Broken Bridges

"I have choices, every second of the day, to serve my Lord. To honor Him with my speech and with my thoughts, with the way I love those around me and the way I worship Him. Every moment, there is another opportunity, and I want to use as many of them as He will allow. In fact, Scripture tells me that one day I will stand before Him, and I will (symbolically) hand the King of all Kings a tattered scrapbook of my days. It is up to me to decide what the pages will reveal.
There are many, many pages I want to rip up and hide...maybe you do too. But that shouldn't consume me. Rather, I want to focus on the beauty of this gift that the Lord has given."
-Angie Smith

I have started this post along time ago. I simply couldn't figure out how to finish it, until now, after reading Angie's latest blog post. God gave me the remaining words.

I had a terrible day yesterday. It was full of anxiety. I found myself crying for no reason. I just felt like I had nothing left to give anyone. In an attempt to rid myself of this overwhelming anxiety, I cleaned and cleaned.

Later that evening, I went out with a very dear friend, Lindsey. As we sat having a glass of wine, I told her about how I was feeling. She preceded to tell me I do have more to give, I just need to pray about it and God will help. I need not rely on others to make me feel loved, it's God's love I need, then all else will fall into place. I just love her.

Once home, Ben and I watch a movie together. I had watched it a few days ago, but need the insight from a "guy's" perspective. We had a great time. He amazed me with his analogy of the movie...gosh, he's smart. What started out to appear to be a horrible day, ended great.

It seems that human nature causes us to make decisions we sometimes regret. We say things, we later wish we hadn't...do things, we wish we never did...leave, when we should have stayed...hurt, when we should have loved...the result...broken bridges with those we love.

You can see them standing on the other side, yet struggle to reach them. Either you're not ready to reach or you're waiting for them to make the first move. How do you repair the bridge? Can you? Will they ever forgive you, can you forgive?

As I look at my life, there has been many broken bridges. Some repaired, some still in need of repair. Why do I make these choices? I believe it's because I've been attacked by Satan. Why do I believe him? I really don't know...am I weak, caught up in want, pride, selfishness, envy, jealousy, and so on. Has he actually manipulated my mind to believe I deserve all these things.

In order to repair a broken bridge, both sides need not be willing. Words from one of my favorite song's come to mind. Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior. Shine your light and let the whole world see, we're singing for the glory of a risen King, Jesus.

It may be difficult at times to reach, we can't let pride or fear of rejection get in the way. In reflecting Christ character, we can give compassion and forgiveness to those on the other side.
It's that simple. They don't have to be at that same point. We can't control others, only ourselves.

Angie's blog describes moments of our lives as photographs forever engraved in our minds, a scrapbook of our days. Do you have a bridge in need of repair?...Start today, create new photos for your scrapbook.

Perfectionism- A Stronghold

I have received many messages and prayers from those I love deeply and others whom I have never met. I want to thank each and everyone of you for your prayers. As a result, I have truly felt God's presence in my life and heart.

I have been spending a lot of time in scripture and a few awesome books. One book in particular by Charles Stanley, Source of My Strength, has helped me believe that I can do all things through Jesus Christ.

As I reflect on my life, the times that I felt safe, is when Jesus was the center of my life. Unfortunately, because of influences in this world and my own destructive thinking, I pulled away from Him and tried to control my life. What I have realized, is from the moment God created me, He had plans for me. Living in this fallen world, I will never be without struggles and temptation, and only through Him will I survive. I can get angry, frustrated, yell, or blame God for what happens in my life..it's okay...He can handle it, for He knows that in the end it will draw me closer to Him...all I need to do, is trust. And when I stumble or sin, God has made provisions for that...I have an advocate, Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8. His sacrifice on the cross is all the provisions I need to rid me of my guilt and sin. It is through Jesus, I become adequate in the eyes of the Lord...that's all that matters.

My most debilitating stronghold, is that of perfectionism. For all my life I have constantly pushed myself and others to be perfect, in attempt to control my life, to control others. I needed to succeed at all cost, which ultimately lead to my exhaustion and inability to cope with life. I had come to define myself by how perfect my life was, getting A's through college, how clean my house was, how much money I saved, how well behaved my children were, taking on more than I could handle, and never admitting I couldn't handle it. It was important that I was recognized by others by my works. Their praise and approval made me feel worthy...valuable.

Not only did my perfectionism ultimately destroy me, it destroyed those I love dearly. I never expected anything from anyone that I didn't expect from myself. I am ashamed at how much pressure I have put on my children, my husband and my family, to live up to my expectations. Nothing was ever good enough. Ultimately, I crushed their spirits and caused them to feel like failures. That just breaks my heart. I have realized, that what I say to my children and spouse has a huge impact on the way they see themselves. God made me see how important it is to build up my family. To see through His eyes, that we are of His perfection.

