A wretch like me...

I realize this is a long post, but it's an important post for me and there was no way to condense any of it.

This week as been a very emotional week. At first, I thought perhaps it had to do with missing my daughter Emily, and the feelings that have surfaced as a result of her physical absence. I began to see myself as a mother, and wasn't real thrilled with what I saw. I started to regret not holding my children often enough, not reading to them enough, not playing enough, not talking enough, not laughing enough, not really getting to know them. I realized, I spent way to much time cleaning house, planning meals, doing the laundry, paying the bills, and so on. I regret placing my two older children in the position of raising their three younger siblings, all so I could attend nursing school. I was consumed by my performance based perfectionism, wondering, what kind of damage have I done. I didn't just miss Emily, I missed all my children.

Throughout this week my mind has been filled with an influx of thoughts, of sins that have stained my life. Stains I haven't been able to get rid of, instead, I've just covered them up with a throw rug. What you see on the outside is clean, the inside...well...not so much.

Wednesday, on my way to the church Recovery meeting, I became consumed by tears. Not the tears you shed with a good movie. The shaking, sniffing, hysterical out of control, you can't understand a word I'm saying, snot dripping sobbing. I was struggling to understand why I was so emotional. I was trying to tell myself to get it together...you can't let people see you like this! Get a hold of yourself!!!

Somehow I managed to get a grip before entering church. After a few hugs and songs of praise, we sat to hear a young man's testimony. This young man is the same age as my oldest son. I could barely contain my tears during his testimony. So much so, that I wanted to get up and leave, to run far away. Instead, I stayed, captivated by his story. A story so similar to my own. I wept. Wept over how amazing God is in this young man's life. Wept, wondering if mine could be equally touched by God.

You see, I have not really been honest about who I am. Partially because I am still trying to figure out exactly who that is. But mostly, because I don't want to see who I really am. I'm disappointed in myself, in the choices I've made. I wish I wasn't so concerned about what others thought of me. I wish I didn't need to control everything and everyone. I wish I didn't have to be perfect. I wish I didn't need to be right. I wish I didn't care about how clean my house is or how much mony I have in retirement. I wish I could be good enough to earn my way into heaven.

My parents are good people, each with their own special qualities. We inherit certain traits from our parents...I've inherited their perfectionism. As a result, all that I do, all that I expect of others is performance based.

I was raised Catholic, and from a very young age struggled with the teachings of the church. I questioned so much. My parents didn't understand my point of view. Wanting to do what was right, and perform well for them, I continued to follow along the teachings of the church, yet I still struggled. I didn't see things the way my parents saw them. They seem to love God and know that He loves them, but I never felt the same way. I heard a different message.

Babies had to be baptized or they couldn't go to heaven right away if they died because they carried the unpardonable sin. As a baby, I was baptized. Later, first communion then confirmation, all rituals of the Catholic church. In my view, it was these steps that would take me to heaven. I feared doing anything wrong, thinking God would punish me either here on earth, or by placing me in hell or purgatory. I believed if I continued to sin, I would be forever lost. No matter how hard I tried...I kept sinning. Not just lying and stealing type of sins...worse...You have no idea what I've done! Perhaps, I'll share some things in another post. But for now, I'm struggling with the stains of those sins. All which are to difficult to speak of at this time.

In my first marriage I tried so hard to be a good Catholic. Again, it just wasn't working for me. After my divorce, I gave up on the Catholic faith because I felt God and the church gave up on me. Besides, I'm strong, nearly perfect...I can do this on my own. I returned to a life of drugs and alcohol, and yes, more sin, all with two children in tow.

About a year after my divorce, a coworker began speaking to me about his church. He asked if I would like to attend a revelation seminar. Realizing I was failing miserably at life, at my salvation, I thought, why not. I was amazed at how different things where in this church, the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Here I learned about baptism by immersion, about the sabbath, about clean and unclean foods, about how not to outwardly adorn yourself with jewelry and make-up...

