the wide road because it was easier. I fell under the pressures of peers, men, alcohol, drugs, all which lead to depression. I wanted what I wanted and pursued those desires eventually making them my idols. I am so thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. I was once lost but, now I am found.

What troubles me...so many, young and old, don't know the Lord. Or, like me, they don't understand the desires of His heart. We are called as Christians, to share with those who don't know, or who have wondered away from the Lord, about His unconditional love, His grace, His sacrifice. By sharing our testimony about the Lord with others, one person may come to know Him...Amen!

I have two grown children and three teens. Sadly, because of my past belief, during their younger years, I never spoke of the Lord's love for me, for them. I'm troubled that they too may be held captive by the enemy. I'm sharing my love for the Lord with them now, I pray for them, but ultimately, they must believe and trust in Him.

I'm troubled as I think of the many who are smoothered by what they believe will make them happy. By those who fail to see the Lord standing on the side lines of their lives reaching out to them. Toubled that many will never run to His arms. Troubled for those who believe the Lord is the cause of their pain. Troubled for those who don't know the truth.
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, He SAVED me. Psalm 115:5-6

I have a request, would you take time to pray for those who don't yet know or trust the Lord. For the many that are trapped by the devil's grip.



But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Have a safe and blessed 4th.

50

Today I start a new decade of my life. The past few decades left me bitter, resentful, and empty. I struggled to find my purpose in life, honestly...I'm still not certain of what that is. One thing I am certain...He knows.

I'm struggling, wondering why it took me till 50 to feel and understand the Lord's love and grace for me. I struggle, thinking...wouldn't it have been better for me to know this years ago that I might pass it on to my children? So much pain could have been avoided. I'm reminded that it's His timing, not mine. His purpose, not mine. Still in my human nature, I wish it had been sooner.

So much has changed for me since the first of the year. I made a decision to seek Him diligently and I found Him. Often I would hear others express how they hear the Lord speaking to them. Honestly, my response...psst, okay, sure!

I use to think He only spoke to those worthy. I use to think He speaks with this great voice, you know like when He spoke to Moses. I never saw this burning bush, or heard that thunderous voice. I just couldn't grasp what people were saying, until now.

The Lord speaks to us in ways we understand, in ways only we can hear Him, in ways that are unique only to us. For me, I hear Him in books I read, songs, biblical stories, and when others share an experience with me. The first few times I recognized Him speaking to me, actually blew my mind. And yes, He speaks to those of us who feel unworthy, for all are worthy in His eyes.

For so long I held on to bitterness, anger, resentment, hurt over so many circumstances in my life. I held on to my unforgiving heart. I felt so stained by my sins, believing I would never be forgiven I stayed in the darkness...because it's what I deserved. As a result, I did it my way. I tried to control my destiny and that of my family. Everything became, all about me.

In February I started the Celebrate Recovery program at church. Coupled with my devotion to His word, a change has started in my heart, in my life. A change that comes from the Lord's unconditional love and grace for me.

I was desperate for change, as a result,it was time. Time for the Lord to show me how great His love and forgiveness is. I wish I could describe it so all can understand, I simply can't. But, when you feel it, you'll know exactly what I mean. Because He loves me so...I want to give that love back.

How do I do this? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul, with all your strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Mark 12:30-31

For so long I fought against the greatest commandment because of my entitlement attitude. You love me first, then I will love you. We love because He first loved us. 1John 4:19.

Because He loves me so much, He waited for me. He waited till He knew I would be ready to receive all He had to say to me. This has not been a painless process. No, it's been quite painful. As He has revealed my sinful ways, He is creating in me a new self.

A recent story I read, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, is where the Lord has recently spoken the loudest to me. Without giving much of the story away, I want to share a few things with you.