I've been so exhausted over the last few weeks. At first, I couldn't sleep, my mind was still focused on how I could be perfect. How I can change and control things in my life. I continued to play the tape over and over in my mind, of how important is was to be perfect at everything. As I read His word, and prayed, God gave me rest. I slept, prayed and read scripture. I turned my eyes and my heart fully to Jesus. I realized, I can't change anything...only He can. I realized, by trying to be perfect, I was telling God that I wasn't happy with how He made me. Jesus says to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2Corinthians 12:9.

My weakness showed me how Christ can strengthen me. My weakness provided the opportunity to restore my faith and love in Christ. I cannot do anything on my own. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I no longer have to struggle to be perfect, God doesn't expect me to be perfect...He just wants me to have a relationship with Him and trust He will do the rest. Isn't that awesome!

To rest in the comfort of the loving arms of my heavenly Father, brings me peace. I want to bring everything to Him. He loves me and wants the best for me. However; I must realize, it is on His time not mine...another stronghold.

As I pray daily, asking God to show me what is His will for my life, I am comforted. I know, at times I may stumble and fall, but He is there to pick me up every single time. He gives me grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He meets me where ever I am. God's love for me is more than I can imagine. His love for you is greater than you will ever understand. A love so great, He sent His son to sacrifice His life so that we may be saved, have eternal life. I am resting in the arms of Jesus.

I pray for myself and those who struggle with perfectionism. Lord, we cannot control our lives, only you can. Heal us from the inside out. Teach us to live our lives through your eyes, mold and guide us to be what you created us to be. I give you my life.

Ricky's Memorial Bench

After almost two years, Ricky's memorial bench is finally finished. I would like to thank those of you who donated to his memorial fund.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this little face... Ricky, was an infant born at Saint Mary's, the hospital where I work. He was admitted to our NICU department, where he spent the first seven months of his life. As a result of drug exposure in utero, he suffered severe intestinal problems. Unable to eat any thing by mouth, fed through a tube in his stomach and was on IV fluids all of his life, he resembles the image of a malnourished child. He was loved dearly by everyone in our NICU department, and across the world through his website.

One nurse in particular, and a close friend, Meghan, took on the role of being his foster mother. He was with Meghan for the remaining five months of his life. His death was felt by many, his life touched us even more.

"A Little Life, A Lasting Legacy" is an article written by Meghan and her mom, Sondra Brunsting. It is published in The Journal of Christian Nursing. What an honor.

This bench will be placed on campus at Saint Mary's. "I'm Alive, I'm Alive" is a lullaby played daily for him. The scripture reading is from 1Peter 5:10. To view the pictures closer, just click on each photo.

His legacy continues to touch the lives of many everyday through his website. You can read about Ricky on his website, link located under my favorites. Again, many thanks to those who contributed to his memorial.

I am broken...Part 2

I spent quite a bit of time this morning reading the bible and have made some incredible discovery's.

First, I want to spend some time discussing depression, and how difficult it can be to overcome. There are some of you out there who have occasionally suffered from depression, and may have been feeling a little down for a day or two. Anyone who suffers from chronic depression always describes it the same way..."the darkness," an intense depth of despair. It is here where we judge and punish ourselves. There isn't any horrific life circumstance that takes us there...we just end up there, and have no idea why.

We become held captive to what we consider our "fallen life" and ultimately, we are the darkness. Occasionally, we will reach out to others, but many times not. For those who have never experienced it, you don't know what to say. You tell us it will be okay, you're here for us, it will pass, your life is what you make of it, and finally... just snap out of it. My friends, I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, we judge and punish ourselves more, simply because we failed to get out... for you, for us.

When I picked up my bible this morning, I began to search out scripture on darkness. What I found is that where there is darkness...there is light. In almost every reference, the darkness is Satan... the light is God, the word of God, or Jesus our Savior. And then, I read: I have become like broken pottery. Psalms 31:12.

Hmmm! Who put me in this depression?... Satan. His pursuit began the moment I started to repair my broken pottery, spending time with the Lord, trying to cling to Him. I became of great concern to Satan. You see, for a long time I had walked along the edge of that pit of despair. As soon as I began moving farther from that edge and closer to God, a once concern for Satan, was now a threat. The only thing left for him to do was throw me into that pit. Satan's attack was hard and strong. Day and night he kept at it until, I stumbled and fell. I just couldn't take it anymore. So exhausted from the struggle, I just gave in.

The entire time I was trying to get closer to the Lord, Satan was carefully planning his attack. He knew the secrets of my past, he knew of my deep wounds and resentments, he knew of my guilt and shame, and now, he was going to use them against me. I had chosen to be distant from God for such a long time...making Satan victorious. And now, he was not going to be defeated. He had a hold of me many times before and was determined to capture me again. The closer my relationship with God, the harder he fought, until... "the darkness."
But where there is darkness...there is light!

