Resolution 2009

This has been a long, painful year. This year, I renewed my relationship with God and have been blessed in many ways. So why such a difficult year, because I have not trusted God with ALL things. I've given him a few things, but not everything. I've tried to control so many aspects of my life and have failed miserably.



I've realized that God allowed my suffering to make me realized I simply can't do things all my own. He has a plan for me and I have failed to trust in Him with ALL my life, which leads me to my New Years Resolution:

To trust God with ALL things. I know I'll be challenged (I'm a bit of a control freak), but I'm determined to make this work. Through Him ALL things are possible, it's time to let him take the wheel.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

God's blessings for all of you next year.

Hallmark

I love Hallmark Ornaments! Okay, I'll be honest, I'm obsessed with Hallmark Ornaments. This year there are so many I'm in love with. Let me explain why I'm so hooked.

Let me first tell you about a post written by Angie several months ago entitled, Blink. It's a beautiful post, be sure to check it out. In her post she explained that moments she treasures she tends to see as photographs. It could be any moment you want to capture, just "Blink," a picture taken and forever held in your memory.

That's exactly what I do with my ornaments. Every year I carefully select one, two, three or...(you get the picture) that reminds me of things that has happened throughout the year or past. My ornaments are my photographs, forever held in my memory and my heart.

This year I could easily purchase 10-12 ornaments. Unfortunately, that is not in my budget this year. I did get a few that hold very special memories for me. All purchased at Hooked on Hallmark. What a great site, you can even get ornaments from years past.

Where the Wild Things Are

Purchased two of these, one for me and one for my Grandson, Logan. All of my children and grandchildren loved when I read this story to them. It is a great book and brings back cherished memories.

Very Hungry Caterpillar

This one I just couldn't pass up, another favorite story. I love reading this story to the grandchildren. This one is for my granddaughter, Abby. Trust me when I say she is one very hungry caterpillar.

Wish List

I can still see all five of my children riding their trike for the first time. Sweet memories!


Again, cherished memories of all of my children playing with this toy. It actually makes a "moo" sound when you open the barn doors.

I love The Wizard of Oz. I remember watching it with each of my children. Can still picture their faces the first time they watched the movie. Push on a button and the guy behind the door says,"Who rang that bell?"

The Polar Express, one of my favorite movies this time of year. This is an ornament from the past. Not available at this time, but I'll keep checking.

Every year I try to purchase an ornament for my children, a reminder of that year. When they marry they will get all their ornaments. My oldest already has hers. I'm now doing the same for my grandchildren. What traditions do you have for this time of year?

Give Thanks

In preparation for Thanksgiving tomorrow I thought it was important to remember and thank our Heavenly Father for all the blessings I have received.

I am thankful for two of the most loving, compassionate, giving parents. They have loved me through my joys, pains, rebellion, and have supported me in all that I do.

I am thankful for the most amazing siblings, their spouses and my niece and nephews. They bring peace, comfort and joy to my life.

I am thankful for the man God has placed into my life, my husband.

He has blessed me with five beautiful, healthy children. All make me a better person.

He has blessed me with three beautiful, healthy grandchildren.

I am thankful for the job He has provide for both myself and my husband. He has made sure we have never been without.

I am thankful for the beautiful home God has provided for my family.

I am thankful for the many friends I have made through work, in my neighborhood, and blogging. They are the most amazing people... so loving, accepting and supportive.

I am thankful for my church family.

I am thankful for the sunrises, sunsets, and all the beauty in nature.

I am thankful He hears and answers my prayers.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for the food God provides to nourish my body.

I am thankful for His word which nourishes my heart, mind, and soul.

I am thankful that I am free to worship Him.

May you all be as richly blessed tomorrow as we celebrate Thanksgiving.

I'd love to hear what you are all thankful for.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