My current husband attended the seminar with me, in December of 1991, we were baptized into the Adventist faith. I can't speak for my husband, but I realize now, I was baptized because I believed it was the right thing to do. I wasn't baptized the real way as a baby, so if I truly wanted to be saved, immersion was what I must to do.

Honestly, I never felt any different. Again, I found myself going though church rituals and still not feeling God's love and grace that everyone talks about. The church preached that you are saved by grace through faith, yet I continued to believe by following the teachings of the church, my good performance would get me into heaven.

Again, things started going bad. My marriage was failing, money was tight, but most importantly...Again, God was not answering my prayers.

I began to believe that God was punishing me for my sins. Disgusted by my life of sin, by what God wasn't doing for me, by feeling that being a Christian was more of a burden than joy, that I could never, ever, perform well enough to enter heaven, I quit.

For almost two years I've been going to a non denominational church. There have been times where scripture has spoken to me, but only for a short while. I quickly return to my ways (my control). Even here, I myself have typed post that have spoken to my heart, have actually blown me away, but soon thereafter, I lose faith, I fall right back into that sinful nature.

For the last few months, I have been feeling the Lord in my life. Honestly!! For the first time, I am seeing Christ. But in the back of my mind I've wondered, have a blown my chances at God's love and Grace. I have recently struggled with Hebrews 6:4-6 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

I was deeply moved by this Easter service. Christ crucifixion touches my heart deeply. The above verses makes me wonder, have I crucified Him again? Have I lost my way?

You readers don't know my sins! God knows. I've wondered...can He really love a wretch like me? Forgive me?

On this night, this young man was not scheduled to give his testimony. But, because of a certain chain of events, he spoke. I believe, all of this was the Lord's plan. His plan, to speak to me through this young man. His testimony was meant for me.

After his testimony, we split up into our small groups. Things became worse for me. I tried to listen to others share while fighting tears. Then, it was my turn to speak. I began sobbing inconsolably. What came out of my mouth blew my mind. I realized I had never been saved. I was my own savior. All I have done was performance based. I have never tasted the heavenly gift, the goodness of the word of God, shared in the Holy Spirit. I have not fallen away. For right now, right here in this room at almost 5o... I have been saved.

I am sobbing even now as I type. My sin stained life has been cleaned. I am so overwhelmed by the love of the Lord. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever felt such love. I feel like a bride the night before her wedding. Excited, anxious, frightened, anticipating the best is yet to come. This is real, I am being totally honest here about what I'm feeling. This young man's life was hardly what I would consider to be terrible, but he felt and knew with such certainty that the Lord loved and forgave him. Unreal!

I suppose your wondering why I say I'm frightened. I'm afraid because I know Satan will tear me apart. I'm afraid that I might turn to my old self. Here's the thing...I will have trouble, I know there will be seasons where I may feel as if I am alone. But, one thing I have now, that I didn't have then, is hope.

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:24-25

I would much rather continue in this life with the hope that someday I will be with the Lord forever, captivated by His love, than to not believe, die, and realized that what He promised exist and that I can't partake of it.

It's important for me to add something here. I am not in any way trying to discredit someone's religious belief. I'm sharing my discovery about the Lord. I'm simply stating, my struggles and how I have grown in Christ. I have seen so many true believers of the Lord's love in many, many, faiths. It just wasn't there for me until now. I tried so hard, by my own will to feel it. I see now it boils down to letting the Lord do the work, not me. I'm not expecting you to follow my belief. In fact, I have been bothered lately by the little "followers" sidebar I have here. I use to wonder why some people have more followers than I. I use to wonder how many people read my blog, yet didn't follow. Sometimes, it bothered me. Not anymore.

This post wasn't to save anyone, wasn't to get people to follow my blog. This post was to share the joy I feel about coming to know and understand the love and grace of the Lord for ME. Sure, I could have written in my journal about it (which I did), but this was to good to keep to myself. And, just like the Lord spoke to me through the young man's story that night, He just might speak to one of you through me. After all, at almost 50...He saved a wretch like me!

