"A Holiday"

I have been so frustrated and discouraged lately, I decided it was time for "A Holiday."
I got on the earliest flight and came to spend some time with my oldest daughter, her husband, and my grandchildren.

As I sat on the plane, I couldn't help but remember the first time I flew to see them. Just thinking about it brought a smile to my face and a little chuckle only I could hear. I'd like to share the story of my first plane trip here.

Anxious and excited I boarded the plane. I was one of the last ten or so people to board, which put me towards the back of the plane. I sat on the isle seat. My neighbor, a gentleman in the window seat. After carefully putting my things under the seat, I was just about to listen to my iPod when the flight attendant began her spiel.

Wahwah wahwah...wait, did she say Boise. In a panic, I turned to the gentleman next to me saying, "I'm on the wrong plane!" I quickly scooped up my things and headed for the door, which they hadn't closed yet. (Thank goodness) I actually got off the plane, was at the entrance to the runway, when the woman who took our boarding passes asked me what was wrong. Still in a panic I replied, "I got on the wrong plane, could you tell me where the plane is... departing from...?" I handed her my ticket. Ma'am, you're on the right plane, with one stop in Boise. WHAT!?

I run down the runway, the door was still open, whew! Humbly, I explained to the flight attendant, "apparently, this is the right flight after all." I could feel the redness in my face. Trying to avoid eye contact, I quickly found a seat. Again without eye contact, placed my things under the seat, put my earplugs in and took a deep breath. With a sly glance to the right I noticed I was sitting next to the same gentleman. Feeling the need to justify my actions, I preceded to explain, that I don't hear very well and went into a panic mode. (I left panic mode out) I am now so embarrassed, I just want to duck in my seat, blend with my surroundings.

The flight was nice, about an hour. Once we landed, again the flight attendant started talking. For those of you without a hearing deficit, over a microphone this is what everything sounds like to the hearing impaired....Wahwah Wawah. You know, like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Having no clue as to what she just said, I turn to the gentleman and politely ask, "what did she just say?" With a very serious look on his face he said "STAY ON THE PLANE!" I'm so embarrassed.

Once the plane was nearly empty I noticed people moving from the back of the plane to the front. Good idea, I gathered my things and preceded to the front of the plane where I was met by a flight attendant. Hands out in front of her in the stop position, she said, "Ma'am, STAY ON THE PLANE!" Another embarrassing moment! I arrived at my destination on time, leaving quite an impression and I'm sure a topic of conversation for all involved.

Yes, I remembered this trip to stay on the plane. It has been a great trip so far. I got to play with my grandchildren my first night here. They really have grown. I have a little difficulty understanding the little ones. Sounds a lot like the flight attendant... Wahwah wahwah! Logan my grandson, even made a comment when my daughter was trying to tell me something I failed to respond to. "She can't hear you", he said... I had to laugh.


I am having a nice time. The first night I spent playing with the kids. The following day, my daughter and I spent some one on one time at her mother-in-laws home in the mountains. We watched a movie, ate and ate. We really had a great time. I miss spending time with her.

Happy moments.

Out boating.

Yummy!

First night, cooking with their play kitchen set.


Mother & Daughter night...beautiful sunset.

A Skinned Knee, Brick Wall & A Sunrise

I know many of my readers are parents, and are familiar with the crushed spirit of your child when the come to you, skinned knee and sobbing. Sometimes it isn't a skinned knee...sometimes it is a crushed spirit or broken heart.

When you see the pain and suffering in your child, your heart aches. You quickly pull out your emergency kit and prepare to clean and cover their wound. It doesn't matter if they are infants, toddlers or adults, we still feel the urgency to make the hurt go away. That's our job.

Sometimes the wound is larger than expected and the damage horrifying. What do we do? We scoop them up in our arms and try to comfort and assure them, it will be okay. While a skinned knee is easy to band aid, damage to their heart, mind, and spirit can be difficult to touch, to comfort. What happens when the damage is so great that even you can't imagine how this hurt will go away? How will they heal? How to deal with the pain and agony in your own heart over what has happened? Questions, right now I am struggling to find an answer.

Yes, one of my children has a "boo boo" and I can't fix it. I heard that blood curdling scream of pain and bolted to the rescue. Seeing/hearing the fear and pain in their face/voice, and the moment I saw the damaged, I questioned God. Where were you? How could he let this happen? My faith has again run into a brick wall. I have come to a screeching halt. I will not go into any details with anyone, so please respect my privacy. We're hanging by a thread here, faith is on the line.

I know of only a few things that I can do...

First, to ask all of you for your prayers. Pray for strength to get through this. Hope for a future. Understanding where God fits in all this, and to trust He is with me and my family during this time.

Second, Keep wearing my armor and maybe borrow one of yours for added protection.
Keep praying, for the moment I stop... Satan will have won. I have come to far to let that happen. I know that God is hurting right along with me, He is here by my side. As deep as the wound appears right now, without God, it would be much worse. In my prayers and search for answers I have come across the following.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
2Corinthians 1:3-5

The current series in my church is on The Lies We Believe. I went back and listened to the sermon entitled, I Am Exempt From Pain. I realized sometimes as Christan's we tell ourselves that Christ is watching over us therefore we shouldn't be inflicted with pain and suffering. In this fallen world there is pain and suffering, it is unavoidable. But we can find comfort through Christ in prayer, scripture and His promise.