Psalms 106:1

A Precious Life

~~~Update~~~
To read more about this special day go to Meghan and Carrie's blog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is the anniversary of Ricky's death. His foster mom, Meghan is here with her family. Truthfully, she was the only mother he ever knew. Yesterday at the hospital we had a dedication ceremony of the memorial bench placed outside the hospital a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I brought my camera, but forgot the batteries. I'll post some pictures later when I get some from Meghan.

It was a beautiful ceremony. Many nurses, respiratory therapist, Meghan's family and close friends were in attendance. Prayers and memories spoken were touching. Many, many tears were shed. As a final tribute we all set of balloons in his honor. Watching them float away, I wondered...could they reach heaven?

This precious little boy touched the hearts of all of us in the NICU, as well of hundreds of people through his website. For all in the NICU Ricky wasn't just your ordinary patient. He spent seven months in our unit, and we grew to love him as one of our own. If you weren't is primary nurse for the day or night, you always stopped by his crib to see his beautiful brown eyes and his toothless grin. We all sang to him, read him stories, and some even watched cartoons with him in the morning. Both day and night someone often rock him to sleep.

The doctors were soon running out of reasons for him to stay, which meant...foster care. Meghan, bless her heart, quickly got approved for her foster care license, and Ricky had a new home. She kept us all informed of his progress via his website and frequent phone calls. He was often admitted back in the hospital with complications. When he was in pediatrics at our hospital we all would visit.

His numerous medical complications began to take its toll on the little guy, ultimately causing his death. What a brave little solider he was. So much suffering for such a little baby.

Anticipating the dedication ceremony, I was consumed with my thoughts. God gives life and he brings it back to Him. What troubled me is understanding "why" He takes the life of an infant, or child loved by so many. I don't understand "why," Ricky, this precious little baby, had to endure so much suffering. Perhaps God couldn't stand to see Ricky suffer, or any other suffer, so He brings them home. After all, isn't our eternal life with God what we yearn for? Freedom from all our pain and suffering here on earth...a life of nothing but pure glory with our Heavenly Father.

Being a NICU nurse I still struggle with understanding the death of a baby. The pain and agony the family goes through just breaks my heart. The one thing that brings me peace is knowing and believing that they are now able to live an eternity with God.

I've realized how precious our life here on earth is, no matter how short. God breathed life into all of us for His purpose. Ricky's purpose in life, touched each and everyone of us differently. Ultimately, we are all truly blessed to have known him. I wonder if he knows how much he touched our lives.

Waking up from a nap.

Seriously people, another test?!

Cutie!

Happy Birthday!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalms 23:4-6

Say What You Need To Say!

After viewing a video today and reading the following scripture:
The tongue that brings healing is the tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4

I realized what we say to others is so important. So without further delay, I've something to say.

To my husband

I respect and admire all that you are and do for us.

You're my knight in shinning armor.

I trust you.

I believe in you.

I need you.

You inspire me.

You make my dreams come true.

I love you.

You're my hero.

You are my Prince Charming.

To my sons

You can do anything.

You're so brave.

You make me smile.

You brighten my day.

You're amazing.

I believe in you.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my daughters

You're beautiful.

You're precious.

You're amazing.

You've forever touched my heart.

You brighten my day.

I believe in you.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my parents

Thank you for your unconditional love.

Thank you for your inspiration.

Thank you for your encouragement.

Thank you for your guidance.

You're amazing.

Thank you for loving me in spite of my weakness.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my siblings

Thank you for your love and support.

You've listened with an non judgemental heart.

You're amazing.

You mean the world to me.

You've changed my world.

I love you.

To my friends

Thank your for your shoulders to cry on.

Your hugs mean so much.

Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for your laughter.

Thank you for your support.

You give me hope.

You've changed my world.

You're amazing.

I love you.

To those I have never met

Jesus loves you.

To all of you

Thank you!

Click here to view the video.

Go on...

Say what you need to say to those you love!

Sweet Ricky- A Brave Little Man

Ricky's bench finally found its home in front of the Hospital. I hadn't actually seen the bench, as it was put in place last week while I was off. Last night was my first night back to work. I must admit, I was a little choked up driving to work anticipating how I would feel upon my first glance of the bench. It's beautiful, what a tribute to our little guy. Yep, I cried. Tears of joy and tears of saddness.

This little guy meant so much to many of us in the NICU. His eyes and smile just warmed your heart. His suffering on earth, broke your heart. I am saddened by his loss, for I miss him so. I am joyful, there is no more pain for this precious little boy. I can imagine his eyes wide with amazement as he witnesses the glory of Heaven. No more peaking through the bars of a hospital bed.

My dear friend Meghan was his foster mom. She gave this little guy so much love and shared so much of the beauty in this world with him during his short time here. As a mother, she also shared his pain, as well as the pain a mother feels when she loses a child. She created a beautiful website which records her journey with him. His life impacted many people, his legacy continues.

We love you little guy!

Fall

Danielle has created another amazing blog for me. I love it!!! Thanks Danielle !! If any of you are interested in a blog makeover, she is running another special. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, up till October 7th, part of her proceeds will be donated to The Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Fall is my favorite season. To me it signifies the beginning preparation of a new. I am fascinated by what God does during this season, it's breathtaking.

What I love about fall:

The warmth of color

Red

Orange

Yellow

Brown

Crisp morning air

Smell of rain

Evening by the fire

Smell of homemade soup

Smell of homemade bread

Apple cider

Clouds

Sunrises

Sunsets

Scarfs

Seeing my breath

Knowing all will made new again

Rest in the beauty of it all!

"A Holiday"