A New Season

I've been thinking about Spring. It's all about new growth. Trees are full of beautiful blossoms of many different colors, my favorite...pink cherry blossoms. Flowers begin to break its way up from the earth below, reaching towards the warmth of the sun's rays. Tiny little leaves begin to emerge from shrubs and trees. All things made new again.

Yesterday was the start of a new season for both my daughter Emily and myself.

In seasons past, things were cold, dark, scary, stale.

As a young girl, Emily was so full of life. She soaked in everything, found joy in everything, loved to sing and dance. She had this long blond hair with curls on the end, her eye's as blue as the sky, she saw the beauty in everything. Her hair, now brown, her eye's still blue, but have darkened by the trials of her life. By the time she became a teen, I could no longer protect her from the stings of those who bullied her. As a result, in an attempt to protect her spirit, without faith, she turned toward the dark side.

She loves people, and always tries to be kind to others. So when girls were mean to her, at first, she just didn't understand. I tried to teach her to continue to be nice, but, girls are just mean! They would isolate her. When she came to join others for lunch, one would whisper something, and all would walk away, leaving her alone. They would befriend her, gossip about her, make up lies about her, gang up on her, shatter her spirit.

She tried hard to remain kind and loving, but eventually she broke. In an attempt to protect her spirit, she felt no choice but to become cold, she fell into darkness, hopelessness. Her life began to spiral downward, out of control, nothing I did would change her attitude or behavior. Nothing I said would change her...well except,"I don't like you!" She soon began to fear for her life (many threatened her). She lost all hope! She had no will to live or change. No seventeen year old should feel this way.

When Emily was little, I taught about kindness to others. Do unto others as you would want done to you. We went to church until she was six, then I walked away from God, taking my children with me.

Like Emily, I too fell into the darkness and hopelessness. God wasn't doing for me what I wanted Him to do, or quick enough. I felt He just wasn't answering my prayers. I felt He was punishing me. I felt He had abandoned me. I felt I could do things on my own. I could control my destiny and the destiny of my family.

For years, I made decisions I thought was best for all. Those decisions were what held us captive by darkness. Now, don't misunderstand here, I am not taking full responsibility for Emily's actions or choices. I'm simply saying...I feel I may have influenced them in some ways.

Hopeless, helpless, lost...I returned to God. Unfortunately, for over 10 years my children knew/know little about the God of Hope...the God of love....the God of forgiveness...the Grace of God.

Over the past year, I've tried to share my faith in God with my children, but they would have no part. This was so foreign to them, unimaginable.

Things became worse between Emily and I. Emily began getting into more and more trouble, losing more hope in life. She became stagnant, she had no will or desire to change. She felt unloved by me, betrayed by friends, uncertain of who she is, of the direction her life should be going...she was lost.

The Recovery program I've been attending, helped me see that I still was in control. I was trying to control her life. I knew what was best for her, all she needed to do was listen to me.

It was here, I also realized that she is God's child.

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I realized, that He declares this same promise to my daughter as well. He doesn't just state His promise, He declares His promise. Declare means to affirm or confirm. Now that's one powerful promise!

What did I need to do...SURRENDER!

Once I surrendered all my control, and I prayed "your will, not mine", great things began to happen. I was able to clearly see what God wanted me to do. I wasn't real thrilled with His will, I wanted to take back that control, but I didn't.


His plans...It was time to give Emily a new beginning, new growth, a new season. My oldest daughter lives in another State, she(and her husband) agreed to let Emily move in with her. Once my husband and I confirmed this was what God wanted, we started making preparations for Emily. An amazing thing began to happen...Emily's expressions became brighter, she was full of hope.

Emily left yesterday. I can't say I'm not sad. Actually, I'm an emotional wreck. For a while, I felt like I failed as her mother. I was ashamed by my negative feelings toward her. I was upset, that I couldn't finish raising her. The thing is...I really struggled with how negatively I had treated her. How I had given up on her. How in my mind, because she wouldn't listen to me, I was justifying my behavior towards her. I was afraid she didn't realize the depth of my love for her. The depth of our Heavenly Fathers love for her. Oh, how I want her to feel His love, to cling to His promise. God opened my eyes to see that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. That His works are truly wonderful. Through God's Grace, I realize, my mistakes are forgiven, we are both His daughters and loved by Him more than we will ever be able to comprehend.

