I am broken...Part 1

This past week hasn't been a good week. For almost all my life I have suffered with depression.
Is it a biological, chemical imbalance, life's circumstances, or both? I don't really know. What I do know, is I suffer from it...and it is just the most agonizing, sorrowful experience. I am so broken, in a million pieces, how do I put them back together?

Sometimes it last a few days, and sometimes it last for years. I become so consumed with the emotions of my world, I can't take it. I find myself falling into this hole...it is dark...it is cold...it is lonely. I try, really try, to climb my way out. I can barely see the light at the top, for the more I dig, the deeper I get. Finally, I just can't fight anymore. Just like the spirit of Jacob Marley, I am bound by the chains of my fallen life. I am exhausted from the struggle, becoming totally non functional.

I have been on medication, gone to counseling, tried to kill myself. It does get better, but it doesn't ever really go away. Like any other illness, you learn to deal with it. When I say deal with it, you just try to hang on, while on that roller coaster ride...your life, to the best of your abilities. It will disappear for a while, and I will be functional again...or am I?

When I arrive at this point...just curled up at the bottom of this pit...no visible light...I need to just be.
This may be difficult for many to understand...it takes all my energy just to breath, to eat, to sleep, to take care of myself, to take care of my family, to think, to pray.
Reality, I simply can't do any of those things.
Honestly, I don't want to.
Unfortunately, I am trapped within my mind. Going over and over again, the most painful times in my life.

You see, I think I feel safe in this hole, no one can reach me, no one can hurt me. I don't have to respond, react to this world. I just think...and think...and think. Unfortunately, there comes a time when I just have to pull myself up to survive. I don't think I really survive for me...it is for them. The guilt I feel for abandoning them to the dark side, eventually tugs at my heart and soul...Then I feel worse, like a failure...selfish. I don't want to hurt those I love. Our life is suppose to be about doing and giving to others...am I right?

Here in this hole is where my faith in God becomes weak...this is usually when I tend to leave him.

Can't you hear me! ?

I am crying here, just dying!

Can't you see me! ?

I can't take it any longer! Where are you?! ...and so I wait.

Why do I always go down the path of despair....Where is this path of righteousness?
When I am in this pit, it becomes so difficult for me to believe... to trust. I feel abandoned. Every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month that passes in this darkness, makes it harder and harder for me to trust.

I realize, so many others are facing difficult times in their lives. Some I hear about, others I read of on other blogs, makes mine seem so small, like a period at the end of a sentence. The cross they have to carry...oh, how heavy...how do they continue on. What makes them so strong...have faith...trust. Depression, that is my cross...it too is heavy.

I know you want to call, to talk, to help me. Please understand, I just can't right now...I need to just be. My phone is turned off, my messages just sit in the inbox. It is comforting to know that in this fallen world...there are those who still love. What I need more than anything, is prayer. Show him to me, for I can't see through the darkness. I know this will pass, it usually does. Usually, when I am out, I see where God has been with me, besides me in that hole. I just hate this process.

A favorite song, from MercyMe, entitled, Coming Up To Breath...is what my life has been.

Sometimes I listen to it over and over...

"Coming Up To Breathe"

I'm in way too deep
I've forgotten how to swim
I can't tell which way is up or down
Save me before I drown down here
I just need some air

I'm coming up to breathe
Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I just need to break these chains
I just need to leave this place
Before now this was all I knew
But with just one glimpse of You I see
You're the air I need

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I've done everything I can
To get myself up on dry land
Lord, here I am again
Reaching for Your hand

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

Soon, I'll be coming up to breathe