I have been so frustrated and discouraged lately, I decided it was time for "A Holiday."
I got on the earliest flight and came to spend some time with my oldest daughter, her husband, and my grandchildren.

As I sat on the plane, I couldn't help but remember the first time I flew to see them. Just thinking about it brought a smile to my face and a little chuckle only I could hear. I'd like to share the story of my first plane trip here.

Anxious and excited I boarded the plane. I was one of the last ten or so people to board, which put me towards the back of the plane. I sat on the isle seat. My neighbor, a gentleman in the window seat. After carefully putting my things under the seat, I was just about to listen to my iPod when the flight attendant began her spiel.

Wahwah wahwah...wait, did she say Boise. In a panic, I turned to the gentleman next to me saying, "I'm on the wrong plane!" I quickly scooped up my things and headed for the door, which they hadn't closed yet. (Thank goodness) I actually got off the plane, was at the entrance to the runway, when the woman who took our boarding passes asked me what was wrong. Still in a panic I replied, "I got on the wrong plane, could you tell me where the plane is... departing from...?" I handed her my ticket. Ma'am, you're on the right plane, with one stop in Boise. WHAT!?

I run down the runway, the door was still open, whew! Humbly, I explained to the flight attendant, "apparently, this is the right flight after all." I could feel the redness in my face. Trying to avoid eye contact, I quickly found a seat. Again without eye contact, placed my things under the seat, put my earplugs in and took a deep breath. With a sly glance to the right I noticed I was sitting next to the same gentleman. Feeling the need to justify my actions, I preceded to explain, that I don't hear very well and went into a panic mode. (I left panic mode out) I am now so embarrassed, I just want to duck in my seat, blend with my surroundings.

The flight was nice, about an hour. Once we landed, again the flight attendant started talking. For those of you without a hearing deficit, over a microphone this is what everything sounds like to the hearing impaired....Wahwah Wawah. You know, like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Having no clue as to what she just said, I turn to the gentleman and politely ask, "what did she just say?" With a very serious look on his face he said "STAY ON THE PLANE!" I'm so embarrassed.

Once the plane was nearly empty I noticed people moving from the back of the plane to the front. Good idea, I gathered my things and preceded to the front of the plane where I was met by a flight attendant. Hands out in front of her in the stop position, she said, "Ma'am, STAY ON THE PLANE!" Another embarrassing moment! I arrived at my destination on time, leaving quite an impression and I'm sure a topic of conversation for all involved.

Yes, I remembered this trip to stay on the plane. It has been a great trip so far. I got to play with my grandchildren my first night here. They really have grown. I have a little difficulty understanding the little ones. Sounds a lot like the flight attendant... Wahwah wahwah! Logan my grandson, even made a comment when my daughter was trying to tell me something I failed to respond to. "She can't hear you", he said... I had to laugh.


I am having a nice time. The first night I spent playing with the kids. The following day, my daughter and I spent some one on one time at her mother-in-laws home in the mountains. We watched a movie, ate and ate. We really had a great time. I miss spending time with her.

Happy moments.

Out boating.

Yummy!

First night, cooking with their play kitchen set.


Mother & Daughter night...beautiful sunset.

A Skinned Knee, Brick Wall & A Sunrise

I know many of my readers are parents, and are familiar with the crushed spirit of your child when the come to you, skinned knee and sobbing. Sometimes it isn't a skinned knee...sometimes it is a crushed spirit or broken heart.

When you see the pain and suffering in your child, your heart aches. You quickly pull out your emergency kit and prepare to clean and cover their wound. It doesn't matter if they are infants, toddlers or adults, we still feel the urgency to make the hurt go away. That's our job.

Sometimes the wound is larger than expected and the damage horrifying. What do we do? We scoop them up in our arms and try to comfort and assure them, it will be okay. While a skinned knee is easy to band aid, damage to their heart, mind, and spirit can be difficult to touch, to comfort. What happens when the damage is so great that even you can't imagine how this hurt will go away? How will they heal? How to deal with the pain and agony in your own heart over what has happened? Questions, right now I am struggling to find an answer.

Yes, one of my children has a "boo boo" and I can't fix it. I heard that blood curdling scream of pain and bolted to the rescue. Seeing/hearing the fear and pain in their face/voice, and the moment I saw the damaged, I questioned God. Where were you? How could he let this happen? My faith has again run into a brick wall. I have come to a screeching halt. I will not go into any details with anyone, so please respect my privacy. We're hanging by a thread here, faith is on the line.

I know of only a few things that I can do...

First, to ask all of you for your prayers. Pray for strength to get through this. Hope for a future. Understanding where God fits in all this, and to trust He is with me and my family during this time.

Second, Keep wearing my armor and maybe borrow one of yours for added protection.
Keep praying, for the moment I stop... Satan will have won. I have come to far to let that happen. I know that God is hurting right along with me, He is here by my side. As deep as the wound appears right now, without God, it would be much worse. In my prayers and search for answers I have come across the following.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
2Corinthians 1:3-5

The current series in my church is on The Lies We Believe. I went back and listened to the sermon entitled, I Am Exempt From Pain. I realized sometimes as Christan's we tell ourselves that Christ is watching over us therefore we shouldn't be inflicted with pain and suffering. In this fallen world there is pain and suffering, it is unavoidable. But we can find comfort through Christ in prayer, scripture and His promise.

Pastor Dan read the following scripture:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surprisingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. 2Corinthians 13:7-9

For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthians 12:10

It took a few times for me to hear and read before I understood exactly how to apply this to my circumstance. The thorn represents Satan's attack on my soul. He absolutely does not want me to turn or trust in God. Through my pain (weakness) God wants one thing from me, my total dependence upon Him. To trust this was not His plan. To know He was there, it could have been much worse, and He continues to be with me and my family. To cling to His promise to NEVER leave me, and to hold fast to my faith in Him to make me strong.

