A Battle

Last night was a horrible night, I hardly slept.

Just when I started to feel like I was able to breathe again, Satan made is attack. I was consumed by an influx of thoughts. You call yourself a Christian, you're not even close. You're a terrible mother, you aren't there for your children...so busy at work and negotiations, nagging all the time. You're a terrible wife, again, nagging all the time...you're just never satisfied. He works hard too, you know. You don't clean your house like you should. When was the last time you prepared a decent meal for your family? You call yourself a daughter/sister, when was the last time you really spent time with your parents/siblings...true quality time. Listening to them, their needs, instead of focusing on your own. A friend you say, yeah right.

I woke this morning feeling so anxious and depressed I couldn't stand it. My heart pounding, my stomach in knots...I just wanted to vomit. I felt like my entire life was nothing but failure. It took all my energy just to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor. I felt like I literally had to say to myself...."put one foot in front of the other" over and over and over. I tried, really tried. By nine, I felt so badly beaten I just wanted to go back to bed. I just wanted to rest.

I crawled back in bed and visioned myself lying against my Saviors chest with his arms around me and I prayed. Lord, I am so weary, shield me, let me find rest in your arms. I just need to sleep. Protect me from Satan. We have been at battle and I can't protect myself.

The second attack started. This time from a different angle. You deserve better. No one appreciates what you do. They all take advantage of you. Your husband doesn't love you like he should, you could do better. No one really cares about your feelings. It's all lies just to get you to feel sorry for them. Your so tired because you do everything for them. No one does anything for you. It is time to move on...get out.

Ughhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Shut Up!...Still no sleep.

Dear Lord, help me! Can you hear me! Shield me, I feel all alone here.

The third attack. You know this is all God's fault. He can't save you. It is up to you, you must trust yourself. You know what you need to do. If God really cared about you, He would not let you suffer like this. You've been praying...has He answered your prayers...didn't think so. There is no such thing as God. He simply doesn't exist.

Shut up!

Jesus, I'm here...are you there? Dear God, please help me.

I tried to get up. I showered and went out with the family....still feeling miserably. It felt like all the blood had been drained from me. Just to speak took all my energy. Once home again, I went straight to bed. More prayers. Jesus...are you there? I am so alone, help me to fight off these thoughts. I have to get out of here. He (Satan) is everywhere.

I felt like I lost the battle. My spirit so badly bruised, I had nothing left to give. I felt like I had no hope, like I was abandoned. Then, my daughter sent me this.

This was a thunder storm in their area last night. I have always been fascinated by thunder storms. I think they're beautiful. While looking at the photos, I couldn't help but ask myself, why God would create such a thing.

Then He whispered.... I was at battle....for you.

Really? Then why do I feel still feel so alone?

Seek and ye shall find me.

Am I missing something here? Is there a door I have not opened?

Yes.

Then show me. Open the door!

In time, when you're ready...you will see.

I'm ready now! Please help me. Show me what I am missing.

Patience...Keep praying, I hear all your prayers.

If you have been reading my blog, you all know...I am not the most patient person.

Still feeling like I need to take matters in my own hands, I left for my parents house for a few days. While driving, I listened to my Christian music and prayed and prayed. During that hour and a half drive, several things and memories came to mind.

The first memory is that of my grandfather. He too suffered terribly from depression and anxiety. I remember one specific time, he looked so beaten. His face showed the exhaustion of one in battle of the mind. Knowing I had the same difficulties, he reached his hand out to me, asking how I get through it. He begged me to help him. "I can't get rid of these thoughts" he said. I remember telling him, "It's okay Gramps, just try to think about happy times." " Don't let it get the best of you...Fight it!".....I was in my early 20's, little did I know, how so difficult it is to do. Easier said than done. I feel bad, I wish I could have been there more for him.

Next, I realized that perhaps I wasn't "running" away. I was going somewhere safe... home. I was going to my earthly father's home. What better place to see and feel the resemblance of my Heavenly Fathers comfort and love.

I'm here now. As I type tears, blur my vision from the keyboard, for I am hurting. This has been a difficult post. I feel the need to type, to make it real...to read it later and find hope. My stomach is still in knots and I must admit I am terrified to try to sleep. I have hope and faith that Jesus is with me, right by my side fighting this battle. He will not forsake me.

Am I scared...yes. I am frightened, that I will take the easy road...the one where we lose faith and think we can do it on our own. I've been there, I know it doesn't work like that, but I am only human. I will cling to the cross, where Jesus saved me! He is with me now and always, I will win this battle! Will I stumble...perhaps, but He is so good...he will pick me up and carry me.