New Beginnings

A little over one week ago I received "the letter" that changed my life as I once knew it. My current place of employment was purchased by another company. We were told layoffs were inevitable.

I was one of the elect.

Honestly, I wasn't surprised I was chosen. However, I was surprised by the waves of emotion that followed. I've known this was a possibility and I've tried to prepare myself financially and emotionally. What I've come to realize...

You're never fully prepared.

You're never strong enough.

When I tell people I was born and raised in Hawaii, I almost always get the same response..."Oh, you are so lucky! I love the ocean, love the sunsets." This is true, my visit to Maui last year reaffirmed the beauty in both. But, ah...what else was confirmed by that trip, my fear of the ocean.

This past week, I've often found my emotions like the waves of the sea I fear so much. I'm not the best swimmer and there were many times I was tossed by the waves, fear encompassing me. The worst thing you can do when caught in the middle of a wave is panic. You must resist the temptation to panic and fight against the wave. The more you panic, the more short of breath you become. You're responding out of fear and  if you give into that fear, you will drown.

Life is a lot like the waves isn't it. We think life is predictable. It's quite the opposite.

Life is unpredictable.

The only one who knows what is in store for our life is God himself. Yet, we still try to control our destiny.

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9

I cannot lie, this week has been tough. There have been a few times I have panicked in the waves instead of calmly letting them take me to shore.

What I am learning, is that I will make it not by my strength, but by the Lord's. I've ridden these waves before. As I look back, He has always been faithful. My life has not gone as I have planned, but I have been blessed because I cling to His promise for me.

Plans to prosper and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

When I find myself in a panic, I have faith in Him who awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea "Peace, be still!" Mark 4:39

Today I pick up my final paper work and turn in my badge.

Tomorrow, All things are made new.

I'm troubled

Yesterday a friend of mine posted the video below on Facebook. As I watched, tears streamed down my cheeks. I saw myself in this video.

I grew up in a Christian home, yet I didn't know the Lord. Many family members prayed diligently to Him and believed in Him with their heart and soul. Yet, for me, I saw the Lord as someone who had high expectations of me I knew I could never meet. I thought He was this big eye in the sky watching every move I made, frowning upon me, turning His back on me. I would pray for Him to give me the desires of my heart...nothing. I just couldn't fully trust this great and powerful being, so why bother. It wasn't until just recently, I came to know the Lord, my God, my Savior. You can read about it here.

As I watched this video, I was reminded how easy we fall pray to the enemy. Every aspect of this video was and at times, still is my life. It was here, Satan, knowing my lack of knowledge and trust in the Lord, held me captive. So much so, that at one point in my teen years I tried to take my life. I was so desperate for acceptance, that I was willing to do anything. I decided to take the wide road because it was easier. I fell under the pressures of peers, men, alcohol, drugs, all which lead to depression. I wanted what I wanted and pursued those desires eventually making them my idols. I am so thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us. I was once lost but, now I am found.

What troubles me...so many, young and old, don't know the Lord. Or, like me, they don't understand the desires of His heart. We are called as Christians, to share with those who don't know, or who have wondered away from the Lord, about His unconditional love, His grace, His sacrifice. By sharing our testimony about the Lord with others, one person may come to know Him...Amen!

I have two grown children and three teens. Sadly, because of my past belief, during their younger years, I never spoke of the Lord's love for me, for them. I'm troubled that they too may be held captive by the enemy. I'm sharing my love for the Lord with them now, I pray for them, but ultimately, they must believe and trust in Him.

I'm troubled as I think of the many who are smoothered by what they believe will make them happy. By those who fail to see the Lord standing on the side lines of their lives reaching out to them. Toubled that many will never run to His arms. Troubled for those who believe the Lord is the cause of their pain. Troubled for those who don't know the truth.
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simple hearted; when I was in great need, He SAVED me. Psalm 115:5-6

I have a request, would you take time to pray for those who don't yet know or trust the Lord. For the many that are trapped by the devil's grip.



But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Have a safe and blessed 4th.

A New Season

I've been thinking about Spring. It's all about new growth. Trees are full of beautiful blossoms of many different colors, my favorite...pink cherry blossoms. Flowers begin to break its way up from the earth below, reaching towards the warmth of the sun's rays. Tiny little leaves begin to emerge from shrubs and trees. All things made new again.

Yesterday was the start of a new season for both my daughter Emily and myself.

In seasons past, things were cold, dark, scary, stale.