As a friend put it...Let Christ carry you. He will become the rock on which I can firmly stand. In my darkness, He will bring yet another beautiful sunrise.


Finally, Kisses, hugs and I love you always!

Mommy
****************************************************************************
I just finished listening to another one of my favorite songs, Healer by Hillsong United.
I am filled with comfort and peace.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

A Battle

Last night was a horrible night, I hardly slept.

Just when I started to feel like I was able to breathe again, Satan made is attack. I was consumed by an influx of thoughts. You call yourself a Christian, you're not even close. You're a terrible mother, you aren't there for your children...so busy at work and negotiations, nagging all the time. You're a terrible wife, again, nagging all the time...you're just never satisfied. He works hard too, you know. You don't clean your house like you should. When was the last time you prepared a decent meal for your family? You call yourself a daughter/sister, when was the last time you really spent time with your parents/siblings...true quality time. Listening to them, their needs, instead of focusing on your own. A friend you say, yeah right.

I woke this morning feeling so anxious and depressed I couldn't stand it. My heart pounding, my stomach in knots...I just wanted to vomit. I felt like my entire life was nothing but failure. It took all my energy just to open my eyes and put my feet on the floor. I felt like I literally had to say to myself...."put one foot in front of the other" over and over and over. I tried, really tried. By nine, I felt so badly beaten I just wanted to go back to bed. I just wanted to rest.

I crawled back in bed and visioned myself lying against my Saviors chest with his arms around me and I prayed. Lord, I am so weary, shield me, let me find rest in your arms. I just need to sleep. Protect me from Satan. We have been at battle and I can't protect myself.

The second attack started. This time from a different angle. You deserve better. No one appreciates what you do. They all take advantage of you. Your husband doesn't love you like he should, you could do better. No one really cares about your feelings. It's all lies just to get you to feel sorry for them. Your so tired because you do everything for them. No one does anything for you. It is time to move on...get out.

Ughhhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Shut Up!...Still no sleep.

Dear Lord, help me! Can you hear me! Shield me, I feel all alone here.

The third attack. You know this is all God's fault. He can't save you. It is up to you, you must trust yourself. You know what you need to do. If God really cared about you, He would not let you suffer like this. You've been praying...has He answered your prayers...didn't think so. There is no such thing as God. He simply doesn't exist.

Shut up!

Jesus, I'm here...are you there? Dear God, please help me.

I tried to get up. I showered and went out with the family....still feeling miserably. It felt like all the blood had been drained from me. Just to speak took all my energy. Once home again, I went straight to bed. More prayers. Jesus...are you there? I am so alone, help me to fight off these thoughts. I have to get out of here. He (Satan) is everywhere.

I felt like I lost the battle. My spirit so badly bruised, I had nothing left to give. I felt like I had no hope, like I was abandoned. Then, my daughter sent me this.

This was a thunder storm in their area last night. I have always been fascinated by thunder storms. I think they're beautiful. While looking at the photos, I couldn't help but ask myself, why God would create such a thing.

Then He whispered.... I was at battle....for you.

Really? Then why do I feel still feel so alone?

Seek and ye shall find me.

Am I missing something here? Is there a door I have not opened?

Yes.

Then show me. Open the door!

In time, when you're ready...you will see.

I'm ready now! Please help me. Show me what I am missing.

Patience...Keep praying, I hear all your prayers.

If you have been reading my blog, you all know...I am not the most patient person.

Still feeling like I need to take matters in my own hands, I left for my parents house for a few days. While driving, I listened to my Christian music and prayed and prayed. During that hour and a half drive, several things and memories came to mind.

The first memory is that of my grandfather. He too suffered terribly from depression and anxiety. I remember one specific time, he looked so beaten. His face showed the exhaustion of one in battle of the mind. Knowing I had the same difficulties, he reached his hand out to me, asking how I get through it. He begged me to help him. "I can't get rid of these thoughts" he said. I remember telling him, "It's okay Gramps, just try to think about happy times." " Don't let it get the best of you...Fight it!".....I was in my early 20's, little did I know, how so difficult it is to do. Easier said than done. I feel bad, I wish I could have been there more for him.

Next, I realized that perhaps I wasn't "running" away. I was going somewhere safe... home. I was going to my earthly father's home. What better place to see and feel the resemblance of my Heavenly Fathers comfort and love.

I'm here now. As I type tears, blur my vision from the keyboard, for I am hurting. This has been a difficult post. I feel the need to type, to make it real...to read it later and find hope. My stomach is still in knots and I must admit I am terrified to try to sleep. I have hope and faith that Jesus is with me, right by my side fighting this battle. He will not forsake me.

Am I scared...yes. I am frightened, that I will take the easy road...the one where we lose faith and think we can do it on our own. I've been there, I know it doesn't work like that, but I am only human. I will cling to the cross, where Jesus saved me! He is with me now and always, I will win this battle! Will I stumble...perhaps, but He is so good...he will pick me up and carry me.

Broken Bridges

"I have choices, every second of the day, to serve my Lord. To honor Him with my speech and with my thoughts, with the way I love those around me and the way I worship Him. Every moment, there is another opportunity, and I want to use as many of them as He will allow. In fact, Scripture tells me that one day I will stand before Him, and I will (symbolically) hand the King of all Kings a tattered scrapbook of my days. It is up to me to decide what the pages will reveal.
There are many, many pages I want to rip up and hide...maybe you do too. But that shouldn't consume me. Rather, I want to focus on the beauty of this gift that the Lord has given."
-Angie Smith

I have started this post along time ago. I simply couldn't figure out how to finish it, until now, after reading Angie's latest blog post. God gave me the remaining words.

