I am a sinner...

It started again just last week, I was struck by another bout with depression. I have not been depressed in almost a year, contributing this blessing to my renewed relationship with God. With the many trials of last year, according to my past history, I surely should have been depressed. What did occur was that I was able to breeze through them, confident that God would see us through, His faithfulness would prevail. So why now!?

I struggled to find an answer as to why now...where did I go wrong?

Backing up a bit, my deepest depression started just before I walked out on my relationship with God. So much in my life was in utter dismay, I believed He didn't care about me...if He did, I wouldn't be such a mess. For almost 8 years I walked alone in my hardships, trying to solve everything my way. My deepest struggle came when I renewed my faith and trust in Gods love, mercy and grace.

For several years, like many, I've been challenged by raising a rebellious teen. Just last week, things became unpleasant and I found myself reacting in the worst way. I became bitter and resentful, saying things, thinking things, as a mother I never, ever dreamed possible. As a result, I turned to scripture for guidance. I read the following:

Ephesians 4: 29 Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ forgave you.

1Peter 2:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessings, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
12 For they eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.

Suddenly, the reflection I saw in the mirror was unpleasant. I heard a voice saying...
I am a sinner!

I then became overwhelmed with the thought of disappointing my heavenly Father. I wanted to hide my face in shame from Him. I became consumed by grief and despair. Day after day, I was tormented by these thoughts. Because I felt contempt for my child, I could not help but wonder if God felt the same about me.

I am a sinner!

What made things worse, is that in my human nature, I could not, nor did I want to forgive my child. Thoughts flooded my mind...How can you call yourself a mother, for a mother would never feel this way, say these things...

Diligently, I searched scripture for an answer...for hope...for guidance...for forgiveness!

Last month I focus on the book of Proverbs. Over and over it became apparent to me that as Christians we should seek wisdom. Wisdom is obtained by faithfully reading God's word, and following His instruction. Through Proverbs, I understood how we can be the best God wants us to be. Also, last week during my Bible study, Beth Moore made the following statement: "God knew what He was allowing to happen to bring it to the destiny He planned."

What is my destiny? To that question, I've yet to find an answer. What I have done, is stopped searching for what I want my destiny to be and wait patiently for God to reveal His destiny for me.

While, I have yet to understand His destiny for me, he has shown me that it is not the circumstances that has made me depressed, it is the way Satan has twisted and manipulated my thoughts. Satan has the ability to take our sin (anger, bitterness, unforgiving nature) and use it to his advantage to keep us from God. He builds upon it, causing us to continue to sin (my unwillingness to forgive). Satan knows how much I want to love and please my heavenly Father. He knows that when I sin against one of God's children, I want to hide my face in shame. He fills me with grief and despair, continuing to hold me captive, convincing me that I am not worthy of God's love, grace, mercy and forgiveness because
I am a sinner!

God on the other hand, also reveals my sinful nature. Not to make me feel unworthy of His love, but to show me my weaknesses. By revealing my sins to me, Gods intent is to teach me the ways in which I should go. He wants me to cling to Him especially in my times of troubles, for it is there I will see His greatest promise...He will never leave nor forsake me.

What I found in my faithfulness to God's word is...Hope

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith not by sight.

For those of us who believe that of which Christ represents (grace and mercy), through faith not by sight, will be gradually transformed into His likeness. This gradual process is one that will likely continue till our death. It is through God's mercy we are supplied with the strength and courage to persevere when face to face with persecution, hardship, or the reflection of our sinful nature.

When I looked up the definition of the word mercy in Websters I found the following:

-Compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender.
-A blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion.
-Kind or compassionate treatment of those in distress.

Is this not the way we view our Heavenly Father?!

God has not turned away from me, He has revealed to me my sinful nature, along with His mercy and forgiveness. With compassion and favor He is asking me to allow Him to continue His role as The Potter, gradually molding me into His likeness. It is up to me, to let go of my control of the situation and trust my life in His hands. No matter what I do to try to be the "perfect Christian" will not save me!

There is not a single thing I can do by my will that will contribute to my salvation.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and it's not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

For I am a sinner saved by the love, mercy, grace and forgiveness of God!

This year I have been much more diligent in my walk with God, as a result Satan, threatened by my faithfulness, once again is desperate to take me captive. Not this time!!!

In my sinful nature I will always have something to overcome. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. For it is through my weakness, He is strong...He will be victorious!!

I have realized that God allows my hardship because He is pruning me, ridding the dead branches so that new growth in Him will be strong. God continues to show me, He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour...He will shine His light so that I am reminded of His promises, His constant presence. I have realized that my security rest only in Him, not others, myself, nor a circumstance I am trying to control. Regardless of my struggle, God will bless me. Like a child preparing to cross a busy street, I will continue to hold God's hand. At the moment I am about to cross the troublesome road, I can look up to God with assurance that He will get me across safely.

I thank God for His hope...mercy...forgiveness...love...grace...and Christ sacrifice, that which covers my sin.