As a young girl, Emily was so full of life. She soaked in everything, found joy in everything, loved to sing and dance. She had this long blond hair with curls on the end, her eye's as blue as the sky, she saw the beauty in everything. Her hair, now brown, her eye's still blue, but have darkened by the trials of her life. By the time she became a teen, I could no longer protect her from the stings of those who bullied her. As a result, in an attempt to protect her spirit, without faith, she turned toward the dark side.

She loves people, and always tries to be kind to others. So when girls were mean to her, at first, she just didn't understand. I tried to teach her to continue to be nice, but, girls are just mean! They would isolate her. When she came to join others for lunch, one would whisper something, and all would walk away, leaving her alone. They would befriend her, gossip about her, make up lies about her, gang up on her, shatter her spirit.

She tried hard to remain kind and loving, but eventually she broke. In an attempt to protect her spirit, she felt no choice but to become cold, she fell into darkness, hopelessness. Her life began to spiral downward, out of control, nothing I did would change her attitude or behavior. Nothing I said would change her...well except,"I don't like you!" She soon began to fear for her life (many threatened her). She lost all hope! She had no will to live or change. No seventeen year old should feel this way.

When Emily was little, I taught about kindness to others. Do unto others as you would want done to you. We went to church until she was six, then I walked away from God, taking my children with me.

Like Emily, I too fell into the darkness and hopelessness. God wasn't doing for me what I wanted Him to do, or quick enough. I felt He just wasn't answering my prayers. I felt He was punishing me. I felt He had abandoned me. I felt I could do things on my own. I could control my destiny and the destiny of my family.

For years, I made decisions I thought was best for all. Those decisions were what held us captive by darkness. Now, don't misunderstand here, I am not taking full responsibility for Emily's actions or choices. I'm simply saying...I feel I may have influenced them in some ways.

Hopeless, helpless, lost...I returned to God. Unfortunately, for over 10 years my children knew/know little about the God of Hope...the God of love....the God of forgiveness...the Grace of God.

Over the past year, I've tried to share my faith in God with my children, but they would have no part. This was so foreign to them, unimaginable.

Things became worse between Emily and I. Emily began getting into more and more trouble, losing more hope in life. She became stagnant, she had no will or desire to change. She felt unloved by me, betrayed by friends, uncertain of who she is, of the direction her life should be going...she was lost.

The Recovery program I've been attending, helped me see that I still was in control. I was trying to control her life. I knew what was best for her, all she needed to do was listen to me.

It was here, I also realized that she is God's child.

My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord." Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I realized, that He declares this same promise to my daughter as well. He doesn't just state His promise, He declares His promise. Declare means to affirm or confirm. Now that's one powerful promise!

What did I need to do...SURRENDER!

Once I surrendered all my control, and I prayed "your will, not mine", great things began to happen. I was able to clearly see what God wanted me to do. I wasn't real thrilled with His will, I wanted to take back that control, but I didn't.


His plans...It was time to give Emily a new beginning, new growth, a new season. My oldest daughter lives in another State, she(and her husband) agreed to let Emily move in with her. Once my husband and I confirmed this was what God wanted, we started making preparations for Emily. An amazing thing began to happen...Emily's expressions became brighter, she was full of hope.

Emily left yesterday. I can't say I'm not sad. Actually, I'm an emotional wreck. For a while, I felt like I failed as her mother. I was ashamed by my negative feelings toward her. I was upset, that I couldn't finish raising her. The thing is...I really struggled with how negatively I had treated her. How I had given up on her. How in my mind, because she wouldn't listen to me, I was justifying my behavior towards her. I was afraid she didn't realize the depth of my love for her. The depth of our Heavenly Fathers love for her. Oh, how I want her to feel His love, to cling to His promise. God opened my eyes to see that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. That His works are truly wonderful. Through God's Grace, I realize, my mistakes are forgiven, we are both His daughters and loved by Him more than we will ever be able to comprehend.

While she was getting ready, something happened that gave me a sense of peace. She was singing again. Most importantly, she was singing "My God is Mighty to Save"
(My children have been listening!)


At the last minute I presented her with a gift from my husband and I, a cross. I explained to her, that when ever she is frightened or uncertain to hold on to the Cross and remember Jesus loves you. To realize that at the Cross, all sins are forgiven, because He loves us so. To trust in His promise, to pray for His guidance, to listen to His voice, to follow His light!

Yesterday, began a new season for both Emily and I. All things are made new!

I miss and love her so much it hurts. One thing for certain...God's love for her is much greater than mine...He is Mighty to Save!