I had a terrible day yesterday. It was full of anxiety. I found myself crying for no reason. I just felt like I had nothing left to give anyone. In an attempt to rid myself of this overwhelming anxiety, I cleaned and cleaned.

Later that evening, I went out with a very dear friend, Lindsey. As we sat having a glass of wine, I told her about how I was feeling. She preceded to tell me I do have more to give, I just need to pray about it and God will help. I need not rely on others to make me feel loved, it's God's love I need, then all else will fall into place. I just love her.

Once home, Ben and I watch a movie together. I had watched it a few days ago, but need the insight from a "guy's" perspective. We had a great time. He amazed me with his analogy of the movie...gosh, he's smart. What started out to appear to be a horrible day, ended great.

It seems that human nature causes us to make decisions we sometimes regret. We say things, we later wish we hadn't...do things, we wish we never did...leave, when we should have stayed...hurt, when we should have loved...the result...broken bridges with those we love.

You can see them standing on the other side, yet struggle to reach them. Either you're not ready to reach or you're waiting for them to make the first move. How do you repair the bridge? Can you? Will they ever forgive you, can you forgive?

As I look at my life, there has been many broken bridges. Some repaired, some still in need of repair. Why do I make these choices? I believe it's because I've been attacked by Satan. Why do I believe him? I really don't know...am I weak, caught up in want, pride, selfishness, envy, jealousy, and so on. Has he actually manipulated my mind to believe I deserve all these things.

In order to repair a broken bridge, both sides need not be willing. Words from one of my favorite song's come to mind. Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior. Shine your light and let the whole world see, we're singing for the glory of a risen King, Jesus.

It may be difficult at times to reach, we can't let pride or fear of rejection get in the way. In reflecting Christ character, we can give compassion and forgiveness to those on the other side.
It's that simple. They don't have to be at that same point. We can't control others, only ourselves.

Angie's blog describes moments of our lives as photographs forever engraved in our minds, a scrapbook of our days. Do you have a bridge in need of repair?...Start today, create new photos for your scrapbook.

Perfectionism- A Stronghold

I have received many messages and prayers from those I love deeply and others whom I have never met. I want to thank each and everyone of you for your prayers. As a result, I have truly felt God's presence in my life and heart.

I have been spending a lot of time in scripture and a few awesome books. One book in particular by Charles Stanley, Source of My Strength, has helped me believe that I can do all things through Jesus Christ.

As I reflect on my life, the times that I felt safe, is when Jesus was the center of my life. Unfortunately, because of influences in this world and my own destructive thinking, I pulled away from Him and tried to control my life. What I have realized, is from the moment God created me, He had plans for me. Living in this fallen world, I will never be without struggles and temptation, and only through Him will I survive. I can get angry, frustrated, yell, or blame God for what happens in my life..it's okay...He can handle it, for He knows that in the end it will draw me closer to Him...all I need to do, is trust. And when I stumble or sin, God has made provisions for that...I have an advocate, Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8. His sacrifice on the cross is all the provisions I need to rid me of my guilt and sin. It is through Jesus, I become adequate in the eyes of the Lord...that's all that matters.

My most debilitating stronghold, is that of perfectionism. For all my life I have constantly pushed myself and others to be perfect, in attempt to control my life, to control others. I needed to succeed at all cost, which ultimately lead to my exhaustion and inability to cope with life. I had come to define myself by how perfect my life was, getting A's through college, how clean my house was, how much money I saved, how well behaved my children were, taking on more than I could handle, and never admitting I couldn't handle it. It was important that I was recognized by others by my works. Their praise and approval made me feel worthy...valuable.

Not only did my perfectionism ultimately destroy me, it destroyed those I love dearly. I never expected anything from anyone that I didn't expect from myself. I am ashamed at how much pressure I have put on my children, my husband and my family, to live up to my expectations. Nothing was ever good enough. Ultimately, I crushed their spirits and caused them to feel like failures. That just breaks my heart. I have realized, that what I say to my children and spouse has a huge impact on the way they see themselves. God made me see how important it is to build up my family. To see through His eyes, that we are of His perfection.

I've been so exhausted over the last few weeks. At first, I couldn't sleep, my mind was still focused on how I could be perfect. How I can change and control things in my life. I continued to play the tape over and over in my mind, of how important is was to be perfect at everything. As I read His word, and prayed, God gave me rest. I slept, prayed and read scripture. I turned my eyes and my heart fully to Jesus. I realized, I can't change anything...only He can. I realized, by trying to be perfect, I was telling God that I wasn't happy with how He made me. Jesus says to Paul: "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2Corinthians 12:9.

My weakness showed me how Christ can strengthen me. My weakness provided the opportunity to restore my faith and love in Christ. I cannot do anything on my own. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13. I no longer have to struggle to be perfect, God doesn't expect me to be perfect...He just wants me to have a relationship with Him and trust He will do the rest. Isn't that awesome!

To rest in the comfort of the loving arms of my heavenly Father, brings me peace. I want to bring everything to Him. He loves me and wants the best for me. However; I must realize, it is on His time not mine...another stronghold.

As I pray daily, asking God to show me what is His will for my life, I am comforted. I know, at times I may stumble and fall, but He is there to pick me up every single time. He gives me grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He meets me where ever I am. God's love for me is more than I can imagine. His love for you is greater than you will ever understand. A love so great, He sent His son to sacrifice His life so that we may be saved, have eternal life. I am resting in the arms of Jesus.