There is a situation where Corrie at the age of nine or ten ask her father a question. He doesn't answer right away, but waits for the perfect timing (Something the Lord does, His timing). He ask Corrie to carry his train case which is full. She tries, but responds by saying "I can't, it's too heavy!" He says, "How cruel it would be for a father to let a little girl carry such a load." He then explains, "Sometimes knowledge is this way. Some knowledge is to heavy for children to carry, when you're older you can carry it, but for now, let me carry it." I realize the Lord is like this, He carries the load until He knows we are ready. I also realized that far to often, I let my children carry my train case, when I should have carried that load. It's here, I think..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

Another big moment for me was when Corrie's father tries to comfort her broken heart. He explains, "love is the strongest force in the world, and when it's blocked that means pain. There are two things you can do when this happens. Kill the love so it stops hurting, but then of course, a part of you dies too. Or, ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. If you ask Him, He will give you a love nothing can prevent or destroy. Whenever we can't love the human way, God can give us the perfect way." WOW!!

This made me realize so often in my life, I killed the love because of my bitterness, anger, resentment, controlling, perfectionist, entitlement attitude. As a result, a part of myself and those that I loved died. Again..."Lord, if I only knew this then!"

But, I didn't.

But, I do now!!

For me to continue to live in the past, to allow it to hold me captive, forever trapped in darkness, Satan would win. But, I now have the light... "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12.

The final thing spoken to me in this story is about forgiveness. Corrie struggled to forgive a man who had done much wrong to her, to others. She prayed, "I cannot forgive this man, Lord give me your strength to forgive." The moment she took this man's hand she understood, "it's not on our forgiveness any more than our goodness that the worlds healing hinges, but on HIS! When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself!"
So, I begin my 50's with new knowledge...Love is the greatest force in the world.

Sometimes love hurts and when it does I can ask the Lord to give me His way to love, the perfect way.

After all, He loves me more than I can ever imagine.

He loves me enough to carry my train case.

He loves me enough to let me try it my way.

He loves me enough to forgive me of my sins.

He loves me enough to sacrifice life that I may have life.

To forgive me when I leave Him.

To accept me back, no questions asked, with open arms.

16 Years

It's been 16 years since we've been to one of our favorite camp spots, Salt Springs. Originally, all of my children and grandchildren were to join us...sometimes things just don't turn out the way we had hoped. I'm hoping that soon, everyone can be together for a large family camping trip.


This place is so huge, I can't begin to explain how vast! We use to camp here often with my older two children and built so many wonderful memories. We had gone three times after my third child, Emily was born, created more memories, then no more. I'm really not sure why we never went again, perhaps I was to caught up in life...I donno!

Two years ago we took a family camping trip with all my children, grandchildren, and siblings. Sadly, it wasn't what we had experienced in the past. It was special because so many of us were together.

It's camping to the core...no electricity, no running water(except the streams), no bathrooms (except for an out house, and my own personal potty.) I love being in the midst of Gods creation, it's so beautiful. With my new hearing aids, I was in awe over all the sounds I could hear(leaves, birds, streams, rushing feet of the squirrels)...so thankful!
Enjoy the photos

Our Favorite Camp Site

White Azalea

All set

Stream at our site

Love sleeping to this sound

Another view

Yet another

Perhaps a new site for next time

Stream at new campsite

another view
yet another

Roads for driving or hiking

Another beautiful fishing spot


These flowers blanket the sides of the road...

Beautiful

Love these clouds!

Calming, don't you think?

This bird was at our camp site.
I love how I can now hear them clearly!

5am

I love this photo, but it also makes me sad. You see, my other children and grandchildren were to be camping with us as well. There should be 8 others in this photo. Something else I realize, soon my boys will be on their own as well, and it will be back to just my husband and I. Enjoy every moment with your children, time really does fly!

Breathtaking...Yes?!

Your gonna miss this...

It's been quite sometime since my last post.

I've been struggling.

What a wonderful feeling I had just a few weeks ago...where did it go?

It's like when you return from a wonderful vacation. The entire time you were gone, you were living in the moment, soaking in the entire experience, a little taste of heaven...loving every minute, not a single worry...hoping it wouldn't end.

You come home, to the reality of your life...the bills, the emails, work, again you find yourself in warp drive, caught up in the world...longing for your vacation...missing those heavenly moments.
You see, I found myself in a Plan B (a must read book) moment...Wondering where God went? Why He isn't here the way I expected Him to be.

I have a confession...

Suddenly, I wondered...was I wrong...did I miss something?