While she was getting ready, something happened that gave me a sense of peace. She was singing again. Most importantly, she was singing "My God is Mighty to Save"
(My children have been listening!)


At the last minute I presented her with a gift from my husband and I, a cross. I explained to her, that when ever she is frightened or uncertain to hold on to the Cross and remember Jesus loves you. To realize that at the Cross, all sins are forgiven, because He loves us so. To trust in His promise, to pray for His guidance, to listen to His voice, to follow His light!

Yesterday, began a new season for both Emily and I. All things are made new!

I miss and love her so much it hurts. One thing for certain...God's love for her is much greater than mine...He is Mighty to Save!




Will you all please uplift Emily in prayer as she begins her new season.

PAID IN FULL

Almost 35 years ago, I bought my first car. A forest green 1973 Mercury Capri. My father graciously agreed to co-sign a loan for me for two years. Afraid to risk ruining my credit, I diligently paid my car payments every month. Besides, my father told me "you miss a payment, I take the car."

I remember how excited I was to show my friends my car. (You really don't think of the bank as owning your car at that age). Even though I had the car in my possession, I didn't quite own it. I was required to regularly make payments. Once the final payment was made, I received the loan document with the words...PAID IN FULL stamped across. It was at that moment, I realized I owned my car free and clear, all for a hefty price. (Well, hefty for a 17 year old).

This was my first real experience with a major purchase. I remember how much I had to sacrifice to maintain those payments on a monthly basis. In the end, to me, it was worth every sacrifice.

A lot has happened during these last few weeks in Recovery, the most important-getting to know Jesus at a much more intimate level.

Good Friday and the events that take place leading up to Easter Suday moves me emotionally. What makes this time so emotional for me, Christ on the cross. At this scene, I weep inconsolably. It's so difficult for me, it shames me to know that He made the final payment for my sins, for my salvation. I just don't feel worthy and I can't understand why I can't be good. How many times will He forgive me...Seventy times seven. Will there ever be a sin for which there is no forgiveness?

What I've realized is He's forgiven...

The adulterous "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:11

A sinful women "Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48

A criminal "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Luke 23:4

All who crucified Him "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."
Luke 23:34

There are so many more situations where He has forgiven.

I no longer have to make monthly payments for my sins, Christ made the final payment for me. His ransomed life redeemed my salvation. I didn't have to sacrifice anything, He sacrificed for me. An ultimate sacrifice...He laid down His life for me. Why?

I've been trying to wrap my brain around this. What makes me so special?

In Websters, the word ransom, when used as a verb means: to deliver. Free from captivity or punishment by paying a price.

Why? Because God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world but to save the world through Him. John 3:16-17

God gave His Son. When we give something to someone, it's a gift. God has graciously given us the gift of eternal life through Jesus. There are no strings attached, no cost to me...it's GRACE!

What makes me so special? I am created by God, for God. He has a purpose for me. That purpose, to live my life by GRACE.

God knows we are all sinners by nature, He knows we will continue to sin. Something I've come to realize through Recovery is GRACE. God has resurfaced some of my past sins, as a result, I have confessed some of them. You know what I've received...forgiveness, freedom, and unconditional love. That's GRACE! No matter how much I can't forgive myself, God forgives me, and Christ shed His blood for me.

Jesus life and death was for one purpose, to free all from captivity by suffering the punishment in our behalf. What did it cost me-nothing. What did it cost Jesus- His life. Why did He do it...for love. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:12

As I sit at the Cross, I am deeply moved by this unmerited love Jesus has shed for me. To Jesus, I'm worth the sacrifice. He has made the final payment...my salvation... PAID IN FULL!

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's GRACE that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
Ephesians 1:7-8

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His GRACE, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith-and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:6-8