I pray for myself and those who struggle with perfectionism. Lord, we cannot control our lives, only you can. Heal us from the inside out. Teach us to live our lives through your eyes, mold and guide us to be what you created us to be. I give you my life.

Ricky's Memorial Bench

After almost two years, Ricky's memorial bench is finally finished. I would like to thank those of you who donated to his memorial fund.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this little face... Ricky, was an infant born at Saint Mary's, the hospital where I work. He was admitted to our NICU department, where he spent the first seven months of his life. As a result of drug exposure in utero, he suffered severe intestinal problems. Unable to eat any thing by mouth, fed through a tube in his stomach and was on IV fluids all of his life, he resembles the image of a malnourished child. He was loved dearly by everyone in our NICU department, and across the world through his website.

One nurse in particular, and a close friend, Meghan, took on the role of being his foster mother. He was with Meghan for the remaining five months of his life. His death was felt by many, his life touched us even more.

"A Little Life, A Lasting Legacy" is an article written by Meghan and her mom, Sondra Brunsting. It is published in The Journal of Christian Nursing. What an honor.

This bench will be placed on campus at Saint Mary's. "I'm Alive, I'm Alive" is a lullaby played daily for him. The scripture reading is from 1Peter 5:10. To view the pictures closer, just click on each photo.

His legacy continues to touch the lives of many everyday through his website. You can read about Ricky on his website, link located under my favorites. Again, many thanks to those who contributed to his memorial.

I am broken...Part 2

I spent quite a bit of time this morning reading the bible and have made some incredible discovery's.

First, I want to spend some time discussing depression, and how difficult it can be to overcome. There are some of you out there who have occasionally suffered from depression, and may have been feeling a little down for a day or two. Anyone who suffers from chronic depression always describes it the same way..."the darkness," an intense depth of despair. It is here where we judge and punish ourselves. There isn't any horrific life circumstance that takes us there...we just end up there, and have no idea why.

We become held captive to what we consider our "fallen life" and ultimately, we are the darkness. Occasionally, we will reach out to others, but many times not. For those who have never experienced it, you don't know what to say. You tell us it will be okay, you're here for us, it will pass, your life is what you make of it, and finally... just snap out of it. My friends, I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, we judge and punish ourselves more, simply because we failed to get out... for you, for us.

When I picked up my bible this morning, I began to search out scripture on darkness. What I found is that where there is darkness...there is light. In almost every reference, the darkness is Satan... the light is God, the word of God, or Jesus our Savior. And then, I read: I have become like broken pottery. Psalms 31:12.

Hmmm! Who put me in this depression?... Satan. His pursuit began the moment I started to repair my broken pottery, spending time with the Lord, trying to cling to Him. I became of great concern to Satan. You see, for a long time I had walked along the edge of that pit of despair. As soon as I began moving farther from that edge and closer to God, a once concern for Satan, was now a threat. The only thing left for him to do was throw me into that pit. Satan's attack was hard and strong. Day and night he kept at it until, I stumbled and fell. I just couldn't take it anymore. So exhausted from the struggle, I just gave in.

The entire time I was trying to get closer to the Lord, Satan was carefully planning his attack. He knew the secrets of my past, he knew of my deep wounds and resentments, he knew of my guilt and shame, and now, he was going to use them against me. I had chosen to be distant from God for such a long time...making Satan victorious. And now, he was not going to be defeated. He had a hold of me many times before and was determined to capture me again. The closer my relationship with God, the harder he fought, until... "the darkness."
But where there is darkness...there is light!

A Prayer: To you, O Lord, I called:
to the Lord I cried for mercy"
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me:
O Lord, be my help."
Psalms 30:8-10

The Rescue: He reached down from on high and
took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
2Samuel 22:17-20

His Love: Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Psalms 31:16

The Light: "I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will never walk in
darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
Psalms 119:105

In both the old and new testament, we read about this battle between the darkness and light. This darkness goes back to the beginning of creation, and will continue. Did scripture not speak to me today...Wow! Slowly, I am coming up to breathe. I will be on my toes, constantly looking over my shoulder...for I know he is near. He will attack again. What do I do now...I cling to Christ and his word.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

My battle is not over. I have but one request. Pray that the Lord be my light. Pray that I cleave to the Father and not let Satan bind me to this pit of despair. Help me keep my eyes upon Jesus.

The Awakening...

An email from a dear friend.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out 'ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.' And, like a child, quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

...This is your awakening.
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of 'happily ever after' must begin with you. Then, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. So you begin making your way through the 'reality of today' rather than holding out for the 'promise of tomorrow.' You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about: -- how you should look and how much you should weigh -- what you should wear and where you should shop -- where you should live or what type of car your should drive -- who you should sleep with and how you should behave -- who you should marry and why you should stay -- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a 'perfect 10'.... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval. And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a 'consumer' hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by.

Then you discover that 'it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of 'creating' & 'contributing' rather than 'obtaining' & 'accumulating.' And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams. And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you.

So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment. You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given.