You see, I couldn't figure out why my marriage was still a complete and utter mess. Prompted by the Lord, I confessed some things to my husband. What a relief I felt. Yet things didn't seem to be going as I thought they should.

My husband has started joining me at church and recovery(he didn't start to go because I told him to, both he and the Lord made certain of that. He went because, and I quote, "God called me back!") yet, something was missing. I thought God was going to renew the love in our marriage, make it all better. Then he stopped going to recovery. In my mind I thought, "now we haven't got a chance." Our relationship was still broken(recovery was to help mend it), instead of drawing closer, it seems the distance between us is even farther than before.

I pray...nothing!

Where are you?

In my weakness, my distorted thinking...I slip, take matters into my own hands. Impatient...I take control.

Oh, no you didn't, you say.

Sadly, I did.

Over, and over, I repeated...where are you? Why aren't you answering my prayers?!!

It took this long to hear Him? Why? Because I was looking within, not at Him.

The other night my husband and I got into a terrible fight, I found myself trying to control him, our marriage, as I have in the past. Trying to fulfill my destiny. I left with my Bible and found myself in Romans.

Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worship and serve created things, rather than the creator-who is forever praised-Amen.

Reality check-Your placing your marriage (an idol) above me...Wait!

Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgement on someone else, for whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgement do the same things.

Reality check-remove the log! Again, I tried to control my relationship, by pointing out his faults and how he can improve, making our marriage better.

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere, hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

12:10 Honor one another above yourselves.

12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Stop!

Hope...Patient...Faithful

By being impatient, not waiting on the Lord, I lost hope. Even though I continued to pray and read His word, because I was impatient...I put my faith in myself to solve my problems.

He says...wait...It's coming.

I begged for some sort of sign...wait!

I became so discouraged. I knew things would be hard, I just wasn't really willing to suffer, willing to wait. I suppose I thought, in some distorted way...things would be easy now that I really feel God's love. I was so disappointed, yet not surprised, at how quickly I fell back into my own ways(I knew Satan would attack). I never really thought I was not trusting God. I just don't have the patience to wait. I also felt guilty. Such pettiness, my problems compared to many others I know. I hate that I can be so self-centered at times.

Yesterday I read the following in my devotional, Jesus Calling.

When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts in the present moment. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me. Self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success.

Ah-ha! When people say God speaks in mysterious ways...IT'S TRUE!

The Lord has made me aware of my distorted thinking. The reliance I place on myself makes me my god. The success I might obtain, brag about, take credit for, is always temporary. I wind up in the same place every time...without hope, without faith.

I need to stop looking at the past, trying to control the future, and see the right here, right now. If I don't I might miss it.

I need to stop trying to control my destiny! I need to be patient, wait for each moment, living them as they come, one by one, if not...I'm gonna miss it.

I've just finished Plan B, by Pete Wilson, a book I strongly encourage you to read. He says:
"Instead of an answer, God offers us something better. He offers us a solution. He offers us the cross."

He doesn't offer us a life here on earth without trouble, for that we must wait. What He does offer is hope through Christ death.

There is no doubt that I will have moments where things are great, moments where things are worse. It's so important that I understand that my ways are not His ways. To live each moment (joy and pain) as they come...for it is in those moments I am alive! It frightens me to know that I live in the flesh, that I will continue to stumble. What I've realize...I need to wait...I have hope...I have a Savior. Thank the Lord, He didn't allow me to give up. I can see Him in my Plan B even when things aren't going the way I want things to go. Yesterday I shared what the Lord was saying to me with my husband, to my surprise(I shouldn't be surprised), he told me that he too found himself in the book of Romans. Amazing!

Right now, the Lord is in the process of remolding me into who He created me to be. That process includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. I need to just "settle down" and see things for what they truly are, not so blown out of proportion. I'm a work in progress.


I need to stay in the moment...if not...I'm gonna miss it!


Some lyrics from Trace Adkins, Your Gonna Miss This

your gonna miss this
your gonna want this back
your gonna wish these days
hadn't gone by so fast

these are some good times
so take a good look around
you may not know it now
but your gonna miss this...