A Prayer: To you, O Lord, I called:
to the Lord I cried for mercy"
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me:
O Lord, be my help."
Psalms 30:8-10

The Rescue: He reached down from on high and
took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
2Samuel 22:17-20

His Love: Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Psalms 31:16

The Light: "I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will never walk in
darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
Psalms 119:105

In both the old and new testament, we read about this battle between the darkness and light. This darkness goes back to the beginning of creation, and will continue. Did scripture not speak to me today...Wow! Slowly, I am coming up to breathe. I will be on my toes, constantly looking over my shoulder...for I know he is near. He will attack again. What do I do now...I cling to Christ and his word.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

My battle is not over. I have but one request. Pray that the Lord be my light. Pray that I cleave to the Father and not let Satan bind me to this pit of despair. Help me keep my eyes upon Jesus.

The Awakening...

An email from a dear friend.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out 'ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.' And, like a child, quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

...This is your awakening.
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you. Then, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. So you begin making your way through the 'reality of today' rather than holding out for the 'promise of tomorrow.' You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: -- how you should look and how much you should weigh -- what you should wear and where you should shop -- where you should live or what type of car your should drive -- who you should sleep with and how you should behave -- who you should marry and why you should stay -- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a 'perfect 10'.... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval. And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a 'consumer' hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.

Then you discover that 'it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of 'creating' & 'contributing' rather than 'obtaining' & 'accumulating.' And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams. And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you.

So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment. You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given.

You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that 'alone' does not mean 'lonely' and you begin to discover the joy of spending time 'with yourself' and 'on yourself.' Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely an act of Satan. And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is Gods inexhaustible love.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my 'God' to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this - You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.

I am broken...Part 1

This past week hasn't been a good week. For almost all my life I have suffered with depression.
Is it a biological, chemical imbalance, life's circumstances, or both? I don't really know. What I do know, is I suffer from it...and it is just the most agonizing, sorrowful experience. I am so broken, in a million pieces, how do I put them back together?

Sometimes it last a few days, and sometimes it last for years. I become so consumed with the emotions of my world, I can't take it. I find myself falling into this hole...it is dark...it is cold...it is lonely. I try, really try, to climb my way out. I can barely see the light at the top, for the more I dig, the deeper I get. Finally, I just can't fight anymore. Just like the spirit of Jacob Marley, I am bound by the chains of my fallen life. I am exhausted from the struggle, becoming totally non functional.

I have been on medication, gone to counseling, tried to kill myself. It does get better, but it doesn't ever really go away. Like any other illness, you learn to deal with it. When I say deal with it, you just try to hang on, while on that roller coaster ride...your life, to the best of your abilities. It will disappear for a while, and I will be functional again...or am I?

When I arrive at this point...just curled up at the bottom of this pit...no visible light...I need to just be.
This may be difficult for many to understand...it takes all my energy just to breath, to eat, to sleep, to take care of myself, to take care of my family, to think, to pray.
Reality, I simply can't do any of those things.
Honestly, I don't want to.
Unfortunately, I am trapped within my mind. Going over and over again, the most painful times in my life.

You see, I think I feel safe in this hole, no one can reach me, no one can hurt me. I don't have to respond, react to this world. I just think...and think...and think. Unfortunately, there comes a time when I just have to pull myself up to survive. I don't think I really survive for me...it is for them. The guilt I feel for abandoning them to the dark side, eventually tugs at my heart and soul...Then I feel worse, like a failure...selfish. I don't want to hurt those I love. Our life is suppose to be about doing and giving to others...am I right?

Here in this hole is where my faith in God becomes weak...this is usually when I tend to leave him.

Can't you hear me! ?

I am crying here, just dying!

Can't you see me! ?

I can't take it any longer! Where are you?! ...and so I wait.

Why do I always go down the path of despair....Where is this path of righteousness?
When I am in this pit, it becomes so difficult for me to believe... to trust. I feel abandoned. Every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month that passes in this darkness, makes it harder and harder for me to trust.

I realize, so many others are facing difficult times in their lives. Some I hear about, others I read of on other blogs, makes mine seem so small, like a period at the end of a sentence. The cross they have to carry...oh, how heavy...how do they continue on. What makes them so strong...have faith...trust. Depression, that is my cross...it too is heavy.

I know you want to call, to talk, to help me. Please understand, I just can't right now...I need to just be. My phone is turned off, my messages just sit in the inbox. It is comforting to know that in this fallen world...there are those who still love. What I need more than anything, is prayer. Show him to me, for I can't see through the darkness. I know this will pass, it usually does. Usually, when I am out, I see where God has been with me, besides me in that hole. I just hate this process.

A favorite song, from MercyMe, entitled, Coming Up To Breath...is what my life has been.

Sometimes I listen to it over and over...

"Coming Up To Breathe"

I'm in way too deep
I've forgotten how to swim
I can't tell which way is up or down
Save me before I drown down here
I just need some air

I'm coming up to breathe
Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I just need to break these chains
I just need to leave this place
Before now this was all I knew
But with just one glimpse of You I see
You're the air I need

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I've done everything I can
To get myself up on dry land
Lord, here I am again
Reaching for Your hand

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

Soon, I'll be coming up to breathe