You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that 'alone' does not mean 'lonely' and you begin to discover the joy of spending time 'with yourself' and 'on yourself.' Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely an act of Satan. And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is Gods inexhaustible love.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my 'God' to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this - You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.

I am broken...Part 1

This past week hasn't been a good week. For almost all my life I have suffered with depression.
Is it a biological, chemical imbalance, life's circumstances, or both? I don't really know. What I do know, is I suffer from it...and it is just the most agonizing, sorrowful experience. I am so broken, in a million pieces, how do I put them back together?

Sometimes it last a few days, and sometimes it last for years. I become so consumed with the emotions of my world, I can't take it. I find myself falling into this hole...it is dark...it is cold...it is lonely. I try, really try, to climb my way out. I can barely see the light at the top, for the more I dig, the deeper I get. Finally, I just can't fight anymore. Just like the spirit of Jacob Marley, I am bound by the chains of my fallen life. I am exhausted from the struggle, becoming totally non functional.

I have been on medication, gone to counseling, tried to kill myself. It does get better, but it doesn't ever really go away. Like any other illness, you learn to deal with it. When I say deal with it, you just try to hang on, while on that roller coaster ride...your life, to the best of your abilities. It will disappear for a while, and I will be functional again...or am I?

When I arrive at this point...just curled up at the bottom of this pit...no visible light...I need to just be.
This may be difficult for many to understand...it takes all my energy just to breath, to eat, to sleep, to take care of myself, to take care of my family, to think, to pray.
Reality, I simply can't do any of those things.
Honestly, I don't want to.
Unfortunately, I am trapped within my mind. Going over and over again, the most painful times in my life.

You see, I think I feel safe in this hole, no one can reach me, no one can hurt me. I don't have to respond, react to this world. I just think...and think...and think. Unfortunately, there comes a time when I just have to pull myself up to survive. I don't think I really survive for me...it is for them. The guilt I feel for abandoning them to the dark side, eventually tugs at my heart and soul...Then I feel worse, like a failure...selfish. I don't want to hurt those I love. Our life is suppose to be about doing and giving to others...am I right?

Here in this hole is where my faith in God becomes weak...this is usually when I tend to leave him.

Can't you hear me! ?

I am crying here, just dying!

Can't you see me! ?

I can't take it any longer! Where are you?! ...and so I wait.

Why do I always go down the path of despair....Where is this path of righteousness?
When I am in this pit, it becomes so difficult for me to believe... to trust. I feel abandoned. Every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month that passes in this darkness, makes it harder and harder for me to trust.

I realize, so many others are facing difficult times in their lives. Some I hear about, others I read of on other blogs, makes mine seem so small, like a period at the end of a sentence. The cross they have to carry...oh, how heavy...how do they continue on. What makes them so strong...have faith...trust. Depression, that is my cross...it too is heavy.

I know you want to call, to talk, to help me. Please understand, I just can't right now...I need to just be. My phone is turned off, my messages just sit in the inbox. It is comforting to know that in this fallen world...there are those who still love. What I need more than anything, is prayer. Show him to me, for I can't see through the darkness. I know this will pass, it usually does. Usually, when I am out, I see where God has been with me, besides me in that hole. I just hate this process.

A favorite song, from MercyMe, entitled, Coming Up To Breath...is what my life has been.

Sometimes I listen to it over and over...

"Coming Up To Breathe"

I'm in way too deep
I've forgotten how to swim
I can't tell which way is up or down
Save me before I drown down here
I just need some air

I'm coming up to breathe
Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I just need to break these chains
I just need to leave this place
Before now this was all I knew
But with just one glimpse of You I see
You're the air I need

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

I've done everything I can
To get myself up on dry land
Lord, here I am again
Reaching for Your hand

Oh, I'm coming up to breathe
I've held my breath for all my life
But I am breaking free tonight
And I'm coming up to breathe

Soon, I'll be coming up to breathe

Broken Bones

My husband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary on May 26th. Since we had gone out to dinner the night before with friends to celebrate, we decided to do lunch on that day.

As we were driving around discussing what to do next, I felt the need just to return home. Actually, I needed a power nap. (Hey, it happens when we get older!) I suggested we go home, I would take a 30 minute nap, then we could do something with the kids.

When we arrived home, my thirteen year old wasn't home. When I asked his whereabouts, I was told he was outside skateboarding. Ummm! Didn't see him out front. I went upstairs for my nap. As I looked out the bedroom window, down a steep, long hill...I noticed a firetruck. For some reason, I said to myself, "I really hope that isn't for Alex." Yep, you guessed it...it was.

Before I could even get the covers on, my fifteen year old Emily, started to tell me Alex is down the hill, broken leg...she said more, but that is all I heard before I sprinted down the hill. As I got to the bottom of the hill, I saw my son strapped to a backboard, being lifted into the ambulance.

"Alex honey, it's mom." He began sobbing...mom!

I rode with him to the hospital. He is in shock...pale, shaking, groaning in pain, crying. As I held my sons hand and head, calmly talking to him in attempts to comfort him...I couldn't help but think...thank you Lord for bringing us home!

I have five children, my oldest is twenty-five. None have broken a bone till now. I have broken my wrist. When I hear my mom tell that story...it has everything to do with patience and my lack thereof. Now, my brother Scott on the other hand...many, many broken bones. I can remember as a child the anxiety felt as we sprinted home to tell my mom that Scott had crashed again off a bike or skateboard.

Here is what happened with Alex. As he was riding his scooter (not motorized) down the hill, he hit a shot gun shell. He began losing control, in attempts to stop he put his leg down... You know the rest.