Pastor Dan read the following scripture:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surprisingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. 2Corinthians 13:7-9

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthians 12:10

It took a few times for me to hear and read before I understood exactly how to apply this to my circumstance. The thorn represents Satan's attack on my soul. He absolutely does not want me to turn or trust in God. Through my pain (weakness) God wants one thing from me, my total dependence upon Him. To trust this was not His plan. To know He was there, it could have been much worse, and He continues to be with me and my family. To cling to His promise to NEVER leave me, and to hold fast to my faith in Him to make me strong.

As a friend put it...Let Christ carry you. He will become the rock on which I can firmly stand. In my darkness, He will bring yet another beautiful sunrise.


Finally, Kisses, hugs and I love you always!

Mommy
****************************************************************************
I just finished listening to another one of my favorite songs, Healer by Hillsong United.
I am filled with comfort and peace.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

A Battle

Last night was a horrible night, I hardly slept.

Just when I started to feel like I was able to breathe again, Satan made is attack. I was consumed by an influx of thoughts. You call yourself a Christian, you're not even close. You're a terrible mother, you aren't there for your children...so busy at work and negotiations, nagging all the time. You're a terrible wife, again, nagging all the time...you're just never satisfied. He works hard too, you know. You don't clean your house like you should. When was the last time you prepared a decent meal for your family? You call yourself a daughter/sister, when was the last time you really spent time with your parents/siblings...true quality time. Listening to them, their needs, instead of focusing on your own. A friend you say, yeah right.

I woke this morning feeling so anxious and depressed I couldn't stand it. My heart pounding, my stomach in knots...I just wanted to vomit. I felt like my entire life was nothing but failure. It took all my energy just to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor. I felt like I literally had to say to myself...."put one foot in front of the other" over and over and over. I tried, really tried. By nine, I felt so badly beaten I just wanted to go back to bed. I just wanted to rest.

I crawled back in bed and visioned myself lying against my Saviors chest with his arms around me and I prayed. Lord, I am so weary, shield me, let me find rest in your arms. I just need to sleep. Protect me from Satan. We have been at battle and I can't protect myself.

The second attack started. This time from a different angle. You deserve better. No one appreciates what you do. They all take advantage of you. Your husband doesn't love you like he should, you could do better. No one really cares about your feelings. It's all lies just to get you to feel sorry for them. Your so tired because you do everything for them. No one does anything for you. It is time to move on...get out.

Ughhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Shut Up!...Still no sleep.

Dear Lord, help me! Can you hear me! Shield me, I feel all alone here.

The third attack. You know this is all God's fault. He can't save you. It is up to you, you must trust yourself. You know what you need to do. If God really cared about you, He would not let you suffer like this. You've been praying...has He answered your prayers...didn't think so. There is no such thing as God. He simply doesn't exist.

Shut up!

Jesus, I'm here...are you there? Dear God, please help me.

I tried to get up. I showered and went out with the family....still feeling miserably. It felt like all the blood had been drained from me. Just to speak took all my energy. Once home again, I went straight to bed. More prayers. Jesus...are you there? I am so alone, help me to fight off these thoughts. I have to get out of here. He (Satan) is everywhere.

I felt like I lost the battle. My spirit so badly bruised, I had nothing left to give. I felt like I had no hope, like I was abandoned. Then, my daughter sent me this.

This was a thunder storm in their area last night. I have always been fascinated by thunder storms. I think they're beautiful. While looking at the photos, I couldn't help but ask myself, why God would create such a thing.

Then He whispered.... I was at battle....for you.

Really? Then why do I feel still feel so alone?

Seek and ye shall find me.

Am I missing something here? Is there a door I have not opened?

Yes.

Then show me. Open the door!

In time, when you're ready...you will see.

I'm ready now! Please help me. Show me what I am missing.

Patience...Keep praying, I hear all your prayers.

If you have been reading my blog, you all know...I am not the most patient person.

Still feeling like I need to take matters in my own hands, I left for my parents house for a few days. While driving, I listened to my Christian music and prayed and prayed. During that hour and a half drive, several things and memories came to mind.

The first memory is that of my grandfather. He too suffered terribly from depression and anxiety. I remember one specific time, he looked so beaten. His face showed the exhaustion of one in battle of the mind. Knowing I had the same difficulties, he reached his hand out to me, asking how I get through it. He begged me to help him. "I can't get rid of these thoughts" he said. I remember telling him, "It's okay Gramps, just try to think about happy times." " Don't let it get the best of you...Fight it!".....I was in my early 20's, little did I know, how so difficult it is to do. Easier said than done. I feel bad, I wish I could have been there more for him.

Next, I realized that perhaps I wasn't "running" away. I was going somewhere safe... home. I was going to my earthly father's home. What better place to see and feel the resemblance of my Heavenly Fathers comfort and love.

I'm here now. As I type tears, blur my vision from the keyboard, for I am hurting. This has been a difficult post. I feel the need to type, to make it real...to read it later and find hope. My stomach is still in knots and I must admit I am terrified to try to sleep. I have hope and faith that Jesus is with me, right by my side fighting this battle. He will not forsake me.

Am I scared...yes. I am frightened, that I will take the easy road...the one where we lose faith and think we can do it on our own. I've been there, I know it doesn't work like that, but I am only human. I will cling to the cross, where Jesus saved me! He is with me now and always, I will win this battle! Will I stumble...perhaps, but He is so good...he will pick me up and carry me.