Will you all please uplift Emily in prayer as she begins her new season.

Broken; Trust The Potter

Today, I am forty-eight. Yep, "I am special today, it's my birthday!" Why do we think that we have that written on our foreheads for everyone to see? Birthday's are special days...true? We all expect our days to be fantastic. I mean trumpets blowing, treated as a King or Queen, feel the earth move, and to have our day ended with extravagant fireworks displayed!


Actually, I have felt the earth move...since about 1 am we have had about 22 earthquakes. Don't worry, many have been less than a 2, with four being greater than a 3 with the highest being a 3.8. Believe me, living about 1-2 miles from several fault lines and living in a two story home...we feel it, but that is another blog.

I want to thank my dear friends Meghan and Angie for becoming a blogger. Meghan, I have known for years, and well, she wants everyone to blog. She is a fantastic friend and an inspirational person in more ways the one. She introduced me to Angie,  via blog. Angie is awesome and also extremely inspirational. I encourage you to check out her blog.  http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

One of Angie's blog post, encouraged you to break something and put it back together, listening to what the Lord would reveal to you.  Wow, what an amazing experience, healing. Have you ever felt so broken from a heartache, loneliness, failure, abandonment, disappointment, rejection, death of a loved one, regrets, bad decisions...and so on. So broken you just can't face another day...I have and it aches beyond repair. Is your heart in a million pieces?

Does it hurt just to breath?

Break something!

Now, put it back together.

I broke my plate on Thursday. At first, I sort of tossed it at the wall. It only broke in three pieces. Not good enough, so I threw it with all my might against the wall...shattered!

I gathered all my pieces and tried to put two together with my glue gun, which by the way, didn't work. The pieces wouldn't stick together. Trip to the store, purchased two different types of glue...lets try this again.

Much better, I was able to get the pieces together, but had to hold them FOREVER or the pieces would fall apart. Because the process of holding took so long, my plate wasn't completed till this morning.

During the days of working on this plate, I spent time listening to Country and Christian music, and talking to God. I told God how frustrated I was with how long this was taking because I had to hold the pieces for so long.

"Patience" He says.

I reminded Him that I am not the most patient person(as if He didn't already know). I am the child who always asked "are we there yet?" As I continued to glue pieces day after day, time began to fly by. Was I becoming patient?

Just like Angie, I too came face to face with all my mistakes,the disappointments,the sins of my life. I was so angry at myself for walking out on God, believing all that happened to me was His will. I had gotten to the point in my life where I just couldn't take anymore. I blamed God. I thought I was so faithful, and He didn't help me(at least not the way I expected). I quit, just shut down, gave up...I became so numb to life in order to just cope with life. Angela Thomas, in her book, Do You Think I'm Beautiful says: "You are teaching yourself not to feel anything, and in doing so, you're missing everything."

While working on my plate, I told God how sorry I was for leaving. I begged Him to help me get back to Him, to forgive me for blaming Him for all the broken pieces in my life. I don't want to miss everything!

As I looked at my finished plate I saw many broken pieces. There were holes in my plate where I couldn't find the pieces to fit.
Could I have put some pieces in the wrong place?

How am I going to fix it?

Where will I find the pieces?

How will I ever fill those holes in my plate, in my life!

My plate really isn't complete...my life full of holes, waiting to be filled.

Here is what God said to me:

Marylea, do you not see what I see? It is beautiful and so are you! Don't worry I have forgiven you, I have never left you. Don't try to fill the holes, let me do it....trust me! Bring it to me. I hear you, I always hear you...you must try to hear me. You are special today and everyday!

Do it...break something...trust the potter to help you rebuild.

Paul's prayer for the Ephesians were as follows:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Ephesians 4:16-19

My Pastor today said something that reminded me how great Jesus love and sacrifice is.

"He ransomed his life so that I may be saved." Thank you Jesus!

You see, through my brokenness, God can do His best work! I've walked away from God for over 10 years, and upon my return, He ran to me with open arms. I am trying to grasp His love for me. Trying to understand Grace. For me, it's always been about what I can do to earn God's love. As a result, I've never felt I lived up. I believed, He was so disappointed that He abandoned me. In actuality, I abandoned Him.

I look forward to this journey back in the arms of Christ. I am nervous, fearful of the devils retaliation, and hopeful all at the same time. Thanks for joining me in this journey.

I should warn you...I am not the best writer...my husband says I have a tendency to write my thoughts, forgetting all about punctuation...forgive me.