While at the hospital, once he was medicated and leg set, he began telling me his perspective through tears. "Mom, I was so scared and felt so alone. My friend called 911, then out of no where this couple showed up...I really need to find them and thank them. The fire department arrived, then dad. Once I saw dad (he arrived first via car) I told the paramedics..."that's my dad" and started crying. I heard your voice and couldn't help but cry more...I was so glad you guys were there. I never want to be alone. I promise I will listen to you guys more. I love you!"

For those of you who are parents...you can understand how I felt. I was trying to be so brave, not shed a tear (that freaks them out, makes them think everything is much worse). My heart ached so bad. I just wanted to take away all the pain, fear and anxiety from my son. It doesn't matter if it is a broken bone, skinned knee, emotional anguish from a friends hurtful words, break up from a boy/girl friend, crushed spirit and on and on. I have two grown children, and my heart still aches for their pain. It never ends, no matter how young or old your children are...we still want to protect them and ease their pain.

As I write this, I can't help but imagine the intense pain God must have experienced as he watched his son be ridiculed by his people, nailed to the cross and heard his groans and cries on that cross. There was nothing God could do, but be with him while he suffered. I imagine he was holding his hand and head, comforting him with his promise. Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice so we all could be free.

Above is a photo of my son and his friend, Mike. I thank God for Mike. He called 911 and was trying to talk to Alex, holding his hand until someone else arrived so he could come get us. Thanks Mike!

Broken; Trust The Potter

Today, I am forty-eight. Yep, "I am special today, it's my birthday!" Why do we think that we have that written on our foreheads for everyone to see? Birthday's are special days...true? We all expect our days to be fantastic. I mean trumpets blowing, treated as a King or Queen, feel the earth move, and to have our day ended with extravagant fireworks displayed!


Actually, I have felt the earth move...since about 1 am we have had about 22 earthquakes. Don't worry, many have been less than a 2, with four being greater than a 3 with the highest being a 3.8. Believe me, living about 1-2 miles from several fault lines and living in a two story home...we feel it, but that is another blog.

I want to thank my dear friends Meghan and Angie for becoming a blogger. Meghan, I have known for years, and well, she wants everyone to blog. She is a fantastic friend and an inspirational person in more ways the one. She introduced me to Angie,  via blog. Angie is awesome and also extremely inspirational. I encourage you to check out her blog.  http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

One of Angie's blog post, encouraged you to break something and put it back together, listening to what the Lord would reveal to you.  Wow, what an amazing experience, healing. Have you ever felt so broken from a heartache, loneliness, failure, abandonment, disappointment, rejection, death of a loved one, regrets, bad decisions...and so on. So broken you just can't face another day...I have and it aches beyond repair. Is your heart in a million pieces?

Does it hurt just to breath?

Break something!

Now, put it back together.

I broke my plate on Thursday. At first, I sort of tossed it at the wall. It only broke in three pieces. Not good enough, so I threw it with all my might against the wall...shattered!

I gathered all my pieces and tried to put two together with my glue gun, which by the way, didn't work. The pieces wouldn't stick together. Trip to the store, purchased two different types of glue...lets try this again.

Much better, I was able to get the pieces together, but had to hold them FOREVER or the pieces would fall apart. Because the process of holding took so long, my plate wasn't completed till this morning.

During the days of working on this plate, I spent time listening to Country and Christian music, and talking to God. I told God how frustrated I was with how long this was taking because I had to hold the pieces for so long.

"Patience" He says.

I reminded Him that I am not the most patient person(as if He didn't already know). I am the child who always asked "are we there yet?" As I continued to glue pieces day after day, time began to fly by. Was I becoming patient?

Just like Angie, I too came face to face with all my mistakes,the disappointments,the sins of my life. I was so angry at myself for walking out on God, believing all that happened to me was His will. I had gotten to the point in my life where I just couldn't take anymore. I blamed God. I thought I was so faithful, and He didn't help me(at least not the way I expected). I quit, just shut down, gave up...I became so numb to life in order to just cope with life. Angela Thomas, in her book, Do You Think I'm Beautiful says: "You are teaching yourself not to feel anything, and in doing so, you're missing everything."

While working on my plate, I told God how sorry I was for leaving. I begged Him to help me get back to Him, to forgive me for blaming Him for all the broken pieces in my life. I don't want to miss everything!

As I looked at my finished plate I saw many broken pieces. There were holes in my plate where I couldn't find the pieces to fit.
Could I have put some pieces in the wrong place?

How am I going to fix it?

Where will I find the pieces?

How will I ever fill those holes in my plate, in my life!

My plate really isn't complete...my life full of holes, waiting to be filled.

Here is what God said to me:

Marylea, do you not see what I see? It is beautiful and so are you! Don't worry I have forgiven you, I have never left you. Don't try to fill the holes, let me do it....trust me! Bring it to me. I hear you, I always hear you...you must try to hear me. You are special today and everyday!

Do it...break something...trust the potter to help you rebuild.

Paul's prayer for the Ephesians were as follows:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Ephesians 4:16-19

My Pastor today said something that reminded me how great Jesus love and sacrifice is.

"He ransomed his life so that I may be saved." Thank you Jesus!

You see, through my brokenness, God can do His best work! I've walked away from God for over 10 years, and upon my return, He ran to me with open arms. I am trying to grasp His love for me. Trying to understand Grace. For me, it's always been about what I can do to earn God's love. As a result, I've never felt I lived up. I believed, He was so disappointed that He abandoned me. In actuality, I abandoned Him.

I look forward to this journey back in the arms of Christ. I am nervous, fearful of the devils retaliation, and hopeful all at the same time. Thanks for joining me in this journey.

I should warn you...I am not the best writer...my husband says I have a tendency to write my thoughts, forgetting all about punctuation...forgive me.